


The Tattoos He's Hiding

by toojuns



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Aged Up NCT Dream, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Found Family, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mutual Pining, Neighbors, Original Character(s), Slow Burn, Smut, the dreamies being a big family is my type of drug
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:54:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 168,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25294273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toojuns/pseuds/toojuns
Summary: “Jaeun said you have four tattoos now”There it was; the information that wouldn’t let him sleep last night.“Five, but one you can’t really see if I’m dressed” Jaemin answered truthfully.And Renjun knew he would have another sleepless night. Fuck.--Na Jaemin is back from his six-month break from college and trying his best to follow his new dreams with his newfound responsibilities. Renjun has found himself caught up on Jaemin's turbulent life and has to decide if he likes the man enough to venture into the craziness with him.Everyone is just trying to figure out the whole adult world and luckily they have each other.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin
Comments: 174
Kudos: 448





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone!  
> This is my first nct fic in english, any constructive criticism is highly appreciated.  
> Comments and kudos are also appreciated hahahah please I'm desperate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Welcome to this ride, it'll be fun I promise.  
>   
> Somewhere along this fic, I got caught up and created a lot of other medias for my story, so if anyone would like to see, here u go:  
> [spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4A8yyS6TLlglvsBWyirQd1?si=-uQs6aaZS127QgM5oJaMFw)  
> [pinterest board](https://br.pinterest.com/clariexyz/1-his-tattoos/)  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/toojuns)  
>   
>   
> Hmm I'm not sure what else, this all started because I felt the need to improve my wtiting skills and my english as well, any critics are welcomed. Have fun!

Na Jaemin had four tattoos.

That was what Renjun could gather from the conversation happening, he didn’t particularly care about the person, but he was curious to know how they were. He always liked tattoos and sometimes would want them for himself, but he dreaded needles and the realization that the ink would be forever on your skin made him put a halt to those thoughts. He was still curious about the tattoos on the other boy though.

Not that Jaemin’s sister was going to explain it to him, so he let it go.

“That’s so typical of him” Jaeun exclaimed at some point, Renjun wasn’t really paying that much attention. “To come back _now_ of all times”

It was a Thursday, they were in her kitchen while she made them some coffee, it was pretty late and the boy was on babysitting duty. Renjun had agreed to take care of Jaehwan, the adorable two-year-old that was now sleeping on his little toddler bed, so that Jaeun could go to a meeting with her divorce lawyer.

He was getting pretty good at taking care of the kid, most of his summer was spent with the mother and child, he could now find out just from the type of crying or screaming what the little guy needed. He felt like he had developed a sixth sense, some kind of superhero tingling that only worked on babies. It would be useless on any other occasion, but he was proud nonetheless.

When the mother came home, Renjun thought she would either be:

  1. Happy; he thought she had a pretty decent case for herself and would get what she wanted for Jaehwan. Since being a decent father was out of the picture for Jaeun’s future ex-husband, at least she could secure a good fund to pay for his college. The dad was a piece of shit, but he had money.
  2. Exhausted; Jaehwan’s father was a negotiator at heart and the Chinese boy already knew that, it wouldn’t be easy to get out of his shackles and Jaeun was a pretty tough cookie herself, so he knew this divorce would drag for months.



The boy did not expect her to come back so angry and tell him she didn’t even make it to the meeting.

The reason being her younger brother that decided to come back from the dead the same way he decided to disappear, unapologetic and beautiful as ever.

It all happened relatively fast, as Jaeun tried to tell him, and it made almost no sense. When she was about to close her café for the day, a boy with cat-like smile and now _four tattoos_ -Renjun was still thinking about it - showed up to her and demanded to know what happened in the months he was gone.

Na Jaemin was sort of a myth among the freshmen in college, no one knew if what their seniors were saying about the boy on the swimming team was true or not. There was a time in which everything Jaemin did would be taken out of context, for better or worse; the man had some of the best academic results out of all the people in the business major, was the star of the swimming team and had landed a internship with a pretty big company. Jaemin was an asset to the school and everyone knew it.

Being in the fine arts major like Renjun was, he used to watch Jaemin for most of their two years together, he would kill to know how to draw people like the boy looked. He wasn’t only pretty, but he also had an aura to him, and to be able to draw stuff like that was Renjun’s dream.

He did not think this obsession with Jaemin’s face was a crush, but Chenle and Hyuck begged to differ. He just appreciated aesthetically pleasing humans, Jaemin being one of them.

That was until six months ago, when Jaemin lost one of the school swimming matches - it wasn’t even a big deal since it was not one of the qualifiers -, but later that week he quit the team, flunked his tests, packed his bags and no one knew about him until now, until he bursted the doors to Jaeun’s café acting like nothing happened, just to catch up.

The way Renjun could picture that made him grin, he never knew much about Jaemin other than him being friends with Mark – who was his best friend’s boyfriend. But the boy always had this calm and happy vibe to him, as if everything in life was an occasion to be happy about.

Maybe that’s why people liked to be near him, he made everyone forget about the negative side of life.

It would have been a good reunion if Jaeun wasn’t already full or hormones because of her second pregnancy, she was about 6 months in, and everything made her either sad or furious, sometimes both. Jaemin was unlucky and she chose the latter emotion to deal with him.

In his defense, the boy wasn’t ready to come back, he decided to take a year off to take care of himself, to find out what life had to offer and what would truly make him happy, but he put a halt to everything when he found out his sister was not only pregnant but also divorcing her husband.

He discovered the fact after he received a lengthy email from one of their aunts, he didn’t even knew she had his address - he didn’t even use to _check_ his emails, one faithful morning he just wondered if there was anything there for him -, and the aggressive tones the message had while calling him out for not being there for his only sister made him worry, thus he decided her well being was greater than his. Now, he was back in Seoul and trying to be as casual as possible about it.

Jaeun did not take that well, she wanted to take care of things without having to call for her younger brother, if anything this whole experience made her realize she developed a disliking for men, her brother included.

Renjun was the only exception since he was not a man, he was an angel.

She exploded with anger when he asked about her significant other, even more so when she looked at his arms and saw they were permanently inked. That fact wouldn’t have pissed her off that much if they were in any other circumstances, but now they served as a reminder that she did not know the boy presented to her, he was no more than a stranger.

Renjun was strangely curious about that particular detail. _Four tattoos in six months_? Why? Did he like the pain? Was it something you got addicted to? They had to be big, right? Jaeun wasn’t that perceptive but even she noticed right away.

“And he had the _audacity_ to pretend like it was just another afternoon, we haven’t talked in six months!”

Jaeun was fuming and Renjun thought the best was to let it all out, they weren’t exactly talking about it, this was her monologue and he was a spectator.

He sipped on his coffee trying his best not to make a frown, it was too bitter for his liking. Sometimes the fact that she ran a café amazed the boy, her tastes were so extreme that it didn’t make sense to him how other people could consume that. Luckily, she had employees who would also prepare drinks and bake stuff.

Jaemin evaded her questions when she asked what he had been doing for the last few months and the tattoos only made her suspect that he was up to nothing good. They were never the closest of siblings, but ever since their mother passed away when Jaemin was in high school and Jaeun was in college they had this us-against-the-world mentality, they were the only ones of their little family left, since their dad bailed on them while they were still kids, and the fact that Jaemin decided to disappear without telling anyone made Jaeun cry for weeks.

Wrong move on Jaemin’s part and it took him a while to realize that.

Ever since then, Jaeun focused on her new established family, Jaehwan was starting to grow out his little personality and that made her heart fill with joy, her husband was always at work, but he made up by being there on Sundays to catch some quality time with his wife and kid, for now that was enough.

When Jaeun found out she was pregnant again her husband got even busier with work, she thought it was because their family was growing and he wanted to secure some extra money to take care of everything, but now she knew that wasn’t exactly the case.

When Renjun came around he was nothing but a fellow worker in the building her café was located, but his love for cute pastries and her love for art made their bond seem natural.

Now they were close enough friends that he would even hear she badmouth her own brother; the world was a crazy place.

“Do you know where he is staying?”

Renjun wondered, he knew Jaemin used to stay at the college dorms, but right now they were on a break and he wasn’t frequenting school, so that wasn’t a viable option. Maybe he met up with Jeno, the boy’s oldest friend, and was crashing wherever he was.

Jaeun’s eyes grew even bigger than when she was ranting, which Renjun saw as an impressive feat.

“Shit, I forgot to ask him.” She said, “Do you think he has any place to stay? Should I call him?” She thought about it, but right away remembered she didn’t have his number, he canceled the one she had six months ago.

That was his cue, he looked at the clock and realized it was even later than he thought.

“It’s almost midnight, if he didn’t had a place I’m sure by now he has” Renjun downed the coffee and this time he made a face for just a second, it was too much to handle, and grabbed his backpack “I have to go now if I want to get home while the buses are still running, but I can come back tomorrow if you’d like. I’ll take care of Jaehwan and you can go talk to your lawyer”

She thanked the boy; he had been the source of her sanity this last few months and Jaeun thought she wouldn’t be half the person she was today if it weren’t for his words of affirmation. Renjun knew that was not the case.

“Don’t worry too much, it’s not good for the baby”

With that said he gave her a quick peck on the cheek, walked to the door of the house, got his shoes, and was out while she waved him goodbye.

The air was cold, the nights were starting to get colder and Renjun only had a light coat, he wasn’t planning on being out this late. As there was nothing he could do about it he braced himself as he walked to the bus stop, praying that he wouldn’t get sick since he had back to back drawing classes to give this entire week.

The boy got home fast, luckily his bus came in less than five minutes and he could properly warm himself now that he was at his house.

The place Renjun called home was a small studio apartment, at a fifteen-minute walk from where he gave art classes and a thirty-minute walk from his university. He tried the college dorms when he first got to Seoul, but sharing a room with someone without knowing them made him nervous, his conspiracies and anxiety kicking in, so he decided to find a cheap place where he could have some peace and quiet.

On those few weeks he did live in the dorms he met Donghyuck, the boy that he now was proud to call best friend. They weren’t roommates, he didn’t know if they could have formed a friendship if they were ever roommates, but he used to stay right across the hall and he stole some of the chips Renjun brought from China the very first week of college.

Even if his place was tiny, it still had everything he needed and wanted; he was a small boy himself and found that he was the happiest within pocket sized and singular spaces. The dorms were also small, but he had to _share_ and that made it cramped.

Renjun left his backpack somewhere in the hall, not caring enough to make it tidy, took off his shoes and got a pack of ramen to cook, he was in the mood for something spicy and fast, the whole talk with Jaeun made his head confused and the best way to solve it was to fry his tongue with spiciness until he wasn’t able to think.

He wasn’t much of a gossiper himself – Donghyuck was usually the master at that -, but ever since Jaemin had left his circle of friends had also changed because of the boy. For a while, there were three people with him always: Chenle, Jisung and Donghyuck. With Jaemin out of the picture and Mark dating Hyuck, him and Jeno were added to the team.

Having two of the boy’s closest friends around made him learn more about Jaemin and also wonder what the fuck happened to him. Plus, how was he now? Was he still as breathtaking as he before? Oh my god, _was he even better_?

He put on his favorite show, the one he already watched countless times, and tried his best not to think about tattoos on guys he had not seen in months.


	2. Chapter 2

Jaemin was lost.

He was familiar with the feeling by now, he decided to embrace it six months ago when he left, but he was not expecting to feel this lost as soon as he came back to the city.

Jaeun being so angry was like a slap on his cheek, he knew people would be mad at him, but didn’t realize his own sister would be too; she was the one who kept telling him to pursue his dreams, to find his true calling, so of course he thought she would be the one to be happy for him. If that were how she reacted, he could not even fathom how Jeno would behave, his best friend and probably by now, as Jaemin thought, captain of the swim team.

Jaemin knew he would have to talk to Jeno one day, but figured if he got another rejection today, he would crumble.

He wasn’t one to talk about feelings, he would usually just joke around and leave things unsaid, hoping people would catch onto it. He was good in being there for others though, he always had been, until he wasn’t anymore.

The feeling of being lost was a friend and he figured it was here to stay.

The boy got in his car and decided to book a hotel room for the week, he thought that was enough time to talk it out with his sister and possibly find a place to stay more permanently. Once he got to his room, he ignored his hunger and tried to sleep, wishing it was all just a dream and that he would wake up in Pohang with the fishermen and kids yelling in his ear.

Oh, how naïve he was.

The next day Renjun found himself again at Jaeun’s place, now with Jaehwan awake and trying to make the biggest mess he could with the washable paints Renjun bought him. He knew he made a mistake the second Jaehwan tried to empty one of the little tubes on his little head, but now it was too late. The boy just prayed this stuff really didn’t stain as it said on the packaging and that he would have enough time to clean it up before the child’s mother came home.

Even so, the laughter Jaehwan was providing made it all worth it, he was curious about how when one paint touched the other it became a whole new color, whenever he discovered one, he would scream in excitement.

“I remember the time I liked this stuff too” Renjun told the toddler. “Jaehwannie, if you want to keep liking art don’t ever major in it, ok?”

It was mostly a joke, but it also had a hint of truth. The adult got up and went to the bathroom to wash his hands that were now dirty with paint, once he finished, he went to the kitchen to make some afternoon snacks for Jaehwan.

It was in the middle of the afternoon, the toddler had already had lunch and his nap for the day, they were getting closer to that time of day where Jaehwan would get cranky because of hunger. He already learned the boy’s patterns, but what he would like to eat was still a mystery to him, Jaehwan was becoming a picky eater and both Renjun and Jaeun were trying their best to make him eat something, _anything_.

He would search recipes in baby blogs, buy the ingredients, make it just as it was instructed, only for his efforts to be met with disappointment. Sometimes, Jaehwan would eat the cooking Renjun made and he would put a little star next to the recipe, signalizing it was a promising one. The time he would cook it again, Jaehwan would hate it. It was like he was playing tag with the most indecisive and cranky little judge in the world.

He opened the cabinets and chose a recipe he still hadn’t tried on his cellphone.

That was when he heard someone at the door.

Renjun thought that could happen, he also prayed that it didn’t.

Jaemin was standing outside, anxious, his face transforming into a confused frown when he saw a man he didn’t know open the door to his sister’s place. Perhaps he was the cause of the divorce? That was the first thought on the younger’s mind, thus seeing as Jaeun got angry last night he didn’t want to make her even more upset, so he threaded carefully.

The boy who answered was smaller than him and also skinnier, he had paint on his face and round glasses that were almost too big for him, his hair was messy from trying to handle Jaehwan alone while the toddler had too much paint everywhere, he was wearing comfortable jeans and a white shirt, topped with a flannel that seemed also too big for his frame. Renjun looked young, younger than Jaemin, even if that was not the case, the Chinese man was just tiny.

He was familiar, but Jaemin did not know where he could have seen that man before.

“Hi”

Renjun was the first to break the silence.

“Hi” Jaemin proceeded with caution, maybe his sister moved. “I’m sorry, is this Shin Jaeun’s place?”

Renjun noticed how he said the ex-husband’s surname and he did not like that, his hands curling up in fists, but gave him a pass since this was all new to the brother.

“Na. And yes, you’re the brother that came back, right?” Renjun feigned ignorance, he knew who he was, they went to the same school and Jaemin was the type to be recognized in a sea of people. “Come on in”

He gave him space to pass and Jaemin entered the house. Everything looked almost identical to six months ago, but there were no family photos anymore, there were Jaehwan’s, but Jaemin and Jaeun’s husband were nowhere to be found.

She was mad.

He stopped at the living room, where Jaehwan was trying his best to color the floor with a hideous brownish green, when the toddler saw his uncle he didn’t recognize him so he was ready to cry, but once Renjun came in his line of vision he was back to being giddy. Jaemin caught that.

“Holy shit” Jaemin whispered, astonished with the remodeling Jaehwan was trying to do on the house.

“Yeah, I made a mistake” Renjun confided. “I underestimated the mess he was able to make”

There was paint on his clothes too, the plastic bag Renjun had laid down to help clean the mess later long forgotten. Jaehwan, as any other two-year-old, liked the chaos.

“Does my sister know about this?” There was a hint of something in his voice, maybe judgement. Another lost point for the boy, he really did not have an ounce of shame if he was going to judge Renjun after leaving his family like that.

“No, and she won’t.” The tiny boy was resolute while looking at the other, face deadpan and challenging eyes, Jaemin thought it was best to just let it go. “I’ll clean it up, don’t worry. Jaehwan, not on the couch”

The second part was for the toddler, that was starting to get up. He looked at the man and they started a staring contest that ended with Renjun winning as soon as Jaehwan got bored.

“Hi buddy” Jaemin said on his best baby voice, lowering himself so he could make levelheaded eye contact with Jaehwan. “I missed you”

Whatever made Jaehwan want to cry when Jaemin got here was not there anymore, but he also wasn’t too keen about the guy, he looked at his uncle and went back to painting the floor. Renjun tried his best not to snicker when Jaemin got up all clumsy and coughing to disguise his discomfort.

“He’s in his terrible twos, it’s not just you” Renjun tried to help him by lying, he was once the person Jaehwan didn’t care about and he felt bad for Jaemin. The toddler was an angel and hardly ever threw any temper tantrums, but his uncle didn’t have to know this now. Other than the eating problem, he hardly was a headache.

“Yeah”

“He’ll get attached to you in no time” Renjun’s voice was now softer, losing the coldness from the talk before. He did not like seeing people uncomfortable, it made him anxious.

When Renjun went to the kitchen to restart his hunt for snacks to give Jaehwan, Jaemin followed.

He looked in the cabinets and found some rice puffers, he decided that would be enough for a few hours until it was time for dinner, tossing aside the idea of cooking the recipe he had found. He got some puffers and put it on a bowl, ignoring the man behind him for a while, but as soon as the silence became weird, he let his curiosity get the best of him.

“Jaeun said you have four tattoos now”

There it was; the information that wouldn’t let him sleep last night.

“Five, but one you can’t really see if I’m dressed” Jaemin answered truthfully.

And Renjun knew he would have another sleepless night. _Fuck_.

Jaemin showed his arms, he had two on his forearms, they were little constellations, Renjun knew nothing about stars so he did not know what they meant; one was close to his shoulder, he pulled his collar to the side so that the other boy could look at it, this one was a black and white moon with some splashes that reminded the artistic boy of his watercolor paintings; and the last one of the visible four was on his ankle, it was two faces morphing into one, a skull and flowers tangling it, the illustration being really dramatic.

Renjun scrunched his nose, the tattoos seemed… _harmless_? Maybe a bit unoriginal, but nevertheless harmless. With how Jaeun was acting, he thought maybe they would refer to a bike gang or criminal activity. Late at night he swore one of the tattoos was of a super offensive word and that was why she freaked out.

The Chinese boy was now disappointed.

“I like the moon” He said, trying to sound enthusiastic. He didn’t know if he wanted to see the other one now, with how the four were so bland he was sure the fifth would be some expected Pinterest knock off.

“Thank you” Jaemin replied, catching on that the boy didn’t really like them. He didn’t care, they were his. “Who are you?”

_Oh._

_Right._

Renjun cleaned his hands off rice puff powder and extended to the other.

“I’m sorry” he said when Jaemin took his hand, firmly, he looked flustered now. He understood how the situation looked weird in Jaemin’s eyes; he was an unfamiliar man in his sister house taking care of her child, meanwhile she was divorcing her husband. “I’m Renjun, I work in the same building as your sister, right now I’m just a babysitter though”

“Jaemin” the other replied, now smiling, still a bit weary. “By the looks of it, my sister has already filled you in about me”

They stood like that for a second, hand in hand, eyeing each other as if they didn’t really trust the other. Jaemin forgot to tell Renjun he had paint on his face, but he also thought he looked cute with it, his messy light brown hair was shiny in the fluorescent kitchen light and his flannel shirt that he had rolled to his elbows was making a return to cover his whole arm.

He looked young and soft, but his eyes were sharp. Jaemin noticed how conscious he was of every single move him and Jaehwan were making and how authoritative his voice could become when he was sure of something or when he was telling Jaehwan not to do something.

His whole presence was dainty, pretty in a delicate way, until he opened his mouth. Renjun let go of his hand first, putting a stop to their childish piss contest.

“Not really, she just said tattoos and ranted about stuff I couldn’t understand” That was the truth, as much as Renjun liked the older woman, sometimes when she got mad she had a tendency to ramble her words and not make sense.

Jaemin nodded, not knowing what to say next. Renjun took that as his cue and bolted to the living room, realizing that maybe he had left Jaehwan alone for a little too long and the boy still had a considerate amount of paint that could destroy everything in that house.

Luckily, Jaehwan really was an angel.

Renjun put the bowl on the table and picked up the boy, not caring if he were to get paint on his clothes. They were washable and when did Renjun _not_ have paint on his clothes anyway?

He took him to the bathroom and made sure to wipe all the paint his hands and face had, once the little one was getting antsy of the thorough inspection Renjun was making, he started to babble. He understood _Jun_ , how Jaehwan was used to calling him, and smiled at the boy, answering him with _“hms”_ and _“is that so?”_.

“Ok, let’s go”

In the living room Jaemin was already cleaning up the mess Jaehwan did, the sight made Renjun so grateful that he made a note in the back of his mind to praise Jaemin to Jaeun once she got back.

“You don’t have to do this, I was going to clean that up” Renjun said, mostly to be polite, he was grateful that the mess was almost gone. He got some baby wipes and finished cleaning with Jaemin. They paint really did not stain anything; he was happy he could live another day.

Another moment passed with quietness. Renjun sat on the couch, Jaemin decided to sit on the floor, next to where Jaehwan was.

The toddler was busy munching on the rice puffs now, Jaemin was busy looking at his little fingers and Renjun was fiddling with his sleeves not knowing what to do.

“He’s so big” Jaemin said. “I can’t believe how much he has grown”

There were some mixed feelings in his voice, Renjun noticed but did not make the effort to figure out which ones were, he knew Jaemin’s sister was an intense person, it might run in those genes.

And speaking of genes, Jaemin was a _god_.

Renjun had already seen the boy before, everyone did. Up close he was even more remarkable, long eyelashes, a smile that wouldn’t leave his face, cheekbones that Renjun would kill to know how to draw. He was wearing a black turtleneck shirt, skinny jeans and took off his jacket, rolling up the sleeves to his shirt. His hair was faded pastel pink, Renjun never saw him with colored hair before but was surprised with how good he pulled that off.

The number one reason why Jaemin was the talk of the town was because of his good looks. People could say it was because he was a nice person, a great student, a terrific athlete, but his good looks were the first thing on the back of their minds.

_Society survives on lookism, water is wet._ Renjun thought to himself.

“Yeah, hm” Renjun felt how awkward the whole situation was. “He’s talking a lot too”

Jaemin snapped his head to look at the other adult in the room, with shining eyes that said he would like to hear more about it. So Renjun continued.

“From what I heard, kids his age were supposed to know how to say about twenty words? Maybe up to fifty. This little guy tries so hard to talk I’m pretty sure he knows a least a hundred, sometimes all that comes out is nonsense though.”

Renjun was whipped, so maybe what he was saying wasn’t right at all. All the child-rearing knowledge he had came from sites on the internet that he would cram on breaks from his art classes.

They spent some time with Renjun talking about his experiences while babysitting Jaehwan, Jaemin just listened and smiled. Jaehwan was now getting more accustomed to his uncle presence and let him play with his cars, the two making engine sounds with their mouths. When Renjun stopped talking Jaemin would look up as if to encourage him to continue.

Jaeun got to her house before dinner, which made Renjun happy for two reasons: first one, he wouldn’t have to make anything for Jaehwan, he was still bad at finding out what he would like to eat and would be even more nervous to have Jaemin there analyzing him; and the second, he had nothing else to talk to the other man so he wanted to desperately go home.

Nevertheless, the boy ran to the door to greet Jaeun and try to warn her as low as he could that she had a visitor.

Once she was inside her house and saw who was waiting for her, Jaeun froze. She knew they had to talk and she wanted to make it civil, but she was also exhausted from her meeting with the attorneys and didn’t know if she could be the mature person she needed to be right now.

Renjun’s hand on her shoulder was a warm reminder that she still had someone there for her, she gave Jaemin a smile and asked if he was hungry, she had already ordered pizza.

“I ordered for you too” Jaeun said for the third time.

“Well, you should have called, plus now there’s your brother to eat too, I’m sure it won’t go to waste” Renjun intercepted. “I have to go; I need to prep some stuff for my classes tomorrow”

“You’re such a goody two shoes” Jaeun teased, it was such a weak tease Renjun decided to let it slide. She wasn’t performing her best right now, since she was tired and emotionally drained, future Jaeun would have scolded her for the comment.

“Once I get a break from classes tomorrow I’ll stop by the café and you can tell me all about today” The boy promised, he got his backpack, hugged Jaehwan and waved the brother and sister a goodbye before walking out the door.

Now they were alone, and the silence became unbearable.

Jaehwan was now fed and in bed, Jaeun and Jaemin were on the table eating their pizza and trying to talk.

“Are you _healthy_?” Jaeun tried asking several basic questions, if her brother didn’t want to give her details, she would respect him for now.

After Renjun left yesterday she kept thinking about how she still had family and how she knew the boy would give anything to have something like that while living in this foreign country. The longer she thought the more she became embarrassed to look Renjun in the eyes today, after everything he had already done for her.

She tried asking if there was something he couldn’t tell her, the answer was no; if he was in trouble, also no; if someone wronged him, all negatives. She was getting tired.

“Yes, I am healthy” He smiled. “How are you? Do you know the sex of baby number two?”

“We’re great” She patted her bump, “it’s a girl.”

It was the opposite of them, Jaemin thought. An older brother and a younger sister, they would fight a lot but at the end of the day they would have each other.

“Do you need me to punch him?” Jaemin tried making the conversation light, she already knew who he was talking about, and from their brief talk last night he figured she was still hurting and being reminded of her broken marriage was a bad idea.

She snickered and Jaemin counted that as a win.

“Thank you, but Renjun already tried. Twice.” She laughed, probably reliving in her head the day the older man came to her café trying to yell at her, Renjun hearing the commotion got up from his class and lost his cool when he saw him. For the one punch he managed to throw he got two back, on the bright side his punch landed on the face and the ones he got were on the stomach. “It wasn’t pretty”

Jaemin didn’t understand the dynamics yet with her sister and the other guy, he looked too young to be a love interest, maybe she was exploring? It still seemed wrong if that were the case, but why else would someone go out of their way to fight an ex-husband?

“What’s the deal with that one?”

His older sister caught up on the judgmental tone he had and frowned.

“He’s a tricky one, but it’s not like whatever you’re imagining; get your mind out of the gutter.” Her tone was serious, she thought about it for a second on how to explain their bond. “We met because he likes those frilly pastries we make at the café and I became a fan of his artwork. He goes to your school you know; he is majoring in fine arts” She pondered and shot Jaemin a warning look. “You guys are the same age so be nice to him.”

The pizza was already cold, they weren’t really eating anymore, just nibbling on something while they thought of topics to talk about.

“He has helped a lot with this whole situation” She continued. “He didn’t have to, but he’s been a great source of strength right now.”

Jaemin felt the shame creeping in. He was the brother, he was supposed to be here for her, but he had to find out months later from an email from a distant aunt what was happening. This was on him and he knew it.

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly, “for not being here, I’m a jerk.”

Her eyes started to get glossy and when she blinked tears streamed down her face. Jaemin’s eyes almost popped out and he got up to do something, but Jaeun brushed it off laughing.

“Stop it, it’s the hormones.” She explained. “I get emotional easily.”

Jaemin sat back on his chair, sighing. He decided to test the waters.

“I went out looking for _something_ ” He said, and it surprised him how truthful that statement was, maybe the destination wasn’t exactly a person or a place. “I’m still not sure what it was but I think I might have found something else”

Jaeun smiled, it was cryptic, but it was an honest answer, she knew when her brother was lying.

“And are you happy with it?”

“I think so.”

“Then does that mean you’re staying for a while?”

This time the boy smiled back.

“For as long as you need me, yeah.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wooooah another one done, I'm trying to set a schedule to update this fic from 2 to 3 times a week (my uni is on a break, so I have nothing to do lmao), so yeah, the updates will come soon, I'm just figuring out which days of the week I would like to post them.  
> I'm still in a bit of a conflict to where I'm gonna put the fifth tattoo, ngl  
> Have a great day, everyone!!


	3. Chapter 3

“So…” Donghyuck was trying to squeeze as much information as he could through the phone “Is he still hot?”

Renjun rolled his eyes, he knew right away he shouldn’t have said anything. Donghyuck was away for the summer, he went to Canada to meet his boyfriend’s parents for the first time. From the looks of it, it was going well, but Donghyuck would complain from time to time that they had almost no privacy and it was getting tiring to have to jerk off in the shower while staying at the same house as Mark.

Their sexual life was fine, Donghyuck was just insatiable – sometimes insufferable - and dramatic. Renjun loved his best friend but did not listen to him when it came to this stuff, Hyuck always had the ability to make a situation seem much more than it actually was. That was a talent that came in handy to get out of uncomfortable situations at parties and run ins with professors, but was also the downfall to Mark’s sanity.

It had been over a week since Renjun first saw Jaemin and had the whole awkward encounter but only now he had the chance to really talk to someone about it. Jaemin would sometimes go to the café and they would greet each other in passing, chat about mundane stuff here and there, nothing more than that.

Luckily, the pink haired man wasn’t wary of Renjun anymore, when he smiled at him his eyes actually had something on them, maybe gratitude. Renjun never had anything against Jaemin in the first place, but if he thought someone didn’t like him, he wasn’t going to try to like that person either.

If the younger wanted to pick a fight, he probably wouldn’t cave to it because Jaemin was still Jaeun’s brother, but he would give him mean looks and snarky comments.

Things were starting to settle down with him back, he was around for most of the time, helping Jaeun carry stuff, picking up Jaehwan from daycare, texting Renjun to relieve him from being on babysitting duty for the day. It was almost like they had formed their new little team, Jaemin being an ally he didn’t know he needed.

It was just with the boy’s arrival that he could feel how exhausted he was, both physically and emotionally. He felt like he had been running for months and just now someone told him he was allowed to catch his breath.

“He has pink hair now, pastel pink” Renjun fed Donghyuck information “And four tattoos” It was laundry day at the Huang household, which meant he was trying his best to shove as many clothes as possible in one single washing load.

He was still caught up on that topic, maybe he wasn’t _that_ disappointed after all.

The boy also realized a little later that he said four instead of five, but knowing Hyuck if he corrected himself the other boy would think there was something else going on and he really didn’t have the energy to argue right now.

“Holy shit mother of Na” He heard the boy whistle “So the answer is yes”

Renjun did not answer that, but Donghyuck knew he was agreeing. Sometimes Jaemin would wear short sleeves button down shirts and would leave a few buttons open so you could see the moon creeping up near his collarbone, and that would make Renjun lose focus. He was getting used to seeing the ones on his forearms, but the others seemed too private.

“Can you take a picture of him?” The plea came, he was making a cutesy voice that made Renjun’s stomach burn and not in a good way, he shoved some of his favorite shirts into the washing machine with a bit too much anger. “I’ll buy you something from here, an expensive set of paints, whatever you’d like”

The offer was tempting - he would like to try some new paints -, but he knew that if he really wanted something from Canada it was best to ask Mark, the boy was always happy to help. Donghyuck on the other hand would say he was helping but also find a way to sabotage everything and come out looking good while doing it.

“He’s coming back to school” He knew that cause Jaeun told him, she was still cautious about most of the stuff her brother would say, but you could see she believed him on that “You’ll see it for yourself”

There was a pause, Donghyuck didn’t respond and Renjun thought maybe they disconnected, he used that time to turn on his washing machine. Listening closely, he could hear shuffling on the other side and a new voice was there.

“Hi Renjun!” It was Mark. “How are things going over there?”

The boy sounded bright, his accent a bit more pronounced now that he was spending his time mostly talking in English with his parents.

“Mark” Renjun missed the couple, even thinking about their bickering made him smile “Please tell your boyfriend to stop trying to make me take candid photos of strangers.”

He heard Donghyuck gasp.

Dramatic.

“He’s not a stranger?” The boy intervened. “You said it so yourself, he’s Jaeun’s brother and I’m pretty sure you would be married to her by now if you weren’t gay, he’s basically your brother-in-law”

“Ew” The imagery was gross to Renjun, they were just discussing how hot Jaemin was and now Donghyuck was telling he was family. That’s the type of fucked up his best friend was.

Mark asked who they were talking about and Donghyuck gave him a quick background with what Renjun had filled him in.

Mark was on the swimming team with Jaemin and Jeno, they were usually a trio until Jaemin bailed on them. Mark being older than the other two became captain first, now with his graduation close- _ish_ , he decided to step back and let Jeno run with it, focusing on applying for internships.

If anyone were to be excited of his return, it would be Mark and Jeno. The boy didn’t let it show, but he was glad his friend wasn’t dead in a ditch.

He was also a little annoyed that if he _wasn’t_ dead in a ditch, he had the audacity to not call as soon as he got back.

“How are his tattoos?” Even Mark was curious, but Renjun could sense he wasn’t really intrigued in the art of them, it was more to keep the conversation on his friend.

“Kinda…” He pondered. “ _Basic_? I don’t know, maybe it was because Jaeun made such a fuss about them, I thought he would have a pentagram or something. It’s just stars, flowers and a moon.”

“I like boys who don’t fear breaking their fragile masculinity by tattooing stuff like that though” Donghyuck said. “Everyone else says it’s too girly” He could hear some mumbling and Hyuck asking _what?_ To whatever Mark said.

He wasn’t wrong, Jaemin’s tattoos were all delicate, very different from what they would see at school from the guys that had tattoos, his were almost too gentle.

That spiked Renjun’s interest on the fifth tattoo and his ears were getting red thinking about it. _Five, but one you can’t really see if I’m dressed_. Why would he say something like that?

“Where is he staying though?” Mark wondered. “Didn’t he use the dorms back in college?”

That brought Renjun back to the present right away, since today was the day Jaemin would be moving in next to him.

When Jaeun and Jaemin were comfortable with each other again – as comfortable as they could get, they had a screaming two-year-old and a big belly to take care of -, he started to crash on her couch, but soon enough they realized he needed his own space and with everything going on in her life, having her brother there was not exactly the best for her. With Jaemin still evading her questions about his disappearance and Jaeun not wanting to talk about her divorce, they knew it was a matter of time until someone snapped.

The answer came in the form of a skinny Chinese boy. Renjun told the sister some of the flats where he lived were vacant and not only that, but their rent would usually be on a month to month basis, so Jaemin could stay there until he found something more permanent.

Jaeun didn’t know if Jaemin had the money and she was willing to lend him some, but as soon as he heard about it, he jumped on the proposal and started with the paperwork. That made Jaeun even more suspicious, every time she was close to letting it go and focusing on the other messes in her life Jaemin would pop out with a new information and it made her crazy curious.

Renjun told the couple what he knew about the moving in next door, and Mark made him promise that if he found out his number, he would give it to him. Since they were friends before, Renjun didn’t think that was too bad of a thing to do.

They chatted some more, mostly about Renjun’s classes and Hyuck’s inability to impress Mark’s mom – to which Mark said it was not true, the woman liked Hyuck just fine.

It was in the middle of the afternoon when he heard the doorbell to his place ring, he opened to see Jaeun with an overall hiding her now big belly and Jaehwan next to her.

“Hi darling, we really could use another pair of hands to bring the stuff up”

That was the only greeting he got and Jaeun was already leaving his door, Renjun quickly got his shoes to help the siblings carry Jaemin’s stuff up to his new home.

He met Jaemin at the stairs - their place did not have an elevator -, they greeted each other, Jaemin wearing his signature smile, only now it really reached his eyes, he was genuinely excited to be there and it showed. Having a place where he could unwind sounded like heaven right now.

He was wearing a snapback that covered most of his bubblegum hair, sweatpants, and a black t-shirt. He wasn’t supposed to look good, but somehow, he pulled it off.

Renjun was envious. He was wearing something similar, but on him the clothes would be big and comfy, on Jaemin they looked like it was tailor made.

Mostly it was just Renjun and Jaemin carrying the stuff up, Jaeun would try and help and the boys would scold her for it. Jaehwan was inside the apartment trying to open the boxes by himself, the only time he would see taped boxes were near his birthday or Christmas, so of course he thought they were presents.

They took turns carrying the stuff up, the apartment Jaemin would stay was on the second floor, Renjun’s was right above it, on the third. Since the layout of both rooms were the same, they talked about how to make the better use of the tiny space, discussing where he could put his stuff and not make it seem like everything was a clutter of mess.

Jaemin had left his furniture, which wasn’t much, in the family’s storage unite before leaving, he spent the last two days trying to organize what he wanted to take out of it. The place just needed the essentials, as he still wasn’t sure he was going to stay more than a month here, so he decided to not waste any of his energy trying to make it a home for now.

That meant that there were just a few trips to the apartment until all his stuff was inside, the last thing to carry was a mattress and that was a team effort. Renjun thought he got the short end of the stick, he felt as if he was carrying more than Jaemin, considering the other had been on the swimming team for two years and training his upper body strength.

The only upper body strength Renjun had comes from sometimes fighting Donghyuck for the controller or to make him shut up.

Once they finished Renjun was a mess, his panting becoming obvious, thus he excused himself for a while, his lack of exercise being way too obvious. He went to his apartment so he could freshen up a bit, grabbing a big bottle of water and some glasses. He figured Jaemin wouldn’t have thought of drinks for his guests, he didn’t seem much of a planner and more of a doer.

Jaeun was sitting on one of the two armchairs Jaemin had brought up and Jaehwan was on her lap watching cartoons on her cellphone. Whenever they wanted to keep him quiet, Youtube was their best ally. When she saw what Renjun brought back her face was all smiles.

“Oh shit, thank you” Jaemin’s face was all smiles too, he kept at it even when Jaeun reprimanded his use of the word shit “You’re really an angel”

Renjun laughed, mostly to hide his discomfort with that word and how now the siblings seemed to both agree that Renjun was something the heavens sent them. He murmured a no problem and filled everyone a glass of water.

“So” Renjun was the first to talk after their thirst had been quenched. “Do you need help to unpack?”

The sun was setting by now and Renjun felt the back of his shirt glued to his skin, he really wanted to go home and take a proper shower, but also did not want to be rude if they still needed him here.

“Ah, no” Jaemin got his cue, he was quick to notice stuff. “Thank you for the help, I’ll take it from here. You should go too, noona.”

Renjun said goodbye to the family and went back home. His muscles were sore, he really wasn’t used to heavy lifting and knew tomorrow they would be hurting like crazy. For now, he made a note on the back of his mind to make sure to get some free pastries from Jaeun for helping her brother and took off his clothes so he could take a much-needed shower.

He got out of the shower when he realized his fingers were becoming pruney, the hot water was nice on his skin and it made his muscles relax. He grabbed his towel, drying himself up and got some track pants and a white t-shirt, he let his hair dry out normally.

The boy tried to watch some TV but ended up falling asleep on his couch, he was even more exhausted than he thought. He woke up a few hours later with his stomach rumbling, still sleepy he got up and headed towards his little kitchen.

Renjun looked at his pantry and refrigerator trying to decide what he was going to have for dinner, there was still some leftover rice and some side dishes, he didn’t need anything else.

Just as he was getting the ingredients ready to make himself a kimchi stew, his doorbell rang for the second time that day.

He opened up to find his downstairs new neighbor, he was wearing a new pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt, clearly had just gotten out of a shower since his hair was still wet, on his hand there was a pizza box.

“I wanted to talk to you, if you didn’t mind”

 _Oh_.

Renjun’s place was bright, he decorated mostly with white and beige colors, the green came from the plants he had near his little balcony. When it was sunny out, he would put them on the balcony, when it was chilly like tonight his plants were kept inside.

His bed wasn’t in vision, there was a bookcase that served as a room divider, on the side he could see there was a couch and a TV, a small dining table and a kitchen. It seemed wider than Jaemin’s place, but maybe it was because of all the bright colors.

Next to the tiny part he could see about the bed there was an easel, Renjun was working on something but Jaemin couldn’t figure out what it was from the shapes. He liked the colors, though.

Jaemin took notes of what he did with the place, it was truly remarkable.

Renjun put the pizza box on the table and grabbed two plates, gesturing for Jaemin to sit down. The younger did just that. He got some soda from the fridge and filled two cups.

He forgot to ask if Jaemin liked soda, maybe he was like Mark and because of the swimming team he had cut almost all sugar from his diet, but as soon as Renjun opened his mouth to ask about it, the other boy was already drinking from his cup.

They ate for a while without talking, Jaemin had ordered from the same place Jaeun had gotten the pizza from a few days ago, when he first met Renjun on her house. He made sure to get the same toppings too, thinking that might be the boy’s favorite.

“So” Renjun really didn’t like to wait and thought if they kept eating in silence he would get indigestion “Shoot.”

Jaemin took a deep breath before he said anything, he wasn’t looking Renjun in the eye when he started.

“My sister won’t tell me what happened and I’m not sure what to do about it”

“So, you came to me for advice or to know about what happened?” He was confused.

“Probably the latter”

Renjun pondered if he should say anything, it really wasn’t his place to tell. But the person sitting next to him was her brother and he really seemed like a good guy, maybe a bit lost, but nonetheless good.

He figured he was already balls deep with this whole mess, so maybe he could use an ally.

“You gotta promise me you won’t tell Jaeun, she would kill me” Renjun warned, he had that same voice he used with Jaehwan, the one that Jaemin tried to imitate a few times to get the toddler to listen to him and failed miserably. “She’s trying her best not to involve anyone else in this.”

“You have my word”

Renjun didn’t really know if that was enough, he was a guy who left everyone and didn’t even notify his family about it. For now, he was all Jaeun had so he let it go.

“It was probably my fault, I meddled with stuff I shouldn’t” It was the first time he told anyone how he truly felt about the whole incident and got shocked with how liberating that actually was. “When I first started to teach near your sister’s café, I only knew some of the staff there, I liked their mini chocolate croissants and would stop by to buy some before my classes”

Renjun met Jaeun like that, after a few days of coming in he was already one of the loyal customers, they treated those like family. When she learned he was an artist and that he was teaching classes not too far from there, she decided to take a few, and quickly they became close.

It wasn’t like they had a lot in common, they just mainly would talk about the stuff she wanted to learn, and she would get his opinion on new menus and decorations for her new pastries.

He saw the ring on her finger, so he knew she was married. After a couple of months, he finally met the husband.

Shin Taehwan was a man of power, he worked for a big company and was always wearing suits, everything with him was too formal and it made Renjun uncomfortable. He couldn’t understand how Jaeun, the bubbly and catastrophic Jaeun, would fall for a guy so square like that.

He seemed like a good husband though, so that made the whole experience of meeting him worthwhile. He would stop sometimes to pick her up after the art classes and would politely greet Renjun while Jaeun would be in the bathroom cleaning herself up from any paint that could have gotten on her clothes or skin, Taehwan hated the smell of it and would freak out if any got on the leather seats of his car.

One day, when Renjun was out with his college friends at a club, he saw Taehwan. At first he didn’t think it truly was the man, he was too tipsy and was trying to understand why Donghyuck had dragged them to this club when all he wanted to do was to badmouth Mark, it seemed counterproductive, if he wanted to talk they could’ve gone somewhere quieter.

The man was with another woman, he still had his suit and he was sticking out like a sore thumb because of it. The sight made him come back to his senses a bit and when the couple went to the VIP area he decided to follow; the group was with Chenle at the time and there wasn’t anything Chenle wanted that he couldn’t get, so it was easy to find themselves a VIP room too.

He left his friends for a while to snoop around, but sadly – or gladly - did not find Taehwan anywhere.

After that encounter and a hangover, he did not know if he could trust his memories, so he became obsessed with finding out. Renjun would go to the same club almost every Saturday, waiting for Taehwan to show up. He would drag any of his poor friends with him, no one really understanding this obsession, but also not caring enough to stop him. They were young and at a club, it was a win-win situation for them.

After three Saturdays of him not showing up, Renjun thought the coast was clear again, maybe it was just someone that looked like him. He wasn’t used to seeing many men wearing suits on his day to day so maybe that was why he thought the man from the first night was Taehwan, because he was the only one he could associate to that image.

He felt light again, those few weeks had been hell for him, he did not know how to face Jaeun and it was starting to show, he would make excuses to not have the classes with the woman and tried his best not to look at her eyes too much. He couldn’t tell her if he wasn’t sure, now he was.

When he was leaving the club, feeling a lot better about everything, he saw the car.

 _Of course he would know the car_ , Taehwan made a fuss about his leather seats every time he came to pick Jaeun. Renjun didn’t think that vehicle was any better than the others around, but he also wasn’t interested in that topic. Nevertheless, that didn’t stop Taehwan from rambling about his precious car and showing it off to Renjun.

Taehwan also saw the boy this time, he had just parked and was getting out, a new girl – or maybe the same one, he wasn’t really paying attention - on the passenger seat. When their eyes met, they both stopped, dear in the headlights, and Renjun’s stomach tumbled.

This particular night he was accompanied by his favorite couple, Mark and Donghyuck, and since they were talking and not exactly paying attention, they didn’t have the reflex to stop what was about to happen.

Renjun marched to where Taehwan was and punched him three times in the face, not stopping to even breathe, the older man was so shocked he couldn’t do anything. Mark tried his best to stop Renjun and after a while he did, the boy was still possessed, Donghyuck came to the other guy’s aid, and the police was involved.

At 1 AM, Jaeun came to the police office with a tinier and sleepier Jaehwan, she was wearing a nightgown covered with just her coat and was confused when she saw both her husband and her now friend.

The girl that was with Jaehwan stayed since they needed her testimony, which only backed up Renjun’s side.

At first, he honestly thought he was doing the right thing, but as soon as he saw their kid his world crumbled. _He did not know they had a kid._

Donghyuck was the sensible one that got Jaehwan out of his mom’s arms and went to a nearby coffee shop with Mark so that the kid wouldn’t have to hear his mom screaming, that was the hardest night Renjun ever had and it was all his fault.

That was also the night he decided he would stay beside Jaeun no matter what, if she wanted to keep her marriage, he would make his lifetime commitment to make sure Taehwan was kept in line; if she wanted to let it go, he would be a safe place for her to rely on. He felt responsible.

After a few weeks of not seeing the woman and her not responding to his texts, she came to his classes again and acted as if nothing had happened. After the class was over and everyone was gone, she told him she was ready to swallow her pride and keep the façade for her son and future child – Renjun didn’t know until now she was expecting another child, he felt even shittier -, that was until she talked with Taehwan and he wasn’t really interested in making their relationship work.

People gossiped and now even his workplace knew what had happened, not having to pretend to anyone, not fulfilling his promise as a husband and father was liberating. As much as Jaeun was ready to make things work, he was not.

She was the one who asked for a divorce, but it was a matter of time until he did too, and she was now trying her best to not drown.

The air was heavy when Renjun finished the story, Jaemin was fuming with anger and he could sense it, that was exactly the expression he had when he first saw it happened. He could see the futy he had two months ago mirrored in Jaemin’s expression.

Renjun put one of his hands on Jaemin’s and gave it a little squeeze.

“What she needs right now is her brother” He told him. “She does not want revenge, she does not want to relive it, she wants safety, a family that won’t leave her”

The words stung, but he was right. Renjun’s hand was hot and that was when he realized his was cold as ice, he closed his eyes and focused on the warmth of the other boy.

“Fuck.”

“Yeah, it’s kind of a lot to take in” The little laugh Renjun gave was empty, but he tried anyway to lift the mood.

He looked at the smaller man, he wasn’t even part of their family and was a better brother to Jaeun than Jaemin ever was. He didn’t know whether to feel grateful or to be mad, he decided for now he would feel the first.

“Thank you”

Renjun smiled.

“No problem” He answered. “As long as you don’t tell Jaeun and promise to stay by her side I’ll tell you anything you’d like.”

“It’s a deal then”

Their hands were still together and Renjun was the first to pull away, Jaemin now feeling how cold it was without the boy’s warmth.

“That was a heavy topic, huh” The small boy tried to lighten up the mood. “Do you wanna do something else? Do you like… to watch dramas?”

Jaemin wasn’t particularly fond of them, but decided he was ok with spending some extra time with Renjun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jaemin and jaeun: *putting up "this is a loving huang renjun zone only" signs to their front doors*  
> renjun: *hating it here*  
> jaemin and jaeun: :D
> 
> \--
> 
> hahahah renmin neighbors i love them  
> anyways next chapter we'll get to see other dreamies~~  
> Have a great week everyone, I'll be back before it ends!


	4. Chapter 4

It was crazy how Jaemin was now a part of Renjun’s daily schedule, if anyone would have said anything three weeks ago, he would have called them crazy, just like he was feeling himself become now. The boy did not tell about this recent friendship to his other friends - but did give Mark Jaemin’s number -, he didn’t want Donghyuck to start grilling him for information when all they would do was hang out and take care of Jaehwan when Jaeun needed.

Donghyuck had the habit of making sure he could embarrass his best friend as frequent as possible, and that would extend to this one time Renjun had said that out of all the people on the swimming team, he liked Jaemin’s face the best – that was enough for Hyuck to try and mention it to Mark and set them up. Renjun had to threaten him with their friendship on the line so that the boy wouldn’t tell his boyfriend, Renjun didn’t really want anything out of Jaemin, he just thought his face was nice.

So, if Donghyuck knew how Renjun spent most of his evenings – and with who -, he was sure he would never hear the end of it.

Their newfound secret and protectiveness towards Jaemin’s sister became a reason to bond, the boys being pretty much on an unspoken promise to be on the lookout for her 24/7. Even with the new place, Jaemin would still spend a lot of his time taking Jaeun to the doctors and trying his best to understand how a café worked, once the baby got here she would have to take a leave and there would be no one to look for the establishment.

They would talk a lot, they had the time for it, Jaemin would tell Renjun about their memories as kids and growing up, how Jaeun would get out of class to go spy on Jaemin and make sure he wasn’t crying or hurt – he ran a lot and would scrape his knees almost every day, he still had the marks to prove it -, how they had this unspoken ritual to go out and get ice cream whenever it was too hot and their mom didn’t want them in the house, how he would cuss out the boys that tried to make a move on her, how she would always be the first person he would see whenever he got out of the water to check for his swimming scores, always on the bleachers, always cheering him on.

He also told him about the time their mother died, how Jaeun decided to take it up on herself to be the breadwinner, even if Jaemin didn’t like or ask for it, how she decided to marry this successful guy instead of going to France to study gastronomy like she always wanted, how she craved stability, how she was the one who would always push Jaemin to do whatever he loved because that was exactly what she would dream for him. Things started to click in Renjun’s head hearing it all.

Renjun would tell him things too; he told Jaemin about his early childhood, growing up in China with a full house; both his parents and grandparents, about how he always loved to customize his school uniform and would get in trouble for it, how he would try his best to pay attention to class and found out drawing helped him concentrate, how he wanted to experience other places and that led to leaving the comfort of his home and country.

Jaemin found it was easy to be around Renjun, he was straightforward and would always tell you if there was something bothering him. As a crowd pleaser his whole life, Jaemin thought it was nice to not have to read the room all the time, he could just relax and if there was something wrong he could count on Renjun to talk it out.

It was new to him and it was nice.

When Renjun got home, Jaemin was already there, he could smell the stew he was preparing and that made his mouth water.

They mainly hung out at Renjun’s flat, mostly because Jaemin’s was bare and had nothing to do. They ate together most of their meals and decided to buy the groceries together from now on, it was cheaper that way. They were still college students and any penny saved was a win by their book.

Renjun greeted the pink haired boy and went straight to the bathroom so he could shower before the food was ready. Now that Jaemin was there most of the time, he always had a spare of clothes in the bathroom waiting for him, that way he wouldn’t have to waltz around the room butt naked with just a towel to cover his body.

They were friends, but they were still _new friends_. It was best to take it slow.

When he reemerged from the bathroom, pink skin and steam coming out exposing his love for – almost unbearably – hot baths, the food was ready and Jaemin was setting the table.

Renjun sat on his chair, they already had assigned seats, and put his head on the cold surface of the table. The other boy chuckled.

“Rough day?”

“The kids decided it would be funny to get paint on the floor. Acrylic paint, I only noticed when it was already dry” Renjun answered, now turning his head so that he could look at Jaemin.

Renjun’s cheeks were reddish from the heat, his hair looking a lot darker since it was still wet. He had pretty big eyes and his eyebrows were twisting into a frown, he looked almost too delicate.

He knew Jaemin wouldn’t get it, first because he did not know much about his job and the characteristics of each paint he taught; second because Jaemin was enamored with children, everything he had done ever since he came back had to do with them.

Sure, Renjun liked Jaehwan and thought his students were cute, but there were still times he wanted to rip off their heads off. Jaemin was always serene when the topic was kids, he probably wouldn’t even care and would make that a good lesson for the class.

About a week ago, Jaemin started as an assistant on the kid’s section of their public library, he had to keep the kids entertained and read to them. Every time he came home it seemed as if his smile was bigger and that kind of pissed off Renjun sometimes, like today when his kids decided to prank their teacher.

A few days later, he also started as a tutor for kids with special needs and ones that were under the protection of the state. Renjun didn’t really understand how or why he was doing all that, he wasn’t even sure if that was a job, but he was happy to see Jaemin’s smile when he came home.

“Acrylic dries fast” Renjun tried to explain. “And it is a pain in the ass to try to clean it when it’s dry”

Jaemin just hummed, taking in the new information. He kept a space on his brain just to store the art stuff Renjun tried to teach him, one day he would surprise him with all his knowledge.

“What did you do, today?”

“Not much, the library was pretty chill, and I didn’t have any tutoring scheduled” Jaemin shrugged, giving the boy a bowl with rice. Whenever he would give something to Renjun, the older boy’s eyes would go straight to his forearm tattoos. “I came home and tried to clean up my place”

That wasn’t a lie, but he didn’t get to clean up that much, there was nothing to clean up because there was nothing in his place. Most of the boxes were still untouched, objects still stacked away and long forgotten. There was nothing wrong with the flat, but something stopped Jaemin from actually making any effort to transform it into a home, he felt like he was a passerby.

That’s why he liked Renjun’s place, you could see there was someone clearly living there and willing to make memories. There were drawings everywhere, unfinished and crumpled, fluffy cushions on the sofa, jars full of paintbrushes, plants – some on the brink of death and others healthy -, pictures of people, mostly guys hanging out and some of his mom too.

They ate for a few minutes in silence, savoring the food, now their quietness no longer weird. One of the good things about having someone to share your meals was that they always had them fresh, Renjun almost never had them before, he used to cook a big pot of one thing on Sundays and he would reheat it every day until the next Sunday.

“Tomorrow starts the training for the swimming team” Renjun reminded Jaemin. He did not know if the boy was going to try out again or if they would just accept him back, but since Mark and Donghyuck were coming home tonight he figured it would be best to freshen up his memory. “Are you going to participate?”

He tried to sound neutral, even though he was curious. He spent a lot of time with Jaeun and she had all these crazy theories as to why Jaemin was back and what had he done this few months he went MIA, naturally Renjun started to give in on her shenanigans.

“I’m not” Jaemin said, taking another bite of the rolled omelet he made. “But I am going to go see Jeno, make sure he knows I’m alive and that I’m ready to get my ass kicked”

Jeno was Jaemin’s best friend, and if even his sister did not know anything about Jaemin’s whereabouts these last months, Jeno was also kept in the dark. He knew the boy from elementary school, they spent most of their youth together and were inseparable, the main reason Jaemin decided to start the business major and try out for the swimming team was because Jeno was interested in those. He would have followed his best friend through the depts of hell if it meant they would be together.

Renjun laughed, he got to know Jeno better last semester, he started to hang out a lot with Mark – now that Jaemin was gone -, and therefore with Donghyuck and the rest of the gang. The boy looked intimidating at first, his arms were three times Renjun’s, but he was also the cutest and had the most adorable personality, it was kind of ridiculous even.

He doubted Jeno would kick Jaemin’s ass, for the little while they knew each other the boy just seemed like a great companion to chill with, talking to him always put Renjun in a good and fuzzy mood. Jeno was also down to keep up with Jisung and Hyuck’s antics, never getting tired of hearing the two talk, so if anything, he had the patience of a true saint.

He was also the one who would be called when the younger duo got in trouble and Mark was nowhere to be found, or the person who would make sure everyone was behaving at a public place, even if it meant pinching Jisung hard enough that he would yelp and be fussy the whole evening. So maybe Jaemin was right and he would get his ass kicked.

Anyhow, he was ready and he also kind of deserved it.

“What about you?” Jaemin asked. “You’re going to start your activities tomorrow as well, right?”

Renjun was one of the members of the Student Association of their college, which meant he had to help with the orientation of the freshmen every new semester.

That wasn’t a activity he was particularly keen of, he got engrossed with it while being a part of the Chinese Club – he had enrolled in the chance of making new friends, people who would be on the same boat as him, and that was how he met Chenle for the first time -, after a series of unfortunate events and poor planning from the Association with their school festivals and funding for the clubs, he decided it would be best to try and change stuff from the inside.

It had been over a year since he was a member from the Student Association and now, he was being courted to become the vice-president of it. Renjun knew how to keep things under control and wasn’t afraid to speak his mind, even if it meant going against his seniors. That was the main reason people looked up to him inside the club, they knew he was someone they could trust to get things right.

Renjun sighed, orientation meant he was going to babysit a bunch of recently turned adults and try to not have anyone get alcohol poisoning.

“Yeah” He frowned. “Next Monday starts the orientation and we need to baby-proof the entire school before that”

Jaemin didn’t participate in any of the orientation days besides his own, he remembered how excited he and Jeno were, and how he found out that day that being black out drunk was a thing that actually existed and it wasn’t just a way of speaking.

That whole event was a blur, he remembers having to do silly dances, excitedly drinking – he had just turned twenty -, telling his name over and over to the seniors since they always forgot and would call him whatever they’d like. When the days passed, he found himself a new friend and savior, Mark was the senior that stuck around and made sure everyone was ok.

If he had to take care of the twenty-year-old Jaemin being the person that he was now, he would have probably left him to die. Serves him right for not knowing his own boundaries.

The compassion Jaemin had for others did not extend to himself.

Their nights would consist of eating and watching some bad reality TV, Renjun was obsessed with the _really_ bad ones and would try to get Jaemin into them too. The younger never really watched that much television, his habits being cut to zero on these last months, but he would power through and find it funny how Renjun became outraged with the obviously scripted shows.

Jaemin would notice how Renjun liked to sit on the corner of the sofa, putting his legs up and tucking them in, he managed to look even smaller doing so. He would have a hand near his mouth always, sometimes nibbling on his thumb, sometimes just resting.

When it got too late and he would see Renjun dozing off on the couch, Jaemin would try his best to not startle him and send him to bed. He would make sure everything was clean, plates and pots were dried and put back on their places and would leave to find his own bed to crash downstairs.

Unfortunately, the next day was hot. It was a Thursday and Renjun had just gotten off the bus, heading straight to the college gates. He greeted some people that passed by, a few of them being familiar faces and some he thought could be freshmen trying to sneak a peak of their new home.

The weather was not supposed to be this weird during this time of the year, but somehow the mornings were unbearably hot, and the evenings would get chilly, that made the whole experience of getting dressed a nightmare.

Renjun decided it would be better to face the cold today, he didn’t want to be too sticky while organizing the classes for their club meetings. He went with khaki shorts, a white sleeveless shirt – one of those he didn’t really like, so that if it got dirty or ripped he wouldn’t feel too bad about it – topped with a button down navy shirt that he kept open. The only thing preventing him from squinting from the sun was the snapback he was wearing.

He was fifteen minutes early for their meeting, he didn’t plan that, but the bus seemed to be faster today, and he quickly reached his destination. He got to the classroom and made sure to open the windows so that a breeze could pass through the room, it helped a bit.

The Orientation Committee agreed to use the room the Student Association usually used; it was mostly the same members anyway for both groups. There were of course the captains and presidents of each clubs, teams and some people on charge of speaking for their majors, those were also obliged to participate on these meetings, since they would be taking part in showing off every aspect of the college culture.

The first person to get there was Chenle, who quickly walked in as if he owned the place – he was sharing a dorm room with Jisung and his building was the closest to the whole campus -, he was sporting a mischievous grin and greeted Renjun in Chinese.

Chenle was a year younger than Renjun and was his partner in crime for most of these meetings. His black hair always so shocking in contrast to his pale skin, which made him look more intimidating than he actually was. His smile gave him away, though.

He plopped down next to the older boy and they kept talking about their summer, Renjun told him about his classes and how Jaehwan was already talking so much, Chenle told him about his summer back with his family in China. They would stop sometimes to greet everyone.

When almost everyone was there, the meeting started. They decided which majors would use the gym for their presentations and gatherings and which were going to have to use the bigger classrooms, Renjun went through the list of prohibited actions and behaviors, eyeing specially the captain of the soccer team – who he knew liked to scare freshmen and catcall -, and they all helped take some of the desk and chairs out of the rooms that were going to be used next week.

The boy noticed how Jeno, who was now the new captain of the swim team, did not show up. With what Jaemin had said yesterday, he hoped it was for a good cause.

Jaemin was incredibly nervous, even more so than when he saw Jaeun for the first time. Maybe because he saw how his sister reacted, so he was expecting Jeno to react the same way, to revoke his best friend card and leave him be.

Knowing that if he kept stalling the thoughts would eat him alive, so he decided to go wait for him by the swimming pool at their school. He got there early, _too_ early even, he knew Jeno wouldn’t be there for a while, thus he sat on the bleachers and waited for him.

He had a notebook in which he would write sometimes, mostly the stuff he needed to do and dreams he wanted to fulfill, he bills and papers from the places he went were all there, he picked up that habit from one of the fishermen in Pohang and realized that skipping through the pages now soothed him. It was a reminder of the places he had been and where he was heading.

He wasn’t sure how many minutes – or maybe an hour? – had passed when he noticed a shadow standing in front of him.

_Jeno._

Jaemin was happy he decided to skip on breakfast today with Renjun, he was sure the food would be coming back now. The boy was already in his outfit to train, swim trunks and windbreaker.

Jeno looked bigger somehow – he really was -, his features becoming more prominent since he started to work out more intensely, angular jaw and high cheekbones, his light brown hair fluffy, he didn’t have it in him to style it this morning.

There were some other people by the pool, some familiar faces, and others not, no one seemed to want to go talk to Jaemin. Maybe they were waiting for Jeno to make the first move, once their captain did, they would know how to react.

Jaemin smiled and got up, they were closer now that both were standing. Jeno’s face was deadpan, but his eyes were shimmery, as soon as Jaemin opened his mouth to say something he felt it.

Jeno punched him right in the stomach – unlike Jaemin, he was still a swimmer and his arms were even more powerful now -, the sharp pain made him lose all the air he had stored in his lungs and he leaned to bend over. Jeno gave him a hand so he wouldn’t fall.

“Your hair is pink.” Jeno noticed, Jaemin couldn’t see his face but he thought he heard a hint of a smile.

He gestured with his index finger, as if to ask for a minute, he wasn’t thinking straight with the pain Jeno inflicted. He joked with Renjun about getting his ass kicked, however he didn’t really expect Jeno would try to kill him.

After finally standing upright again – worried Jeno was just waiting to land him another blow -, he saw his best friend’s face, the smile there the same as when he would win first place at a match, almost childlike.

When Jeno put his hands on him he thought he would get punched again, but this time there was a hug. He knew this type of hug, it was reserved for Jaemin when he wanted to convey more than words could express, it was tight, and he could feel the place that was punched earlier becoming sore.

“I heard it was in style these days” Jaemin joked, thinking how Jeno was precisely putting more pressure next to where he punched, sneaky.

“You look like shit, though”

“You just sucked the life out of me with that punch of yours, I’m allowed”

“Are you here to train?”

Jaemin knew he would have to have this talk with Jeno once he got back, he thought his best friend would have kept the spot Jaemin used to have on the team vacant, with the sheer hope he would come back and make things right.

“No.” Jaemin wasn’t looking in Jeno’s eyes, he was focused on watching the water in the pool move “I’m just here to see you, actually”

With that being said, his friend understood and decided it would be best to not participate in their trainings today – or the committee meeting that was scheduled for now, Jeno was going to hand out everyone’s training schedule and head there -, but he was scared to leave Jaemin alone and have the boy disappear again. He made a quick call to Mark, hurrying him over to take his place and lead the team and went to change clothes so that they could leave the pool area.

Some people approached Jaemin now, everyone smiling and hungry for information of what happened, he smiled back and made small talk, praying that Jeno would get back quickly.

He didn’t, Jeno took his time and Jaemin decided to wait for him outside, the smell of chlorine assaulting his nose. He sat on a bench and observed the campus, the old buildings, green grass, the few people there, it was almost like nothing had really changed.

While mindlessly watching everyone, he saw Renjun. The boy was absentmindedly walking to a building near him, sometimes he would greet someone and frown, almost as if he didn’t know who that person was or why did he greet them. The older boy did not see Jaemin.

Renjun was someone easy to talk to, or maybe Jaemin had grown and now knew how to actually talk to people. Maybe it was both. He wanted to shout his name and wave.

He noticed that the boy had a liking to bigger shirts, he was always lost in them, sometimes it would make him look ridiculous; today, somehow, Jaemin wanted to own that shirt.

He wondered if he should try talking to Renjun about everything before he decided to tell Jaeun or Jeno. There was something about a newly formed friendship that made it less burdensome, he thought maybe hearing from someone he did not know much would be better than getting judged first by the most important people in his life.

“You ready?” Jeno made his thoughts vanish, maybe he would tell his best friend first. He couldn’t really keep anything away from him anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, hm, yeah... I'm a sucker for renmin and casual settings.  
> Next chapter we'll get more groups interactions and I'm excited to have some of them together.  
> N e way thank you for all the support with this fic, it's my first one and you guys have been amazing T_T  
> Have a great week ~~


	5. Chapter 5

_“You’re transferring?”_

Jaemin had a lot of things to discuss, so he went along with something that was the easiest for now. Testing the waters, it was not going smoothly.

He had decided to tell Jeno first, the look on his face being of complete shock. They were on a coffee house near the campus – Jeno wanted to go to Jaeun’s café, but Jaemin wouldn’t be able to talk without his sister trying to pry in on their conversation.

“Just majors” Jaemin calmed his friend down while drinking his coffee – he always liked strong coffee, but ever since he got back he felt as if there wasn’t anywhere who would make it strong enough, the flavor was missing somehow -, Jeno looked like he just said he was cutting all ties with him “Stop being dramatic”

Jeno scoffed. “You have no right to say I’m being dramatic”

And he was right, Jaemin had absolutely zero rights as of now and would not get them any time soon. Leaving everyone, canceling his number, and going MIA topped anything on their book about being dramatic. Even Donghyuck couldn’t pull that shit off.

Jaemin laughed, he was happy and feeling like a huge weight left his shoulders. His best friend was there, he had – perhaps – forgiven him, and he would try his best to build the bridges he burned, Jeno being his priority.

“Why?” Jeno asked, looking directly at Jaemin.

The boy wanted to avert his gaze, not feeling extremely comfortable, but figured he owed that to his friend.

“Honestly, I’m afraid to go down a path that will make me miserable” He now looked down to his coffee and realized how bad that would sound “Not that _you_ ’re gonna be miserable because of it, you know, I’m just…” He sighed. “I don’t know what I’m doing, I just know what I don’t wanna do”

Jeno was confused, but he also knew Jaemin was trying his best right now.

Jaemin was never one to talk much about his feelings, ever since his mother died, he had tried his best to be the emotional support Jaeun needed, never actually caring for what he needed too.

As much as it hurt Jeno, he always thought Jaemin would have a good enough explanation for leaving when he came back, he had already waited for six months, he wouldn’t mind waiting a little longer, specially now that his best friend was back.

“Yeah. I guess that’s a start.”

There was an uncomfortable silence; Jeno wanted answers, Jaemin knew he deserved them. He felt as if there were still things left to unpack with himself before he could talk to others, and he needed the time to understand it all, to accept and forgive.

“Anyway, how are things with you?” He took a bite of the cake they decided to share, it was overly sweet just like Jaemin liked it. “Mark told me you became captain”

Jeno took a piece of the cake with his fork, but let it go once he heard his friend.

“Dude.” He started. “Mark knew you were back _first_?”

Oh, fuck.

Mark, Jeno and Jaemin were the trio that people would cheer on, being the top for the sports teams, bringing home the gold in competitions. They had also become good friends, spending most of their weekends together, between parties, movies and videogames, everything they did was in groups of three. Jeno got drunk and picked a fight with the other team? Count on Mark and Jaemin to get beaten up too. Mark screwed up one of the many dates Hyuck marked on their calendar? Jaemin and Jeno would help plan out an even bigger surprise event. That’s just how things were with them.

Even though they were a trio, Jaemin and Jeno were always first, they had known each other for the longest time and were unbreakable.

“Yeah” Jaemin knew how it looked, but honestly, he wasn’t the one to reach out, Mark took the initiative. “Renjun, hm, he’s my sister’s and Donghyuck’s friend, told him”

Jeno was even more baffled.

“ _Renjun knew?_ ”

Wait.

What?

“You know Renjun?” Jaemin was now confused, seeing his two worlds collide. He couldn’t really picture Renjun out of his home, too used to now seeing the boy all to himself.

“He’s my friend too” Jeno said, as if it was nothing. “I can’t believe Mark and Renjun knew and no one told me”

Jeno knew Renjun because of Donghyuck, he was his best friend and confidant. The boy had a short temper most of the time, always ready to square someone up – the someone almost always being either Hyuck or Jisung -, but he also was super passionate about a lot of stuff and had a killer sense of humor. Whenever they went out for drinks, Jeno would try to sit next to Renjun and just laugh the night away.

“Oh” Jaemin noticed he introduced Renjun into the conversation as his sister’s friend, but honestly these past few days he had become way more than that, Renjun was the emotional support he didn’t know he needed. “Yeah, but I was busy, and I wanted to talk to you in person”

He had things he would like to tell Jeno too, things about Renjun, but he was also not ready to unpack it yet.

“I’m taking your best friend card away” Jeno declared, taking away the piece of cake they were sharing and putting it as close to his side of the table as possible.

“If you do, I swear I’ll make a scene right now” Jaemin threatened and the other boy smiled.

Renjun was back home making some microwavable popcorn, he had made plans with the boys to meet there and catch up, drink beer, and eat junk food.

After he and Chenle finished organizing everything at the university, they took the bus back to his place and texted both Jisung and Donghyuck to tell them they were already free. Renjun had managed to clear his class schedules today, which mainly consisted of the one-on-one class he gave Jaeun and another one with a senior married couple, he promised both he would compensate next week but right now he really wanted to see his friends.

They took turns showering, the day was stupidly hot and both were sweating a lot, Chenle figured he would have to clean himself up at Renjun’s place after that morning, so he had already a spare of clothing in his bag.

Chenle was in the bathroom, Renjun had already showered and was now putting the hot popcorn in a bowl, all the windows open to make the room more bearable. There were chips, dried squid and a variety of sweets and chocolate waiting for everyone, Hyuck was in charge of bringing the beer. His fridge was small and ever since Jaemin started hanging around here it was always filled with food, so it was better to just buy cold beer from a convenience store than wait for the fridge to cool the ones Renjun had home.

He caught himself thinking about the pink haired boy, how he was getting used to sharing a kitchen and not eating his meals alone. Once Jaeun had the baby that would probably stop, and he could feel his heart heavy because of it.

Renjun who wanted to meet the little girl as soon as possible, the one that was painting the walls to her nursery and helped pick up her clothes, was also now a little sad and fearful about the day she would come.

He moved the dinner table closer to the wall, trying to focus on other things, so that there would be more space near the coffee table, and everyone could gather around. His place was small, but they could make it work.

A little later Jisung and Hyuck got there, Chenle had just finished showering and Renjun had set the coffee table filled with snacks.

Jisung was still tall and lean as always, his hair now dark red – he thought it made him look cool and mysterious -, he had the aura of a gentle giant; fat baby cheeks, petite mouth and a high nose bridge on a 6ft body, he was full of contradictions that harmonized. He had his hoodie on, the one he seemed to live in last semester, and the skinny jeans Hyuck gave him for Christmas last year.

“Hyung, help” Jisung told Renjun as soon as he entered the apartment, handing him a bag filled with beers, he took them with pleasure. “Donghyuck hyung is _clingy_ ” The last word sounding like an insult.

He went to take cover behind a wet haired and smiley Chenle, his black hair even darker now. The boys greeted each other, happy to be near again.

“I’m hooooome” Hyuck announced, showing off the other bag with cold beers they had. He put them down and shoved Renjun into a hug, it was meant to be affectionate, but also annoying to the older man. “Wow, your place still looks like a psychopath lives here”

He was smiling, that cheeky grin that he had when he wanted to poke fun at the expense of others, Hyuck put his head on Renjun’s shoulder, an arm on the older’s waist.

Renjun spent a lot of time making sure his place was pretty, so he did not take that comment seriously. Sure the walls were mostly white, but that was simply because he would not like to paint it over when he had to move out, it was almost like something you would find on a house catalogue, but other than that the whole place screamed coziness, his plants were now on the balcony getting some well-deserved sunlight.

He did like to keep things clean.

He thought about Jaemin and his bare room, if Donghyuck thought his place was weird, he couldn’t imagine the amount of judgement he would have for Jaemin’s.

Donghyuck let Renjun go and went to greet Chenle.

“He says that because he lives in a dumpster” Chenle was the one to poke him back, meanwhile hugging the boy, and Hyuck gasped, feigning shock.

“I do not, take that back”

“You live with Mark” Jisung pointed out, sitting on the floor near the coffee table, soon all the other boys followed. “It’s kinda the same thing”

“Oh right” Renjun laughed. Mark, Jeno and some other guys rented a house near campus to live in a few months back, while frequenting the university. Hyuck still had his room at the dorms, but soon it became obvious he and Mark were going to live together in that house. Unfortunately for him, the boys did not want to pay for someone to do the cleaning duty, but also did not clean anything right. It was driving Hyuck mad. “I feel sorry for you, having to go back there”

“I can’t believe you’re still with him after I saw that _sink_ ” When the guys threw a housewarming party, some people were kind enough to stay a little later to help clean up – Renjun and Jisung being on that list. They tried their best to take out some stains from the sink, but at the end of it all were too embarrassed and uncomfortable to even ask what that was.

“He is so _pretty_ though” Hyuck said, purple hair shining with the lighting coming from the windows as he stuffed his face with popcorn. “You’ll understand someday”

Jisung made vomiting noises and Chenle laughed, looking past Hyuck and catching onto something.

“Oh wow” He saw the pictures that Renjun had put up on display, he felt somehow proud. “I can’t believe you actually hung them.”

Chenle and Renjun met Jisung during his orientation week, the boy had looked so lost and stumbled into the Chinese Club, even though he had no plans of actually learning Chinese. The boys found it funny, the younger’s scaredy-cat eyes helping, and immediately took a liking to him.

Jisung thought it was nice to have met such good seniors straight away, Renjun made sure to intimidate any other senior that wanted to play pranks on the younger – he learnt pretty quickly that Renjun wasn’t someone you could afford to not be friends with, what he lacked in height he compensated with fierceness -, and Chenle offered to show him around, they were closer in age and immediately bonded.

On one of the nights they went to a bar and there he met Donghyuck. The boy had light brown hair and rainbow streaks at the time, the younger thought that was cool. Hyuck, unlike the other boys, had no intention of being a good senior to Jisung; and the younger, trying to catch up to him, got drunk for the first time in his life.

Renjun scolded Donghyuck for three days after that, but the night was memorable. Jisung got so drunk he tried to learn how to skate without a skateboard, Donghyuck joined giving him directions, while Chenle recorded everything laughing,

They somehow spent the rest of the night laughing on the campus’ garden, lying down on the grass, clutching their bellies from the pain it was causing. At some point Chenle snapped a few pictures, all of them looking like they had just fought a bear and won.

Chenle on Christmas gave them all a copy of the pictures, as a joke. That picture and those memories were now framed in Renjun’s home.

“Hyung,” Jisung pleaded “Please burn that.”

The aftermath to that night wasn’t pretty though, Jisung woke up with the strongest headache of his life and not in his dorms, so that gave him a mild panic attack until he calmed himself down enough to see that he was in Renjun’s house with the other three completely passed out. Realizing it was ok, he thought about getting up and it didn’t take him even three seconds to throw up on the floor and wake everyone up while at it.

Donghyuck, who always had been sensitive to those things, threw up too.

And Renjun almost killed them both.

“Don’t” Hyuck said, glaring at Jisung. “It’s cute, I like the curation you made”

Alongside the picture from that night, there was one of Renjun and Donghyuck back at Hyuck’s dorm room, they had just finished their first week of finals and had the under eye bags to prove it, they didn’t shower for three whole days and Hyuck insisted on snapping a picture to commemorate. They looked beaten up and accomplished.

There was another of Renjun grabbing Jisung and almost manhandling him when they were on the rooftop to Renjun’s place. Jisung had a fear of heights and had the poor judgement to tell them that day, the older did not hesitate to prank Jisung and the picture showed Jisung sitting, eyes and mouth open – you could almost hear him screaming and begging Renjun to stop -, while Renjun pulled him by one of his arms.

The last picture of the group was one back in Mark’s house, the day he was officially added to their group, back when he started seeing Donghyuck. They were all sitting by the table, Mark had bought them meat for a barbecue – the first and last time he made that mistake, they ate so much Mark decided to never treat them again -, and the night was lovely, Renjun took a picture with all of them to remember.

There were some others, one of his mom and grandmother sitting by the fire talking, one of him as a child and one of Jaehwan covered in markers, the first time he babysat for Jaeun.

“I like them too” Chenle admitted. “Just didn’t know my present would actually be used” Chenle printed out those pictures as a gag gift and never actually thought they would look nice in a composition; the picture was blurry, and they all looked like shit. It was still a fond memory, nevertheless.

Jisung, knowing he couldn’t win that fight, let it go. “Have you guys checked out all your classes yet?”

“I have” Chenle responded “But I’m going to try to change one of them, picked the class with the professor that sleeps all the time”

Chenle had decided to change his major a year ago, going from Mathematics – something his parents really liked – to Psychology, it made sense for someone like Chenle, who was so in sync and considerate to others. It was still a secret to his parents, though.

“Isn’t that a good thing? At least they won’t remember you” Donghyuck asked “There’s only one professor teaching my Figure Drawing course and I’m pretty sure she hates me”

Donghyuck was majoring in Graphic Design, he liked to create new things and became close with Renjun because the older would help him with the drawings whenever he asked him to.

“I got whatever I could, to be honest.” Renjun admitted “Haven’t really been paying that much attention”

Renjun had his plate full, now that he was teaching in a little studio to mostly kids and elders – he used to be an assistant and once more people started to want the classes he was in, he got promoted to teaching on his own -, plus he had all the extra clubs in school and Jaehwan. He really didn’t care about his major classes this semester, as much as he should.

“Oh” Jisung said. “It’s just me that’s screwed then. Great.”

Jisung was majoring in Computer Science, mostly because he really liked games and didn’t really care for anything else back in school. He forgot to select which classes he would like to take this semester and now had to accept whatever was left for him.

When he told them the story, Chenle only laughed calling him a dumbass.

The day was quiet and comfortable, exactly what they needed. Everyone got tipsy while catching up on whatever they missed from the break.

“Have you heard from Jeno, hyung?” Chenle asked Hyuck after a while. “He was supposed to show up this morning and he didn’t answer my texts.”

Hyuck pinched his nose bridge and took a deep breath. “Don’t ask me about that _monster_ ”

Jisung made confused noises and Renjun knew they were about to get some dramatic version of something that really wasn’t a big deal, he smiled and drank his beer. Oh, how he missed them.

There was something about his group of friends, how they would always be at each other’s throat but would also give each other a limb if anyone asked; he never felt more at home than with them.

“Can you believe” Donghyuck started “my pretty, but also _super dumb_ , boyfriend was about to dick me down and stopped everything he was doing for a call with _Jeno_?” Donghyuck said the boy’s name like it was a curse.

“Are you telling us you have competition now?”

“Funny, Zhong” Hyuck answered dryly “No, I’m serious. Renjun knows this too, tell them!” He flailed his arms towards the smaller boy, Renjun knew nothing of that sort though. “We’ve been almost three weeks together in Canada, to which all those days Mark wouldn’t touch me with a ten-foot pole, being way too scared of his parents hearing something. So of course, when we got back, I thought I would finally get some action, right? _Wrong_. We were tired yesterday, so I was ok with it. But today was my day, we were going to do the nasty after WEEKS, I was already butt naked. It took _one,_ ” He gestured with both his hands, which made it two but Renjun was too entertained to care “ _one_ call from Jeno for my stupid boyfriend to store his dick back in his underwear and leave the house”

Jisung was now tapping his ears and trying his best to drown out the vivid imagery Donghyuck was trying to paint there. He always felt better not knowing the sexual life his friends had.

Renjun carried on with Chenle’s narrative “It does sound like you have competition, though”

“Sounds like Mark’s the problem” Chenle added fuel to the fire.

Hyuck ignored both of them and their laughter.

“Lee Jeno is now my number one enemy” He stated. “Y’all better be with me on that, otherwise we’re through”

Renjun raised his beer, pledging alliance. He knew it would all be over the moment Hyuck finally got the dick he wanted.

Mark joined Jaemin and Jeno after practice, his dark brown hair damp from showering in the swim team’s locker room.

“Holy shit” He said, in awe of Jaemin “You do have pink hair and tattoos”

Somehow, knowing Renjun, Mark really thought the boy was joking while talking about Jaemin’s new look. He wouldn’t have guessed that his friend would have changed so drastically, the natural brown of his hair going to bubblegum pink and a hint of a tattoo showing up on his collarbones, two on his forearms. It was weird seeing him like that, but once he saw the smile, he thought it somehow suited Jaemin better than it ever did.

“I do” They hugged it out and Mark sat next to Jeno, wanting to be close to Jaemin but also wanting to not have to strain his neck every time he would like to look at him – and he wanted to look at his friend as much as possible right now.

“Did it hurt?”

“Not those ones” Jaemin said. “It’s kinda like someone is scratching you with a burning needle”

Mark decided then to never get any tattoos.

They left the coffee house and grabbed some lunch together, Mark told Jaemin about how he almost left the swimming team entirely to focus on his studies – Jeno did not let him, he decided to become captain so Mark could still be on the team and have less responsibilities -, Jeno talked about the girl he was seeing and how he found out she was also seeing two other guys – he didn’t admit it, but he cried a lot because of it. First, his friend decided to leave without a proper goodbye and then he got betrayed again, it was a lot. Donghyuck was the one who got him out of his slump when he introduced him to Renjun, Chenle and Jisung. -, they also told Jaemin about their new house next to campus.

“Renjun said your situation with the condo isn’t final” Mark commented “It’s just something because you had nowhere to go on such a short notice, right?”

Jaemin knew they talked and figured they would sometimes mention him, but he had no idea Mark knew that much about his whole house arrangement.

“Yeah” He admitted. “Living on my sister’s couch wasn’t exactly the best thing”

“How is she?” Jeno asked.

“Huge” Jaemin laughed and Mark gave him a disapproving look – Just like Renjun, he also had become pretty protective of Jaeun. “But she’s ok, hanging there. I like to kid myself thinking she is better now that I’m here”

And she was, Jaemin wouldn’t really know that, but Renjun could see the difference that the presence of her brother had in her.

“You should really worship the ground Renjun walks on” Mark wasn’t looking at Jaemin, he was just playing with his noodles. “I was there the first night and it wasn’t pretty”

Jaemin had heard the story from Renjun, the confirmation of the happenings by Mark’s mouth didn’t help with his anger.

“Yeah, I know”

Jeno saw something in Jaemin’s eyes, his mouth pressed into a thin line, there was more to it, but he also knew his friend and decided to change the topic.

“And how is she handling the whole car fiasco?” Jeno asked, trying to divert to a lighter topic, stuffing his mouth with food.

“What car fiasco?” He thought it was funny how Jeno put it.

Both Mark and Jeno froze, looking at their friend. They didn’t know if it was something they couldn’t have talked about. The little smile on Jaemin’s face died.

“What car fiasco?” He tried again.

When Renjun said Jaeun didn’t want revenge he was serious. Mostly because she had already gotten a revenge that satisfied her, now she just wanted to get what was right for her kids and move on.

The revenge had been getting Taehwan’s spare keys that he kept in one of his sock drawers and using that to key his car, getting inside it and ripping up the Italian leather seats he adored and talked about so many times.

Jaeun didn’t do it alone, she was with both Renjun and Mark that night – they needed someone to drive and Mark gladly took them to the motel Jaeun knew Taehwan would be staying at - and the three of them made sure to not leave one thing untouched.

The next day, Taehwan came to the coffee shop to yell at Jaeun and Renjun punched him in the face, he also got punched back and if Mark had been there, he was sure he would have made Taehwan cry.

Jaemin now knew why she didn’t want revenge. She got hers, as petty as that was.

That screamed like Jaeun to him.

The only reason why that was a fiasco was that now Taehwan was using that night as a leverage on their divorce settlement. Mark felt responsible in a way, if he didn’t let Renjun rile him up and tried to maintain his cool, if he didn’t drove them there, then Jaeun wouldn’t be having such a headache with the divorce.

That wasn’t true and both Jaeun and Renjun tried telling him this, Taehwan would have found something else and Jaeun would have gone either way, she would’ve taken a taxi for all she cared.

“Buy him a meal, really” Jeno finished, talking about Renjun. “The poor boy hasn’t slept well in ages because of it all”

Jaemin thought that was funny, since he was the one cooking for Renjun almost every day, but just nodded.

When they first met, Jaemin had noticed the dark circles underneath the boy’s eyes, how his brow would crumple with worry, but he also noticed how these days it seemed a lot better, Renjun had said it himself that he was sleeping better. This dynamic was benefitting them both and Jaemin would do whatever he could to keep Renjun comfortable and happy.

“Also” Mark added “Before we get sidetracked again, there’s a room available in our house. It’s been available for a while, ever since Taeyong left to start his Masters. It would be cool to be roommates with you again”

“And not let you leave our sight” Jeno added.

That made sense, a room would be cheaper than a whole apartment, plus he would split the bills with more people, so it was a good offer. He didn’t take it at that moment, since he felt like he needed to talk to Renjun first, they had an agreement and he should honor it.

Also, he didn’t feel like leaving where he was.

Later that day, Jaemin was going home after lunch with Jeno and Mark. He climbed up to the third floor and would have entered the apartment, he wanted to tell Renjun about his day – about Jeno and Mark, talk to him about his friends that were apparently also Renjun’s friends, ask him why he hadn’t talked about it before -, he also wanted to get ice for his ribs and his place did not have a tray for ice cubes. He would’ve if he didn’t listen to the laughter first, a set of them, Renjun wasn’t alone.

He didn’t want to pry on his personal matters, he wasn’t even a close friend and with all that happened today, he realized how much he did not know about Renjun and how little did the other know about him. They were tiptoeing around each other, sharing a common affection and that was it.

He had to turn around and go back to his place, wondering who were the friends inside Renjun’s place, were they the ones in the pictures? Was Donghyuck there? Had he ever heard Renjun laugh this hard?

It was fine though; he could just talk to him another day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!  
> So, I decided to focus a bit on their friend group and their dynamics this chapter - I'm kinda in love with writing about their friendship -, we'll get more renmin in the next one.  
> Hope you all have a great weekend! 
> 
> p.s: kudos and comments are super appreciated, love you all


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no social life, so I decided to create a few extra things for this series.  
> We now have a [spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4A8yyS6TLlglvsBWyirQd1?si=-uQs6aaZS127QgM5oJaMFw) with the songs that are helping me write, I'll probably keep updating as time goes on.  
> We also have a [pinterest board](https://br.pinterest.com/clariexyz/1-his-tattoos/) and there's already 800+ pins, someone stop me lmao  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/toojuns)

Renjun woke up the next day with the sound of an alarm that wasn’t his, he felt something weighing him down and as soon as he opened his eyes he realized it was just Jisung who had one arm and leg on top of him.

They had all overstayed, laughing and drinking the night away. He was the one who initially thought it would be a good idea to just have everyone stay the night, but his present self and their headache were now really mad at Renjun’s drunk choices.

The apartment was quiet other than the alarm, now fading, everyone was still asleep and they didn’t clean anything up from yesterday, all the bowls were still on the table, there was a bit of food on the floor as well – from when Jisung decided to throw popcorn at Donghyuck to stop him from talking. Renjun’s plants slept on the balcony and that wouldn’t be good for their health, the nights were usually chilly, but right now he couldn’t be bothered to get them.

As much as his head hurt, he also knew they all needed that day to themselves, they were being young and dumb again; Jisung and Chenle making sure to bother Donghyuck as much as they could, Hyuck trying to hug Jisung all night long, the four bickering nonstop, laughing and fighting.

His bed wasn’t small, but he also never had to accommodate three grown men there, he noticed how Chenle was on the couch – being the smart one and actually getting to sleep somewhat comfortably.

The ringtone came from somewhere else in the house, starting to get louder again, he detangled himself from Jisung – the boy still sleeping soundly – and went to pick up the phone that was left on the ground next to an empty bowl of popcorn and turn it off.

He suppressed a loud groan, feeling how tired he was from the bad night, he hated waking up like this; disoriented and sore, like a truck had just hit him. He walked to his kitchen, grabbing the empty bowls to put in the sink. He would deal with that later.

Chenle and him still had to go back to the campus, to continue preparing for the Orientation Committee, so when he looked at the clock and saw they still had time he was relieved.

Renjun decided to hop on the shower, letting the hot water wash away his worries for a minute, forgetting the tiredness and indulging on the warm feeling. Once he got out, he noticed Chenle was starting to wake up, hair all messy and eyes that were struggling to open.

They mouthed to each other a good morning.

He went back to the kitchen to eat something, cursing his life cause he got too accustomed to Jaemin being there all the time, so he never had takeout or any packed lunch ready and he would kill for one now.

This time when a ringtone echoed through the room Renjun recognized, it was his cellphone, and Chenle was startled, the sound too close to him, he tapped underneath and emerged with the elder’s cellphone on his hand, he tossed it to Renjun and the boy caught it sending him a glare.

Renjun looked at the visor and thought maybe his friend had superpowers.

“Hi” His voice was still rough from being unused.

 _“Did I wake you up?”_ Jaemin’s voice was bright and he could hear the worry.

He grabbed a bottle of water and filled two cups, soaking up on the rays of sunshine that were creeping through the window, his little routine making more sense now that he was hearing Jaemin’s voice.

“No” Renjun tried to calm him, not knowing the cause of his worry wasn’t actually him. “I was up already, taking a shower”

 _“Right”_ Jaemin didn’t really believe him, or maybe was too engrossed in some other thoughts to care. _“So, two things actually: first one is that two of my classes are not going to happen today and I can take care of Jaehwan in the afternoon”_

That was exactly what Renjun needed to hear.

 _“I’ll only need you to replace me by five o’ clock, would that be ok?”_ Jaemin continued.

That meant Renjun was only going to look after the toddler for two hours maximum, until Jaeun got back, and that he could do.

“Yeah” He walked towards Chenle with one of the cups filled with water, giving it to him. “I can do that”

 _“Great”_ Jaemin responded. _“Second is that I made some soup and was going to bring it to you, but I have some stuff to take care of right now”_

Renjun was being spoiled and he knew that, he also couldn’t help but have his insides feeling warm.

 _“I didn’t get to finish it though”_ Jaemin said. _“It still needs to boil some more, it’s in my place, take it and reheat it”_

“You’re not coming?” Renjun’s voice was lower when he asked, feeling a little tug on his insides.

 _“No, I’m sorry”_ Jaemin answered. _“I had to leave home in a hurry”_

“Is everything ok?”

Renjun was aware of how secretive Jaemin could be sometimes and he usually respected that, but right now his senses were all telling him there was something more and he wanted to know.

 _“Yeah, it will be”_ Jaemin chuckled, it was artificial, something wasn’t right. _“Don’t worry. I’ll see you later?”_

“Yeah” He felt a little discouraged “Thank you, I’ll see you later”

Jaemin was the one to end the call and as much as he gave Renjun two presents in this cursed morning, the elder couldn’t help but worry.

Worry wasn’t a strange feeling for Renjun when it came to Jaemin - it wasn’t a strange feeling to anyone when it came to the pink-haired boy as Renjun was starting to notice.

Chenle, being the only one up and bored out of his mind, couldn’t really do much else other than analyze Renjun and his conversation.

“So, who’s the boy?” The younger asked and got an eyeroll in return.

Renjun was quick to retrieve the hot soup from Jaemin’s apartment and make some rice for them. When the others finally woke up, they were all grateful to be able to counterattack their hangover with a hot meal.

Jaemin cursed under his breath, he had not realized his phone was silenced and now his cellphone had five missed calls, all from the same number.

He never bothered to save it on his phone since he had always known it, you saved numbers you don’t make an attempt to remember, but in Jaemin’s case he had seen and taught this one specific number so many times it now felt silly to even have it saved on his phone.

He called back and didn’t get an answer and that just spiked his anxiety.

He was first surprised with the number, Jaemin didn’t remember actually ever receiving a call from it, it was always him calling, so of course he presumed the worst.

The soup wasn’t ready, he wanted to make something that would soothe Renjun since he figured the boy would wake up crankier than usual today, he could hear the boys laughing until late at night yesterday. Renjun wasn’t a morning person at all, but he was specially not a morning person after a sleepless night.

He had no choice, so he decided to turn off the stove and head out, even if it meant having to drive back to Pohang for a few hours just to get back to Seoul in the afternoon. He called Renjun when he was in the car, to inform him about the soup, and didn’t appreciate the worried tone the elder had on his voice, mostly because it mirrored how he was feeling.

That was unacceptable and he wouldn’t let Renjun hear it, after all, Jaemin always had it under control.

And he did.

For all the times Renjun babysat and all the messes he had to clean because of this adorable two-year-old, he thought he had seen it all; he was there when Jaehwan decided to pee all over the carpet, when he got ahold of one of the man’s markers and scribbled on the wall, when he decided to dump all his food on the ground because, you know, _why not?_

Jaehwan also had a sixth sense with his timing, he would try and be the messiest right when Renjun had had a stressful day, when he had fought with his parents or the end of the month was coming up and he was worrying about paying his bills. There were times that this would drain him, he would want to cry right along the toddler and not clean anything up, but there were also times in which that would put a halt to all the negative thoughts in his head, the idea of caring for the toddler being first and foremost.

Even so, with all those previous happenings, he never encountered a scene like this.

He could hear the laughter even before he stepped into the place, when he was still taking his shoes off on the hallway.

He was still tense from the morning, Jaemin hadn’t called him back and wasn’t answering whenever he tried to contact him. It took a call to Jaeun to know that Jaemin was in fact at her house with her kid already, he felt a little bothered that his friend did not even feel like notifying him that he was in fact okay.

For a little while, Renjun even thought this was the beginning of another six-month disappearance for the pink-haired boy and was already thinking of what to tell his sister, how to explain why he didn’t stop him.

As soon as he got to Jaeun’s place and opened the door with his spare key he was livid, the living room was all out of place, the furniture was pushed out of the way, there were picture frames on the couch and pillows on the floor.

If there weren’t laughter and screaming going on, he would’ve thought something serious had happened.

Right in the middle of the living room there were chairs, four of them making a square, a big enough quilt on top of them to create a roof. That had to be uncomfortable; it was hot, and they were inside of a heat cocoon.

He heard the _shhs_ , Jaemin telling Jaehwan to be quiet and Jaehwan yelling in response. The little boy did not know what quiet was yet, he was too excited with his uncle.

Renjun left his bag on the couch and walked over to their little fort, he was unsure if he was relieved or annoyed, but the whole atmosphere was playful. “Guys? Where are you?” He played along, Jaehwan was still giggling loudly. “Did they leave?”

He got closer to them and lifted one of the ends of the cover, to find a sweaty and smiley Jaemin, with his hand around the toddler’s mouth to keep him quiet, and a screeching Jaehwan that once he saw Renjun got out of his uncle’s arms and came to him in full force.

A bit too forceful even, he came so quickly that Renjun couldn’t even stop him and the toddler collided with the man. It hurt on Renjun, so of course it must have hurt on Jaehwan.

It wasn’t really a surprise when Jaehwan started to cry.

The elder wasn’t really feeling his best today, he had a terrible headache – possibly from a hangover Renjun refused to believe he had. If he acknowledged its existence, it would become unbearable and he had to take care of Jaehwan right now.

Jaemin glared at Renjun, who was now cooing at the child, embracing him, the older stuck his tongue out.

“Jaehwanie, you can’t come at people like this” He was trying his best to scold him, but Renjun’s voice was so sweet and tired that it didn’t really get through him. Renjun was always the sweetest when it came to the child. “You’ll hurt others and hurt yourself too”

He got up and took the kid with him, Jaehwan had the habit of cozying up and putting his head on Renjun’s shoulder when he was sad and that made Renjun’s heart melt, he could and would do anything for that little boy.

He grabbed a bottle of water in the kitchen and filled one of the toddler’s cup, he sat Jaehwan on the counter and gave it to him. The kid was hiccupping but drank the water anyway.

Fortunately, the mess was contained to the living room, Renjun noticed. The kitchen was sparkling, Jaemin must have cleaned it before.

“Slowly” Renjun warned. “This one doesn’t have a lid”

They were trying to get the little boy to only use cups, Jaeun saw a documentary about what baby bottles and pacifiers could do to the child and ever since she decided Jaehwan wouldn’t use any of those anymore.

Renjun wondered if she would have the same resolution when there was a week-old child crying in the middle of the night. Probably not, but that was a problem for future Jaeun.

“I should’ve stopped him” Jaemin said after a while, showing up in the kitchen too, in all of his sweaty glory. “My bad”

Renjun looked at him and shook his head. “It wasn’t, kids do stuff like this” Jaehwan was now drinking his water without even taking breaks to breathe “What did you guys do?”

Jaemin was about to answer when he realized Renjun wasn’t asking him, but the toddler in front of him. He felt silly.

“Housh” The kid answered, it was a good way to get Jaehwan to stop and breathe a little.

“You guys built a house?” Renjun asked using that fake excited face he always had with Jaehwan, Jaemin found endearing how that would always light the kid’s face.

Renjun wasn’t one to show big and strong emotions – other than anger, from everything Jaeun and Jeno said about him punching and keying cars. So whenever he would look at the toddler and give him a big reaction it made Jaehwan excited as well, and Jaemin could understand his nephew; if Renjun would direct at him those excited eyes he would also try his best to keep him that way.

“Can you show me?” The man asked and the kid nodded, almost spilling his water. “Ok, then drink your water and you’ll show me.”

Renjun brushed the kid’s bangs out of his sweaty face, blowing air to make him less hot.

“Did you manage to talk to Jeno?”

Renjun hadn’t seen Jaemin ever since their last dinner, he had the boys for a get-together and didn’t get to see Jaemin at all yesterday, which was weird in a way, he was getting used to seeing the boy every day.

He also didn’t feel like talking about this morning.

“Yeah” Jaemin remembered “Also saw Mark, it went well”

“I’m glad” Renjun confided “When Jeno didn’t show up for the meeting I thought you would be dead in a ditch”

With that first punch, Jaemin thought so too.

“Oh” He laughed “I didn’t leave unscathed; he gave me this”

Jaemin lifted his shirt, showing the red and almost purple circle next to his ribs. Something caught Renjun’s eyes before he could actually see the bruise, a black spot on his skin, peaking through Jaemin’s pants – that were hanging low from rough playing with Jaehwan -, his fifth tattoo. He had a tattoo on his groin.

Renjun’s mind went into overdrive. He hated here.

He tried his best to look up and once he did, he gasped at the scene too, not only Jaemin had defined abs, but his stomach looked like someone had just kicked him senseless. He wasn’t sure where or what to focus on.

“Are you _sure_ you don’t have a broken rib?”

He didn’t really know what type of friendship Jeno and Jaemin had, and maybe it was the huge soft spot he already had for Jaemin talking, but he felt as if that was too much. He would surely scold Jeno later.

There was something about the Na family, Renjun considered, they were his weak point. Every single one of them knew exactly how to get on the boy’s good side way too quickly.

“I don’t” He inhaled deeply. “See? My lungs feel fine”

Renjun looked at him, perplexed and annoyed. He was sure he was even more annoyed cause his mind wouldn’t stop thinking about tattoos and body parts he shouldn’t be thinking about.

“You do realize that if you had something you could have pierced your lungs and drowned in your own blood?”

“Oh” The image and Renjun’s disapproval made him uncomfortable “I did not”

A kid. Huang Renjun realized he was standing in the kitchen with two kids, the only difference was that one could be a kid – his age allowed him to -, and the other could already drink and drive cars.

“Did you put ice on that?” Jaehwan had finished drinking his water and was trying to mimic the older saying ice, but it came out as _aish_. Renjun put down the kid and followed him to the messy living room, Jaemin did the same.

“Yeah, I did” He had done that as soon as he got to Jaeun’s place today, he knew the bruise looked worse since he didn’t put ice on it right away.

Renjun hummed, he got down to his knees and let Jaehwan show him the fort they made. It wasn’t really a fort, just a blanket above a few chairs, the kid adored it anyway, Jaemin tried to make it better but Jaehwan wouldn’t let him

When both of them went inside the messy excuse of a fort Jaemin managed to make with a two-year-old, the younger knew there wouldn’t be that much space there for him, so he plopped down, belly to the floor and just stuck his head and shoulders inside.

Jaehwan screamed when he saw his uncle, excited to have both adults there with him, Jaemin was all smiles to his nephew. The tug on Renjun’s heart was stronger now.

He was _so_ annoyed.

It was still hot inside, there were three people breathing the same air and Jaemin made sure to lift the blanket so they could have air circulating. Jaehwan didn’t like that.

“Cool, right?” Jaemin boasted. “I can make you one too back home, if you’d like”

The way Jaemin would sometimes talk about Renjun’s place like it was a home, like he belonged there too, always made him feel weird inside. He knew Jaemin was probably just lumping them together, since they did leave in the same building, they shared a floor and a ceiling, but when he talked like that it was almost like it was theirs.

Renjun wasn’t sure how to feel about it, but he knew his body was warm.

“How could I refuse?” Renjun answered sarcastically, making sure the toddler wouldn’t try to get up and fall on any of the chairs. This whole thing was a safety hazard.

“How were things with your friends yesterday?” Jaemin asked.

Renjun didn’t tell Jaemin he was going to meet with his friends, they decided to do it that morning while he was helping to organize everything with Chenle. He figured Jaemin had heard them and decided not to barge in when the boy didn’t show up to his door by seven pm, like he usually did. Renjun actually wanted him to come in, he wanted to introduce him to his friends, he knew they would like him – Donghyuck already did.

He felt a little sad when he realized Jaemin was not coming, he felt even weirder when he didn’t show up for breakfast the second time in a row.

He had forgotten the thoughts he had before when he saw Jaemin again, he was focused on the bruising the boy had and the dismissal of his worries.

“Were we too loud?” He asked.

Renjun knew how thin the walls were, he also knew how loud they could get – especially Chenle. Maybe they annoyed Jaemin.

Jaemin never thought they were too loud, in fact, he thought it was funny to hear their laughter. He was glad to know Renjun was engaging on normal new-adult’s shenanigans, he knew how bad it could get when you tried to grow up too fast and that was constantly in the back of his mind whenever he looked at the boy, all he could feel was relief and warmth when he managed to pick apart Renjun’s laughter from the rest.

“I thought it was fine” He answered. “I was glad to know you were having fun”

It wasn’t what he said, it was the way he said it. Jaemin had the habit to look into Renjun’s eyes and hold his gaze whenever they were talking, to the point that it would make the elder visualize scenarios that friends shouldn’t. At first, he thought it was harmless, now he could feel his heart ringing in his ears.

“You should have joined us” Renjun admitted “I missed you”

He wasn’t really going to tell him all that, but everything from that exchange was making him doubt his sanity and it wasn’t even that they were on uncharted territory, they were having a normal conversation. But Jaemin was there; beautiful, defined and tattoos on places Renjun should have never known about, it was too much.

Jaemin wasn’t one to get caught off guard, he had been through a lot to understand that life was always throwing curve balls, and because of that he would always have a smile, knowing it was better to have a positive mindset and do your best. Still, he felt the surprise and heat rising when he heard Renjun’s words.

Today, Jaemin was the first to avert his gaze, suddenly realizing how hot he felt. Secretly, he always wondered if he was bothering the older man, they saw each other almost every day and as much as Jaemin liked their arrangement, he also kept thinking Renjun might not have been completely fine with it.

The realization that Renjun wanted to be around Jaemin just as much as he did was like fireworks in the end of the summer, the closure to a perfect moment.

Jaemin didn’t respond to that, he thought that maybe if he did, he would say too much. Fortunately, Jaehwan demanded Renjun’s attention, showing him one of his cars.

“Don’t you have to get going, though?” Renjun asked, not looking at Jaemin.

Renjun came to Jaeun’s place to relieve Jaemin of his duties, they were now in a rotational schedule and would try to not let anyone be overworked, so whenever Jaemin had work Renjun would step up, whenever Renjun had something, Jaemin would help out. It was a team effort and it was a lot easier with three people instead of two.

Right now, Jaemin had to go to one of his tutoring classes. He looked at the clock, he wasn’t late, but he wouldn’t get there early, and he still had to shower.

“Yeah” He got out of the fort, getting up and dusting himself off. Renjun raised the covers so he could look at Jaemin. “Oh, Renjun, do you have anything to do later?”

Renjun didn’t, he usually went home and had dinner. Jaemin knew that, it was a silly question. He decided to entertain his friend anyway.

“No, why?”

“I was wondering if you’d like to have dinner with me”

Jaemin didn’t let it show, but his heart was beating really fast. Renjun still didn’t get it.

“Isn’t that what we always do?”

“No,” Jaemin started. “I mean leave the house, eat somewhere else. With me.”

_Oh._

_Yes. No. I don’t know._

_What was that supposed to mean?_

“Ok” Renjun tried to sound calm, but the way Jaemin said it made it almost sound like a date and the idea of going out with someone, specially Jaemin, his tattoos and those abs were a bit too much for Renjun to handle right now. “Sounds great”

“Cool, I’ll text you when I leave my study, I can pick you up here”

“Sure”

Renjun was worried and Jaemin knew, he should’ve not called him this morning, it was silly in retrospect and the elder had never really seen Jaemin in a hurry before, of course he thought it was weird.

He also realized how hard he was trying to not ask any questions, to not pry too much. At much as Jaemin was glad, he also wanted to tell Renjun he did not have to tiptoe around him, the elder’s straightforwardness was something he admired since their first meeting. It was something he was trying to adopt for himself too, little by little.

Jeno’s words from yesterday were still in Jaemin’s mind.

 _“Buy him a meal, really”_ His best friend had said.

He at first thought it was funny, Jaemin already cooked for Renjun almost every night. Today, when the boy’s face appeared beyond the blanket he got to create Jaehwan a fort, all he could think was how he wanted to take him out to dinner, to not only thank him, but also get to know the boy better, see him in a new environment.

He hadn’t realized it yet, or maybe he did and was in denial, but he was starting to get greedy towards the other boy.

So, he asked him, Renjun had said yes, his heart did a little jump and he was sure that if Jeno didn’t kill him yesterday, his heart would give out today.

Jaemin wasn’t oblivious to those things, he had already realized he found Renjun attractive, he specially found him cute when he would come home and tell him about his day, half angry and half tired, he liked how the boy would try his best to tell Jaemin about his passions and how he would flash his beaming smile, almost childlike, to Jaehwan whenever he saw the toddler.

He also knew Renjun was a pillar to Jaeun and with everything that had been going on, he would be crazy to try anything.

So, he kept to himself, it was nothing but a crush anyway.

Maybe he was just trying to find another reason to stay grounded, maybe it wasn’t like that at all and Jaemin was just nervous about his reasoning to be back slipping away from his grasp.

That didn’t mean he couldn’t be friends with him, he liked the guy enough to perhaps develop a crush, so of course he wanted to get closer. The way Renjun behaved made it seem like he would be along for the ride with them and the new baby, so of course they had to get along.

He didn’t get to concentrate for his tutoring, thankfully today he had fifth grade math to help out with and that he could do without thinking too much about it.

This had to be one of his favorite parts of the day, getting to help out his kids – Jaemin had already decided the little ones who he tutored were all his kids – with the homework, seeing the light in his eyes when it all started to make sense, getting to turn a frown upside down on their faces. It reminded him too much of Pohang and he knew he was selfish for trying to replicate that feeling back in Seoul. It was never about the others and more about himself.

When the study session ended and he was talking to one of the social workers, he received a call from Jeno, the nostalgia hitting up when he read the name on his screen. He didn’t answer it right away, finishing his talk and getting all the orientations for next week’s schedules.

He called him back as soon as he was alone again.

“Hi” Jaemin said “What’s up?”

 _“Oh, today when you didn’t answer, I thought yesterday might have been a fever dream and you weren’t back”_ He could hear the smile in Jeno’s voice. He was never going to let this one go.

Maybe he shouldn’t, honestly. Today he had been really close to going back.

Jaemin was walking down the stairs to get to his car, keys in his hand and backpack heavy with the books he had borrowed from the library, all the books he did not even use today.

“Ha.” He answered “I am very much here, kind sir. And very much real.”

 _“If you say it like that, you’re gonna make my heart flutter”_ Jeno joked.

“Seriously, what’s up?” He was supposed to be calling Renjun right now, to let him know he was free.

 _“Donghyuck is making a fuss about seeing you, he feels left out”_ Jeno tried explaining. _“Wanna come over tonight? We could grill something”_

Jaemin got inside his car, put on his seatbelt but didn’t turn it on. He debated what to say.

“I can’t tonight” He started off with. “I have… other plans”

It went downhill, damn Jaemin and his mouth that would ramble on and give unnecessary information. That was exactly why he felt he shouldn’t talk about his personal life at all, he would get caught up and eventually hurt someone.

 _“What’s with the pause? Is it a date?_ ” Jeno asked the second question quietly, as if he didn’t know if the other people in the room with him could hear it.

“No.”

_“Who are you going to see?”_

“Renjun.”

Jaemin could hear a door opening and closing on the other side of the line, he knew what he was doing, they had done this a million times over the years. Jeno had gone to a private place so he could talk freely.

 _“Dude”_ He started. _“I wasn’t crazy yesterday. You like Renjun.”_

He felt exposed and he did not like that. Jeno was too observant for his – and Jaemin’s - own good.

“I do _not_ ” Jaemin tried to argue.

He knew it was useless, he could say whatever he’d like, he could tell him a lot had changed in the past six months, but that did not change the fact that Lee Jeno knew Jaemin like the back of his own hand. They had been two bodies and one person for far too long, Jeno could smell Jaemin lying from miles away.

_“Are you lying to me because you’re still lying to yourself?”_

Two bodies. One person.

“Maybe” Jaemin admitted.

 _“Fair enough”_ Jeno sighed. _“I’ll come up with an excuse for you. But dude, you do know Renjun is Hyuck’s best friend, right? You remember the hell Mark went through when he first decided to make a move on Hyuck, right? Don’t expect anything less with Renjun. In fact, expect even more, Renjun is at least reasonable, Hyuck is unhinged.”_

He did remember Mark coming home always with something to say about Hyuck back then, about the people he hung out with, how he didn’t like them, about how there was no chance of getting close to him. He cheered him on, but didn’t really care that much, he never even looked closer to notice Renjun back then.

Maybe he should have.

“Yeah, yeah” Jaemin sighed too. “It’s not gonna be like that with us though, it’s not even going to be like that at all”

Because he wouldn’t start anything, Jaemin was planning to keep this strictly friendly.

_“Sure, have fun on your date.”_

“It’s not a date.”

It really wasn’t, but Jaemin wished it could be, it would be easier like that.

He called Renjun, who answered on the second ring, and told him he was free and would be picking him up in fifteen minutes so they could go out.

When Jaeun got home, Renjun was still in a daze about dinners, abs and that fifth tattoo.

He was also starting to wonder if he had really seen something there or it was just his mind playing tricks on him. He got so interested in knowing about tattoo number five that maybe now he was starting to see things, his mind was still tired from the night, it wouldn’t be the first time his imagination got the best of him.

He didn’t even get annoyed with the mess Jaemin left him to clean, Renjun made it a game with Jaehwan and quickly the toddler was helping him to put all his toys away while the older organized the living room again.

He listened to Jaeun talk about her day for a while, he told her about the day he had yesterday, how Mark was doing, and when Jaemin called, he tried his best not to give away how nervous he was.

“Do you mind if I go now?” He asked Jaeun, Jaemin still on the other side of the line.

“Honey, please leave” Jaeun answered. “You don’t even have to ask that”

He kissed her goodbye and went out to wait for him by the street. He was curious about this dinner and thought that maybe if Jaeun saw Jaemin she would invite them all to eat at her place. What were they going to do? Say no? It was easier to wait outside.

He saw Jaemin’s car from the distance, it was black, and you could see inside it, so of course he noticed the pink haired boy from the distance too, vibrant and obnoxious. When Jaemin pulled over, Renjun quickly got inside.

“Hey” Renjun greeted him for the second time that day. “How was work?”

Jaemin went back to the streets, his signature cat-like smile on his face. “It was ok, nothing much” He added the last second. “I’m sorry for not cleaning up the mess, I forgot about it.”

He didn’t even realize what he had done before, it only dawned on him in the middle of his tutoring.

“It’s fine, I made it acompetition with Jaehwan, we actually got the place sparkling pretty fast” Renjun knew he didn’t want this to become a habit. “Don’t do it again, though”

Jaemin laughed at the last addition to the conversation, the silence threat being lost on him.

“I won’t, I promise” He looked “Do you have anywhere you would like to go?”

“You asked me to dinner, and you don’t even know where we’re going?” Renjun found it funny, all the nervousness slipping away, this was just eating out with a friend, like he had done with Donghyuck a thousand times.

It stung a little and he felt silly to even think of other things.

“Honestly, it was all in the spur of the moment” Jaemin admitted “Plus, I would like to take you somewhere you’d like”

As quick as the fire went out, it lit up back again.

“I have just the place, turn left.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UGH. Don't you just love a Huang Renjun who goes back and forth between being annoyed and soft for a Na Jaemin?
> 
> ALSO YEAH I finally have what and where I want Jaemin's 5th tattoo, I'm excited now HAHAHAH  
> Anyways, chapter 7 coming soon, I'll try to update this week still. We're getting more group stuff soon, I'm in love with writing their dynamics.  
> Have a great day everyone!
> 
> Clarie.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual:  
> We now have a [spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4A8yyS6TLlglvsBWyirQd1?si=-uQs6aaZS127QgM5oJaMFw) with the songs that are helping me write, I'll probably keep updating as time goes on.  
> We also have a [pinterest board](https://br.pinterest.com/clariexyz/1-his-tattoos/) and it covers all the characters and construction of their personalities/style etc  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/toojuns)  
> HAPPY MARK DAY EVERYONE!

Renjun knew their neighborhood even if it were to be upside down, he had lived there for most of his college life and liked how family-oriented it was, there wasn’t much to do, there were no clubs or crazy restaurants around, it was just mostly places that had been open for over twenty years and stores that were passed through generations. For Renjun, who had just moved to another country and would sometimes struggle with the language, that place felt like home, people were kind and inviting.

He had a feeling his friend was experiencing a similar type of loneliness and confusion as to him when he first came here, the type where you feel that you don’t belong. He could see it in his eyes, how he would second guess whenever he talked about making plans, the apprehension on his eyes never escaping Renjun’s mind.

That was why he decided to show Jaemin the restaurant he first visited when moving in, the one he would always go to when he had an unbelievably stressful week of finals or when he craved home cooked meals.

He didn’t really understand Jaemin’s situation – the boy had made it clear already that he wasn’t fine talking about it, always dodging Jaeun’s questions –, thus, everything he could offer as a friend was a comfortable place to unwind, to perhaps think about calling it home. Renjun wanted Jaemin to feel safe in this neighborhood, to feel like he belongs there.

They were greeted by one of the servers there – a girl that had to be their age -, when she saw who it was by the door she called out to the owner of the place, the little silhouette coming to greet them right away. Renjun received a slap on the back by the owner the moment she got closer to him, she was smaller than him and had a smile on her face.

When he first came to the restaurant, she took an immediate liking to him, he looked a little bit shy and lost and he reminded her of her late husband when he was younger.

“I thought you were dead in a ditch, boy” She guided him and Jaemin to a table, hand still on Renjun’s back. “You vanished”

“I’m sorry,” Renjun apologized, trying not to think about how his back was stinging from the slap. “I got too caught up with work”

It wasn’t a lie, Renjun had neglected a lot of his personal connections these last few months. Even if he felt bad about it, he did not have the time nor the willpower to give them all the attention they deserved. He guessed that was adult life, you had to make sacrifices and compromises.

The lady looked at him and back to Jaemin.

“Oh” Renjun was quick to notice he was being a bad friend “Mrs. Jang, this is Na Jaemin, he lives next to me.” Jaemin bowed to her “He’s Jaehwan’s uncle”

One afternoon, Renjun had brought Jaehwan to a park nearby where they were, he always knew the kid would love the neighborhood seeing how it was also filled with children his age, and once the older ladies recognized the man they all ran over to gush at the toddler.

“I can see the resemblance” She looked at Jaemin, analyzing him from head to toe, something didn’t seem right with the way she scrunched her nose while looking at him. “Boy, you must have been so handsome before that pink hair”

The thing was, even if Renjun really liked the whole neighborhood, he found a pattern with the older ladies there, they all thought there was no such thing as leaving things unsaid and regards to other people’s feelings, so they were often too forward and sometimes rude. It was something he had to get used to, and now it was something Jaemin also had to get used to.

Renjun thought it was impressive how Jaemin’s smile didn’t even falter, in fact, it got even bigger. Renjun himself knew his eyes were bigger than normal, the shock coming not only from how uncomfortable he was feeling for his friend, but also from how he disagreed with the older lady. Yeah, Jaemin was handsome before, but right now he was glowing.

Jaemin was already used to having older people run their mouths about him, that comment was nothing.

“Thank you” Jaemin knew it was best to take these sorts of comments like compliments, even if they were backhanded ones. Mrs. Jang smiled at him and also gave him a pat on the back.

“How’s the kid?” She asked them both, but it was Renjun who got his cellphone so he could show some pictures of the two-year old.

Mrs. Jang was a softie and seeing pictures of kids was the way to her heart. She sat next to Renjun and talked about her kids when she was younger, told Jaemin to quickly change that hair color of his so Jaehwan wouldn’t be influenced, and shared some of her knowledge. It was only when a man, probably her son, came and told her she was needed in the kitchen that she left.

But first, she told both Renjun and Jaemin that if they ever needed a fresh homecooked meal, they could call her, and she would have it delivered to their door.

“I’m sorry about that” Renjun said quietly, he did want to show this part of town to Jaemin but didn’t know if the boy was liking it very much.

Jaemin was, he didn’t have to worry that much. The thing with Renjun was that he worried a lot and in silence too, the younger was noticing that more and more every day. It was in the way he scratched his head, the way he would always be sighing, the way he would crumple his papers and have his brows furrowed all the time.

The restaurant gave Jaemin a nostalgic vibe, he felt like he was back to Pohang, hearing all the seniors gather around, how every single one of them had a thing to say about how Jaemin was living his life. It was nice to know he could get that feeling somewhere else too.

“It’s fine” He brushed it off. “I liked her”

Renjun smiled at the boy, feeling grateful and happy that Jaemin was the way he was. Unapologetic and sometimes unsure Jaemin, with a smile made for cozy nights like this, and a heart to accommodate anyone who would get closer to him.

The server came and gave them their side dishes first, their conversation stopping there. They thanked her when she finished.

“Why did you want to go out today?” Renjun inquired.

He was happy to be out, he felt as if his life had been on a cycle these days, he never really had the chance to do other stuff. Yesterday with the guys, today with Jaemin, it was a change of pace and he was appreciating it a lot.

“Honestly, it was Jeno’s idea” Jaemin said, while tasting the side dishes they were given. “He told me I should treat you to a meal.”

They didn’t even get to choose what they wanted from the menu, Mrs. Jang said she would give them something delicious and neither of them had the heart to say no to it, just going along to whatever she’d like. With the amount of side dishes they were getting, Renjun knew she was being over the top again.

Earlier that day he had made a mental note to nag Jeno about punching Jaemin, right now he made sure to get rid of that thought.

“Oh” It was everything Renjun could manage to say, he didn’t feel like Jaemin owed him anything, he didn’t want others to feel like Jaemin owed him anything either.

“Also, we haven’t really hung out anywhere other than your place or my sister’s” the boy added. “I wanted to go somewhere else today”

Jaemin wanted to know the twenty-two-year-old Renjun, the boy that wasn’t always running around from place to place feeling like there weren’t enough hours in a day. He would like to know Renjun as a friend.

And thus, he did.

Renjun liked talking to Jaemin, so he told him about the people in the neighborhood, he told him about the lady that lives on the first floor of their building, how she would always ask Renjun to help her do simple work around the house – he gladly helped, she was a senior lady and he was worried she could get hurt doing those tasks -, he told about how she would always give him side dishes and how he was surprised she hadn’t gone to see Jaemin yet, knowing fully well it was a matter of time until Jaemin was also adopted by the lady.

He told him about his major classes so far, how he thought Fine Arts would be a completely different thing than it actually was, how time-consuming and rough it was somedays, and how satisfying it felt to see another piece of his work done.

He talked about his hometown, about how simple it was compared to the grandiosity Seoul had, how he actually grew up learning Korean at school and therefore felt it was easier to adapt to the country. It was still hard, depending on the accent people had and how intolerant it could get, he would still feel out of place sometimes.

That was exactly why he felt the neighborhood he had chosen to live in was so great, everyone there made sure to keep the community stress-free and family-oriented, it was mostly elderly people that were just happy to talk to the younger generation and parents that were too tired to care about anything if it wasn’t their kids crying.

Jaemin took it all in, feeling not only grateful that Renjun would share everything with him and ask so little in return, but also feeling ashamed because of it.

Thus, he decided on something he felt it would come to bite his ass some other time.

“Pohang,” he started saying. “I was in Pohang these past few months”

The food had already arrived, they each had a steaming pot of _galbitang_ and had already eaten most of it, Renjun was just idly nibbling and talking, not minding much until he heard the boy confess. He stopped what he was doing, he didn’t know exactly why, but he felt as if he should give him his full attention.

Jaemin knew he wouldn’t be able to tell him everything yet – he felt as if his sister should get that honor – but he also felt like sharing something with the boy, establishing a connection.

He also really wanted to tell someone, anyone, cause sometimes it was too much and, after that morning, it was eating him alive.

He started from the very beginning, he talked about his father, about how he didn’t even remember his face that much and how almost two years ago he came in contact with Jaemin, the boy having no idea why. He didn’t want to upset Jaeun, she did not like most of that side of the family, so Jaemin kept it to himself.

The man never asked about his mother, Jaemin figured he had already heard the news. The truth was that Jaemin felt lonely, as much as he loved his sister, she had her own life and family now, and he was craving paternal affection – so he took whatever he could get.

He would answer his calls sometimes, his dad wasn’t an easy man to reach, and their conversation would die after a few minutes, there was too much that was left unsaid all those years and neither of them knew how to start things off. Therefore, they buried it all and talked about trivial things, Jaemin told him about school, his father told him about his work.

His dad was a fisherman, he worked in Pohang and would sell his fishes on the local open market, _Jukdo_. They couldn’t get in touch often exactly because of his job and how it required him to spend most of his time at sea, sometimes he would be gone for weeks without any contact.

He knew he had to tell Jaeun but she was so overworked with her new baby, a new business and her husband already wanting another kid, he knew it was too much for her at the time and didn’t want to upset her even more, that stalling coming to bite him in the ass later.

Jaemin also told Renjun that he didn’t really think he would be gone for that long, one day his father had called, he wanted to meet up, sounding distressed and asking Jaemin to stay for a while with him, so Jaemin went, mostly because he was curious about his father’s face, how time had treated him.

Renjun wasn’t sure what had sparked the need to tell him this, he wasn’t sure what to say to the other boy. Jaemin wasn’t looking at him, just fiddling around his bowl of soup, not sure how to continue.

“And how was he?” Renjun’s voice was almost a whisper, he felt like if he talked louder, he might break the spell Jaemin was on and he would close off again.

“That’s the catch” Jaemin smiled at the boy, it wasn’t a happy one. “I never actually got to meet him that night, he never showed up”

The worst thing about realizing he was investing on a relationship with someone that didn’t honor his promises was realizing how shitty his father actually was, he left his mother and kids and now left Jaemin for the second time. His dad left him waiting that night, he didn’t get any calls, he waited until it was dark, and it was too late to go home. He booked a hotel room, sure that the next day he would get his answers.

The next day he did get some answers, he also got a lot of new questions.

“To be completely honest with you, I’m still waiting.” Somehow, Jaemin felt like he should always thrive to be honest with Renjun. “I feel like I haven’t really left that dock even though I’m here with you”

It wasn’t that his dad was missing per se, he knew he was alive and well, he was just an asshole that got scared of facing Jaemin, even though he needed the boy’s help. Even though he was the one who looked for him first, even though the boy was perfectly fine where he was.

Renjun couldn’t really understand that kind of feeling, he never had that type of situation in his life, all he could do was offer Jaemin a smile when he looked up, to show him it was ok and that he had him.

“You didn’t leave because you were waiting.” It wasn’t a question; it was an assumption. It made sense to Renjun, but he was wrong.

Jaemin had been heartbroken before, he would live with it for some time until he could be okay again, it was nothing new. The man was his father, but he had given up on him for such a long time, the boy always had his heart ready for disappointment when it came to him. The feeling came earlier than he expected, and he wasn’t too caught up on it all to make him stay that long.

Next day, when he went to the docks again, he met up with some of his father’s colleagues and was given an address. He didn’t tell Renjun that.

Jaemin smiled back at Renjun, his memories cruel and sweet dancing around in his mind. It was clear to the elder he wasn’t going to get an answer anymore, whatever door Jaemin opened to tell him all of this was now carefully locked away.

“Would you like to leave?” Renjun asked, seeing how Jaemin was mainly just playing around with the rest of his food. “Let’s take a walk”

The night was chilly, Jaemin didn’t really think he would be walking around the neighborhood that late today, if he did, he would have brought a better coat. Renjun was facing the same dilemma, being cold but also wanting to stay by the boy’s side for a little longer.

The streets were mostly empty, it was a quiet night and there were almost no cars passing by, the only sounds they could hear were from their steps and the ruffling from their clothes. Since their neighborhood was mostly residential, people were already tucked inside their homes, watching tv, talking to their loved ones about their day, taking care of the children, the boys could hear from time to time some babies wailing coming from the houses.

It was peaceful, the light poles providing enough shine so they wouldn’t trip, but not a lot, the sidewalk had some cracks and Jaemin was fixated on not falling down, oblivious to Renjun’s thoughts.

Renjun felt overwhelmed, he wanted to start the conversation again but always felt like he would say the wrong thing. Jaemin didn’t mind, he walked along the boy feeling lighter than he ever did for a whole year.

They got to the park, the same one Renjun had taken Jaehwan once, it didn’t have good lighting – some parts of their neighborhood had poor planning -, and Jaemin started to walk ahead, shifting his direction so he could go to the playground, the swings being his target.

“I would appreciate if you didn’t tell these things to Jaeun” Jaemin told Renjun, he was sitting on the swings and the elder decided to join, sitting on the other one.

He knew he was talking about their conversation earlier and Renjun also had known how she felt about their father, he was already not planning on telling her.

Still, not planning to tell her by himself and hearing Jaemin ask him that were two completely different things. It really wasn’t Renjun’s place to meddle in their family affairs, but he also couldn’t help but feel as if he was betraying her trust. Out of their family, Jaeun was still his priority.

He didn’t like the connotation to it, his brows furrowed, and Jaemin noticed.

“I’ll tell her” He explained. “Don’t worry, it’s just that I need time to find out how to tell her and not make her hate me.”

Renjun nodded. That seemed fair.

Or maybe it didn’t, maybe Jaemin should’ve said it long ago, maybe he shouldn’t have told him anything if it meant having to keep a secret from his other friend, there was a lot to unpack there but nothing was meant for him, so Renjun had his hands tied.

There were so many questions left still, but it was not his to ask. Renjun was nothing but a spectator, he didn’t feel like he was allowed to ask anything, he would just be happy with the crumbs his friend was willing to share.

“I won’t tell her” He promised. “But you gotta do it quick, the theories she has about you leaving are insane already”

Renjun didn’t tell Jaemin that he also believed in them for quite some time. He was a detective at heart and Jaemin’s mysterious disappearance and comeback drove him insane at first – when Jeno first started being friends with him and he saw how badly he was taking Jaemin’s absence -, he started to talk about it with Jaeun now that the brother was back, and she fed him all sorts of weird information.

He thought they had to stop when Jaeun was convinced her brother had started a secret family somewhere. Even for the boy, who had once talked about alien abduction, thought that was going too far.

Renjun and Jaeun weren’t as sneaky as they thought they were, whenever Jaemin would say something that could lead to something about his time away they would look at each other funny, they also did not know how to whisper, so Jaemin had more than once heard them talking about his disappearance. He would always make sure to make as much noise as he could coming to the room when they started talking, just to see their wide eyes and shocked faces.

“Yeah” The younger joked “Sorry I wasn’t abducted by aliens”

Renjun felt his insides burn with mortification, of course Jaemin would have heard that. Why couldn’t he just keep his mouth shut?

“Shut up” He retorted, voice coming off as too loud on the empty playground “That was clearly a joke”

Jaemin laughed at his response, he actually didn’t mind them talking, he found it funny.

Whenever he would see Jaeun and Renjun together he felt glad, he was grateful his sister had managed to find herself such a good friend, an extension to their family even. Their friendship, albeit weird in the beginning, was something that seemed natural now.

Renjun was a better younger brother than he could ever be and Jaemin knew it. When Jaeun had a hard time because of the divorce, when she needed a pep talk, when she was second guessing her decisions or was just wanting to talk, Renjun was her first choice.

He felt like the boy was to Jaeun what Jeno was to him, a friendship that could trespass the understanding of others, who would give without asking much for return, that was so in sync and so based on trust not much would be able to shake.

Jaemin couldn’t complain, neither he felt jealous, it made sense to him. They shared blood and he would do whatever he could for his sister, but they were also vastly different, and their personalities tended to clash from time to time – the both of them thinking they knew what was best for each other.

Jaemin couldn’t help but be glad she had someone, and that someone was also in his life.

“I _do_ have something I would like to talk about” Jaemin started, not really knowing how to finish, but understanding he had to mention at some point.

Renjun had started to swing, he got tired of just sitting and decided to confront the cold air head on, if he were to get sick, he would deal with it later. His shirt would flail around whenever he went up and down, his hair was mostly just pushed back from the wind he was creating, and his eyes had a glint of mischief.

Jaemin thought it was mesmerizing how the boy could have a whole adult persona, look so composed while working and taking care of a child, meanwhile still have sudden outbursts of childishness, get whiny and let himself be spoiled. Jaemin did not know how he could do it, but he never wanted him to stop.

After swinging for a while, when he was at the top, he plunged himself forward, landing on his feet, a few steps away from the swings.

“Shoot” Renjun said, dusting off his hands from any dirt he could have gotten from the swings.

Jaemin stared at him, smile creeping on his lips and questioning eyes, Renjun just shrugged.

“The guys asked me to move in with them” He knew Renjun talked with them, it was a matter of time until their conversation got to him.

Renjun knew who the guys were, that’s how Mark would usually talk about Jaemin and Jeno before, that must have been how all three of them talked about each other. When Renjun heard Mark saying for the first time he thought it was such a douchey way to talk about his friends, but once he got to know Jeno he found out that term seemed to fit them like a glove, knowing Jaemin it only reinforced that thought.

“Oh” Renjun didn’t know what to say. “When are you moving?”

This whole night felt silly to him now, all the effort he was making, all the things he wanted to show Jaemin to make sure he felt at home, nothing really mattered because this was only temporary and he had forgotten about it. He had hoped for something else.

Renjun got angry with himself.

“Do you think I should?”

“Why are you asking me?” Renjun couldn’t stop responding his questions with other questions, he did that whenever he didn’t feel like talking about his thoughts. “Doesn’t it make sense?”

Jaemin looked at the boy who was now moving his foot on the sand, drawing something to trample it all a few seconds later, his eyes glued to the ground. He felt too distant, he didn’t like that.

“I guess” Jaemin pondered. “But I wanted to talk to you about it anyway, it affects you too”

“Jaemin, you should do what’s best for you” Renjun did not want him to go away, yet he did not feel like it was his place to say anything “I was fine before and I’ll still be fine later.”

He did not mean to sound so rough – he didn’t even think it was that rough -, but the shock in Jaemin’s eyes and burn on his ears told him a different story. It was written between the lines; he had just disregarded his company.

“I’m sorry” Renjun was quick to say. “I didn’t mean to-”

It wasn’t Jaemin’s fault that Renjun had gotten his hopes high, the younger had never made any promises to him. Renjun could feel his insides squeezing.

“No, it’s fine” The shock was now long gone from the younger’s face, his smile was back and an expression that Renjun couldn’t really understand – it looked like relief. “Don’t worry about it”

Renjun opened his mouth, but the younger was faster.

“It’s just, I don’t know, I like having you around” Jaemin continued, not letting Renjun talk. “But you’re right, we should go.” He got up from the swing, ready to start walking back.

Jaemin had never told Renjun a lie. When he wasn’t ready to say anything he would make it obvious, when Renjun asked him stuff he would answer, he was always transparent, even when Renjun wasn’t.

Jaemin, sweet Jaemin, who got up early to have breakfast with him, even when he didn’t have anything in the morning and could sleep in, who would always welcome Renjun with a smile when he got home, who somehow always knew how to lift his mood up asking him about the stupid shows they watched together or sending him silly videos.

Jaemin never asked for much back as well, he wanted to talk because it would actually affect Renjun and he always wanted to make sure things were okay between them. For the first time since he saw Jaeun on that cursed night, Renjun felt like an asshole.

“I like having you around too” He said, gazing right into Jaemin’s eyes and hoping he would believe him, this kind of confession didn’t come natural for Renjun. “And since we are being honest, I will miss you.”

“Yeah?” Jaemin’s voice was so low it almost sounded like a whisper, Renjun wasn’t sure if he actually heard something or he just imagined.

“But it does seem like a good option for you” Renjun completed. “And I don’t want to be a burden”

Jaemin didn’t feel like moving away, but it did make sense, the rent would be cheaper and as far as he knew, he would probably stay the next couple of months mostly at Jaeun’s house anyway, helping her.

He was so easy to please, all it took was the confirmation he was looking for to get his signature smile back on his face.

If Renjun could understand, if he could only see inside Jaemin’s head, he would know burden wasn’t something Jaemin would describe him as. The elder was a constant topic on his mind; the way he laughed, the way his forehead would wrinkle whenever he was focused, his hands moving when he was painting, the way he licked his lips.

There was so many things Jaemin could describe him as, he was sublime, almost intangible for the younger.

“You’re never a burden, Renjun” It was ridiculous to even have to say it. “Don’t you ever think something like that”

Renjun wanted to discuss more, but the reproach in Jaemin’s voice reminded him of how he would talk to Jaehwan sometimes, it was funny to have the same tone directed towards him now, he cracked a smile that was met with another dazzling one from Jaemin.

They stood on the playground for a second, two grown adults in the middle of the night, looking at each other with so much to convey and so little to reveal.

Renjun shivered, he didn’t know if it was from the intensity of Jaemin’s stare or the cold.

“Come” Jaemin said. “Let’s get you home”

The ride home was pleasant, they didn’t talk much and Renjun showed him a radio station he liked to hear most of the time when he was drawing – he was pleased with how they wouldn’t give many commercial breaks, that way he wouldn’t zone out that often -, the music that was playing was one Renjun knew and he kept mumbling it, low enough for it not to bother Jaemin, but the younger could hear it anyway and he liked it.

They were still on their neighborhood, so it was quick to get home – Renjun cursed himself for choosing a restaurant so near, he didn’t want the night to end just yet. So, when Jaemin parked, the older boy didn’t unbuckle his seatbelt.

Jaemin did unbuckle his but stopped to look at Renjun, a question lost in his eyes.

“I, hm” Renjun stuttered, trying to find the words to transmit what he was feeling “Thank you”

Jaemin nodded. “For what?”

“This whole night, I guess, for the breakfast as well” Renjun sighed “And for trusting me, I’m sorry people suck”

Jaemin laughed at that comment, he didn’t think Renjun would be so straightforward, he had been cautious ever since Jaemin mentioned Pohang.

“You don’t” Maybe it was the cold getting to his head, maybe it was the way the windows were starting to get foggy, maybe it was the moonlight bathing them. “I really like you, Huang Renjun.”

If Renjun was shocked in any way, he didn’t let it show. His big sparkly eyes finally found Jaemin’s, there was so much warmth there, his ears getting red just like his cheeks were from the cold. When he smiled at him, a shy smile, Jaemin could not help but think he was the most beautiful creature he had ever seen.

“I like you too, Na Jaemin” His smile was still there. “And I kinda don’t want you to leave.”

The second part was said in a whisper, like it was a secret, a childish grin spreading on both their faces.

Before Jaemin could say anything, Renjun told him good night, unbuckled his seatbelt, and got out of the car. The elder didn’t look back, he felt as if his heart was being too loud and his head was telling him he should get home as fast as possible.

If he did look back, he would have found a frozen Jaemin, still inside the car, watching him walk towards the stairs.

It took him a while, he counted until ten and started all again, when he saw the lights turn on inside Renjun’s apartment he let out the breath he didn’t know he was holding until now.

“Holy fuck” Jaemin said before getting out of the car himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, has anyone seen Renjun being embarrassed on his radio show when he played Fools and Troye said fuck??? I can't seem to shut up about it. That boy knows the power of that line and what it did to us and I'm not sure what to do with that information.  
> Also Nomin Naughty dance?? The way Jeno bounces his hips???? Hello??? Boy what are you doing who let you, I'm so confused. Someone get Adidas to sponsor them.  
> Anyways, thank you for coming to my TedTalk.  
> Have a great weekend everyone, I'll be back soon.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, there is a display of violence in this chapter, it's nothing major or very graphic but I feel like I should still warn everyone.  
>   
> [spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4A8yyS6TLlglvsBWyirQd1?si=-uQs6aaZS127QgM5oJaMFw)  
> [pinterest board](https://br.pinterest.com/clariexyz/1-his-tattoos/)  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/clariexyz)  
>   
>   
> Good reading!

Renjun’s mother had always worried about her son, he never knew how to ask for help. She felt like maybe that was her fault – her and her husband’s -, for not teaching him properly, for not setting a better example.

Ever since the boy was little, he would see his mother bend her back trying to get everything ready and take care of the boy’s sick grandparents, his dad would come from work exhausted and would still help out, both of them in a silent agreement to help as much as possible, they didn’t have much but they had respect and understanding for each other.

 _You learn to be useful._ His mother had said to him once when he asked if she wasn’t tired. They worked so hard for so little. That day onwards the boy had kept that word on his mind, _useful_. What a powerful mindset to have; he liked to be useful, he felt stronger like that.

It was already too late when his mother realized that maybe he had taken her words too seriously, when he would get nosebleeds from not sleeping and studying too hard, when he took on some more odd jobs to help around the house, when he started sending money home even though his parents said there was no need and they would rather he spent or kept it to himself, he was alone in a new country and that money could be helpful. He was a good kid, she knew that, but she was also terrified of the tolls his parent’s actions took on his mind and body.

And with that, not only he liked feeling needed, he never knew how to express the need for something or someone else, he never knew how to ask for help, cause that would take his useful title away and Renjun couldn’t have that.

Even if he were sick and tired, even if his body weren’t keeping up anymore, he would still power through and by the end of it all he would hear people praising him.

Thus, the first night of the orientation week had just started and Renjun was already stressed out.

He was lucky to have Chenle next to him, the boy had no problem helping and making sure everything was in place. A true breath of fresh air between all the chaos that was ensuing.

The first day was always the hardest on his body, they had to go around checking if every major had their assigned places and that no freshmen was left out, that meant running around through the whole campus.

That night was mainly catered for the majors with no clubs participating yet, it was a moment to let the freshmen get familiar with the people from their own majors, later they would eventually form their bonds from the clubs they would join. Tonight, it was about knowing the people you were stuck with for the next years to come.

That way, neither Jeno nor Jisung were there. Jeno being in charge of the swimming team and Jisung being a part of the Gaming Club – he was trying to get Donghyuck to join but the older was too lazy to appear to the meetings.

Nothing happened too out of the ordinary - he did have to scold some seniors that took it a little too far with the pranks-, fortunately, other than the physical exhaustion, he had managed to survive the first day.

There was just other two left.

He was living on pilot mode and it was freaking Jaemin out. The older got home after the first day and would not even engage on a simple conversation, when he did try to give any answer it was for an entirely different question the younger hadn’t even asked, their breakfast was silent, Jaemin having to remind Renjun to chew, the younger even said he could take Jaehwan out today, relieving Renjun of his duties – he didn’t really trust him right now with his odd behavior.

Renjun could feel his body tense up on the bus ride from his work to the campus. Today was the day the clubs would be gathering, today would start to get heated.

As much as their university would like to inform the parents and new students that college life was nothing but wonderful, the club culture would say otherwise. Sure, everyone inside their groups would be nice to each other, it was the rivalry between clubs that would always kill Renjun inside.

The second night was always the hardest on his mind, too much ego and fights he had to deal with it.

He never really noticed that until he was part of the Student Association. It had been years of administrations favoring one club over the other, so the animosity couldn’t be helped. Orientation week was the time where they could flaunt it all for the other clubs to see, it was less about getting new members and more about irritating their rivals.

It happened like that with the Literature Club and the Media Club – to a point where their stands were on different sides of the campus. It also happened with the Swimming Team and the Soccer Team – Basketball coming out unscathed of this all and that made them Renjun’s favorite. They had once tried to scout Jisung but gave up when they understood he was hopeless with a ball on his hands, he had the height and that was it. They had also tried to scout Chenle after seeing him play but the boy never wanted to take his love for basketball and turn it into a chore.

The thing with the teams were that they all had to be relatively close to each other, since their practicing areas were all near, and that always gave the Student Association chills.

Once he got to the meeting room, he heard their president give out the instructions, he knew where he was supposed to stand this night, he knew he had to have his eyes open all the time and be useful. Out of all the nights, this one was where he was needed the most.

There were walkie-talkies passed around, it was easier to communicate with everyone like that, and he left to make his first round of the night.

Renjun was tired, more tired than he ever been his entire life, but he had also never felt so useful, so he had that going for him.

Jaemin really didn’t want to go to the Orientation Week, he was experiencing first-hand what that was doing to Renjun and he was almost sure his friend had sold his soul to the devil and was now just an empty shell of a person. Jaemin was worried and, most importantly, was freaked out with the way Renjun would easily break things around the house.

It wasn’t that he would slip and fall, dragging something with him; it wasn’t that he would let something go of his hands; it was almost like he did unconsciously but on purpose. It was like watching those informercials for really weird products, he had broken the pot handle for one of Jaemin’s favorite pans, he would try to open the mail and rip it up in a way you couldn’t really tell the exact content, he broke three of his own paintbrushes and Jaemin didn’t see how but he was super intrigued.

If that was the effect Orientation had on seniors, he wanted none of that.

But of course, when Jeno called and asked for backup – Mark wouldn’t be able to join, it was the last week before classes started and he was extra busy going to internship interviews -, Jaemin couldn’t say no. That was his best friend and he was going to lead a bunch of twenty-year-olds for the first time without the help of their former captain. He knew he had to be there for him.

Thus, he went, praying that at least some of the pots would remain after him and Renjun started acting like maniacs.

It was tradition to wear blue for their team gatherings. Jaemin wasn’t a part of the Swimming Team anymore, so he was awkward with how he should dress, he didn’t want to give Jeno or anyone mixed signals. The day he went to their coach and said he wanted out he meant it.

He decided to go with the same colors Renjun had chosen those past two days: all black, black social pants and a black mid sleeve shirt - he thought that might be something to differentiate the seniors from the freshmen. He didn’t want to stand out at all, so he got a cap to hide most of his hair, looking in the mirror he felt a bit ridiculous, but that might have been the nerves from going to face his old classmates.

He got in his car and tried to listen to the radio, driving a lot slower than he actually needed, dreading the inevitable arrival to the campus.

“You are my hero” Jeno sang when he met him in the parking lot, giving him a tight hug “I’m almost on the verge of forgiving you for ditching me for months”

His best friend joked and Jaemin smiled. Of course he would come, that was Jeno and there was nothing Jaemin couldn’t do to have that smile on his face all the time.

It was still a little early, the students were only expected to appear in the afternoon, they had a couple of hours to spare and decided to go check on the stands and the swimming pool – to make sure no other team was planning to play a prank on them.

Even when Jaemin was still on the team, he never participated on their presentations for the orientation day, but he would always hear Mark getting stressed because of it. Now it was Jeno’s turn to get stressed.

Jeno had every right to be stressed, it wasn’t that he always wanted to be captain, it just sort of happened for him. He had already lost Jaemin and would have lost Mark too if he didn’t step up and took some of the responsibilities his friend had.

He never felt like he had the strong presence and influence Mark used to have on the team, he was more of a silent watcher and of course his teammates who knew him would respect him – but he had no idea how the freshmen would perceive him.

Jeno had seen Renjun earlier that day and waved at him, calling his name, the older was so caught up in his own mind that he didn’t even process someone calling for him. Jeno, oblivious to Renjun’s own internal turmoil, took that blow as a sneak peek of what was coming to him that night with the new students.

He had some of his teammates there with him already, but Mark wouldn’t be able to come and that was making him even more nervous, therefore the only person he could think of was Jaemin.

The two of them were soon joined with Jeno’s team members, some that had already seen Jaemin the other day and others that were new to the team and had only heard about the boy, they all seemed a little intimidated, the news about his return and Jeno’s punch going around their group fast.

It became obvious after a while that Jeno and Jaemin were on good terms and everyone seemed to relax. The captain would nag their team members to actually do some work instead of circling around Jaemin to hear about his return and Jaemin would tell everyone that if Jeno ever gave them a hard time they could turn to him and Jaemin would give his friend an even harder time. So far, everything was just fun.

It was already nearing twilight when people started to approach their stand, confused and intrigued with the stand and their decorations – They had waves painted all over, Renjun had helped sketch them out and the team members painted over them.

Jaemin was sitting back, organizing some of the flyers they had printed out to give the freshmen, and would sometimes answer a question or two. He felt like the choice in clothing was helping – people didn’t pay that much attention to him.

He also didn’t realize how ominous his presence was, a tall man sitting at the back wearing all black and a cap hiding his face. Jeno was quick to look at the two girls he was giving information to and noticed how they gave Jaemin some weird glances from time to time.

“Dude” Jeno told him when the girls were gone “Could you please smile? You’re freaking people out”

Jaemin didn’t notice at first, how his face was twisted in a frown while trying to organize the papers – one of their juniors had slipped and now it was all out of order, so in Jaemin’s defense he was just really concentrated.

He broke out his smile. “Sorry”

And there was something about Jaemin’s smile, Jeno had grown used to it but seeing it after a while made him realize why people were so drawn to his friend. When Jaemin smiled it was like a new source of light had just turned on, he was truly lovable, affectionate eyes and a gorgeous set of teeth.

He kept his smile for the rest of their time there, standing up and going from member to member to see if they needed anything. There was an increase of people stopping by to ask questions, specifically aiming to ask them to Jaemin.

“Hyung!” A pale raven-haired boy came to their stand, all dressed in black as well, his smile directed towards Jeno. Jaemin first thought he was familiar and then remembered seeing him on Renjun’s pictures. “Everything alright here?”

He had to be working with the Student Association as well, he had a walkie-talkie on his hands and was scanning the room.

“Oh, you’re back” Jeno smiled at the boy “How was Shanghai?”

Jeno thought Chenle was going to stay at his parent’s place in Shanghai for a while, with the amount of whining Jisung was making whenever they decided to play games together – the youngest was always going on about how bored he was and even Jeno started to ignore him sometimes.

“Same old, I mostly just ate a lot” Chenle got one of the flyers they were handing out, pretending to inspect it but not caring enough to actually read it. “Are you starting soon with your tours?”

Jeno looked at the time on his cellphone. “In about fifteen minutes, yeah”

Chenle looked at the crowd gathering next to the stand and figured they wouldn’t need help getting more people. The truth was that the Swimming Team from their university was pretty famous even outside their campus, notorious for their wins.

“Ok” He put his arm on Jeno’s shoulder, his walkie-talkie was now picking something up. “Has anyone tried anything?”

The Student Association always came to check on both the swimmers and the soccer players, to make sure they knew they were being watched. As much as Jeno knew Chenle was happy to see him, he was also doing his job.

 _“Chenle or Yerim, whoever is closer to the northern gates, I need the keys to the storage”_ It was Renjun’s tired voice, robotic because of the walkie-talkie.

“I’m near the swimming pools” Chenle responded the boy over the walkie-talkie.

 _“I’m closer, I’ll go”_ Another voice responded, a female.

Chenle looked up to Jeno, still waiting for his answer.

“No” He responded “Nothing out of the ordinary”

It was true, ever since Jeno started being captain and the Soccer Team also found themselves a new captain they never really had any altercation – both kept a tight leash on their teammates. The most they had now was some name calling and offensive gestures.

“Ok” Chenle patted his back “I should go then, if anything happens do call me”

“Sure”

“I mean it” Chenle warned him, looking straight into his eyes, warning meant to be taken “Call _me_ , do not call Renjun, he’s super close to snaping at someone”

Jeno chuckled, so that was why Renjun hadn’t answered him earlier. “I promise”

The boy went away, his silhouette becoming tiny the more he walked to talk to the other clubs. When Jeno turned around to look at his friend, he noticed Jaemin’s concerned face.

Jaemin was too easy to read.

“Do you wanna go find Renjun?” He asked and Jaemin snapped from his trance, finally focusing his gaze and looking at Jeno.

“No” He smiled, knowing it was a lie. “I’m sure I’ll see him sometime today, we got to prepare”

Renjun was tired.

He waited for Yerim to open the storage for him alongside some of the Media Club. Of course, they wouldn’t have everything prepared for the night, even if they were given a whole week of preparation and full support from the Student Association. Of course, their props were still inside the storage unit.

The more experience Renjun had with the Student Association, the more he could understand how the last administration was a mess, handling a bunch of young adults was hard. He was way more sympathetic towards them now; any harsh feeling vanishing from his memories.

Ever since he left the room to check on every groups and teams he was bombarded with requests, people who didn’t knew where their stands were, people who forgot their folders, and props that were misplaced. He didn’t understand what they thought he could do about most of their requests, it was their own fault.

The one time he could help was with the Media Club, that had left their props back in the university’s storage unit, they were supposed to take them earlier but didn’t, leaving it to the last minute possible.

Yerim came and opened the room for them, the members thanked the Association and got out of there as fast as they could, not knowing how to handle Renjun’s pissed off face. The girl stayed back to close the unit again and Renjun decided to wait for her, that way they could go back together – it was already getting dark, and he felt it was best not to leave her alone.

She had noticed his tired stance but decided not to say anything, they walked towards the crowd talking about the groups they had already checked and the ones they felt needed some extra attention.

It was starting to get more hectic now, the clubs that came early were already starting their tours, people crowding the sidewalks and streets, groups of wide-eyed and hopeful freshmen being led by enthusiastic seniors. This was the part Renjun liked about the whole three-day disaster; the excitement in the air, the promises and the discoveries being made.

Yerim locked her sight on the soccer team moving with their group and decided to follow them to their training grounds, biding a goodbye to Renjun and telling him she would send a message if she ever needed backup.

The only club he hadn’t checked yet was the basketball, mostly because they were the farthest away from all of them and they hardly made any mistakes, once that was over he could relax a little, maybe pop in to say hi to Jeno and hang out with him for a while, Donghyuck had told him their friend was stressing out about today.

The Basketball Club was Renjun’s favorite for a reason, they were always smiling and willing to help out, there were barely never a problem when it came to them and when there was, they would make sure to solve it cordially.

It was no different this time around, he was greeted with enthusiasm while approaching the group, the members all grateful for Renjun since he also helped with the decoration for their stand – He helped anyone that was brave enough to ask him, the only captains that did were Jeno and Yukhei.

Yukhei was the captain of the basketball team, he was way taller than Renjun could ever be comfortable with and that would make him terrifying if he weren’t always smiling. Once Renjun got into the Student Association and had to meet all the presidents of the other clubs, he immediately hit it off with Yukhei – the two of them being foreigners and getting to talk in their mother tongue was a great way to bond, just like it was with Chenle.

As usual, the team was ready to start their tours and judging from the crowd they managed to gather, they would be getting a lot of people for their try-outs once school started. Renjun decided to tag along since it all seemed fine now, most of his tension slipping away.

It was fun being with the team, most of the members had this happy-go-lucky feeling to them and made all the freshmen feel comfortable and safe. Yukhei was funny to be around, everyone thought so, Renjun only had to reprimand him once for trying to flirt with some of the girls in the group.

When his walkie-talkie started to pick up Yerim’s voice his shoulders became tense again, she sounded frantic asking for other members of the Student Association to gather near the soccer field.

Renjun knew right then that it was a dumb idea to make Yerim go by herself to handle the soccer team, he wasn’t thinking straight and just went along with whatever she said at the time. He should’ve known better. Some other people answered right away through the walkie-talkie, he said goodbye to the team – Yukhei shooting him a concerned look - and bolted towards where the soccer team was.

When Renjun got near the soccer field he realized it shouldn’t be that serious, there wasn’t a huge gathering and he could already spot some of the black-clothed members, he saw Kun’s back – the president of Student Association – and realized they would be okay.

When he stepped closer and could actually hear what they were saying, he saw how red Kun’s neck already was – a clear sign he was doing everything in his power to hold back -, he saw how Chenle and Jiwon were towering over Yerim – their eyes never leaving the soccer players – and how scared she looked – confusion taking over Renjun’s mind, because Yerim was always oozing confidence, how dare anyone take that away from her.

Some of the freshmen were already leaving, partially confused – just like Renjun was – and disappointed.

The feeling bubbling inside Renjun wasn’t a pleasant one, it burned, and he could feel his face getting hotter. He was already tired; he didn’t need any of that.

The whole altercation didn’t feel real, Kun was talking about boundaries and some of the players were arguing about partiality. Renjun, who had just gotten there, was confused, but stood next to Kun, like he knew he should.

The argument got heated and Chenle was starting to get nervous, Kun threatened to shut their tour down and that didn’t sit right with their captain, who promptly grabbed Kun by the collar of his shirt.

Renjun was never one to shy away from violence, sometimes fighting fire with fire was the only solution he could think of. He didn’t like to but felt these days he was starting to get better at it, maybe Jaeun’s husband was the one to blame for it, maybe it was Renjun himself.

He was exhausted and some time this past week he had reached his breaking point, all the frustration crashing at him all at once. With burning hands, throat closed off with repulse, and blurry eyes, he threw the first punch.

Jaemin saw Renjun running, at first it was hard to see and maybe Jaemin was just conjuring a thought, but the Renjun that lived inside Jaemin’s mind didn’t have the dark circles this one had, this was this week’s Renjun – the chaotic mess of a boy.

They were relatively close to each other since the soccer fields were next to the swimming pools. Jaemin volunteered to stay near the doors so that he could guide any latecomers to the tours, Jeno was doing a great job and people seemed to soak in whatever he had to say. Jaemin thought it was adorable how Jeno could go from being this insecure boy to the charismatic man leading a first-prize winning team in a matter of hours.

He didn’t pay much attention to the soccer team until he saw that was where Renjun was heading, people were already starting to disperse when the elder approached the group, some other students wearing black were also there.

He couldn’t hear what was happening, but he knew the club’s reputation, he had seen and participated in some of the arguments – battles for the honors of their teams that now Jaemin saw for what it really was: young men being assholes.

As much as Jaemin had heard from both Jaeun and Jeno how Renjun could get agitated, he had heard from Renjun himself how he confronted Taehwan the night he found out the man was cheating, Jaemin could never really picture those images.

The Renjun he knew was firm, quick-witted, and crude, but he was also caring, respectful and soothing. The sceneries they shared were always comfortable and domestic, he couldn’t take the elder out of that setting he had created for him.

Thus, when he saw Renjun punch a guy on the face, he didn’t really know how to react. The other guy backpedaled, clutching his nose and releasing his hold of Kun’s shirt, it took him just a few seconds to understand what happened and go after Renjun, tackling him down.

Jaemin didn’t know if he acquired higher speed or if everyone was too in shock to do anything, but he managed to find himself near the chaos in the blink of an eye, most people hadn’t moved, too engrossed in the violent display that was unraveling.

A few brave members – both from the association and the soccer team – were trying to tear the two boys apart, frustration on both sides as the two of them tried their best to swing at each other. It was a miracle there were only two people in this whole confrontation, Jaemin could feel hesitation on both sides, animosity growing and soon this could become bigger than it already was.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Jaemin’s voice was deep like thunder, piercing through everyone, the annoyance palpable. He never had to use this tone while back in Seoul, this was the voice he used for control, when he felt he needed to get a point across without being countered. “Stop this now.” He did not have to scream; he just raised his voice enough to be heard.

Maybe it was Renjun who recognized the voice and stopped or maybe it was someone else gasping that made everyone look at whoever was talking, but this was the first time Jaemin was actually glad his presence drew attention, it made everyone stop what they were doing to eye him in shock.

Even with the cap and clothes, it was clear that the new person standing with the group did not belong there, Jaemin had managed to stand close to where Renjun and the guy had fallen, both now looking up at him.

Renjun wasn’t shocked, he just looked annoyed.

“You’re back” Someone said, it was almost a whisper to Jaemin as he wasn’t paying attention to the other voices, his eyes were glued to Renjun and the other man, waiting for them to make a wrong move.

The guy had a bloody nose, probably from the first punch, he didn’t have the time to register anything and Renjun’s fist landed right to his nose without even a pinch of resistance. Renjun didn’t look that well either, his cheek was swollen, and he was clutching his right hand, as soon as Jaemin locked in on that he could guess why that was.

Jaemin squatted next to them. “Are you alright?” He asked quietly, his chin signaling to the elder’s hand. Renjun grunted, trying to dismiss what was right in front of him. He was irritated and shame was starting to creep up on him, having Jaemin there with his firm tone was just another punch in the gut to remind him he screwed up.

Since Jaemin didn’t get a proper response, he didn’t even bother to ask again, his head turning to eye the other guy, whose blood was dripping down his chin. “Holy shit, dude” Jaemin said before he could contain himself, the guy was still looking at him confused and shocked – all traces of his violent outburst now gone.

He had seen him before but didn’t remember his name, it was one of the many people on the business major, the guy was alright, nice even. “Keep your head down, breathe through your mouth” He moved the boy’s chin down gently, to try and keep the blood out of his throat. “Does anyone have a handkerchief, a cloth, anything?” He asked louder, a few people squatting next to him now, both to try and help and to pry on the boy who had just made himself known.

“Here” A girl handed him a yellow handkerchief, he was almost sorry to know that it would probably be ruined after.

“Thank you” He shot her an apologetic look “I’ll buy you a new one, I promise”

The girl was flustered by the intensity of his eyes but managed to mutter a _no problem_. Jaemin gave the guy the handkerchief and instructed him to not pinch his nose too hard.

“What are you doing here?” Renjun was the one to ask, his tone accusatory, almost as if Jaemin was the one caught doing something wrong and not the other way around. There were other people next to him, shooting the elder warning looks – as if they thought Renjun was trying to pick another fight.

Jaemin found it funny. “Helping Jeno out and making sure you don’t kill yourself I guess.”

Renjun didn’t like that, but the comment made his friends relax knowing they were acquaintances. Kun helped Renjun up, a hand on his elbow until the boy shrugged him off, Jaemin also got up and soon everyone else followed.

Kun told them they should go to the infirmary and Jaemin promptly said he could go with them, the president of the Student Association pondered – he didn’t know Jaemin that well – but eventually agreed, having Jaemin go with them would be the best since he was the one who got them to stop the fight. Plus, if Jaemin stayed Kun would not get to talk to the soccer team like he wanted to, since they would be all too curious about the other boy.

Renjun didn’t say anything, but followed when Jaemin touched his arm, the other guy tagging along. As much as Jaemin wanted to talk to Renjun, he figured space was what the boy wanted, so he entertained himself to making sure the soccer player still had his head down and was breathing through his mouth.

At the infirmary, the nurse in charge gave them a disapproving look, turning even more exasperated when he saw who was with them.

“Is this your way of greeting me?” The man had turned his frown into a mischievous smirk, he was talking to Jaemin, but his eyes were on the other two boys. “Hyunsung, sweetie, sit on the stretcher” He signaled to the man.

Hyunsung was the name of the other boy, Jaemin tried his best to memorize it. The nurse put on his gloves, sat on the chair next to the stretcher and took some cotton swabs, trying to unclog the boy’s nose, his movements were fast and precise, as if he had done this a thousand times – Jaemin knew he had.

Jaemin used to get a lot of nosebleeds and muscle strains; whenever he insisted on exerting his body over his limit, he would have to pay a visit to the infirmary. After the swimming pools and the business building, this place was probably the one Jaemin used to hang out most of his time.

While treating his carelessness, he met Seungjo, the male nurse in charge of every single young adult’s health on the campus. He was older – not by much, he must’ve been on his early thirties -, with a smile that would calm anyone down and a knack for nagging Jaemin. Their friendship was a comforting one to the younger, he saw Seungjo as a mentor and he was probably the only one – besides Renjun now – that knew about his father and his internal turmoil.

“I came as soon as I could, hyung” Jaemin answered, putting a hand on his shoulder and squeezing, to which he got an annoyed look from the nurse. “And I brought gifts” He gestured to the two injured boys.

Hyunsung found that funny.

“Don’t you touch me, you ungrateful child” Seungjo spat out, but his tone was friendly, the banter was familiar and welcomed. He rested his hands on his knees, cotton swabs full of dried blood, and looked at Jaemin, analyzing the boy “Did everything go well?”

He didn’t comment on the pink hair, perhaps he was the first one not to, the man was mostly worried about the changes to the younger’s mind, the psychological scars that could have been born from going away. Jaemin felt his mouth dry up.

“Yeah” He smiled, sending the nurse a signal to stop the questions.

Seungjo knew how to read a room, he also knew how to read Jaemin, and understood he would have to grill the boy another time, who would make _sure_ the boy came back some other time, preferably without a mess for him to clean up after.

Renjun never had to go to the infirmary, so it was weird to see Jaemin talk so casually to one of the staff, another piece of his life Renjun knew nothing about.

The nurse took a look at Renjun’s right hand and once he touched to examine it further, the boy inhaled so sharply that there wasn’t much room to ponder, the swelling was also spot on, as much as Renjun was trying to brush it off, the sweat on his forehead gave it away how painful it really was.

“I don’t think your nose is broken, but you would need a x-ray to confirm” Seungjo told Hyunsung, he had managed to feel the bone and didn’t feel any fracture, most of the time it would be palpable, so it was safe to presume only the blood vessels had been damaged. “You on the other hand, might have broken some fingers”

 _The pain was justified then_ , Renjun thought to himself. It also dawned on him that it was his right hand, the one he used to do everything, including paint, teach, unscrew bottles for Jaehwan, cook, unzip his pants, everything.

“Jaeminnie, I can’t leave until the night is over” Seungjo looked at the boy leaning on the wall, he was looking at Renjun’s hand. “Can you take them to the hospital? Do you need my car?”

Jaemin tore his eyes away from Renjun’s hand to look at Seungjo, shaking his head. “I brought mine, don’t worry.”

Luckily, his car was parked close to the infirmary, so they didn’t have to walk in a deathly silence for long. Now that the adrenaline was gone, both Renjun and Hyunsung were covered in remorse, like they were two little kids who got caught doing something bad and were too proud to apologize to each other.

“Hyunsung, right?” Renjun was the first to make an attempt, he was sitting on the passenger seat now. Jaemin had been talking about trivial things, trying to get anyone’s attention, but was being ignored by the other two men in the car. “I’m sorry for your nose, it was out of line”

Hyunsung was in the backseat, he didn’t expect to get an apology this early on, he figured he had started it by shoving Kun and would have to talk first. “It’s fine, really” The boy knew who Renjun was and as much as things got out of hand, he knew Renjun got the worst outcome with his hand, considering his major. “I’m sorry about your hand”

Jaemin didn’t talk after that, he let the other two sort things out, he felt the same peace as when he would get two of his kids to realize their attitude was wrong.

When they got to the hospital, Renjun and Hyunsung had already found something in common: their hatred towards the Media Club president and were discussing it rather enthusiastically. Normally, Jaemin would reprimand the language they were using, but right now he was just glad the boys had made amends.

After the week Renjun had, Jaemin could only figure it must’ve been a stressful one for everyone involved. It wasn’t that Renjun and Hyunsung had something against each other, it was just that planning a whole event and not getting things their way frustrated all parties involved, sometimes people would break, as unhealthy as that was.

At the hospital they had to wait for awhile until they could see the doctor. Their university wasn’t the only one doing the orientation this week, so there were a lot of college students waiting to be examined. Maybe letting young adults run around for three nights with little security wasn’t that good of an idea.

Jaemin jumped from the chair he was sitting when he remembered Jeno, the move was so sudden that it startled Renjun.

“What are you doing?” The elder asked him, the shock had made him move his hand and now he could feel it throbbing, he cursed Jaemin for it.

“I forgot to call Jeno, I’ll be right back”

Jaemin stepped out of the hospital, embracing the cold night to call his friend. There was too much noise inside and he didn’t want to worry Jeno, after the third ring he answered.

 _“I’m really taking away your best friend card”_ The threat was meaningless, Jaemin could hear the amusement on his voice, he could also hear the noise on the other side of the line, Jeno was high on excitement.

“I’m sorry” Jaemin answered. “Things got out of hand very quickly”

 _“It’s fine”_ Jeno sighed, he was talking louder than usual, trying to block some of the noise from his side. _“Chenle came and told me about it, he said you mentioned my name. How’s Renjun?”_

Jaemin didn’t know who Chenle was but figured it might’ve been one of Renjun’s friends.

_“We’re at the hospital, he might have broken some fingers”_

Jeno cackled at that outcome, the things he would give to see Renjun punch someone on the face, the things he would give to see Renjun’s mortified look when finding out he managed to break a finger in the process.

Jaemin wasn’t expecting that reaction and he laughed along, the cold wind sending shivers down his body.

“I don’t know if I can be back, but I’ll talk to Donghyuck and ask him to come help you out” Jaemin told him after they were done laughing at the absurdity of it all, Jaemin even told Jeno how the two inside seemed like best friends now.

Jeno started to protest, saying the worst was over and he didn’t need emotional support, but Jaemin reminded him he would need as much help as he could have by the end of the night, with both the freshmen and reorganizing the stand. If Jaemin couldn’t be there, Donghyuck was the best option to handle it all.

Jaemin completed the call sending Jeno all the good luck in the world, he didn’t even blink and pressed the buttons to call Donghyuck.

This time, there wasn’t even a second ring. _“Who is it?”_ He heard the voice on the phone sing.

Jaemin knew for a fact that Donghyuck knew who it was, they had been talking since Mark and Hyuck were still in Canada and he had his new number saved. He figured that was the payback for not going to meet him the night Donghyuck wanted him to.

“Hi, princess” Jaemin mocked and he heard the boy scoff, his grin getting wider. “I need your help”

 _“I still don’t know who this is, though?”_ Hyuck still feigning ignorance.

Jaemin inhaled deeply, he was starting to get cold. “It’s Jaemin”

 _“What a coincidence, I used to have a friend called Jaemin”_ Donghyuck exclaimed, Jaemin could almost see his wicked smile. _“He died, devastating car accident”_

“Donghyuck” Jaemin was too cold to let this go for too long.

 _“Fine”_ The boy said finally. _“You still owe me dinner; I was willing to go dutch but you’re paying now. What do you want?”_

“I need you to help Jeno out with the orientation tonight.”

Donghyuck had already helped Mark out once, he didn’t feel like doing all that again, specially for someone who wasn’t even his boyfriend and he wouldn’t be able to receive any kind of sexual favors in return. _“No, thank you”_ He denied. _“Why don’t you go?”_

“I went” Jaemin explained. “I had to leave, I’m at the hospital right now. Renjun got into a fight.”

As much as Donghyuck knew Jaemin and Renjun were now neighbors and friends, he never asked about the situation to either of his friends, as soon as the thrill of having Jaemin back was gone he had stopped asking Renjun for updates, Mark was in contact with Jaemin and he never mentioned Renjun, so he figured there wasn’t much to talk about.

The mention of Renjun getting hurt was all Donghyuck cared about.

 _“Is he okay?”_ Donghyuck’s voice was frantic, his protective side showing. _“What happened?”_

If Donghyuck would just do what Jaemin asked, he could go check on Renjun and see if he was alright, but right now he was freezing his ass off on the cold, away from the boy.

“He’s fine” Jaemin hoped. “He got into a discussion with one of the soccer players, Renjun got out with a broken finger and the other guy with a bloody nose”

That seemed to appease Donghyuck a little, the fact that the other person was also injured. _“Which hand was it?”_

“The right one”

 _“Fuck”_ He heard Donghyuck say and he couldn’t relate to the feeling more, when he first saw the expression on Renjun’s face when he realized he had broken a bone on the hand he used to paint, all Jaemin could think was _fuck_.

“Yeah” He sympathized with Donghyuck right now, both of them dreading the outcome for Renjun. “It’s not bent in a weird way, so he’s got that going for him?” Jaemin tried to comfort his friend, the phrase coming out as a question.

 _“You’re ridiculous”_ Donghyuck sneered. _“I’ll go, don’t worry. Keep me updated.”_

“You got it” Jaemin thought it was fair, Renjun was his best friend after all and he must be worried.

 _“And you owe me two dinners”_ That wasn’t as fair, Hyuck was taking care of Jeno and Jaemin was taking care of Renjun, they were switching best friends for a night and that should’ve been enough, but he also didn’t feel like arguing with Donghyuck.

“Fine” Jaemin smiled, giving up. “I gotta go back, to check on him”

 _“Yeah”_ Donghyuck’s voice was sweet now. _“Jaemin?”_

“Yeah?”

 _“Welcome back, I realized I haven’t told you that yet”_ As much as Donghyuck liked to clown, he was truly happy to have his friend back, to see the smile on both Mark and Jeno’s faces, he was a sucker for the trio.

“Thanks, Hyuck” His smile was wider now, Jaemin had also missed his friend a lot. Donghyuck was perhaps the one he thought about the most during those six months away, he used to remember his big brother stories – Donghyuck was the eldest of four siblings – and would try to channel the same energy he had sometimes.

When he got back inside, both Renjun and Hyunsung had already taken their x-rays, proving Seungjo was right – Renjun had two stable fractures on both his pinky and his ring finger, they were lucky it didn’t require full immobilization of his hand, but it would still render him unproductive, Hyunsung’s nose was fine.

The doctor taped both of his fingers together with his middle finger, he told him to come back in three weeks to check the state of the healing, which caused Renjun to plunge back into his bad mood.

Jaemin dropped Hyunsung back to his dorms, he gave him his number just in case he needed anything, and as much as Renjun was arguing that he was fine now that he had taken a pill for his pain and was okay to go back to campus, Jaemin was heading home with him.

They hadn’t been in the car together since that night, they hadn’t talked about that night either. Renjun had thought to himself that there were a lot of ways to like someone and he definitely said he liked Jaemin as a friend, therefore the boy had also thought of Renjun that way.

Or maybe that was what he convinced himself after days of pondering, days of not having the courage to ask or do anything, days of Jaemin acting all the same.

Still, sitting in the car made him not only nervous, but also tired from the week and mad about his hand. There were a lot of emotions going through his mind and heart right now and it didn’t help that the person next to him would only amplify everything.

“I am perfectly capable of going back to campus” Renjun tried another time.

“I know you are” Jaemin replied, not giving in even one bit. “But you also need to rest and I’m sure I can’t stop you from going tomorrow”

“I don’t need to rest, I’m fine” He gestured with his hands and the jolt of pain he felt was so sudden he couldn’t hide the frown on his face, he gasped and Jaemin smiled, he didn’t even need to prove a point; Renjun was doing it for him.

“Renjun, I just want to help” It was true, as much as Renjun had helped him this past month, Jaemin wanted to do the same. He was realizing little by little the elder did not like to share his burdens.

“But I’m fine?” As much as he wanted to sound firm, his answer came out sounding like a question.

“I can’t take you to campus” Jaemin said, sounding apologetic but also firm. “The doctor said you need to not move your hand and you’ll be running around like crazy there”

Renjun didn’t have a counterattack for that, it was mostly true. They had arrived at their building, Jaemin turned off his car, engulfing both of them in the silence.

“How can I help?” He tried one last time.

Renjun looked at his friend, and for the first time that week he could see the concern in his eyes – it had been there all this time, Renjun was too unfocused to notice. He entertained the idea that maybe he was silly and maybe it wouldn’t kill to let someone else take control for one night, to be taken care of.

He sighed, a clear sign of defeat.

“I’m hungry” Renjun hadn’t eaten properly since breakfast, and only because Jaemin forced it down his throat “Can we get McDonalds?”

The smile on Jaemin’s face was dazzling, it felt ridiculous to Renjun that a simple request could get such a reaction from the boy.

“That we can” Jaemin started the car again and signaled to get out of their driveway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone *says something that might slightly annoy Renjun*  
> Renjun, nerf gun in one hand, brass knuckles on the other: So you have chosen death  
>   
>   
> Please don't kill me we will get Renmin soon, very soon I promise.  
> That being said this was perhaps the chapter I had the most fun writing, hope you all enjoyed too! It was longer than usual as well, that's why it took some time to update.  
> Have a great day people, I'll be back soon.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4A8yyS6TLlglvsBWyirQd1?si=-uQs6aaZS127QgM5oJaMFw)  
> [pinterest board](https://br.pinterest.com/clariexyz/1-his-tattoos/)  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/clariexyz)  
>   
>   
> Good reading!

Jisung was thoroughly satisfied with this outcome; he could not keep the smile out of his face as much as he would like to hide it from Renjun. 

He feared going to the administration office alone, explaining why he failed to sign up for his classes on time and pay his late fees. However, now that Renjun had a useless hand and most of his semester consisted of practical lessons, he felt it was wiser to change that for the theoretical classes he had yet to take. 

Therefore, Jisung had someone to go with him and share his shame, even though Renjun had a valid reason to change his classes, and Jisung didn't. 

Renjun would be more pissed off if the younger wasn't so bubbly, his excitement was palpable, and the elder didn't feel like shattering his emotions so early in the day.

Orientation Week had finished without much trouble after the fight. Donghyuck spent the rest of the orientation helping Jeno; Jisung showed up for the third day after discovering what happened to Renjun – he mostly wanted to see Renjun's hand, but contrary to what Renjun wanted for himself, he did not attend the third day. 

Kun had sent him a message telling him to stay home, it was more like a threat, and he didn't feel like defying the president's demands. Jaemin stayed with him, and he never felt so pampered. He didn't know if he should feel flattered or insulted at how little Jaemin let him do around his own home.

At first, he thought maybe letting go for a few days, unwinding, and asking for help when needed would be a good thing. Maybe his broken fingers were a good omen. Later, he found out that he had more time to feel stressed out - overanalyzing things, creating problems -, his anxiety peaking while at home.

For the first time, Jaemin was getting on his nerves. He was okay with the boy trying to help initially, but now Renjun wanted to do stuff around the house, to feel useful again. It did not help with his anxiety that Jaemin would complete his chores so well that there was no space for Renjun's nitpicking, and he wanted to be petty.

The broken fingers did not render him as useless as he thought it would. Luckily, he was still able to give his art classes – he just wouldn't be a hands-on teacher for a few weeks, having to resort to photographs and videos to explain what they had to do. He still managed to shower without assistance – it would take longer to wash his hair, but he didn't mind staying under the hot water. He could pretty much do anything else; it just happened to take more time – to which Jaemin would sweep in and do it instead, making Renjun feel useless.

He managed to bear with the pampering for two whole days before snapping. It was a Sunday afternoon when he begged Jaemin to go out and let him be - they were comfortable enough now for Jaemin to not take it personally; at most, he found Renjun's outburst funny.

Jaemin did leave after he made Renjun pinky promise him that if anything were to happen, he would call immediately. The elder didn't have to think twice before complying with Jaemin's whims; all he wanted was to bathe in the silence of his own house.

Monday morning Renjun saw himself embroiled with Jisung, both of them having to go to the administration office to change their classes. School had already started, but there wasn't much they could do about it at that point.

Renjun managed to get into some of the classes he wanted, mostly because no one in Fine Arts really enjoyed taking the theoretical courses, so they were always pushed until the very last minute. Which was a good thing for Renjun right now; since he needed to find classes that weren't full.

Jisung decided to take one of Renjun's courses with him; he was intrigued by Interdisciplinary Media. The group's youngest was always influenced by the classes his friends were taking, which led him to know a bit of Fine Arts, Psychology, and Graphic Design. 

It would hinder him soon. Jisung would probably have to take an extra semester to complete his actual curriculum. Still, Renjun always thought the boy would find a way to make all those additional courses useful.

Since classes had already started and neither of them felt like barging into a room full of people, they decided to wait until the next period, basking in the morning sun and birds chirping on the campus' garden.

Jisung was trying to tell Renjun about a new game he started playing - knowing entirely well, Renjun was the least interested in videogames in the whole group; perhaps Mark was a close second. Meanwhile, the elder was paying half attention to Jisung, the other part of his brain had locked into a man walking to the building they were near. 

The nurse from that night had appeared on Renjun's mind occasionally. Perhaps for the casual approach or the worried semblance the man had when looking at the pink-haired boy, it was clear they had a close relationship and, as much as Renjun didn't feel he had to pry, he was curious.

There was no reasonable way to bring that night up in a conversation with Jaemin - especially since the boy was trying to talk to Renjun about his anger management issues -, so it was better to let it go.

Renjun tried his best to hear what Jisung had to say; he was always excited when discussing the obscure indie games he managed to find. Sparkly eyes, words coming out of his mouth too fast, and rosy cheeks from the embarrassment he had to face going to the administrative office, Jisung had the type of sincerity it was hard to come by these days.

At last, people started rushing out of their buildings and looking to their next classes; that was the cue they had to part their ways and follow the masses.

Jaemin thought he knew what to expect from his official first day back, he had talked a big game in front of Renjun that morning while having breakfast, but his stomach was tied into a knot while walking towards his friends.

One of the first things Mark did when they were all together again was to create a new group chat for the three of them. Jeno had texted this morning that they would be waiting for him on the northern side of campus.

Mark and Jeno had talked about how stressful it must be for Jaemin to come back; the boy had visible issues he needed to work on, and being on the scrutiny of their whole campus surely didn't help.

Therefore, they decided they would serve as human shields for Jaemin, protecting whatever snarky comment could come his way. It wouldn't be out of character either; the three were always together before, the routine returning to them, with an underlying sense of preservation coming from Mark and Jeno.

Jaemin greeted his boys. Donghyuck had already gone to class - he always made sure to get there early so he could get the best seat -, and that made the original trio walk around campus together for the first time in months.

News traveled fast, and Jaemin could feel the eyes on him. He tried his best to not look affected and would smile back at the people who greeted him, never fully recognizing the faces because he was too nervous.

He was not ashamed of his decisions; he would've done it all again if he had to. He could sympathize with the shock people must feel to see him back and changed; he left a swimmer, golden-brown hair, and clean skin; he came back with pink hair and tattoos visible. Of course, people would think he had a mental breakdown, he wasn't sure he didn't have one. 

Even if he did try to brush it off to Renjun, the boy had sensed his nervousness, which prompted Renjun to talk the entire breakfast about how he had to change his classes now that he had a broken finger. He tried to drown Jaemin's doubts and worries with the elder's troubles, and in a way, it helped. 

When leaving for university, Renjun made Jaemin pinky promise him that he would call him if he needed something, just like the younger had done before. Jaemin didn't feel like there was anything Renjun could help, but he still went along with it since he was cute.

He parted his way with Mark and Jeno when they reached closer to their classrooms. With promises to meet up for lunch, Jaemin went to take his first classes on Social Welfare.

Jaemin did end up texting Renjun later that day, but only to ask him what time he was free so they could go home together. He was done for the day and would like to go as soon as possible, but he had driven Renjun to school, so it was only natural that they would leave together.

Renjun didn't have any work that day, and his class was ending early, so he texted Jaemin he would be out in a minute. 

They met back in the parking lot they had bid their goodbyes that same morning, now the afternoon light shining on them. Jaemin was happy to see the boy; meeting him again was a sign the day was ending, and they would go back to their bubble, a place where Jaemin wasn't being watched all the time.

"How was your day?" Renjun was the first to ask; they were now in the car, and Jaemin was going fast. The elder had realized now that Jaemin liked to speed a lot. 

Jaemin pressed his lips into a thin smile as if he was pondering how to start. "I guess I've had worse days." He joked, Renjun rubbed his arm in silent support. "Nervewrecking anyway."

Renjun could only imagine what if felt like being back and having all this pressure on you on the first day.

"I'm sorry." He said; it wasn't the right way to go through this, but he didn't know what else he could say.

"It's fine," Jaemin reassured; he would get comfortable with the scrutiny sooner or later. It was a matter of time. "Did you get to change your classes?"

Renjun told him he did, in fact, manage to get the classes he intended to, as well as lure Jisung into doing one with him. Jaemin thought that was peculiar, Computer Science was hard as it was, and still, Renjun's friend wanted to go out of his way to sign up for classes he didn't even need.

Jaemin himself had changed majors and was currently stressing out because almost all the classes he had taken the last two years did not transfer to Social Welfare, which meant he needed to stay longer at school. He pondered about dropping out but figured Jaeun would kill him if he did.

His sister had rigorous plans for his future, and those included finishing his degree and getting a stable job; she wouldn't be happy if he suddenly decided to crush her dreams for him. She wasn't very pleased when he decided to ditch everything for a while - even if it was temporary -, so something permanent would most definitely get him out of the family register.

Renjun talked about the new teacher he had today and how much he didn't like him already. The worst part about getting a full semester of theoretical classes was that most of the professors had this idealistic vision of art; any type of innovation was wrong in Fine Arts, which went directly against what they were taught in their practical lessons.

Jaemin listened to him for a while, taking in the soothing feelings Renjun's voice gave him. The boy did not give him many openings to talk, but he didn't mind; Renjun's voice usually helped quiet down the turbulence inside Jaemin's mind.

Their week went smoothly; Donghyuck made a whole scene when he finally saw Jaemin on campus, making sure his friend's face was as pink as his hair - he even tried to sneak a peek under his shirt so he could see his tattoos better. Jaemin promised he would take Hyuck out one of those days, but they didn't set the dates.

Jeno was desperate as soon as the paperwork started coming, last semester he didn't have Jaemin next to him in every class, and he was a procrastinator at its finest. Therefore, this semester he promised himself that he wouldn't let things spiral out of control; most of his free time was spent in the library - he would always find Chenle there, and the two of them would try their best to do their homework.

Mark had a lot of free time now, he had already taken most of his hard classes, and the only one he still had to tackle was his thesis - he wasn't sure what topic he would write about. When he was too stressed out with job hunting, you could easily find him swimming laps in the pool.

Jisung had two classes with his friends, one with Renjun - because he decided he would revel in Fine Arts -, and another one with Donghyuck. The one he had with Hyuck was actually one of the classes both Computer Science and Design had to take. The elder had failed last semester and was retaking, and now Jisung had a friend to accompany him to class every Thursday.

Jaemin found out that he liked the teachers and topics from Social Welfare, and the students were also lovely. Maybe because they were all instructed not to dwell on private affairs when not invited, but he couldn't ask for a smoother transition.

Renjun hadn't seen Jaehwan and Jaeun for days, both Jaemin and his sister demanding that the boy rest. The siblings had all under control, and now that the court was ordering Jaeun's ex-husband to spend some time with his kid, it seemed like everything would be better.

Jaemin was sure now that Renjun didn't like to ask for assistance because of his ego. It was apparent with how his ears would turn red when Jaemin helped him out on a task he was struggling with and how he would look frustrated for not being able to do it alone.

They were now slowly molding into a new routine. As much as Jaemin wanted to help and get things done with, he realized it was important for Renjun to be able to do things alone, even if it was just opening a jar of paint that was sealed too tightly. 

Renjun was also bit by bit learning to give up on his petty outbursts of control, it wasn't easy, but it was a start. Most of the time, he would get frustrated unconsciously; however, when he managed to catch on to why he was feeling that way, Renjun would take a few steps back and reevaluate his stance.

The two of them were now becoming more in sync; they could understand each other better, the gap between them slowly closing as the days go by.

It was a significant development, but also a curse. Whenever Renjun would start to feel comfortable as friends, something would happen. Jaemin would keep his hand on Renjun's for a little longer, they would catch each other staring, or Renjun would just simply remember that night in the car where he blurted whatever because all he could see was Jaemin's lips.

He still didn't get the resolve he wanted, and maybe that was driving him crazy.

The afternoons were now a tricky system that Renjun and Jaemin had not yet discovered how to process. Since they would go to school together, it made sense in Jaemin's head to pick Renjun later, but the elder's schedule didn't match with Jaemin's.

One day, Jaemin had waited for Renjun without telling him, and when he thought the elder was taking too long in his art classes, he went to check, just to find out that Renjun had already left. They kept missing each other, which prompted Jaemin to always ask before about Renjun's plans.

When Friday rolled in, the rain that came with was unexpected. Renjun was in the middle of teaching his kid's class when he heard the pouring outside. He looked out the window to find out his fears were concrete; the water fell down from the sky in a torridly and fast pace.

Renjun liked the rain; he almost always felt the change in scenery was comforting, but he also had a lot of materials he had to bring home, and that day he had decided to not take Jaemin's ride.

Therefore, when the class was over, and the rain hadn't died down, Renjun found himself with two bags full of paintbrushes - all dirty that he would try to salvage - and paint palletes, his backpack with books and a hand that would hurt whenever he tried to put any pressure on it. He had to take a bus like that.

Jaeun had texted him earlier asking if he could drop by Jaehwan's daycare to pick him up; she was at the bank trying to set up a new account, and by its looks, wouldn't be able to get her son on time.

Renjun reassured her he would go, and at the time, he thought he would; Renjun had time until picking up Jaehwan, so the boy felt he could go back to his place, leave his stuff and go pick up the toddler. Right now, with the rain, he wasn't so sure.

He texted Jaemin to see if the boy was still around, and once he did not receive an answer, he decided to power through the storm and get over it. He was tempted to call an Uber, and when the thunders started, that's precisely what he did.

Getting home wasn't the distress Renjun thought it would be, he got wet from running in the rain, but it was still manageable. He went inside his flat, left the bags near his couch, and took a quick shower, trying to clean off the city's dirt. When he was sufficiently warm, he got off and put on his clothes.

The weather was quickly turning colder; judging from this morning, he wouldn't have thought it would. Renjun had been so caught up on his own mind that he even forgot to check the weather forecast this entire week.

He glanced at the clock on his wall - it was there mostly for aesthetics; Renjun used his cellphone to look at the time -, he still had some time until he had to go pick Jaehwan. 

The boy didn't have anything to do back at his place, he didn't want to start on his chores or clean his brushes, so Renjun found himself walking to Jaemin's apartment. 

He didn't knock, only remembering he should when he had already opened the door and stuck his head inside. Jaemin sat on the floor, back resting on his armchair, the noise from the door opening made him move his head to see who was there. 

He was on the phone, and Renjun didn't want to bother; the elder signed to Jaemin that he was leaving, but was met with a request to enter the apartment. He decided to comply; Renjun needed to talk to Jaemin anyways, he wanted to ask for a ride to go get Jaehwan.

Jaemin didn't finish his call, only extended his arm to invite Renjun to get closer. Renjun did not take his hand but sat next to him on the floor, body leaning towards the boy.

The flat was cold, and Jaemin's choice to sit on the floor made no sense to Renjun; he would've teased him about it if the boy wasn't busy with his phone. 

Jaemin smiled at him, to which Renjun replied with a smile of his own. He gestured to ask if everything was okay since the boy looked tired. His friend did not answer; instead, he looked down at Renjun's hand, touching the wet bandages of his fingers and looking back to his face, eyes filled with disapproval.

Renjun shrugged it off, his hand wasn't hurting now, and his bandages were only damp because of the rain - he usually did his best not to let it get in contact with water. Jaemin was about to protest when the other person in line asked him something, and his attention was back to the call.

The rain was now a friend, the sound it made when falling was a comfort in the apartment's safety. Renjun didn't understand the conversation Jaemin was having; all he knew was that his friend's jaw had clenched, and his words were too formal for it to be a regular talk. 

Jaemin talked about dates and documents; he asked the other person's thoughts and was not pleased with the answer he got. Renjun reached for the hand Jaemin had offered him before and traced small drawings on it. 

His mother used to do it when he was little; she would write the character for  _ tranquility _ on his back when Renjun was falling asleep, and now it became a habit to do it to himself. It was the first time he wrote on someone else.

Jaemin had long fingers, and Renjun wanted to draw them; he definitely would as soon as his cast was off. He got lost in thought and didn't even realize that Jaemin had stopped talking; when he lifted his head up, the boy was looking at him, eyes full of curiosity, a smile creeping in.

"What are you doing?" Jaemin mouthed, smile now in full bloom. He still had his other hand holding his phone to his ear, so the call hadn't ended yet.

"Lending you peace," Renjun mouthed back as if it was obvious - as if Jaemin was dumb to not notice.

Jaemin wasn't having a pleasant evening, and Renjun's sudden appearance could be precisely what the boy said: peace. Jaemin thought about how this calmness Renjun was portraying did not help the owner most of the time but decided not to say anything; he could not contain the mocking smile on his face, though.

Renjun slapped his hand when he saw it, and it took all of Jaemin's control not to laugh out loud. Renjun was retracting his hand when Jaemin reached to grab it, and he thought Jaemin would let it go so that he could continue to write, but he just held his hand, resting both of them on his thigh, and circling Renjun's skin with his thumb.

Whatever peace Renjun had just lent, he needed back. Jaemin had the tendency to get on his nerves with this type of action; he would pull off something and never talk about it again. Renjun didn't even hear the rest of the conversation Jaemin was having; his sole focus was on their hands and trying not to let his ears get red.

Renjun wasn't one to shy away from physical affection, Hyuck was his best friend, and he was sure that was his love language; it was just something you'd get used to. Nevertheless, whenever Jaemin touched him, his heart would forget how to beat regularly.

Jaemin didn't acknowledge it, but the hand on his was keeping him grounded. Renjun's hand was warm, and he did not want to let go, even if it meant crossing the line Jaemin himself had created.

Once the call ended, Jaemin let his head fall onto the armchair, a sigh leaving his mouth. He had his eyes closed, fighting a headache that was trying to take place.

"Are you okay?" All the nervousness Renjun was feeling had left him once he realized how destroyed Jaemin sounded. "Was that your dad?"

He blurted out the question before he could filter it, and he cursed himself for it. Something about it made Jaemin chuckle, so at least Renjun could gloat about that.

"No." Jaemin didn't specify what question he was answering, but Renjun also did not force him to. "Can we, just, stay like this for a moment?"

Renjun studied Jaemin's profile, trying to find anything that could lead to something. There wasn't, his face was serene - Renjun did not trust it -, but decided to give in to his wishes.

"Sure."

Donghyuck was good with kids, being the oldest of four siblings, he was always the third parent, the one who kept the others in check. 

Mark and Chenle had the theory Hyuck was exceptionally needy with them because he always had to act like the mature one at home, even while being a kid. Being away from his hometown, apart from his parents and family, he could whine and show all the range of emotions he wanted.

When getting into college, his mother had told him this was the time he would make friends for a lifetime; she told him to enjoy and don't pressure himself; to let go. 

Donghyuck was a thunderstorm in the shape of a person; sharp eyes ready for combat, purple hair meant for the spotlight, and a mouth that is both irresistible and outrageous for the things he says; he was mesmerizing and dangerous. Hyuck also had a heart that was too true for his own good and sometimes would get himself in trouble.

His protective side would especially jump out when it had to do with Renjun. 

Their friendship wasn't gradual; Donghyuck had chosen the boy the first day they saw each other. 

Renjun, still struggling with the language, features softer from still being young and untainted, eyes both scared and defiant – a tempest within his own self. He had Donghyuck's attention since day one.

When they got into an argument about stolen chips, Donghyuck knew this was the person that his mom was talking about; the friend for a lifetime.

And if Donghyuck was a known thunderstorm, Renjun was the disturbance before it.

For Renjun, it _ was _ gradual. Donghyuck had annoyed him first, but after a drunk talk about their majors and love for art, the boy was officially on his good side. It was first bumping into each other every now and then on the dorms, then deciding to get a few classes together, later making sure a drunk Hyuck wouldn't leave the party with the first boy he encountered. Before Renjun could even realize, Donghyuck had taken the first sit to his affection and friendship.

While Donghyuck was used to wearing his heart out on his sleeve, Renjun kept his inside a box, away from all human eyes. 

Donghyuck had seen his friend date; he was there when Renjun drunk-dialed his ex-boyfriend to tell him how better he was without him, he knew all the guys Renjun had slept with - as Renjun also knew his. Even so, this was different. 

Donghyuck had known Renjun for all his college life now, and they didn't keep secrets from each other for long; they usually waited around to let the other articulate the thoughts into words, trying their best not to pressure. So, when Renjun would try to stir away from the topic of Jaemin, Donghyuck knew it would come a time when his friend would tell him why.

It was a rainy Friday afternoon; Donghyuck and Chenle were the firsts to respond to the message Renjun had sent them on their group chat. Renjun was running late, and someone needed to pick Jaehwan from the daycare; Jaeun was still caught up in the bank, so the boys came to the rescue.

Donghyuck didn't mind spending time with the kid, he liked Jaehwan, and he especially liked Jaeun. It was natural for him to take care of babies, and Chenle seemed just as excited to spend time with a toddler. 

They picked up Jaehwan and went to Jaeun's house - she always kept a key under the mat even if Jaemin would nag her for it. The toddler was fussy at first; he didn't recognize the boys, which made him anxious, but soon enough, Donghyuck got on his good side, Chenle quickly following his example.

To their surprise, Jaeun got home first instead of Renjun. She managed to finish all her accounting, and since the rain wasn't subduing, she sent her workers home and closed the store. 

"I might be failing my business." She explained the boys, to which Chenle cackled. 

"You did close it early when there was no need to." Donghyuck agreed, his face mockingly severe. If there was anything she shouldn't be doing, it was closing the shop during working hours. 

Jaeun shrugged it off, it was a one-time thing, and she could bounce back from it. 

She told the boys to stay, and wait for the rain to pass, then they could go out with Renjun once the boy got there.

Jaehwan was playing with Chenle, and Donghyuck was chatting with Jaeun when they heard the door open again, Renjun was here.

"Hi, daddy." Donghyuck sang, to which Jaeun slapped him while laughing loudly.

The boy who appeared in the living room was not Renjun, but a mildly wet Jaemin. He scanned the room and could only guess the weird sexual comment came from Hyuck.

"Oh," Donghyuck didn't mean for that remark to reach Jaemin, but he couldn't lose the joke. "Well, I guess it also fits." He received disgusted sounds from both Jaeun and Chenle.

"Your usage of family roles deeply disturbs me," Chenle told Donghyuck, Jaeun backing him up with a nod. 

"Hi everyone," Jaemin was smiling. "except Hyuck."

Chenle got up to introduce himself, to which Jaemin greeted him back. They had already seen each other from time to time at campus, but this was the first time they talked. 

When Donghyuck was about to comment on how Jaemin should greet him with the same enthusiasm Hyuck had just given him, a wet Renjun also appeared in the living room.

Jaemin and Renjun were a weird combination, but, as Donghyuck was beginning to find out, a constant one. They were neighbors, so it made sense that they would get closer to each other. Still, Donghyuck wasn't ready to find out how many changes he hadn't noticed in his best friend's life.

Renjun still hadn't talked to him about the boy, and Donghyuck was experiencing it for the first time. He wasn't in Seoul for the college break – he had gone with Mark to Canada -, and because of it, he was learning about it all at once. 

The weeks of companionship and mutual respect, of getting to know each other and realizing how well they clicked, the glances exchanged and unsaid words. They were all there. 

Even if he had seen Renjun with guys before, this was different. He didn't know if it was because the other guy was Jaemin, and he was also a friend, but Donghyuck was strangely wary of the whole situation.

"Here it is, the _ real _ daddy!" Donghyuck exclaimed, trying to keep it light and push away his worries; Jaeun slapped him again, and this time it stung. He rubbed his arm, watching his skin turn pink, and glared at the woman.

Jaemin took this as a cue to go to the bathroom and try to dry himself up as quickly as possible.

Renjun rolled his eyes at his best friend. "Problem child," He greeted Donghyuck, entertaining his joke. "My favorite one." He said, kissing Chenle's head, who was now sitting right across Donghyuck.

Chenle gave him a smirk, and Hyuck pretended to be hurt, hand on his chest to add to the drama.

"How dare you," Hyuck told him, gesturing with his finger that he would also like a kiss on the head. Renjun complied. "I _ am _ your favorite kid, you do not have to lie. I'm pretty sure Jaehwan can take it."

"Don't put  _ my _ kid into your mess," Jaeun warned Hyuck, she didn't really mean it, but bickering with the boy was one thing she loved.

"Oh, please," Donghyuck rolled his eyes at the woman. "If Renjun was straight, you two would be married by now." 

Donghyuck received a glare from Renjun, but both Chenle and Jaeun were still laughing at the boy's absurdities.

"I'm sorry, sweetie, you're first husband material," Jaeun told Renjun, quickly turning to Hyuck to taunt him. "You know who would make a great second husband, though?  _ Mark. _ "

That prompted Hyuck to slap her arm back, as a warning.

"Hyuck, she's pregnant." Chenle scolded him. 

"And dangerous too." Hyuck didn't hit her hard; it was mostly playful. "Renjun, quick, turn straight. Your new wife is ridiculous."

Renjun was sitting next to Chenle and Jaehwan on the floor because he was also wet. He was waiting for Jaemin to leave the bathroom so he could try and dry himself as well.

"Oh, of course, let me just find my switch button here" He patted his pockets as if looking for something; when he stopped, he looked at Donghyuck with mischief in his eyes. "You're seriously messed up."

They were all still laughing and being loud, so Renjun did not realize Jaemin had come back to the living room. The man seemed lost in thoughts, and Renjun had a weird feeling in his stomach.

"Jaemin?" Jaeun was the one who called out for him. Jaemin quickly got out of his trance, smiling, whatever that was it was now locked away somewhere inside his head. 

"Sorry," He told everyone, he didn't mean to make anyone worry. "Noona, do you have some spare clothes? I'm soaked."

Jaeun got up with Hyuck's help; she was getting near the stage where the simple act of standing up was becoming a task. The woman still had most of her ex-husband's clothes, he didn't leave the house with many, and she figured he decided to repurchase it all since he never asked for it.

"Yeah, just a second." She went to get the clothes, while Renjun slipped into the bathroom. 

"How's your new course?" Hyuck asked Jaemin, who was still standing awkwardly next to the bathroom. He felt drier now, but it was still uncomfortable to be in damp clothes.

"Fine," Jaemin responded. When Chenle asked what major he had changed to, Jaemin explained he used to be in Business and now was in Social Welfare.

The conversation quickly changed to Chenle's experience with switching majors; since he also went from a Mathematician field to Life Sciences, he was the perfect person in the group to give the boy some advice.

Jaeun came back with a change of clothes for both Jaemin and Renjun, the elder argued that he didn't need it, but Jaeun forced him. Renjun, who mainly did not want to wear anything from the woman's ex-husband, caved in when he realized his socks were too wet for comfort.

Renjun hated how the clothes would look big on him and perfect on Jaemin; the latter thought it was cute.

Jaehwan had claimed his spot on Renjun's lap now; he liked to watch how the man would give him reactions whenever he looked up to see his face. He was still playing with Chenle but would keep a hand clasped tight onto Renjun's shirt, tugging to grab his attention when he wanted to show him something.

Jaemin sat beside Donghyuck, chiming into his conversation with Jaeun from time to time - his attention being mostly on the boys sitting on the floor.

Jisung was the last one to see the group chat and had responded now that he could help out too, it didn't matter anymore, but Jaeun told Renjun that if he wanted to come, he was more than welcomed. Since the raining wasn't subduing anytime soon, they decided to order a pizza and hang out. 

Jaemin invited Jeno and Mark as well, tomorrow would be Saturday, and they didn't have to worry about staying up late - especially since Jaeun would kick them out as soon as she felt like it. Mark replied that he would arrive in a few minutes, and Jaeun made sure to annoy Donghyuck once more about Mark.

As much as Hyuck would tell everyone it wasn't, his weak point would always be Mark.

Jeno took his time to answer, but he said he would bring something for everyone to drink when he did. He didn't feel like it was proper to bring anything alcoholic into a pregnant woman's home, so he decided on sodas.

Jaeun had a few stressful months, and she could use the rest, but seeing Jaemin surrounded by friends meant more than taking a nap to restore her energy ever could. She was okay with losing some of her extra time to sleep if she could provide a comfort zone for Jaemin to be in. 

His sister knew Jaemin felt lonely; by the time he went away, they hadn't had a proper conversation in any of the months prior. If she could create a safe space for him to be in, perhaps he wouldn't feel the need to leave anymore. 

Mark and Jisung arrived together; the youngest had texted Mark to see if he could get a lift. The whole ride there, Jisung talked about the indie game he was into, and Mark was super close to telling him to shut up.

Jisung greeted everyone, introduced himself to Jaemin, and went to sit next to Renjun and Chenle on the floor; he had very few moments to play with Jaehwan, and he would take advantage of the little time he had.

Mark claimed a spot next to Jaeun, which only ensued chaos. 

When the pizza arrived, Donghyuck made sure to grab the boxes and make Mark pay for them - they had ordered quite a few; since they were in a group of seven men, a pregnant lady, and a toddler; the concept of too many pizzas was foreign to them.

Donghyuck put all of the pizzas in the kitchen; he decided to open the boxes and check if they were correctly cut before taking them back to the living room. Jaeun came to help him despite him telling her it was okay.

After a few minutes of inspecting the pizzas and adjusting the poorly cut ones, Donghyuck ran his mouth. "So, when are you going to tell your brother to stop the heart eyes towards my best friend?"

Jaeun let her knife fall on the ground in shock. "Oh my god," Donghyuck had to pick it up for her; she left it in the sink and got another one to finish her job, a smile splattering on her face. "You noticed it too?"

Jaeun was just glad that wasn't something she was creating on her mind; other people saw it as well.

"Do you think someone hasn't noticed?" Donghyuck asked; it was so evident to him that he would sometimes even feel bad for Jaemin.

"Jisung?" Jaeun suggested, and Donghyuck pondered. She had a point. "Do you think Renjun knows?"

Jaeun wasn't that observant if she didn't pick up that Renjun quietly sneaked peeks at Jaemin, but Donghyuck decided to let it slide. He also didn't know what was going on inside his friend's head.

Before he could answer, Jeno entered the kitchen, visibly flushed from running from the rain with two bags full of bottles of soda. He greeted the two, who were now uncomfortably silent as if they were caught discussing something they shouldn't.

"What is going on?" Jeno was suspicious; he put the sodas on the counter, taking them out of the plastic bags. 

"Nothing," Jaeun told him.

"Actually, we were talking about Jaemin and Renjun." Donghyuck liked to gossip, and if there was anyone who could know something, it was Jeno; Jaemin's best friend.

"Oh," Jeno's face didn't falter; he kept the façade as if that was the first time he heard about the two of them in the same sentence, furrowing his brows a little bit too much to pass as simple confusion. "What about it?"

What Jeno didn't put into account was that Donghyuck  _ lived _ with him, and he knew pretty much all of Jeno's tricks by now. 

"What did Jaemin tell you?" Donghyuck grilled him, suspicion growing by the second.

"Nothing," Jeno said, this time it was believable because Jaemin didn't really tell him anything; he found things out because Jaemin was a lousy liar. "I had a hunch."

Donghyuck seemed to believe that. If Renjun hadn't said anything to Donghyuck, maybe Jaemin hadn't told Jeno either. 

"Great," Hyuck said, finally. "Could you tell  _ your _ friend to stay away from  _ my _ friend, then?"

Jaeun scoffed at Hyuck's protectiveness. "Please, Jaemin is harmless." She countered. "He knows he would have to go through me to hurt Renjun, and Jaemin already learned his lesson when he was five."

That was not the route Jeno thought the conversation was going to take at all. "You're his  _ sister _ " He couldn't believe Jaeun was actually taking Renjun's side.

If there was a side to pick, Jaemin was probably on Renjun's too. The only lonely soul on Jaemin's team would be Jeno. Mark would try to be on the boy's side, but Donghyuck wouldn't let him.

"So?" Donghyuck asked. "She knows who the better man is."

Jaeun laughed at that remark; Donghyuck was so crude it was unreal sometimes. "That was not what I meant, and you know it."

"Talking about crushes," Donghyuck grabbed one of the bottles Jeno had just put on the counter. " _ Organic orange juice _ ? That is so cute; he's trying to impress you." The boy told Jaeun, to which she laughed so loud the people in the living room could hear. 

Jeno's face was as red as when he forgot to breathe while swimming.

"I bought that for me," He murmured; he really had bought it for himself. Jeno felt stupid to forget he was going to a pregnant lady's home and that maybe she shouldn't consume carbonated drinks. He knew nothing about pregnancies."But we can share, noona."

"I'm fine," the woman replied, denying the proposal. "But thank you."

Drinks delivered and pizzas entirely cut, they joined the rest of the party back in the living room. The conversation was lively there too, Renjun and Mark teamed up to bully Jisung about his taste in video games - they knew nothing about it and found it funny how the youngest would get rilled up.

Jeno quickly came to Jisung's rescue, since he also played, but was obliterated by Renjun's snarky remarks. Jisung only managed to restore some face when Jaehwan demanded Renjun's attention, which the man gave him.

Chenle didn't try to help Jisung, and his best friend was shocked by this turn of events; he nagged at him until Chenle went on autopilot and just agreed with anything.

Donghyuck told a new and improved version of the day he met Jaemin on campus to Jaeun, he added a lot of moments that did not happen, and it was Jaemin's turn to defend himself. Unlucky for him, Jeno decided to approve of Hyuck's story without even being there, vouching to Jaeun that it did, in fact, happen. 

Renjun was busy with Jaehwan for a while. The kid wanted his full attention and blurted out incomprehensible words, too excited because there were a lot of people in his house, and everyone would laugh at whatever he did. He listened to the other's conversations while trying to feed both himself and the toddler - Jaeun tried to get Jaehwan, but the kid wanted Renjun. 

Donghyuck and Mark were now trying to tell everyone about how they attempted to bake bread to impress Mark's mom back in Canada and created a mess in the kitchen. Their stories diverging from time to time, and them bickering about who was right.

Jaemin could not understand how this group worked, but somehow it was perfect. He felt the warmth and could only be grateful once more that Jaeun had such a great support system.

Renjun was listening, but his eyes would be on Jaehwan to see if he was chewing or on Jaemin to check if he was okay. In one of the times he glanced up to check, Jaemin caught him and gave him a small smile. 

Renjun smiled back, knowing whatever Jaemin had on his mind, he would soon tell him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, I think it's safe to say I'm choosing Thursdays to upload a new chapter from now on.  
> I hope everyone enjoyed this chapter, I kinda suffered a bit with the hand holding scene, I wasn't sure what to put and when to stop, but it came out okay? Hopefully lmao  
> I wanted to get this chapter out on Jaemin's birthday but shit happens and they decided to hold hands, I guess. The way I'm more comfortable writing full on rated scenes and hand holding is what breaks me, I guess there's no turning back.  
> Have a great weekend, everyone! Love you all ❤❤❤❤❤


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Somewhere in the world it might still be Thursday and I'll hold onto that.  
> Anyways,  
> [spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4A8yyS6TLlglvsBWyirQd1?si=-uQs6aaZS127QgM5oJaMFw)  
> [pinterest board](https://br.pinterest.com/clariexyz/1-his-tattoos/)  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/clariexyz)  
>   
> Oh, if anyone wants to know, the song that inspired this chapter was "shut up" by Greyson Chance, it's a cute song and it fits the last part of this chapter extremely well (: ok I'll stop now  
> Good reading!

Renjun knew sooner or later, Donghyuck would corner him into talking about Jaemin; Hyuck had been patient enough and decided that it was becoming ridiculous how they would dance around the topic.

The boy had convinced himself that it would be better to tell his best friend about Jaemin when he was back from Canada, that was why he decided not to say anything first. When Donghyuck came back to Korea, it somehow felt foolish to rationalize what Renjun himself didn't think was rational, so he kept quiet again. Two months had gone by, and he was still unsure how to start the conversation.

Was there anything to talk about when all the turmoil was inside his head? Should he share those too? 

Donghyuck had given all the space Renjun could ask for, and by now, he was concerned. If Renjun did not want to tell him, it was because there was something wrong.

Renjun knew he was going to have to talk to Donghyuck; he knew his friend had a lot to say about the topic. It was apparent with the way Hyuck would analyze their interactions, how he would chime in their conversations, disturbing any moment he could between the two.

He did not think Hyuck would bring up this subject in the middle of a conversation with Jisung and Chenle, but here they were.

It was a Thursday afternoon; Jisung and Hyuck had just left the class they had together and met with Renjun and Chenle for lunch in the cafeteria. 

The weather was finally gracing them with rays of sunlight after a few rainy days. You could feel it in the air how everyone was excited to go out to the gardens again and not worry about being wet. 

Renjun liked the rain; he was a strong advocate for it; he liked the sound, how it would postpone most of his programs for those days, and most of all: he loved not feeling guilty about doing anything. 

The rain was his secret sanctuary; he didn't stress about being late for something; he could indulge in his hobbies without worry, could sleep-in; those were the days he loved the most.

After almost a whole week of rain, Renjun felt revigorated.

Jaemin would indulge alongside him; they spent the weekend watching sappy reruns of dramas - the younger would tease him for being invested in the ridiculous plots-, they would find easy recipes on the internet to try or talk about their lives. 

Jaemin wasn't keen on the rain; he did not like how the air would get moist, how the world seemed to not function correctly. There would always be the looming threat of acid rain, and it would make him stressed. 

Nonetheless, the smile he would see on Renjun's face when the boy saw it was still pouring outside would make up for everything else.

It was the first day back with the sun and no signs of clouds, but Renjun didn't feel bad about it. The break he had was what he needed. 

The sky was now clear, but Donghyuck's mind was not. His head was clouded by judgment and worry, he had taken upon himself to make sure Renjun was safe; the elder did not have any sense of self-preservation, and that would mostly lead him towards a path of mistakes and confusion he could have avoided.

Most of the time, Donghyuck knew he could let Renjun be, his whims were frequently from the good of his heart, but from time to time, Renjun would obsess about something new, his sense of justice or infatuation getting the best of him and making him choose to self-destruct. 

That happened with Jaeun, the Student Association, the fight on Orientation Week, and now Donghyuck was worried his new obsession would be Jaemin.

Donghyuck liked Jaemin; he was a dear friend, the one who would usually ask twice to check if he was indeed okay, who would try the new weird thing on the menu with him, who would feel too much, who would take any offense to his friends as his own. 

And Jaemin had his inner demons; Donghyuck couldn't understand his disappearance as well as he wouldn't fathom his comeback. He respected his decisions; if Jaemin wanted to leave, it was within his rights to do so. 

Jaemin didn't take into account how his absence took a toll on the people around him, and Donghyuck had a front-row seat to the destruction. Jeno almost failed his classes and took upon smoking, even knowing that would obstruct his swimming performance. Mark had become fidgety, anxious about the situations he had created inside his mind. Jaeun, when she decided to emerge from the catatonic state, had tried convincing every single police station that her brother was missing and could be in danger. 

All the evidence they could obtain lead to Jaemin deciding to leave by himself and the police couldn't do anything if a grown man cut ties with everyone and left. They had their hands tied, and all they could do was wait.

However, Jaemin came back, and Donghyuck was happy with his friend; he was relieved to see Mark's changes when his boyfriend heard his friend's voice again. For the first time in eight months, he went to sleep, and when he woke up, Mark was still next to him, in deep slumber, catching up with all the sleep hours his insomnia had taken from him.

He had no say with Mark and Jeno's friendships, Jaemin came first, Donghyuck was the fourth addition to the group, and therefore he knew whatever they decided to do was beyond him. Renjun was different; Renjun was his  _ first _ , in the most genuine and affectionate way anyone could be; he was his friend, the one Donghyuck considered as a brother, whom he had the utmost respect towards. 

And Renjun was good and frustrating and complicated and lovable, in all the ways only Renjun could be. He would see something wrong and try to fix it, without taking his own protection into account; he was a helper, and, as much as Renjun himself wouldn't like to see it, that wasn't reliable. Donghyuck was his brakes, the one who would keep his feet on the ground. 

When Jaemin resurfaced, he reclaimed his spot in the group, and within his family, only now there was an addition, one that could cause complications. Renjun was strong-willed and short-tempered, Jaemin was composed and understanding. Everywhere Donghyuck thought they would diverge, the two would actually agree - a pairing that was ludicrous and suiting. 

Donghyuck had responsibilities of his own; he came back and didn't properly talk to his friend until later; he wasn't there when the feelings developed; otherwise, he could have helped avoid it. 

Jaemin was easy to read; even when he wasn't upfront about his thoughts and emotions, his body language would betray him. He was intense, as the crash of waves near the shore, confused and ready to take you within, pulling back quietly only to strike again. 

Renjun had no idea what he was getting himself into - Donghyuck didn't have a grasp of it as well; all he could do was warn and be hopeful his friend would listen to him.

He wasn't worried about the group's dynamics per se; they would eventually figure things out like they always did. It was a natural transition to add Mark and Jeno into their group's outings; it would be the same with Jaemin. What Donghyuck was worried about was Renjun and his inability to ignore; he had to make sure his friend was protected. And if Donghyuck had to confront the heavens to keep Renjun's heart intact, he would. 

Consequently, he felt this conversation was long belated, and maybe it was too late, but he had to try. This was not the right time or place, but it did not matter to Donghyuck; he was, ironically, too concerned to care. 

"What's going on with you and Jaemin?" 

The question was filled with an animosity Donghyuck didn't intend to show, the tone appeared as soon as he opened his mouth.

They were sitting in one of the tables on the campus' garden; the cafeteria was too crowded for comfort, and that way, they could talk freely without having to shout. Chenle and Jisung clearly did not expect the topic of conversation; Renjun didn't bat an eye, he had it coming, and Donghyuck appreciated.

"What do you mean?" Renjun didn't look his best friend in the eye, suddenly too busy with his chicken sandwich. His voice was neutral, maybe because he didn't want to expose himself or because he knew he had to keep his composure if Donghyuck was going to lose his. 

"You know what I mean," Donghyuck retorted. "and I don't like it."

There were a lot of instances Donghyuck could have taken; his own wasn't one of them. His words came out petty; what he wanted to convey was lost in the myriad of his own feelings.

"Good thing that is not of your business, then." Renjun said lightly as if it was a joke, his lips turning upwards in a playful smile.

Banter came naturally to them; they were close enough, knew each other well enough to understand how to get under their skin. This was the best way to destabilize Hyuck, to make him outraged with Renjun, instead of the topic itself. 

"You are-" Donghyuck caught himself early this time, realizing the game Renjun was playing. He took a deep breath, looking at his friend in the eye, voice soft and caring. "It isn't, but I am worried."

And if Renjun knew how to throw Donghyuck off, Donghyuck knew just as well what to do with Renjun. His friend wasn't used to being open and honest about his feelings, and there was no better way to make him uncomfortable than to do exactly that.

The revelation disarmed Renjun. This was his best friend, his support group, the closest thing he had to family in Korea. Donghyuck would take him to spend the holidays with his family, Jisung would always be the first to call him on his birthday - as soon as the clock struck midnight -, Chenle was the one who took his side and scolded him when he needed it. 

Whatever judgment they could portray would be given in soft blows, throughout the days, weeks, and months. And if they had anything to say, it was because they cared. 

"I don't know." He didn't know most things anyway, one more, one less, what did it really matter by now. The statement was so real that Donghyuck was taken aback; his friend wasn't one to admit his lapses.

"I can't tell you what to do," Donghyuck said. "but I would like to tell you to be careful."

That didn't sit well with Renjun.

"But there's nothing to be careful about?" He was defensive; he always got defensive when someone questioned his decisions.

Donghyuck was ready to challenge that idea, but Jisung, and his skilled way to die down any heated argument, was faster.

"What about Jaemin?" He asked, and his voice was so innocent, so confused, that it reminded Donghyuck of Jaeun telling him Jisung was clueless.

Even Chenle laughed at that, and they left the topic as it was - unfinished.

This wasn't over.

Jaemin was ready to get nagged as soon as he stepped into the infirmary two weeks after the whole debacle with Renjun's fight. He was two weeks late, and he knew he was going to hear about it.

The infirmary didn't change from eight months ago; there were still the ugly curtains that needed to be changed, the squeaky chairs, the pungent odor of cleaning materials, and first-aid antiseptic. Everything was so familiar that Jaemin had to take a step back and remember his journey had now changed.

Seungjo was opening a few cardboard boxes when Jaemin stepped into the room; the older man looked at him but didn't acknowledge his presence, too busy and petty to give the younger the satisfaction he wanted.

"Are you mad?" Jaemin asked, getting one of the chairs and pulling to sit next to Seungjo.

The elder had a pocketknife on his hand, which he was using to open the boxes. He shrugged, "Why would I be mad? Did you do something?" His voice was overly sweet.

And Jaemin knew then that he wasn't mad, Seungjo had better things to do – but he was vindictive and liked annoying the younger, so of course, this wasn't over.

"I came back." Jaemin poked his side.

"Oh my god, stop." He pointed the sharp object towards Jaemin; the younger wanted to joke about a nurse who threatened to hurt others but opted to stay quiet.

Something about Seungjo transported him to his older self, a Jaemin who loved to provoke others, who wasn't as severe or responsible. He missed that part of him, and for some time, he wasn't sure it still existed.

He extended some greetings with Seungjo; he talked about transferring majors, his new place, heard about his old teammates and their adventures in the infirmary, and how the elder had been doing. Jaemin hadn't come for the small talk, and Seungjo was giving him time to gather his courage and speak.

"Can I ask you something?" Seungjo finally said it; Jaemin's heart was thumping out of his chest, so loud he could hear it in his ears.

"Yeah." The answer came almost like a question, but Seungjo let it slide.

"Why pink?" Jaemin was not expecting that question but figured it was right up Seungjo's alley to focus on something others found irrelevant. He used to do that so people would relax while talking to him.

"Why not? Don't I look cute?" Jaemin asked, smiling, his voice in full baby mode, and Seungjo laughed, cutting through one of the boxes with a little more eagerness than before. 

Jaemin's smile was gone from the shock.

"It doesn't really suit you."

"I kid you not-" Jaemin was even more shocked now; all he heard was compliments ever since changing his hair. "You are the first person to say that to me."

"I'm the only one that matters." Seungjo corrected him. "Because I will tell you the truth."

Jaemin did not care that much; he decided on the pink so abruptly that he was just grateful he didn't come out looking like a clown.

"Well, I like it."

"Let's thank the heavens for that," The nurse replied. "You're the one having to live with it."

Seungjo was relaxed and comfortable; that was why Jaemin found himself telling the nurse about his life the first time, this was still the reason he wanted to tell him everything again. 

The younger reached inside his messenger bag and got his little notebook, which he used to scribble his thoughts and worries. He wasn't looking for a passage, just a document. 

When he found the mess of folded papers, he opened it up and passed it to the man next to him. Seungjo grabbed the paper with curiosity, clearly not thinking much about it. 

As soon as he saw the title, his eyes grew in size, mouth hanging open. There was a moment of silence, the man clearly skimping through the lines so he could see if it was a joke.

"Jaemin, what the fuck?"

And out of all the people he knew he had to tell, Jaemin was glad he could first see Seungjo's face. He could measure how to go from there. 

He had a big month coming on.

"I might need your help."

If anyone thought Donghyuck was going to let the topic go easily, they clearly did not know him. He had stated his shallow thoughts, but there was so much more to talk about, he didn't even get to hear what Renjun had to say.

Donghyuck tried more than once, to a point where Renjun started to create excuses not to meet up with him alone. He was out of options, so the next time he cornered Renjun, it was in the boy's house. 

Hyuck showed up without notice in the afternoon. Jaemin wasn't there by pure luck; he changed his shift in the library to help a coworker. If he were, Renjun knew he wouldn't hear the rest of it.

He let Donghyuck in; it would be impolite not to, as much as he wanted to slam the door in his face. Renjun was making coffee in the kitchen when his friend decided to speak on the situation again.

"You've been avoiding me." Donghyuck was leaning against the counter, a few steps from where Renjun was. 

Renjun scoffed, "Well, you've been a pain in the ass the past few days."

He filled two mugs with hot coffee and handed one to Donghyuck. 

"I'm sorry," It was true, he was overly protective, he knew that. This behavior wasn't new; they switched places, and sooner or later, Renjun would see the irony in this situation.

When Mark appeared, there wasn't an immediate attraction; Donghyuck despised him at first. 

He chose to take a debate class, one that would usually mix students of different majors. Hyuck met Mark as an opponent; the boy was always on the other team, with ridiculous ideas and weird idealistic morals. 

If there was anyone Donghyuck thought he couldn't befriend, that person was Mark. The sentiment wasn't onesided; Mark would also get riled up in class with how Hyuck would find the most outrageous ways to bend the rules to his favor. Even the professor would get tired of the two, demanding them to let the others speak.

And of course, as soon as they had met in class, they would see each other everywhere. Donghyuck liked to lounge on the campus' garden; he was in everyone's mouth, always up to something, the person the freshmen would turn to when they needed to get out of class, his laughter could be heard from the distance, always defiant and wild.

Mark ran on the college's running track; he was on the posters - the one who leads the swimming team -, he tutored people on Calculus, always surrounded by his teammates or colleagues, a natural leader, alert and prepared.

That was their biggest problem; Mark was used to leading, and Donghyuck refused to follow.

Donghyuck was free like a hurricane, arriving with no warning, destroying what he could with a smile on his face, his reactions so natural, so him. Mark was always two steps behind, trying to catch up, to understand his constitution.

Renjun was there when Donghyuck first talked about Mark, how he got on his nerves, how pretentious he was, with an ego bigger than anyone else's. They would purposely avoid the clubs and gatherings where they knew Mark would be; the sheer sight of him got Donghyuck in a bad mood. 

Renjun, as his best friend, had taken upon himself to despise Mark as well. 

So when Donghyuck first had sex with Mark, hate fucked him in the bathroom of a club, he decided to not tell Renjun - it would bring him a headache, and it wasn't like they were ever going to keep seeing each other, the semester was over, and they could go back to their normal lives.

Except it happened again, and again, to a point where Mark knew Donghyuck's schedule, and Donghyuck had the keys to Mark's dorm. Still, it took a while for him to tell Renjun. 

And Renjun wasn't dumb. He caught up to what was happening, he gave Donghyuck an earful, and he kept antagonizing Mark. Renjun was the biggest obstacle Mark had to face, and Mark was long gone by then, too inebriated by Donghyuck to give up. 

It was Donghyuck, his snarky comments, his breathtaking smile, his curious and sometimes wicked mind, his burning touch, his sex drive, the colors in his hair, and his mood swings. If Mark had to persevere through the scrutiny of the best friend, he would. Donghyuck was worth it.

Renjun did what he thought was the healthiest thing for his best friend, he judged by the impressions he got from Donghyuck's first encounters with Mark, and the verdict was already established. He was looking out for Hyuck, for his heart. 

Right now, Donghyuck was doing the same for him.

"You have to understand this situation is weird for me," Donghyuck told him.

Renjun could see that; Hyuck came back to a new dynamic in their group, and it threw him off, especially when he saw his best friend getting closer to a guy who, eight months earlier, had wrecked all of his relationships.

He could understand the worries, but Renjun was also protective of Jaemin and their newfound friendship. Jaemin had trusted him with fragments of his life he hadn't told anyone else, and that meant a lot.

"And what if I tell you it is not what you think?" Renjun asked, the mug on his hand was mainly to keep him warm. He was out of his favorite coffee brand, and the only one left was what Jaemin used to drink, too strong and bitter for his taste. 

Too strong for Donghyuck too, but he was stubborn and drank it anyway. Donghyuck's face twisted into a frow, Renjun didn't know if it was because of the coffee or because of what he said.

"I know you, Jun." There was no escaping Donghyuck. 

"Okay," Renjun put his coffee on the counter a little bit too forceful, ready to take in the hits. "What do you want to know?"

"Do you like him?"

Renjun pondered, Jaemin's smile appearing in his mind, as vivid as if he was right there, as if it was still that morning when the pink-haired boy nagged Renjun about the amount of instant food they were consuming, always beaming, even when scolding.

"I guess so," He answered; Donghyuck took a long pause to talk again, so Renjun added: "maybe?"

He didn't mean it to come out as a question, but his friend's eyebrows were so high that he started to second guess.

"I was hoping you would say that you didn't know." Donghyuck looked shocked and even a little amused.

"Then, I don't know."

"That's not how it works." Hyuck scoffed; he took another sip of his strong coffee and frowned. Renjun made a mental note to buy more coffee tomorrow. "I don't trust him."

Renjun didn't expect such a blatant confession, he didn't know why Hyuck would feel this way towards Jaemin, and he thought it was uncalled for. 

It was Renjun's turn to frown. "Why not?" 

"You saw how Mark became,  _ and _ Jeno,  _ and _ Jaeun," Donghyuck explained, it all clicked fast inside Renjun's head. "I don't want you to go through it."

Renjun couldn't say much without betraying Jaemin's trust, so he decided to let Donghyuck be. He was worried, the same way Renjun would also be if their roles were swapped.

His best friend was quick to judge and hard to swallow; Donghyuck was observant, but he was also intense and caring, and Renjun couldn't really blame him for thinking like that.

"I hadn't thought about that," Renjun confessed. Of course, he didn't, they were both scared of having this conversation, and none of the two were ready to see the other's point of view. It was a matter of agreeing to disagree and moving on with it. "But I don't think you have to worry about it."

Renjun's voice was so sincere, so open, that Donghyuck realized there was more to the whole story, things his friend couldn't say. It killed him inside because he was worried and curious, but if he indulged more on the topic, he knew they would fight.

"I hope so." Donghyuck contemplated. "I talked to Jaeun, she said she would kick Jaemin's ass if he ever made you cry."

Out of all the people Donghyuck could have talked about this, Jaeun wasn't one of them, and Renjun felt his shoulders tense up. 

Something about his expression made Donghyuck eyes pop again, and he was ready to defend himself when Renjun talked, "Stop spreading your lies to other people! Nothing is going on."

That was debatable, even in Renjun's mind, but he was not going to give Hyuck the satisfaction.

"In my defense," His best friend put his hands up, a truce sign. "You guys are pretty obvious."

Renjun shook his head, disapproving of his best friend's actions, but decided not to stay on that. 

Donghyuck chose to be on the sidelines, for now, assisting Renjun, this was his life anyway, and if he wanted it to take a turn that Donghyuck disapproved, there wasn't much he could do to stop him.

He could provide a listening ear and snarky commentary. So when he asked about what Renjun and Jaemin would do at home, his best friend told him about the time spent cooking, watching silly tv shows, talking and merely lounging, they didn't do anything out of the ordinary, but it was precisely what Renjun liked about it. 

With Jaemin, his mind wasn't thinking of the future and all the things he had to solve, he could stop and entertain the present.

Jaemin had finally made time to have dinner with his boys, and, as promised to Donghyuck, he met Jeno earlier so they could go to the market and buy all the ingredients for a barbecue party.

Jeno thought his best friend was a little insane for accepting to pay for the dinner's expenses, but he wasn't going to question it out loud – it was an agreement between Jaemin and Donghyuck, and Jeno was just happy to get free food. 

They met late afternoon; Jaemin already had a cart filled with pork belly and was choosing the greens to go with it when Jeno met him. 

"Do you want perilla leaves?" Jaemin asked his friend. 

Jeno mostly ate wraps with lettuce, but he knew Donghyuck loved perillas, so they decided to get some. Jaemin had no clue, but Jeno remembered he needed to win some points with Donghyuck; their friend was in the middle of a silent feud with Jaemin right now. 

It was Jeno who kept pushing Jaemin to plan their dinner for some time that week; Donghyuck wouldn't shut up about how Renjun avoided him and, meanwhile, tried to squeeze any type of information from Jeno - information he didn't have.

Hopefully, once they got together, Donghyuck would be able to ask whatever he wanted to ask Jaemin and stop harassing everyone else, especially Jeno - he was fed up.

Ever since the pizza night in Jaeun's house, Jeno and Donghyuck would argue from time to time, each of them trying to defend their best friend's honor. It was mostly Donghyuck attacking Jaemin's disappearance and inability to explain it, and Jeno criticizing Renjun's outbursts of anger.

Neither Jaemin nor Renjun knew this was going on, and Mark started to wear headphones frequently while at home.

Jeno was lost in thoughts, thinking about Donghyuck, his big obnoxious mouth, and even louder personality, so he didn't catch onto his best friend fidgeting beside him. 

He was calculating on his phone if it was better to buy cans of beer or bottles when Jaemin decided to drop the bomb on him.

"So," Maybe this wasn't the best time to talk about it, but Jaemin figured he would like to tell Jeno first and then Mark and Donghyuck. "I've been talking to my father."

He owed it to Jeno; he was his friend since they were kids, back when their only concern was not falling and scraping their already bruised knees. Jeno was probably one of the two people who knew Jaemin's whole life, his biggest fears and aspirations, and if he wanted to keep their relationship stable, he needed to start being honest again.

Jeno was not expecting this conversation; who would've thought Jaemin would like to talk about his feelings in the middle of a market, while they haggled for cheap beer.

" _ What? _ " There wasn't much Jeno could say; he was caught off guard.

"My dad." Jaemin continued, still looking at the beers, trying not to make a fuss. "Back when I left, I went to meet him."

Jeno knew Jaemin better than this; he knew his friend avoided his gaze because he was nervous. If Jaemin couldn't look a person in the eye, he couldn't see the disappointment, and he felt that was better - after seeing Jaeun being angry with his comeback, he was worried about what they would think if they found out his reasoning.

Jeno was still observing his friend, his mouth slightly open; he was so  _ confused _ . Why now? Why here? Jaemin always had a strange timing, but this was the next level. 

Jeno forced himself to swallow the knot on his throat. "And how was he?"

He hoped that came out casual - he knew it didn't.

"Remember back in high school, when I told you about him?" Jaemin turned his head so he could face Jeno. His friend's eyes were filled with questions, but he did not find any hint of disapproval, and that was better than whatever Jaemin could ask for.

Of course, Jeno remembers how Jaemin had talked about his father. It was the first time he saw his friend talk about someone with so much hatred inside his heart; it didn't match Jaemin. 

Jaemin was optimistic, he was soft and fun to be around - when he decided to do something, he would give his all, Jaemin would get excited about the little things, and he would love everything with every fiber of his being. He had always been intense, but never mean.

And when Jaemin would talk about his dad, his intensity almost bordered cruelty; the amount of resentment he had was always locked away somewhere in his heart. The only time it came out was one lonely night in high school, when he and Jeno decided to drink beer for the first time, and the emotions were too much; his heart was too exposed, he couldn't do anything about it.

Jeno and Jaemin never talked about that night, mostly because Jaemin avoided him for the next month, and Jeno figured it was better to never bring that up again.

"Yeah." He answered. Jeno was cautious; he didn't want to say much and risk Jaemin leaving.

"Well," Maybe it was the fact that Jaemin had already talked with Renjun about this, how the boy would casually ask him about his father sometimes. Like the day he appeared in his apartment, wet hair and smelling like his coconut shampoo, and Jaemin had to muster all his self-control not to end his call and indulge in Renjun for the rest of the day. 

But right now, it didn't seem such a big deal to talk about this, he  _ wanted _ to talk about it, and maybe that was a big deal. Jaemin doesn't remember a time in his life when he was okay with sharing his internal turmoils.

"I guess I was kinda right." He finished his train of thought. "He is a jerk."

"Oh," Whatever had gotten into Jaemin was clearly foreign to Jeno, he felt out of place, like an uncomfortable dream that was taking too long for him to wake up from. "I'm sorry."

For some reason, Jeno's unsettlement amused Jaemin, his friend was always telling him to open up more, and now that he did, Jeno was uncomfortable. The irony of it all was too great.

"Don't be, I'm fine." 

And Jaemin really was fine; finally talking about it felt liberating. He had a weight on his chest for the past two years, and he was belatedly learning to let go. 

The shackles on his mind that he deemed so necessary were now harmless. 

Jeno didn't contribute much to the conversation, he listened to his friend talk about where he had been while choosing the brand of soju they would consume. Jaemin spoke about the weather, the houses he'd seen, the people he met, every single tattoo and their meaning, and what he wanted to do next.

"Does your sister know about this?" Jeno eventually asked him.

They were in Jaemin's car by now, driving to the dorms. Jaemin had a smile on his face, and it didn't falter when his sister was mentioned. Perhaps because he knew she had a sound support system, or because Jaemin knew she wouldn't be able to be mad at him for long. 

"She doesn't," He confessed. "There were still a few things I needed to figure out before telling her, but she's next."

The cryptic answer didn't fly past Jeno, but he decided it was better to listen to whatever his friend had to say without chiming in. He had never seen his friend speak about private matters for so long, and he was scared Jaemin might close off his communication if Jeno talked back.

Once they got to the house, Mark was already by the door to help them with the groceries, Donghyuck was setting the portable grill on the table and greeted Jaemin as soon as he saw his friend. 

Mark gave Jaemin a quick tour to the house - they had another roommate, one of the newer members of the swimming team, but he would usually spend most of his time at his girlfriend's dorm, so that night, there were only the four of them there. 

Jeno quickly showed him his potential room if Jaemin decided to move in with them. Donghyuck interfered, reminding Jeno that their friend had a living agreement with Renjun and couldn't just give it up and come live here. 

For the third time that week, Jeno wanted to yell out of frustration because of Donghyuck; he didn't understand him at all. One day Donghyuck would complain about Jaemin getting closer to Renjun and the other he would try to keep them together. 

Jeno was almost convinced Donghyuck was doing this to annoy him.

Before he could start another rant, Jeno stopped himself, deciding to just glare at Donghyuck. 

Mark called them back to the table, the grill was hot enough, and he would start placing the meat. Donghyuck swiftly changed places with his boyfriend and started to manage the grill, Mark had the tendency of forgetting that he needed to do whenever he drank, so someone else had to be in charge of cooking.

Mark told Jaemin of his latest internship interview - this time he was feeling good about the outcome; Jeno filled them in on how the new Business professor was trying to abolish tests in her class, Donghyuck talked about his latest group project. 

When they were full of meat and happy because of the beer, Jaemin told both Mark and Donghyuck his reason for leaving all those months ago. 

Like Jeno, Mark was lost, he was sure he would never find out why his friend left or why he came back and tried to be okay with that. 

Donghyuck was a whole other story. He appreciated his friend telling them his reasonings, but he was too eager to let Jaemin finish the story on his own time, always asking and interrupting. Mark had to sling an arm over Donghyuck's shoulders and playfully put his hand over his boyfriend's mouth, that was the only way to shut him up.

Jaemin appreciated the gesture, although it wasn't necessary. Every single person Jaemin talked until now gave him a new set of expressions, he was perfecting his story, everything was training time so that he could get to Jaeun.

Maybe it was because they had already drunk a fair amount. Still, the night ended with Donghyuck crying in Jaemin's arms - asking him for forgiveness of something Jaemin had no clue about -, and Jeno scolding Donghyuck - about something Jaemin had no clue either. Mark was clingy too, he latched onto Jaemin and babbled about how great Jaemin was as if the person next to him wasn't his friend.

Jaemin crashed on Jeno's bed, and when morning came, the four of them still stank of alcohol. Donghyuck decided to skip classes that day, but Jaemin took his car keys and went back to his place to shower and become a proper citizen again.

The doctor said it would take six weeks for Renjun's fingers to recover; they were in the middle of the third, and he was over it. Thankfully, Renjun did not feel any more pain, and he could now use his paintbrushes with some difficulty, which was better than not being able to.

He wanted to finish Jaeun's nursery as soon as possible. He was drawing on the walls as a present for the woman, and now that she was closer to having the baby, they had to make sure everything was in place.

Fortunately, Renjun had already sketched all the walls; the paint and supplies had already been delivered to Jaeun's house. All he needed to do was add the colors and line art, which would be a slow process with his broken fingers.

He started coming to Jaeun's house to paint every day after his classes; Renjun would stay hours immersed in the paints and shapes, making sure his trembling hands wouldn't mess up the artwork.

The work was slow and frustrating; Renjun had to coat the wall three times to get it right - to be certain the lines were straight, and there were no spottings. 

Jaeun wanted to be surprised, so whenever Renjun was there, he worked with the door closed. She didn't peek even once - her willpower was admirable. If it were anyone else from their group, they would have already given in to their curiosity.

Renjun was glad he had those few hours for himself, just him and his creations. After the start of the semester and being surrounded by books all the time, he missed being able to disregard the world and appreciate the smell of paint and the feeling the brush strokes gave him.

After a few days, Jaemin picked up on his trembling, and Renjun realized that wasn't normal; he was burdening his recovering bones, the shaking coming from the pain he refused to acknowledge.

That was typical of Renjun, and after Jaemin pestered him for a few days, he finally asked for help. 

Jaemin was taken aback from the question but agreed to it right away. That was the first time Renjun asked him for something because he was struggling. 

And that was how Jaemin found himself in his niece's nursery room, the day after going to the boy's dorm; He had a massive headache that wouldn't go away ever since that morning and a paintbrush on his hand. 

Renjun sensed he was a little out of it and worried Jaemin would destroy his wall. "We can do this some other time, you look beaten." 

His voice was too revealing, and Jaemin picked up on the apprehension towards his drawings, he did not trust him with the paintbrush.

Renjun sat on the floor with his back to the wall, close to the door, his role today was to give Jaemin instructions. 

"How dare you," Jaemin had enough strength to fool around, he dipped the brush inside the paint can. "I'll have you know I was pretty average at my art classes back in High School."

"Lucky me." Renjun joked back, his eyes never leaving Jaemin's hand. "Jaemin, you're going to get paint on the floor."

It was pure luck that saved Jaemin, he moved the paintbrush above the can, and the paint dripped back to the container. Whatever case Jaemin was trying to make of him being an excellent substitute to paint the walls was shattering.

Nevertheless, with Renjun's guidance, Jaemin started venturing with the paint, his lines weren't as smooth as Renjun's, but the elder assured him he would correct all those imperfections later.

"I told the boys about my father." Jaemin had already finished two gray buildings when he felt it was okay to focus on something that wasn't the painting, he got the gist of it by now.

Renjun wasn't paying attention; he only hummed to this new information, too engrossed with his cellphone. Jaemin gave him a second, he stopped to look at the boy. Renjun slid from the wall, and he was almost lying down now; when he noticed Jaemin's gaze on him, he sat back up, trying to recall what his friend had said.

"What?" 

"I told Jeno, Mark, and Hyuck about my father." Jaemin repeated, and he waited for Renjun to soak in the information, his eyes almost popping out of his head.

"Are you okay?" 

"Yeah." Jaemin had never felt as light as this whole week, there was only one more hurdle, and he would be done.

Renjun analyzed his face; he looked for a sign of a lie, something that would contradict his statement. There was nothing there, Jaemin was truthful, and he was happy about it.

"Did you tell Jaeun?" Renjun asked. Back when Jaemin had first told him, he promised to tell his sister soon and  _ soon _ had already gone.

"I'm hoping to tell her today," Jaemin confessed, his insides twisted with anticipation. "But, I'm nervous."

The smile Renjun directed towards him was shining, and Jaemin couldn't be doing something wrong if he was worthy of this smile. He did not smile back, just grunted, and went back to painting the little asymmetric houses on the wall. 

Renjun let him finish another building before calling again. "Jaemin, come here." 

Jaemin looked at him but didn't comply, he lifted the paintbrush, as if telling Renjun he was busy. 

"It's fine, we can finish later," Renjun assured Jaemin, he patted the floor next to him. "Come sit next to me."

Jaemin left his paintbrush on the newspaper on the floor, and followed the elder's wishes, sitting close to him. Renjun hummed, pleased that Jaemin listened to him.

"Give me your hand," Renjun asked, and again, Jaemin complied. 

Renjun reached for Jaemin's with both of his hands, he got the boy's hand with his palm facing up, with one hand under Jaemin's he locked him in place and with the other, he started drawing on his palm. "What are you worried about?"

Renjun's voice was lower, sweeter, and whatever embarrassment he felt the first time he did this to Jaemin, wasn't there anymore. He was focused on emptying his friend of his worries. 

Jaemin did not share this sentiment, he was running on adrenaline the whole week, and Renjun making him sit down and revise his inner fears made his heart race. Even if he had talked about his situation with other people, Jaeun was different.

"She's terrifying on a  _ normal _ day," Jaemin joked, trying to relieve his tension. Renjun wasn't looking at him, he kept his eyes on their hands, to give Jaemin space. "And she's pregnant now."

Renjun's touch was so light that it tickled Jaemin, but he did not move. "She'll get over it." He reassured.

"You can't be sure of that." All traces of humor were gone; Jaemin's voice was tinted with raw fear, so dominant that Renjun had to take a few seconds to rearrange his thoughts. 

"She will," Renjun said, gathering every single scrap of determination in his voice. "She got over a lot already."

Jaemin knew how strong his sister was, but he also knew she wasn't going to be happy with him deciding to ditch her for other people. He was scared she would take his decision as proof he wanted to leave.

Renjun looked at Jaemin's face, his friend was staring at the ceiling, and Renjun couldn't see much of his expression, but he was almost sure his eyes were glistening.

"You're  _ not _ a bad guy, Jaemin," Renjun was taken aback, and he splurted out whatever he could find inside his mind. "You're allowed to be curious, you're allowed to demand your answers."

Jaemin breathed an  _ I know _ , only it was so quiet Renjun almost didn't hear it. He gave the younger time to process his feelings and kept drawing characters on his palm. 

The silence between the two was comfortable. For quite some time now, they didn't feel the need to fill the room with words and movements. Renjun liked staying next to Jaemin like this, enjoying his company without burden.

When Jaemin was calmer, he lowered his head and stared at their hands. 

"What are you writing?" He asked Renjun, who was so focused on tracing that he got a little startled. Renjun looked up and gave him a small smile before letting his eyes go back to Jaemin's palm.

"When I was a kid and would have a nightmare, my mom would write tranquility on my back until I fell asleep, I got the habit from her." He explained.

"That's nice."

Renjun hummed in agreement. "How did the boys take it when you told them?"

Jaemin knew what Renjun was doing.

Renjun figured their conversation couldn't have gone wrong if Jaemin was okay right now, so getting him back to that place was the best option. Jaemin still had to talk to Jaeun anyway; if he remembered how other people reacted to the news, maybe that would help him.

There was only one problem with that tactic, Jaeun was the first one who would be getting the full version of the events, so however the others responded to his story was pointless. 

Renjun didn't know that. He was trying his best, and Jaemin decided to go with it.

"Jeno and Mark were surprised, Hyuck cried on my lap for one whole hour." That statement made Renjun laugh out loud, it was so typical of his best friend that he could picture in his head.

"I'm so sorry," He said in between laughs.

"It's fine," Jaemin found Renjun laughing to be funnier than the actual scene, so this arrangement benefited him as well. "Mark gave a whole speech about me  _ to me _ ."

"Oh, he is doing that now," Renjun smiled, remembering all the times he had to hear about himself because a drunk Mark just wouldn't  _ shut up.  _ "I have no idea who he got that habit from."

"I look better in Mark's head than I do in real life, so I won't complain." Out of all the craziness from yesterday, Mark's speech was actually heartwarming. 

"I guess that explains the text Hyuck sent me today."

"What text?" Jaemin asked; he figured it would be something about not going to classes since their friend decided to skip today.

"I don't remember exactly, but it was something about you not being all that bad." Renjun explained.

" _ Why _ would he think I'm bad?"

"Oh, he doesn't really," Renjun was so quick to answer and tranquilize Jaemin's emotions that he didn't filter his words. "He's concerned, and he likes to pester. I was also annoying when Mark first came along, so that's his way of getting back at me."

Renjun didn't realize the meaning of his words quick enough, but they hit Jaemin like a thunder. And if Renjun's goal was to keep him grounded, it wasn't working. Jaemin's mind was spiraling between Renjun, his casualness while discussing them with his best friend, and the connotation it gave if Renjun compared Mark and Donghyuck to him and Jaemin. 

Maybe that was his intention all along, to bring back Jaemin's adrenaline. Right now, Renjun's finger didn't tickle his palm anymore, it felt like they were charged, sending electric vibrations up his arm.

And perhaps it wasn't his purpose at all, because when Renjun looked up, brows furrowed finally realizing what he had said, all Jaemin could find in his eyes were questions and uncertainty. 

Jaemin wanted to shut them all up, and he could only think of one way to do it without having to speak. He was tired of talking, so he leaned in to put his lips on Renjun's.

Jaemin had thought what it would feel to kiss Renjun, he wanted to do it since the time Renjun brought him to that family restaurant weeks ago. When the elder first talked about his life, when he told him about his childhood and listened with his big attentive eyes while Jaemin confessed things he never had before.

Whatever he had imagined, the reality was nothing like it. The kiss was tender, shy, and  _ right _ . Renjun was hesitant and stubborn, he was caught off guard, but was too strong-minded to step back and ask.

Jaemin wasn't in the mood to discuss anymore anyway, he freed his hand from Renjun's and placed it on the elder's jaw, the touch was delicate, but the intention was clear, so when Jaemin parted his lips, Renjun could only follow.

Renjun wasn't sure if a kiss was supposed to be this powerful, but as soon as their tongues meet in equal eagerness, he was sure he had met his doom. 

Jaemin tasted like coffee, and Renjun was sure it was because he liked to drink those extra roasted beans that tasted like death for Renjun. Only now, savoring the faint flavor they gave, Renjun couldn't remember ever having something as good as this. 

If there was any question unanswered, Jaemin made sure to tend to them with his actions. He keeps his rhythm slow, carefully clarifying all those weeks of misunderstandings and second guessings. If Renjun wanted certainty, Jaemin would assure him every night.

Renjun heard it all, and he tilted his body towards Jaemin, deepening the kiss even further. They had the time to be mindful of each other, Renjun wanted  _ more _ . 

He could feel Jaemin smiling mid-kiss, Renjun didn't really care if he looked too impatient, because whatever he would do, the younger would meet him in the middle. Jaemin's hand traveled from Renjun's jaw to the nape of his neck, locking him there, and he didn't mind if they kept kissing for the rest of the night.

The thought must have been cursed because as soon as he imagined, Renjun heard the front door opening, and he was immediately transported back to where they were, inside Jaeun's nursery, where they were supposed to be painting the walls.

"Jaeun," Renjun whispered when he managed to detach himself from Jaemin's lips.

Whatever Jaemin was waiting to hear, his sister's name was not it. He sent the boy an incredulous look.

"Could you not talk about my sister right now?" He pestered.

"What?" And Renjun was sure Jaemin didn't hear the door, so he tried again. "I heard the door, she must be home."

As soon as he said it, they heard Jaeun's voice calling for Renjun. 

"Just a second!" Renjun shouted back, his eyes concerned for Jaemin, and he whispered to the boy. "Do you want me to stay? I can stay if you don't want to do this alone."

If Renjun stayed, perhaps Jaeun wouldn't be as nervous, but the boy would also distract Jaemin. He was too tempting right now, with his red lips and affected eyes. 

Besides, Jaemin would like to impress Renjun, and the talk he was about to have with Jaeun was far from impressive. 

Therefore, Jaemin smiled at his proposal but shook his head; this was something he needed to do alone. He inhaled deeply, trying to find the words, but his mind was too hazy. 

Jaemin gave Renjun a peck on the lips and said, "Go, I'll be right out," And when Renjun didn't move, he gave him another peck. "I'm fine, I just need a moment."

Renjun finally conceded, he got up, checked his clothes to see if they were too crumpled, and left the room. Jaemin could hear Jaehwan's screams and Jaeun talking about something. 

He stayed for a minute inside the room. Unsure if the emotions in his chest were because of the kisses or because he was about to make his sister hate him. Perhaps a bit of both.

There was no turning back, and he was confident that if he had to do it all again, he would. He didn't regret any step he took, and sooner or later, the world would have to be okay with it. 

Because Jaemin was more than okay with it all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin this entire chapter: hello kind stranger, would you like to hear about my past?
> 
> ____
> 
> Hi lovelies, how are we feeling today?  
> The kissing scene almost killed me, I am physically incapable of writing fluff without stopping every five minutes and having to go out for a jog.  
> I did enjoy writing, but my body would curl up every now and then FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER
> 
> Thank you for all the kind comments, you guys are amazing and every time I read one of them my mood gets so much better (that was how we ended up with almost a 9k chapter ahahahahah)  
> Love you all, have a great weekend! ❤❤❤❤❤


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Please read before starting this chapter!!**  
>  Hi guys, first of all, thank you for your attention.  
> In this chapter, we will dwell on some sensitive topics that could be triggering for some. If you feel that discussions about child neglect and alcoholism could affect you in any way, I advise you to skip it.  
> As much as I went back and forth on this chapter with a lot of people, tried to tackle it with the sensibility I believe it deserves - I still can't guarantee it is trigger-free.  
> So, if you start reading and feel it won't end well, or decide to skip it altogether, feel free to hit me up (it can be on [Tumblr](https://toojuns.tumblr.com/ask) or [cc](https://curiouscat.me/toojuns)) and I'll give you the basics of the chapter so that you can continue along for the feel-good parts (the rest of the fic is pretty chill, I promise you.)  
> Your mental health is the crucial part here, so please take care of it.  
> Anyways, thank you all.  
> Have fun reading!
> 
> __
> 
> [spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4A8yyS6TLlglvsBWyirQd1?si=-uQs6aaZS127QgM5oJaMFw)  
> [pinterest board](https://br.pinterest.com/clariexyz/1-his-tattoos/)  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/clariexyz)  
> The songs for this chapter were Eyes Shut from Years & Years, EASE and Suburbia from Troye Sivan.

Jaemin tended to overwork himself when it came to swimming; he never got the thrill Mark and Jeno did, always having to train more, work more, be better. Applying for the club wasn't on his mind at first, but Jeno wanted to, so Jaemin gave it a shot; he would always follow other's decisions.

The boy never understood how to handle his loneliness; once his mother died, he latched onto Jaeun. When she got married, he settled for Jeno. And as much as he could see how questionable his behavior was, Jaemin was terrified of being left alone. Therefore he accompanied his friend to the same college, major, and even clubs.

Jeno was far too fearful of trying things out on his own anyway, so their agreement worked for both of them. They were a duo, closer than brothers, always there for each other - the concept of ride or die was created for them. If Jaemin wanted to trespass school grounds in their senior year for a harmless prank, Jeno would be there judging him; if Jeno needed to cheat on an exam, Jaemin would give him the answers - even if he wasn't sure about them either. And now, they were continuing the tradition in college.

"You'll love it, I swear." Was the phrase that caught him every time. whenever Jeno would say it, Jaemin knew he would be getting himself in trouble. It was the same phrase Jaemin would tell Jeno as well. 

Before he knew, Jaemin spent most of his first two college years either in the swimming pool or at the library, studying for his exams. He wasn't a natural like Jeno nor a leader like Mark; he was clumsy, aimless, and neurotic, too caught up on himself and his possible mistakes to actually enjoy his surroundings, too used to faking it.

Luckily for him, his training came to fruition, and Jaemin would soon be at the top of his swimming matches, he would have one of the best grades in the Business major, and no one seemed to call his bluff. That didn't stop him from being regularly stressed about it, nevertheless.

So, when Jaemin first met Seungjo, his day was not going well. He had overexerted himself, and his body was finally caving in on him. 

He sometimes noticed how his head would feel lighter than usual - the few wrong questions on the exam being proof, simple problems that he got wrong -, and now his chest pains were constant. 

Jaemin didn't think about visiting the infirmary until he collapsed on his way to getting into the pool. His teammates became desperate, not knowing what to do when one of their aces suddenly fainted. Mark, being the captain, was the one to calm everyone down and get Jaemin to the clinic.

Once he woke up, there was Seungjo, and for the first time in his college years, he felt  _ seen _ . Right away, the nurse did not buy into his act, he called it like he saw it and, in his eyes, Jaemin was a phony.

Seungjo saw many people come into his clinic because of stress - young people attempting to carry the world's weight- and knew how that could lead to more permanent damages. As soon as Jaemin tried to brush it off like it was nothing, he got called out for it. 

Seungjo was unbelievably true to himself, to the extent it scared Jaemin. His intensity and character were not something people would see every day, and it was fascinating to the younger.

The constant fear in his chest turned into relief as soon as the nurse told Jaemin it was acceptable to be mediocre, to want other things, and follow a path your friends wouldn't. It was such an ordinary message, and yet, no one had ever told Jaemin anything like that.

Jaeun would always pressure her brother into finishing college, getting a stable job, things she couldn't do for herself. Jeno had aspirations, knew what he wanted for his life, and wasn't afraid to go after it, even with all his confidence issues. Mark was  _ Mark _ , the golden boy, the one people would look up to.

Jaemin had nothing, he was just wandering in space, empty and needing others to keep him whole. 

Seungjo did not offer him friendship but guidance, and soon enough, the infirmary became his favorite place to be. He would hear the man talk to the other students, and he helped him out with basic tasks such as rearranging the medicine cabinet or holding the rubbing alcohol. 

The nurse did not demand an explanation for the sudden company, he simply let Jaemin tag along. 

Their understanding was more profound than others could guess. Seungjo cared for the boy, and saw a lot of his younger self in him, being terrified of what could happen if he let Jaemin be on his own, afraid his destructive tendencies could worsen.

The younger would soak in all the life experience Seungjo had to offer - the nurse did not think he had much to give, but it was enough for Jaemin. Seungjo talked about his family, career, why he became a nurse, dropping out of college, and coming back later once he realized what truly mattered. In exchange, he heard Jaemin talk about his troubles.

They quickly became close, so it was natural for Jaemin to reach out to the elder when his father first called him.

Seungjo was way in over his head and did not know what to tell the younger. Jaemin was so lonely, and he craved emotional connection, who better to give that other than his father? If any, the boy could get the closure he deserved. So Seungjo persuaded him to give his dad a shot, talk to him, see where things went.

With his heart on his hand, Jaemin decided to try to form a relationship with his dad.

And for the first few months, Jaemin's mood would be remarkably sour whenever his father called. The man was much like him, too uncomfortable to talk about important topics, so their conversation would always be shallow, and leave his son hollow.

Every time, Jaemin would exercise a little more, swim over his training schedule, and end up with a bloody nose or other overexertion symptoms. And he would find himself in the infirmary, being pestered by the nurse. 

His teammates took Jaemin's stance as an example to be followed - he was focused, always on top -, but the truth was different; Jaemin was drained and miserable.

Like never before, he snapped at people. Jaemin was mean to Jeno, rude to Mark, stopped showing up for gatherings, and would not answer any texts or calls, always snarky and unpleasant. It took Donghyuck being ready to physically hurt Jaemin to make him stop.

It was nobody's fault, but his own, and Jaemin knew that. The anger and emptiness would eat his soul out; he was too weak to prevent it. Once Donghyuck was dragged out of their dorm by Mark, to prevent him from going after his friend's throat again, Jaemin knew his attitude was ridiculous. 

And he tried to get better. He talked to Seungjo, partied with his boys, drank a lot, slept around, comforted Hyuck when his best friend ditched him for a new boyfriend, and supported Jeno when his new crush turned him down. Just like that, his façade was back.

And if anyone had any problem with that, they didn't say it. Even Seungjo, who could feel the boy slipping away, had no idea how to get to him. All his interactions were friendly but also fake.

Jaemin was back to training hard and studying harder; he kept his mind busy, and his body exhausted. This time, whenever people would ask him something or talk to him, he would be his most charming self again. 

The boy didn't mind, he would always put others' comfort above his anyway, this was nothing new. He sealed his feelings away and stopped contacting his father. 

Although, that did not last long, because once he realized he had all those feelings bottled up, it was hard to keep them down. He would skip school whenever he was at his breaking point, when it even breathing became too much, and glue himself back together, just enough to keep him afloat a couple more days.

Jaeun was swamped with taking care of an infant and handling her brand new coffee shop. She even missed some of Jaemin's swimming matches - the boy knew it was too much for her, but he also felt abandoned. Jeno was busy with his classes, and Mark was too engrossed with Donghyuck to notice anything else around him. 

Jaemin was on his own. His emptiness would scream at him, too desperate to be left alone, but also too weak to ask for help.

Seungjo tried one more time, he did not wait for the boy to look for him; instead, he sought out Jaemin. He kept him close and tried his best not to make his worries visible.

And even though Jaemin appreciated the gesture, it did not stop him from feeling hollow.  _ Seungjo was never a friend, he was a medical expert _ , Jaemin's mind would corner him,  _ his concern was purely professional _ . 

After a few months of empty words and void feelings, he called his father again. He was not ready to talk to him in any shape or form, but Jaemin also had no clue who else he could turn to. 

He wasn't even sure why talking to his father would upset him so much; he only knew that this feeling had overflown because of him. In Jaemin's mind, it was natural that he had to hash it out with his dad.

Maybe this way, he could go back to how things were before. It was never perfect, but at least Jaemin would not be miserable anymore.

Youngsoo was a reasonably young man, definitely not someone people would think was already a grandfather. Jaemin's mom got pregnant as soon as she left high school, and his father wasn't much older.

At first, the two did their best to provide a stable home for their children.

The situation was far from perfect, and it became too much for Youngsoo very quickly. His marriage was in shambles, he felt inferior to his peers, and after a lot of fights, he left and never returned. Jaemin was still a little kid, too young to understand, so he would even wait for his father on the park they used to play in.

Youngsoo was in his late forties now, and Jaemin was constantly on his mind. After a few months of radio silence, his son contacted him again, and without thinking, he asked Jaemin to come and meet him, he needed a lot of help.

Jaemin was troubled and wary, the question being too sudden, and therefore, he did not answer right away. The invitation kept bothering him. His stomach was too heavy for him to eat anything, his mind too blurry for him to focus, his body too messed up, like it wasn't even his. 

He missed his group assignment and lost his next swimming match. Everything he worked so hard on, that he held dear to his heart, was crumbling, and he had no strength to glue anything back again. 

He was  _ exhausted _ .

Maybe that was it, maybe that was his way out. Jaemin remembered Seungjo telling him it was fine even if he decided to walk a path others did not. Before he could understand his actions' ramifications, Jaemin met with his swimming coach and asked to be taken out of the team.

The coach tried to pressure him into staying, he was one of their best swimmers anyway, it made no sense to leave now. Everyone made mistakes, they all lost some matches, it was no big deal. He could bounce back, everyone was waiting for him too.

Jaemin heard it all, thanked the coach and left. 

He did not tell Jeno, his roommate, anything; they went out with his boys after an exhausting week, they drank and laughed, and once the day dawned, while Mark and Jeno were still sleeping, he got his stuff and left.

Jaemin tried to call his dad but to no avail. He got to Pohang, and waited by the docks, he sent a message, and another one, and called again. Nothing. He asked around, he waited even if the cold wind was hurting him, and he was not dressed to stand by the seaside in the winter. Jaemin dreaded what this could mean, he dreaded the rejection.

He was not giving up that easily. He wanted answers, wanted to be heard once in his lifetime, and feel something, anything, he was desperate. Jaemin booked a hotel room for the night, the cheapest one he could find, and didn't actually sleep - his mind too full for him to rest.

That turned out to be a good thing. At four in the morning, when the sun wasn't even up yet, he heard the city waking up, the chattering from the fishermen who were ready to brave the ocean another day. 

The boy left his room, walked to the docks again, unaware he was still wearing the hotel's slippers, too eager to wait. He asked around until he found a fisherman who knew his dad and knew of Jaemin. The man had also not seen Youngsoo, but he could point out where he lived, which was enough for Jaemin.

It was still too early, and Jaemin didn't know if his dad had any family – if his dad's family knew about him. Therefore, he went back to his room and waited until his anxiety was eating him alive, until he couldn't wait anymore. 

When the sun came up, he drove to the address.

Jaeun was having a good day before all of this. Her ex-husband had finally agreed upon the child support, his future involvement with their children, and she would get to keep her café – as long as she paid him rent.

They would have to sell the house and split the earning; she wasn't sure how to break the news to Renjun - since the boy was caught up on painting the nursery for her. 

It was still the best deal she ever got, so Jaeun took it. 

The woman wanted to tell Renjun right away, to keep him from investing his time any longer on the project. But as soon as she got home, her friend came to her in a shrilled voice, telling him he was late to a meeting. 

It was already late afternoon, and Jaeun knew he had cleared his schedules to be there, so his argument made no sense. Still, the woman decided not to grill him when she saw his pink ears and panicked eyes. 

She figured it had something to do with Jaemin once she saw her brother was at her house and intended to ask him about it as soon as Renjun left.

However, Jaemin was faster and told her they needed to talk.

And Jaeun really thought there was nothing that could spoil her mood that day, but her brother talking about their father did just that. Nonetheless, she did not stop him, not even when Jaemin waited for her to; when he was sure she had things to say. If Jaeun knew anything about her brother, it was that he was uncomfortable whenever he had to talk for too long, even more, if it was personal. 

And she wanted him to suffer a little because that was her little brother and he should've told her. She wouldn't have liked it, she didn't like it now, but Jaemin was hers, and she would have found a way to be okay for him.

But perhaps she would never be okay. Because when Jaemin finally got to the part where he left to see their father - when she understood he was stood up -, all she could taste inside her mouth was metal.

This was  _ her _ baby brother, and even if he was young enough to not remember how things were before, Jaeun remembers. And she gave up on a culinary scholarship so that she could stay with him, Jaeun married so that she could provide a stable home _ for Jaemin _ . 

How  _ dare _ some sleazy absent parental figure come in and destroy the heart she tried so hard to keep intact? 

She was mad. Too mad, not with Jaemin - but of course, he didn't know that. And he took her silence the wrong way, his voice becoming tremulous, and his eyes watery.

Jaeun was about to cut him off when he spoke, "Let me finish, please."

And he sounded so scared, so depleted of life, that she didn't have to stop him. He did not cry, he took a deep breath and powered through.

That was her little brother, and Jaemin was probably the strongest person she ever knew.

The house he stood in front of was old, one of those traditional houses Jaemin saw in movies, the gates were rusty, and there were no plaques with a family name, so he could be at the wrong address. He tried to collect all his courage when he knocked on the door.

Jaemin was not ready for what he found on the other side. He wasn't prepared to meet those huge eyes in such a tiny frame, so filled with mistrust because a grown man was standing at her door - she didn't have a good memory of unknown men coming to their house.

And heavens, she looked so much like Jaeun did when younger, it was ridiculous. If someone told Jaemin that kid was his sister's child, he would've believed it, she was the carbon copy of her.

He did not have any time to greet her, the little girl was pushed aside by an older boy, not that much older, clearly her brother. And he glared at Jaemin, standing his ground even if Jaemin was three heads taller than him. Once being asked who he was, Jaemin did not have an answer.

The little boy grew impatient and asked again, high pitched and rough, Jaemin knew he might be coming off as rude and scary to this kid. So he asked for Youngsoo, once the boy questioned if he was from the government, Jaemin made sure to tell him he was an old friend.

The kid did not buy into that but told him to wait. His dad never came to the door, he wasn't home, as Jaemin would later find out; the one who came was a woman, his grandmother. 

Jaemin did not remember the lady from his memory. Still, he remembers seeing pictures of her on the album from Jaemin's childhood his mom kept hidden, which he didn't remember anything from - when he was still too young. He would occasionally entertain himself with the collection, always keeping it a secret from his mother and sister.

She looked older, a lot older, and after the initial shock, Jaemin thought that was normal, it had been over twenty years since those pictures. 

The elderly woman did not recognize Jaemin, but she did not acknowledge anyone most of her time anyway. She, too, was wary of him.

Regardless, as she was an elderly traditional lady and had to be polite, she invited him in. 

The little boy kept a close distance to his grandmother, helping her sit down on the chair, and getting two cups of water when she asked - one for her and the other for the strange man. 

The moment the woman started to slur her words and ask Jaemin for the third time, in a short period, if he was their new social worker, he understood she was sick.

Too sick to be the sole caretaker of two little kids.  _ This wasn't right, where was his father? _

Jaemin asked about Youngsoo to the woman, she did not know his whereabouts, and the little boy was getting antsier by the minute. Every time Jaemin tried to chat with him, he would bark back a snarky response; if the older man would simply look at his little sister, he would get in his line of vision.

There was no reason to stay if his father was not there, and it was clear he was not welcomed; it was evident from the fear in the kids' eyes. But when he got up to leave, asking the family to tell Youngsoo that he would be back later, the little boy snapped. 

He was angry and yelled at Jaemin; he told the man he would not go with him, and he would not separate them. And the realization hit Jaemin like thunder.

Youngsoo was never worried about Jaemin, that was what he had been talking on the phone, he needed help with his _ other _ kids. 

And the fear in the little boy's eyes was far too familiar for Jaemin, he was worried about being left alone. He was a kid, and the emotions Jaemin saw in his eyes were none of what children should have.

He ruffled the kid's hair, got another glare for it, and assured he wasn't there to take him away. 

He got back to his hotel and booked his room for another week, either way, Jaemin still had to talk to his father anyway, and he was worried about the kids. 

His cellphone would not stop ringing, the missed calls from Jeno and Mark pilling up, messages asking where he was, and if he would like to meet them for lunch. Jaemin took his SIM card out, left it inside his wallet, and was too tired to even think of the consequences.

He had bigger things to worry about.

Jaemin went back to the house every day and found out that Youngsoo was part of a fishing crew. He was a deep-sea fisherman and would sometimes have to leave the house for long periods because of his work.

The kid's mother was nowhere to be seen, she had bailed a long time ago - and the irony of that did not get past Jaemin. Therefore, the kids would stay with their grandmother most of the time.

The young boy's name was Jaewon -Jaemin noticed his father kept the generational name. He was a scrawny ten-year-old boy, with messy hair that was the same shade of dark brown as Jaemin's, and clothes that looked too big for him. 

The little girl's name was Jaein; she was six-years-old. She had big doe eyes and a smile that was missing her two front teeth, her hair was a bit lighter than her brother's, just like Jaeun's, and it was untidy as well; clearly, they did not brush it, or even clean it right.

"Are you the new social worker, boy?" The grandmother would ask every day.

"Mister, did you lend my father money?" Jaein would ask while playing the wrong version of checkers.

"He's not coming back, you should leave." Jaewon would tell him whenever he appeared.

It was not looking great for Jaemin; he was not sure until when he could stay there, looking over three people who didn't even know who he was.

Luckily for Jaemin, his father did appear before the one week ended. He froze when he saw his son in his kitchen, trying to make a conversation with his grandmother.

The shock and regret were so evident in Youngsoo's eyes that Jaemin could not help but be angry, he grabbed his estranged father by his collar and pushed him into one of the rooms, so they could be alone. 

The action startled the kids, who started to scream and cry at the violent display Jaemin portrayed. Jaemin was so tired, confused, and not thinking straight, those past few days seemed like a nightmare he had yet to wake up from.

His actions were hasty, and he let go of the man, the kids' screams ringing in his ears. He hadn't come there to traumatize those kids, that wasn't his goal. That wasn't Jaemin; he couldn't resort to those actions.

Jaemin apologized for the ruckus and talked to his dad as soon as the kids calmed down again, the man smelled like liquor, and it soon became apparent he had a problem. 

Youngsoo was not on a fishing trip like Jaemin had thought at first. His father had spent several days drinking his problems away, without even checking in on his kids. 

_ Was he like that when Jaemin was a kid too? How much did Jaemin not remembering his early childhood was a blessing in disguise? _

His head was filled with so much worry for the kids and questions for his father that he couldn't even remember how he felt before. All the exhaustion and numbness were gone - or quietly tucked away somewhere Jaemin couldn't find. 

Jaemin's grandmother had Alzheimer's, she was deteriorating quickly, and Youngsoo was the only one who could work in their household. That, plus his drinking problem, had tipped off the neighbors, who called social services, worried about the kids. 

They managed to evade the social workers for a while, but not forever. 

Youngsoo confessed to having contacted Jaemin out of desperation. He had once tried talking to Jaeun years ago, even before he was in this situation, and she shunned him, so Jaemin was the only hope. 

At least Jaemin talked to him, and Youngsoo wanted to establish a connection, but his son was closed off; one day, he just stopped taking his calls. His father couldn't ask for anything, he knew he had no rights, so he had given up. 

But the boy called him back, and Youngsoo was so relieved and anxious that he asked Jaemin to meet him, to which the boy did not answer. He did not think Jaemin would appear, Youngsoo had given up, but there he was. 

Youngsoo told him everything. He explained that the only way he had of making money was fishing, and he owed money already. His company had laid him off, he was doing some freelance work for now, but it wasn't going to hold out for much longer. The groups that would take him and provide them some stability were the king crab companies, and for that, he would have to stay months at sea.

The social services were already wary of the family; if Youngsoo left, he would lose his children. Jaemin was alert as well, it was obvious the signs of neglect on the kids.

Jaemin noticed they didn't attend school while he visited, Jaewon would mostly wear shirts that looked like it belonged to an adult. Jaein's hair was unkempt, they were mostly left to fend for themselves, playing with whatever they could get their hands onto.

His father was asking a lot from him, and Jaemin would not be getting much in return. 

But every time he came back to their house, he would hear Jaein laugh, and Jaewon try to pull the big brother card way too much, and he was enamored with the kids.

And for the first time since he could remember, Jaemin wanted to be there, he wanted to be  _ somewhere _ . He felt needed, and he wanted to help. The void in his soul was pushed aside by a rush of emotions, it hurt, but it was also proof he would be okay.

Jaemin had a lot of questions about his siblings, the house, and the city. He needed to know a lot of things if he was going to live there for a while, he was already _ sure  _ he would live there for a while. 

The questions were all simple: does anyone have an allergy, where is their school, which time they wake up, what medication their grandma takes, and his father didn't have the answer to any of them.

Youngsoo introduced Jaemin to his few fisherman friends, they were all older than his father and told the boy his dad would talk about him a lot. Jaemin did not believe that but thanked them anyway.

His father reeked of alcohol, not even Donghyuck - who enjoyed his liquor - would smell like that. His putrid breath came from a mixture of booze and an untreated ulcer, making it difficult for his son to stay close.

Youngsoo left not long after; he would stay away for three to four months, and after that, Jaemin would be free to leave. 

Jaemin's presence became a constant, whether Jaewon liked it or not - and the boy hated it. They needed help, and there was no one else to turn to, all their neighbors were already fed up with their situation.

"I will not call you  _ hyung _ ." The little boy had told him, his voice so determined that Jaemin couldn't help but smile. Jaewon was too adorable in his eyes - and it pissed the kid off. " _ Stop  _ smiling." He would tell him.

The good part of being in the swimming team for so long was that Jaemin had won quite a few swimming competitions, to which the prizes would be money. The money he had saved up from his part-time jobs in high school, what his mother had left him, and the prize money were enough to keep him afloat, he wasn't spending much anyway.

His grandmother would call him by his father name most of the time, Jaein was scared of him after the whole debacle with their father, and Jaewon wanted his big brother gone. It wasn't easy, and every day Jaemin would get more fatigued. 

Even so, the tiredness he felt was nothing compared to how it was before, he finally had a goal, even if it was for a short while. Jaemin had a  _ purpose _ .

Sometimes their grandma would leave the house, and Jaemin had to run through the neighborhood to look for her. After a few times of this happening, he realized she would always go to the place she used to work in - a local shop where she used to be a hairdresser. The site did not exist anymore, disappearing with the change of times; however, her memories were still alive. 

The elderly woman would talk a lot about her job, she truly loved it, and the days she was more lucid, she would finally cut the kid's hair with Jaemin's assistance. Those were the days he would see her eyes shine, and get a glimpse of the woman she once was. Jaemin was positive he would've liked his grandmother.

Once, he let her cut his hair, and when she talked about missing coloring hair, he went to a salon and bought dye. All the colors available were shades of brown or pink, and since he knew Jaein liked pink, he thought it wouldn't hurt to get on her good side like that as well. 

When he told his grandmother the plan, the excitement on her side was palpable, she didn't wait to start the process, and the woman was so happy with the result that it satisfied Jaemin as well.

The pink hair was something he had to get used to, but Jaein liked it. The little girl started bringing back her drawings from school, and when she had to draw her family, Jaemin noticed there was the addition of a pink-haired person. 

He went with Jaein to the dentist; she screamed and cried, the girl had never seen all those equipment before, which scared her to death. He stayed with her, held her hand, and tried not to cry alongside the little girl.

Jaemin's little brother was difficult. He was too used to being the responsible one around the house, so every chance he would get, he defied Jaemin's authority. 

Jaemin noticed Jaewon had the habit of drawing. He would stay hours doodling on his notebooks and tell Jaein the stories he created with the pictures. The little girl would spend most of her time taking care and talking to the garden flowers - the few they had.

The kids got new clothes, ones that would actually fit them; Jaewon tried to act indifferent, but still thanked Jaemin unwillingly. The boy got really excited when Jaemin gave him a new set of coloring pencils, Jaein received a gardening kit. Still, Jaemin had to handle the worms on the garden as she would get too scared of them.

"I need you to get the squiggly things for me." Jaein never called them worms, as she thought the word was ugly, and they would be sad with her if she did. Still, she never touched one of them, and when Jaewon would get a worm and taunt her with it, she would cry in Jaemin's arms until she calmed down.

And as time passed by, they got closer.

They had a routine, Jaemin would walk them to school - for the first time in a while, the kids were regularly attending -, then he would go back and stay with their grandma, cook, and bring their siblings back from school. 

Jaemin enrolled himself for the Extended Family Program to become a temporary guardian of Jaewon and Jaein, he managed to get five months on the program. Since he was their brother and had the means to support himself, there wasn't much problem with the social workers - it was far better for the kids mentally than putting them in foster care. 

The kids were happy with the situation. There were no more scary visits from the social workers, they had an agreement, and they would only come when Jaemin was notified. No more appearing unannounced. 

"Hyung, can't you make them not come?" Jaewon asked Jaemin one night. The elder did not have to ask who he was talking about, Jaewon was pretty adamant about not liking the social workers.

They were sitting at the doorstep of their house, eating popsicles. Jaewon was doing well at school; his homeroom teacher had complimented him, and Jaemin wanted to reward him with something.

"They still have to check up on you," Jaemin tried to explain, "What if I was mean to you? They would have to take me away."

"But you're not?" 

Those were the times Jaemin would be hit with how young they were, how could he explain the grownup world to these two little kids? He didn't want to.

"Jaewon is the mean one," Jaein concluded their conversation, making Jaemin laugh, and Jaewon give her the stink eye.

Their grandmother's mental state was worsening rapidly, and it became too much for the three of them to handle alone. She had to be hospitalized. 

Jaewon, at first, tried to fight Jaemin on the decision. It was funny and depressing how this little kid tried to rule everything, as if it were his duty. Staying in their house was starting to be dangerous for their grandmother, they did not have the medical equipment or training to help her, so there was nothing they could do. 

Jaemin promised they would visit her as much as humanly possible, and the kids finally agreed to it. 

They would still get regular visits from the social workers, Jaemin did not mind like his siblings obviously did. He was almost glad to know the kids were being watched over; that someone kept tabs on them. Jaemin didn't know until when he would be able to stay with them, so getting to know the social workers was a good thing.

And he got acquainted with all three workers who would be in charge of the visits, he made sure to exchange numbers and get updates if anything happened. 

Jaemin would sleep between his siblings whenever it rained. They were particularly scared of rain; their grandmother used to be restless whenever their father was out in the sea, and it was raining. Therefore the kids associated the rain with dangerous things.

And just like that, Jaemin couldn't remember a time when he did not have two kids following around wherever he went. Jaein would bring him flowers from the school garden and try to help him when he had to go to the market, Jaewon started to show him his drawings and tell him his stories. 

Jaewon had a fascination with the outer space, he loved talking about it, telling Jaemin facts about stars and black holes. Most of his stories had something to do with astronauts and new planets he would discover once he was an adult.

Everyone in the neighborhood knew of Jaemin now, the boy from Youngsoo's last marriage, who left his life in Seoul to help his dad take care of kids he never met. 

The elderly would speak praises of him - even if they did not like his pink hair -, but Jaemin knew the reality was nothing like that. The truth was that Jaemin needed a break, and he was just as selfish as Youngsoo, he was using them as well. 

Their grandmother seemed to be stable now that she was on better medication and constant supervision, the only problem was that it was a lot more expensive than Jaemin thought it would be. Therefore, he made a deal with the clinic, he worked as a voluntary and got a discount for their grandma. 

It seemed that all the animosity Youngsoo collected from their neighborhood did not reach his children. People started dropping by to ask if they needed any help and give them stews and pies.

Some parents even tried to introduce their daughters to Jaemin, and the boy would always politely decline any chance of romantic involvement. Considering his last romantic partners, Jaemin thought the situation was funny. 

Even the clinic's administration was sympathetic towards Jaemin, they let him work there while his siblings would go to school, so he would not leave the kids alone. 

Youngsoo came back after four months, and he still reeked of alcohol. He appeared in the middle of the night, Jaemin woke up startled by the noises, and once he saw his father wasted, he tried his best to put him to bed without waking up his siblings.

His father's drinking problem had only been aggravated on the boat. He was dependant, and now that he was back, seeing how Jaemin had adapted to the family and neighborhood, he started to resent the boy. He made it seem too easy in just a few months, while Youngsoo struggled for his whole life.

The few months of peace were over, and Jaemin was unsure what he would do now, it didn't seem reasonable to leave two kids with a drunk man. What else was there to do?

Youngsoo would pick fights with his older son, tell him he was back and that he could leave, he even tried to give him money - as if what Jaemin had done could be solved as a simple transaction. 

Jaemin was worried for the kids. Jaewon tried to get his father's attention every time, so he wouldn't lash out on Jaemin, talking about any topic, clearly desperate. Jaein started to get scared of Youngsoo, which only infuriated him further. 

Their altercations never got physical, but there were a few times Jaemin thought they would. Youngsoo would do his best to upset him, scream at him, and even break objects around the house, clearly taking out his anger towards his elder son.

The police began to show up whenever Youngsoo would yell or to escort him home when he was too drunk. 

Jaemin started to sleep between the kids all of the nights, to keep an eye out. He wouldn't really sleep, taking a few naps in between, his mind too wary to relax.

And he took it all, not because he was scared, or couldn't fight back. Jaemin endured because his father had no way of taking care of two kids right now, and he wasn't going to let them be.

Still, Jaemin had never faced this type of situation. Once the social workers knocked again on their door, Youngsoo's outbursts were enough to set back every single accomplishment that Jaemin and the kids had.

Their house was no longer a safe environment for Jaein and Jaewon. Jaemin's time on the Extended Family Program had already ended. Even if he would like to prolong the case, he would have to go through the guardian, and his father was too drunk to care or allow.

Youngsoo ended up losing the custody of his kids. 

And Jaemin ended up breaking his promise.

If Jaeun had not talked before because she wanted to make Jaemin uncomfortable, now she couldn't out of pure shock.

Jaemin's eyes went from pure adoration while talking about siblings Jaeun just now discovered she had, to disgust towards himself by the end of his story.

"She looks so much like you," his voice was shaky, Jaemin sounded broken, "You'll love her. You'll love Jaewon too."

And that was when she understood why he wanted to tell her everything, why he waited. 

Jaemin was never someone who would seek out conflicts; if he could never talk about this and not let Jaeun know, he would have. 

If he was talking, he had a plan. And Jaeun did not like that.

"Absolutely not." Her voice sounded harsh, harsher than she thought she would've said. Jaemin looked at her, his shocked expression flashing and transforming into resolve.

"I'm not asking for your permission, noona." His voice sounded so foreign, so mature.

Since when did her little brother grow up so much?

She was not okay with it, she would not allow it.

Jaemin had come back, and of course, he was worried about Jaeun and her situation, but that was not the goal. He had to create a stable living situation, he had to get a job, start school again, have a home. 

Because he was going to fight for the custody of his siblings. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE I BOTHERED BECAUSE OF THIS ONE CHAPTER HAHAHAHA  
> This isn't even the end of the fic, but I should thank everyone because this chapter was in the making for over three weeks now, and it was a ride.  
> Thank you to the lovely gals who betaed this chapter, who gave their thoughts on how to express all the emotions and sensitive topics towards this one flashback, all of you were wonderful. Thank you for listening to me rambling at 3 am, and rereading the same part over and over cause I decided to change a few words. I AM SORRY.  
> Also, Alex, who stopped his research to read this one chapter for a fic he isn't even following and proceeded to nag me about my writing, thank you. You are totally valid, I still won't take all of your directions, but it sure helped.  
> Additionally, to the people who sent me lovely comments here and on cc, you were terrific. I was super close to skipping on my upload schedule (I know, I'm sorry), as I felt a bit unmotivated, but I got such a cute comment a few days ago that just made it all worth it.  
> If you have any additional questions or anything at all, feel free to hit me up, we can discuss whatever you'd like.  
> Oh! I'm getting back to my classes at college this week, so I might have to either update shorter chapters every week or continue the 5k to 8k chapters but It will take a little longer, what do you all prefer?  
> Have a great weekend, we'll be back on the happy train pretty soon.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today there's no trigger :D thank you for bearing with me the last chapter, your reactions were lovely!  
> [spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4A8yyS6TLlglvsBWyirQd1?si=-uQs6aaZS127QgM5oJaMFw)  
> [pinterest board](https://br.pinterest.com/clariexyz/1-his-tattoos/)  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/clariexyz)  
>   
> Songs that helped a lot with this chapter: Superposition by Young the Giant and Sit Next to Me by Foster the People.  
> Ok, enjoy this monster of a chapter today!

Their entire conversation could be resumed with Jaeun attacking her brother's inability to make careful, mature decisions and Jaemin's incapacity to properly defend himself. They were back to being kids, when Jaeun wanted to donate her teddy bears, and Jaemin threw a fuss to keep them, the years passing and his bed covered with all their old stuffed animals - too proud and sensitive to let them go, even if he would sneeze all night because of the dust collected on them.

Except for this time, they were not discussing which teddy bear they were getting rid of; they were talking about major life decisions that nobody should be taking at the prime age of twenty-two. It baffled Jaeun just how stubborn her brother could get; after over two decades in this world, she thought he would have learned to yield a little.

But of course not, this was Jaemin, with his heart of gold and head of steel, the same little boy who would try to pick a fight with all of Jaeun's suitors, the one who did not cry even if he fell and it hurt like hell - because he didn't want his sister to worry -, the small child and grown man who put his friends and family before him every time. That was his best and worst trait. 

"Jaemin, no." Jaeun was starting to sound like a scratched cd, repeating the same words over and over, hoping they would somehow get through her brother's thick head. 

Jaemin had envisioned many reactions from Jaeun, this one was by far the tamest out of his imagination. She disagreed with him, but she wasn't raising her voice, her whole stance was surprisingly civilized, and that was throwing Jaemin off. 

Jaeun had always been the more mature sibling. She was the oldest and, living with one working parent, that would put her in a place of responsibility. She wasn't allowed a childhood; she had to help out, remind her mom of the bills, take care of Jaemin. In that case, she was never a sister, but a second mother; where comradeship should have blossomed between her and her brother, there was only respect and concession.

Next to Jaeun, Jaemin was nothing but a kid trying to play house. 

"We're not talking about helping out for a few months," she reasoned, "we're talking about lifetime commitment, do you understand that?"

Jaemin could draw a two-hour speech out of his soul, move mountains, discover a new element, and he was sure Jaeun would not believe him; still, he tried. "Yes."

She did not buy into that. Mainly because she had the  _ experience  _ , and as much as Jaemin thought he could be doing the right thing, taking care of kids was not easy. "You don't," Of course she wasn't going to accept his resolve. "There's so much to think about."

Jaemin could try and argue, but he saw it would be a lost cause that night. He could try and talk about how he did not pull this out of anywhere; Jaemin actually tried to track the kids' mom before he came to this conclusion; he spoke to the social workers - his lawyer was a friend of one of the workers from Pohang -, he weighed his losses. No damage could be more significant than having to wake up every day, recognizing he did not know where Jaewon and Jaein were.

He had a case; it wouldn't be easy, but he had a chance, and he took it.

"I know," He said, hoping his eyes would give out the answers she was looking for. "You're not going to listen to anything I have to say anymore, will you?" 

Jaemin couldn't blame his sister, and he figured she would be against it, but it still hurt, and most of all, it  _ annoyed  _ him. The prickly feeling on his chest growing with every minute her expressions would turn more skeptical, doubting his choices. 

And it really wasn't her fault, because Jaemin never tried talking to her before, he just bottled things up, and he moved on. But he spent way too much of his own time doubting himself; this was the one time he was sure, so sure of what to do, it was almost an offense Jaeun couldn't see it as well. 

"Are you  _ listening  _ to what I'm saying?" She replied, her tone far from friendly.

He had to breathe in and out a few times, remembering Jaeun was only taking this stance because she was concerned for him, she was looking out for him even if Jaemin didn't want that. The other part of his brain, the bigger part, was starting to get angry, because going against this meant not changing their siblings' circumstances. That was just outrageous; those kids were his kids, and whoever implied he shouldn't try was utterly insane.

"I am,"  _ Sadly  _ , he wanted to add. "I also told you I don't care for what you think."

That wasn't entirely accurate; he told her he did not need permission - which was true -, but not having Jaeun with him would be devastating. 

He was harsh, and now Jaeun also looked hurt, taken aback because of her brother's words. They didn't know where to stop, they didn't see eye to eye, there was only one way out, and it was fighting.

"Well," Jaeun did not back down, "then, why are you telling me all this?"

She was petty, and they both knew; this was a private and delicate matter, it was almost harmful to ask something like that. Jaemin wanted to talk to her because she was his family, and she had the right to know; this would affect her life too, and he wanted her to be in the kids' lives as well.

"Because I thought you would like to know?"

"That you're throwing your life away?" She asked, rolling her eyes. "Thank you for the heads up, that was lovely."

"Don't be ridiculous," He started, but couldn't talk much since Jaeun jumped on that.

"I am not the one being ridiculous, you are."

If their mother could see them right now, she would slap their heads and tell them to be mature about it. Unfortunately, there was no one to stop this exchange, so they kept going, calling names, discussing shallow threats for bigger issues. 

In the end, there was something she needed to say, and it wasn't something he wanted to hear, but if he was honest with her, Jaeun should also give him the same treatment.

"Jaemin, I'm not helping," She told him, resolution in her voice. "And I'm not complying either."

And if Jaemin could feel his heart cracking before, now it was broken, the tiny pieces falling on the ground, a faint sound, a mortifying motion. Even if they disagreed, it had always been the two against the world; he didn't need her approval, but denying shelter was never a thing he thought she would do.

"I'm not asking you to." He managed to find his voice, even with the lump on his throat.

"Just so we're clear," she stomped on his heart some more, "I'm not going to clean up after you, okay?"

He scoffed, the nerve she had to say something like that to him, "There will be nothing to clean up after," Jaemin noted; this was insulting. "Have some faith, will you?"

The silence that dawned upon them was enough proof to understand why she was giving him the ultimatum, why she was stepping back before he could even begin. Jaeun didn't think he was capable; she did not trust him to positively impact the kids' lives, she saw only one outcome for them, and it ended up with three broken hearts. 

_ Faith  _ .

It was uncalled for; Jaemin was never out of line and never gave Jaeun too much of a headache; he always thought of her first. Thinking it would hinder Jaemin's life was one thing, but doubting he could provide a stable and caring home was too much - he was never one to half-ass anything; if he was doing this, he would do it right.

"Oh," Jaemin lamented, he got it now. "Oh, okay."

"Jaemin-"

"No," This time, he was the one who did not let her speak. "I see it."

She wasn't going to admit it, because it would make her look like she was a bad mother, but all Jaeun wanted was for Jaemin to get what she didn't have; he deserved to have a better life, without people tying him down.

And he was stupid if he couldn't see that.

"Jaeun," Jaemin tried. "I'm doing this whether you like it or not."

With that, he got up from his chair, taking advantage of the fact that his sister would take much more time to do those simple tasks as she was pregnant. 

"You're not," She didn't try to get up, "sit down, we're not done."

Jaemin was. He could say something he could regret tomorrow, so it was better to leave when all they exchanged were childish insults. 

"Call me when you're ready to be mature and have a talk," He asked. "I'll be waiting."

Renjun did not hear from Jaemin for the rest of the day. The boy never came home, texted, called, or simply sent him any smoke signal; at that point, Renjun was accepting anything, really.

He wouldn't be as nervous had he not seen Jaemin's terrorized face once he got up to leave the room; Renjun wondered if his own face was mirroring the boy, if he also looked panicked while greeting Jaeun, if anything gave away the feelings and actions he welcomed that afternoon. 

Renjun had a lot to do at home, he'd been neglecting his assignments and readings, and at last, his midterms were coming up. There hadn't been a semester he felt so out of it, and he couldn't help but think the rest of his academic life would pass in a similar manner. 

However, he could not focus for the life of him. He was not sure for whom he worried more, Jaeun, or Jaemin. Either way, he couldn't think of anything that wasn't the siblings for too long. 

He tried cooking - but he couldn't find half of the ingredients in his home anymore -, thought about painting - but that would put too much pressure on his hand -, and eventually, he gave up and decided that a shower might relax him.

It helped with his body fatigue, but it did not help ease his mind. Showers were usually a place of introspection for Renjun, and everything in his head screamed worries; it was hard to shush your own mind when all it wanted was to go back and make sure your people were okay. 

Finally giving up, he texted Jisung to know the name of the awful indie game he and Donghyuck were so into lately; maybe if Renjun had something to occupy his mind with, he wouldn't see the time passing.

Jisung texted back right away, sent voice messages too, giving clear instructions of what he had to do and what server he had to be on, the game was online, and they could meet; that way, Jisung could explain the gameplay better. 

Donghyuck was busy, but he gave up what he was doing when Jisung texted him, telling Renjun was trying out their game. Renjun rarely played anything with them, so if he was willing to test something new, Donghyuck had to be there as well; who knows when this would happen again - probably never, Renjun and Mark were always the two in the corner of the room, chatting while the others took turns playing.

The game was stupid; his laptop was not made for it, so it lagged a little, but what infuriated Renjun was how little sense the game would make. Jisung tried telling the story behind it - Donghyuck didn't even bother; he was too busy laughing at Renjun's poor gaming skills -, but it all just sounded like a glorified battle game with weird graphics. 

Renjun kept playing and losing. It worked to keep his mind off Jaemin, his concentration being solely on his slow character who didn't seem to obey his commands. He gave up after a while, even more unsure why his friends were hyping this so much; although he couldn't complain too much, it helped with his stress. He bid Jisung and Hyuck their goodbyes and logged off.

Renjun had already given up on being productive that day; therefore, he grabbed a bag of chips and decided to surf the channels on his tv, looking for something that would get his attention, something to keep him awake while he waited for Jaemin.

Next thing he knew, his awful alarm was ringing, and he was still on the couch, where he had fallen asleep yesterday. The unfamiliarity of not sleeping on his bed made him disoriented; something else was bothering him even more. 

Renjun rarely woke up with his alarm these days, Jaemin would pop in his house before it started to ring, and he would wake up to the boy's smile and chatter. Today, there was nothing of the sort; the only thing filling Renjun's flat was the noise coming from his cellphone. 

He looked for his phone, unlocked it; there were no messages, he realized he didn't charge it at night, and it was already on the brink of death. And then, he decided he had waited for too long; if Jaemin broke their routine, there could be something wrong, and he should go check on him. Renjun wasn't sure if he was more worried because Jaemin wasn't there or relieved because Jaemin not being there gave him a reason to look for him. 

Renjun got up, forgot he was wearing his indoor slippers, was still in pajamas, and had not checked his face at all, just to go down the flight of stairs quickly and knock on Jaemin's door. 

He didn't get an answer right away, and Renjun was almost sure he might have stayed at Jaeun's place, maybe they talked until late at night; he was close to giving up when the door opened.

Jaemin appeared before him, with messy hair and mind, barefoot and squinting his eyes because of the light, clearly woken up by the noise. He looked wrecked, the way people do when they wake up startled, heart on his fist, and out of breath.

Renjun felt an insane amount of guilt, to realize he might have been overzealous, and Jaemin was just sleeping in. The state he was in couldn't be better than Jaemin's, so at least it was visible he was also distressed.

Managing to open one eye, Jaemin stood on the door, a lazy smile on a curious face, waiting for Renjun to say something.

"I'm sorry," Renjun answered a question that was not made. "You never came home, and I panicked."

Jaemin scratched his abdomen under his shirt, not understanding why him going to bed would cause this sort of commotion until yesterday's memories came back to him. He had finally told Jaeun, they argued, and the only reason he went straight to bed was that he was emotionally drained. 

Not only that, but on a rush of courage, he had also kissed Renjun.

He let his arm fall to his side, suddenly too aware of his own body, hyperfocused on the fact that he could hear his own heartbeat too loud in his ears, and maybe Renjun could hear it too.

Was it too early in the morning to self-combust? Would he seem rude if he tried?

"It's fine," Jaemin replied, his voice hoarse and his mouth dry. He lied; nothing was fine, but it wasn't Renjun's fault either, "Come on in." He stepped away from the door, to give Renjun space to enter his home. 

Renjun took a step inside when Jaemin interceded, almost crashing on him; he stood by the door again, blocking the entrance. Renjun had to take a step back and send him a questioning glance.

"Actually, no," Jaemin explained, voice higher and still hoarse, "we should go to your place, I'm hungry."

The inside of Jaemin's house was a mess these last few days, and he wasn't ready to have that part of his life so out in the open. Jaemin went around collecting and filling the documents he needed, having piles of research papers, one particular bundle a background check on his father - which he didn't dare to read through -, books from college and house listings. All parts of his life were laid out for him to see, to get used to the concept before having to officially commit to it - he was strangely calm with the added responsibility, but he needed to ease Renjun into it.

Flustered with the sudden movement and turn of events, Renjun agreed. He went to find Jaemin because he felt it was strange the boy was not in his house by the time he woke up, so it was fine by him if Jaemin wanted to stay at his place; it was what they always did anyway.

Jaemin didn't change his clothes; he grabbed his slippers and followed Renjun back to his place, aware that the boy wasn't that presentable either. 

This wasn't new to Jaemin, as he was the one who would always wake up Renjun, so he got to see him disoriented and sleepy almost every day. The day Renjun understood he could have a few extra minutes of sleep and be woken up by the smell of food, he decided to ditch his first alarms and only kept the ones to alert him he had to get going to make it on time to his classes.

Which meant he was already late, but that did not really matter at the moment.

What mattered was that this was a new side of Jaemin; usually, when Renjun opened his eyes, the boy would already be dressed to go, with his beaming smile that sometimes would anger Renjun in the morning, no signs of ever being sleepy. Today, he was caught off guard; Jaemin had messy hair - one side puffed while the other was flat -, his face had clear pillow lines, and he couldn't keep his eyes open for long periods, still adjusting to the light. 

He looked vulnerable, soft, and Renjun couldn't help but think Jaemin must've been the prettiest kid ever back in the day.

Inside Renjun's flat, Jaemin went right to the kitchen, assuming his role as the cook. He started taking the ingredients, and Renjun remembered to notify Jaemin before it was too late.

"We don't have salt," Renjun sat on the couch, watching as Jaemin got everything out of his fridge.

The boy looked at him, confused. "Yes, we do."

"We don't," Renjun was sure of it, "I looked for it yesterday."

Jaemin turned around and opened the cabinet closest to the stove, and realization settled on Renjun as he saw the salt shaker appear on Jaemin's hand. 

They had decided to keep the condiments closer to the stove, as it was easier to reach for them if they ever needed it - before, Renjun would just keep them on the counter, and it would clutter after a while. This idea came from Jaemin after a lot of nagging, and Renjun only complied. 

Jaemin looked into the boy's wide eyes, and a smile crept onto his face, incredulous. "Be honest, you don't really listen to me, do you?"

"After a while, your nagging becomes white noise," Renjun confessed, to which his friend cackled.

Jaemin seemed comfortable, maybe a little too carefree, and Renjun wondered if he did manage to talk to Jaeun. Maybe he got scared and decided to try another day; he wouldn't blame him if that were the case.

While he watched Jaemin gather all the things he needed, Renjun decided to ask. "How did it go?" 

Jaemin did not look at him; he kept cutting the zucchinis. "Well, she didn't hit me." He answered.

That was also a new part of his diet: Renjun ate zucchinis now. And almost on a daily basis too, because Jaemin kept lecturing about how they ate poorly, and he finally gave in, they decided to buy more greens, and zucchinis were becoming one of his favorites.

"Was that a possible outcome?" Renjun asked, unsure why Jaemin would even think that.

The thing with Renjun and Jaeun's friendship was that their crazy impulses  _ aligned  _ , so what other people thought was out of line, they would think it was perfectly normal. Renjun was Jaeun's yes-man, she was his, and that was a dangerous combo.

"I don't know." Jaemin shrugged. "My head went there once."

Renjun realized Jaemin's demeanor must've been a façade; he wasn't really okay, just trying to look like he was. That was Renjun's specialty.

"I'm sorry," Renjun told him, "do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really." Jaemin was focused on cooking; he knew if he started, he would ramble and would be slower at finishing his dish. "Maybe after we eat."

There were many things Renjun wanted to talk to him about, there was this particular thought in his head that would scream at him, but he thought there were far more critical topics before he could ask about it. 

So Renjun agreed, he asked if Jaemin needed help - he tried helping until Jaemin saw Renjun wasn't doing how he wanted and shooed the boy back to the couch. Renjun resorted to talking about the new student he received on Art Class, a clueless eight-year-old who was clearly too excited to be there. 

They didn't touch on any heavy subject; Renjun gave Jaemin space - the only thing he could give him was that, and time -, he set the table when he realized the food was almost ready, finally having something to do. 

Things went back to their morning routine; Jaemin sat down and handed Renjun his bowl. As they ate and talked, he would feel his agitation declining, calmness settling in, lazy and effective. It was Renjun and the way he would know when to stop, anticipate, but give Jaemin his time - that was why he felt so comfortable; somehow, Renjun had this effect on him.

As it turned out, Jaemin did not wait until they finished eating, because as soon as his stomach wasn't grumbling anymore, he had the time and peace of mind to remember the amount of stress that he went through yesterday. 

He decided to tell how Jaeun reacted first because Renjun was bouncing one leg under the table - so hard it sometimes bumped on it -, a clear sign of being anxious. Renjun tried so hard to be calm; he was so caught up in his head with his relaxed performance that he did not realize his actions and voice sounded far from casual; he was eager - too embarrassed to ask again, too involved to let go. Jaemin could understand why, he would also be crawling up the walls to find out what happened if the situations were reversed. 

The situation was somehow funny to Jaemin; when he came back, he was terrified of facing Jaeun, didn't know how to talk to Jeno or Mark, spent nights plotting ways to tell his friends and family the new path he chose for himself. 

And yet, when he thought about telling Renjun, he was fine with it. He wanted to. 

Renjun was the first one of his immediate circle of friends who received any kind of information about where he had been, and maybe it was because of how Renjun handled that first piece of information, but Jaemin felt extremely relaxed around the boy. There was no doubt in his mind that Renjun, with his fiery temper and baggy shirts, would be on his side.

They didn't care about time; Renjun kept eating mostly to keep his mouth occupied while he heard Jaemin describe last evening with his sister. This time, Renjun got the whole story; he learned about the pink hair, how Jaemin managed to win a little girl's heart with it, how this fierce little boy tried to lock Jaemin out of his house more than once, how their grandma's fast decay was a surprise. 

Renjun understood why Jaeun would want to hit Jaemin, and he really couldn't condemn her for it; this wasn't a piece of information you just sat on and revealed when you felt like it, this had such a huge impact, and she should've learned sooner. He realized why she would be angry, she had every right to. Renjun didn't share blood with any of them, and yet, with every minute passing, his leg would shake more, worry filling him up.

However, he could not ignore how calm Jaemin was; it was a visible contrast to how he felt right now. Jaemin talked about an alcoholic father like it wasn't a big deal, about having to sign his grandmother to a home like it was just another Monday, about being the sole caretaker of two kids he had never met before as if that just happens sometimes.

Renjun couldn't understand Jaemin's mind, but he worried for it. That was out of his reach, a reality he knew nothing about and could only imagine through what Jaemin was telling, and he didn't get it, but he listened.

"How are they?" Renjun asked. 

The question caught Jaemin off guard, and when he finally closed his mouth after talking for so long, he realized how thirsty he was. Jaemin got up to get himself a glass of water, pondering if Renjun would elaborate on his query. 

He wasn't, so Jaemin asked, "What?" 

"Your siblings."

"What do you mean?" Jaemin gestured to the water, a silent question to see if Renjun would also like a cup; the elder nodded. 

"I mean," Renjun further explained, Jaemin gave him his glass and sat back on the chair, "how are they like?"

That wasn't something Jaemin thought he would have to explain; he had been so consumed with telling their story, getting to the technical and complex parts of it, he didn't have time to present his kids. 

There was so much to talk about Jaewon and Jaein. 

Jaewon, with his ominous universe stories, his strict sense of duty, a boy who was more mature than most people Jaemin knew, who also gave him the biggest smile when he received a colored pencil set. Knowing Jaewon was an  _ experience  _ ; he was a challenge, too wary of people to fully acknowledge Jaemin as an ally, but wanting badly to turn him into one. He loved and hated with the same intensity, and that would make everyone around him dizzy trying to catch up.

Jaein had to be the human embodiment of light; her laughter was contagious, her compassion eternal, she would crumble down and pick herself up so fast, it would leave Jaemin wondering if he imagined things. Jaein was unafraid to show emotions, and she mostly had positive ones; she was her brother's stop sign, the one who would make him apologize, who kept him in line. 

The siblings were fun to be around, two sides of the same coin, complementing and supporting each other. Even with all the stress of yesterday, with the doubts his older sister tried to deposit on him, Jaemin couldn't wait to see the kids again, to get them, to return to their unusual peace. 

"How are you staying in touch?" Renjun asked him, curious as to how he never really learned any of that before. 

Jaemin was smart with his time, and when it came to the kids, he tried his best to not have any unnecessary stress getting to them. They talked mostly at night when he knew they would be home; he sent voice messages to remind them of their duties and would receive updates from the social workers and the home they were staying at. 

"I gave Jaewon my old cellphone," Jaemin explained, "We text, I call, but he doesn't answer most of the time, he doesn't talk for long, just passes the phone to Jaein and lets her tell me about their day."

Renjun smiled, mostly because Jaemin was smiling too, "Do you think he's mad at you?"

"No," Jaemin answered, "not exactly at me, but Jaewon is tough, there's a lot there to unpack with him, and it should not be done by phone."

Renjun agreed; some feelings could never be perceived through a phonecall. He could understand that better than anyone, having lived his college life an ocean away from his family, getting to see them sparsely, wishing happy birthdays, and holidays through the cold touch of an internet connection. 

For the first time that morning, Jaemin looked at the clock, taken aback by the time. 

"Shit," Jaemin realized, "Renjun, you're missing your class."

Jaemin was also missing his, but he was far more concerned for the boy in front of him at the table. 

"It's fine, I'll catch the others," Renjun didn't care, "you have classes too."

He said the second part with more judgment in his tone; why was Jaemin singling him out? They had just as many obligations; if Renjun was skipping his classes, Jaemin was as well. 

"I decided I'm not going today," Jaemin replied; he tossed and turned all night, and it was evident by the dark shadows under his eyes that he was tired. If he went to his classes, he would end up bumping heads with the table, so it was better to stay home. 

"Oh," So that was why Jaemin slept in, the fact that Renjun was so eager to find him this morning made Renjun want to punch himself, "Do you want company?"

Jaemin smiled; he could give up on sleeping to spend more time with Renjun. "Sure, I would like that."

"That is so fucking typical of him!" Jaeun exclaims, exasperated. 

Renjun is hit with the sensation of Deja Vu, so strong that he checks the date and time on his cellphone, just to make sure he didn't somehow time-travel to months before when Jaeun first came to him furiously.

Of course, the topic of conversation was Jaemin. There was never a time in Renjun and Jaeun's friendship that the woman came home so mad and it  _ wasn't  _ about Jaemin. Not even her ex-husband got this type of emotion out of her, because with him she could be vindictive, Jaemin was still her little brother, and she would give up her whole fortune to keep him safe. 

So Jaeun had to resort to cursing him - away from Jaemin, of course, his feelings were not to be taken lightly. 

This time, Renjun was smart enough to prepare the coffee - she always made it too strong; now that he knew Jaemin, Renjun was starting to wonder if their family had a problem. The woman was nearing her due date, and the doctor had advised to keep her away from heavy dosages of caffeine; therefore, they had decaf in the pantry, but Jaeun would  _ magically  _ forget it every time and try to brew regular coffee. 

She spent most of her day in a coffee shop, and Renjun had no way of knowing if she was abiding by the practices the doctor had recommended, so the least he could do was get her not to have caffeine while at home. 

Jaehwan had settled for sitting on the floor of the kitchen with his coloring book. He first tried to take Renjun away from Jaeun, pulling him to his room to play, but his mother needed to vent, and Renjun quickly went back to where she was. The toddler was not happy, but he did not dare to vocalize his annoyance when Jaeun was so angry.

Jaeun was sitting on the stool, so Renjun placed the mug on the counter in front of her; he filled his own with decaf as well, and from the first sip, he could understand why Jaeun was against drinking that.

_ Maybe it was the brand?  _ He would have to ask around for recommendations the next time they went grocery shopping.

"How can he drop something like that out of nowhere?" She asks, more to herself than Renjun. 

Tired of being the audience, he chimed in, "I don't think he was expecting all of this when it first started."

Jaeun, who was mindlessly looking at her coffee, snapped her head up to look at Renjun. "I'm not talking about the beginning, I don't care how it started," She thought she was simply explaining, but her words and tone were mean, "I'm talking about this." she gestured to her own kitchen, and Renjun had a hard time following. "Why the  _ fuck  _ does he think he can take care of two kids?"

Jaeun had a rule not to curse in front of her kid, so she just mouthed the word fuck, clear enough, and thus, Renjun could guess she was still fuming, even after half an hour of slandering Jaemin.

" _ I  _ can't take care of two kids," She finished it off. 

It's no secret Jaemin's decision would baffle everyone, which was probably why he kept it hidden for so long. 

Renjun remembered weeks ago when he found Jaemin sitting on the floor of his apartment, talking on the phone about documents and stuff he couldn't figure out at the time. Renjun had asked him if it was his dad, Jaemin had found it funny, which confused him a lot, but now it made sense. He was probably already pulling strings to make it all happen.

"Of course you can," Renjun retorted. One problem at a time, if they were going to go down that rabbit hole, he wouldn't be able to go home today. "and you'll have me, Jaemin, even Taehwan if he decides to exist for more than three minutes." 

Renjun could even argue that she did not  _ need  _ Taehwan, but that would also diverge their conversation, and he wouldn't manage to get home.

The woman shared his desire to not escalate this talk beyond Jaemin, so she dialed it back down. 

"I was so harsh with him," She remembered the look in her brother's eyes.

"So I heard," Renjun was caught in between the siblings, both of them coming to him to talk shit about each other. Renjun would find it annoying if it wasn't for the fact that hearing both sides gave him full scope of what was happening and how their lives were before he came around.

"But I was right," She argued.

"Were you?" Renjun asked, "I mean, I guess it's fine to think about it, it's okay to express your concern too, but you were kinda cruel."

"Could you not side with him?" Jaeun was frustrated now; it wasn't fun to have all her comments torn apart; Renjun didn't realize how he was coming off.

"I'm not," He answered. It was the truth; the boy had no say in this matter, so he never told Jaemin what he thought, but there was not a single fiber in his being that thought this could go smoothly. "I'm on your side, actually. I agree it's a terrible idea." 

The same morning Jaemin told him his reasonings for going away and returning; Renjun went online to research guardianships. There was so much to think about, Jaemin would be committing for a lifetime, giving up the reality he knew, and starting over with added responsibilities. 

It was crazy, a shot in the dark, and once he looked into Jaemin's eyes, he knew there was no going back. This was his choice.

"It's just-" Renjun could not put it in words without betraying his conversations with Jaemin; he wasn't sure if those were meant to be private. There was also this small part of him, the tiny ache in his heart, that just  _ gets  _ it. Because if something happened to Jaehwan, even if he only knew this child for months now, Renjun would also go berserk. He would give his all, even if it meant destroying what he had, no questions asked, no looking back. "I don't feel like beating a dead horse." 

Renjun wasn't going to judge him for it, he could think it was insane, but there were enough people who would be against it already; there was no need to add fuel to the fire. If that was what Jaemin wanted to do, Renjun would support him. 

Jaeun analyzed his words, stance, and her feelings for a second, stopping to dwell on them. There was a bigger understanding that both of them did not say, but kept implying.

"You don't think he'll change his mind," She said, finally revealing what had been weighing on their heads for days now. 

He wouldn't, Renjun was sure of it. Jaemin presented as an enigma at first, secretive, tricky, one wrong move and his heart would close. Still, everything he did screamed affection; he cared a lot, which was evident with every action he took. 

Jaemin didn't need to, but he stuck with Renjun when the boy felt overwhelmed; he took on cooking for the two when he realized Renjun was skipping his meals. His constant nagging just a reminder that Jaemin was  _ there  _ , and he could help; he wanted to.

It was in the way he talked about Jeno - the devotion and gratitude towards his best friend -, it was in the way he praised Mark, the way he spoke to Donghyuck, the way he didn't know anything about Chenle and Jisung, but still welcomed them as if their meeting was belated, as if they were always meant to be friends. 

It was also in the way every action he took, every secret he decided to keep to himself, even if it were too big and would eat him alive, was to protect his sister. Because Jaeun had enough on her plate as it was, she did not need to fix his problems. 

Jaemin did not tell Jaeun because he needed her help. He told her because he knew he would be traveling more - and disappearances after the trauma he inflicted wouldn't come in handy -, because he was starting a slow, tiring process that would drain his emotions, and she needed to know why. Because he had full intention of one day arriving with two kids in Seoul, and they would be scared, and he needed all the emotional support he could give them. 

Jaeun was their sister too, and she would come around eventually. 

"You also don't believe he will," Renjun said. "We can fight it for a while if that's what you want, but it's not going to stop him."

Renjun could entertain Jaeun's wishes while he was with her; they could discuss all they want, but eventually, this decision would come down to one person, and he wasn't in the kitchen with them. 

And Jaeun could push him away, she could be mad, it would still not matter for Jaemin, he had made it clear he did not need her blessing. This was bigger than them, and it felt cruel to even think a grown woman could be so against two kids finding a permanent home.

She wasn't exactly thinking of the kids; Jaeun was worried about the brother she always had. 

"Shit," This time, she forgot her rule and said it out loud. Renjun noticed but kept quiet. "He's so young."

"You're not old either," Renjun replied. 

Some could argue that Jaeun even had it rougher; she had to start from scratch, learn with a newborn, and those are far more difficult to keep alive than a six-year-old and a ten-year-old.

"But we're different," She complained. 

And they were, but Renjun didn't have the heart to tell her why.

Because when Jaeun first had Jaehwan, her circle of friends had decreased to just her husband and her brother. All her friends from college were still a few steps back, and things got awkward quickly; after a while, they stopped showing up after she got married, and Jaeun was left alone.

Of course, Jaemin and Jaeun had a few aunts from their mother's side, but they didn't live near them, so she had no family to call if she had a question or an accident. 

The truth was Jaemin had a far better emotional support group, which shouldn't even be considered friends; they were family, people like Jeno, Mark, and Donghyuck. The trio who went crazy when he first disappeared, who welcomed him back without any questions, who were just happy to know he was safe and were ready to shower him with the love he didn't receive the past few months. Jaemin had Renjun, with his stupid loyalty and parental instincts. He had Jaeun and all her experience. 

They were different, but not for the things Jaeun thought they were.

"I guess," He managed to get out. "Don't you think he looks happier, though?"

Because for the whole time Renjun was near Jaemin, he felt this sadness seeping from the boy, he couldn't explain it, and he didn't try to put it in words too. All he knew was that, now, Jaemin's eyes were glistening with hope and relief, finally having the people in his life know about his plans, to lastly be moving forward. 

And maybe it was just Renjun and his silly little heart, but a happy Jaemin was intoxicating.

"I mean, is there even a proper way to start a family these days?" Renjun continued, mostly because Jaeun didn't answer him, and the silence was getting awkward. "The kids need a place to stay, he's just doing his best to provide that to them."

He was sure Jaemin wasn't thinking thorough; his actions were based on  _ emotions  _ . And that was so Jaemin that Renjun couldn't really expect anything else, Jaeun should have seen it coming.

"You're pushing me into a corner here," Jaeun complained, "and all I want is badmouth my stupid brother, can you let me, please?"

That he could do. Jaeun was a pro at this, and Renjun liked to see her vent; she had a creative mind for insults and theories. 

"Of course," He smiled, "Are we going to continue on the custody battle or are we progressing to other parts of his life? He's kind of a mess either way."

They did stray from the custody for a while; Jaeun complained about things from their childhood, called him immature, Renjun laughed and pointed out things that were still the same with the man. 

"You know what we should do?" Jaeun asked, going back to their previous topic, "We should burn down his boat."

Renjun smiled at the woman. Something like that  _ did  _ cross his mind as well, but he figured almost getting sued once was enough, and Jaemin wouldn't appreciate the gesture as Jaeun did. Plus, wrecking the car gave Jaeun a much harder divorce settlement; Renjun couldn't gamble when it came to the children's custody, not when he knew how important it was for Jaemin and how bad it could get. 

Renjun had to stop her thoughts though, Jaeun was mad enough to do just that.

"Yeah," He entertained the thought for just a second, imagining an eight-month pregnant lady setting fire to a boat, "but maybe we should finish paying for the car we wrecked first."

"It would make Jaemin feel better." 

That was a reach, and he saw right through her. 

"It would not," Renjun told the woman, "It would make  _ you  _ feel better, and worse once the bill arrives."

"God," Jaeun sighed, "I hate him so much."

Renjun didn't have to ask who she was talking about, because the feelings he harbored towards the siblings' dad wasn't a nice one either. He was sure Jaemin didn't intend to paint him as the bad guy - Jaemin was surprisingly lenient in Renjun's view -, there were just a few slips, times in which the boy didn't know how to express himself with words, that were enough to leave Renjun with a bad taste in his mouth. 

He agreed; she had every right to hate him. 

"I know," Renjun said, "It makes you understand why Jaemin is so eager to make this right."

Jaeun couldn't argue with that logic, because it made sense, and she refused to agree with it just yet. Jaeun just scoffed, knowing she didn't have any material to retort him, so she took a sip of her awful coffee and pretended she liked it.

Renjun and Jaemin went on with their lives, and that was killing Renjun inside. 

He didn't tell anyone about the kiss; he didn't talk to Jaemin about it either. Renjun wasn't sure if that was just how he usually was, doing things in the heat of the moment, and ignoring them after, but if they kept going like this, he was sure he was going to have a mental breakdown.

It also did not help how Jaemin would keep him at arm's length when it came to anything about the kids or his upcoming custody hearing. Jaemin would now answer calls in front of him; he didn't feel the need to hide what he was doing, but when Renjun asked about it, Jaemin would give him vague answers and tell him not to worry so much.

Jaemin would go back to his place almost every day at nine pm; from the pattern, Renjun realized it was the time he had to talk with the kids. He always came back smiling, body filled with excitement, and whenever he thought Jaemin would say something, he saw the boy shut off the craving.

Renjun always felt as if there was another side of Jaemin that he didn't show; now that he found out what it was, he couldn't understand why his friend tried so hard to keep him away from it when all he wanted was to be there for him.

He couldn't help but feel betrayed. Not when Jaemin was the one who kept preaching about letting people help him, when he tried so hard to break Renjun's walls, when they created this little harmony for themselves, only to have Jaemin, out of the two, being the one to second guess. 

There wasn't much going on that night; Renjun had just finished washing the dishes, and he was contemplating picking up his last sketch - he was now trying to do things with his left hand, and painting was becoming a wild and fun practice. Jaemin came back to his house, phone in his hand, eyes full of joy.

That was not  _ fair  _ ; Renjun wanted to share the delight as well. He was almost convinced Jaemin was around him for the convenience of it, not because he liked his company. And maybe he didn't choose the right time to ask him about it, maybe they lost it, but he had to try, he had to know where they stood.

"Are we going to talk about it, or should I pretend it never happened?" Renjun asked, as soon as Jaemin sat on the couch. 

Jaemin looked at him; the boy was sitting on a stool, body facing his easel, but eyes fixed on Jaemin. He wasn't laughing, even though he tried to make the question sound playful. 

From the blush on his ears, Jaemin could understand what he was referring to. He wanted to talk to Renjun about it as well, but he was too afraid of his reaction now that the boy knew what was going on, Jaemin knew it was a lot to take in, and if even his own sister was having a hard time, he couldn't ask Renjun to make any compromises for him. 

"I'm sorry," Jaemin had practiced those lines in his head a thousand times, and right now, when push comes to shove, he's sure if he can remember his own name, it should count as progress. "It's just, I have a lot to do." 

That was a shit answer, and Renjun did not even have to point that out for Jaemin to recognize it. Renjun didn't say anything; he wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of responding to such a vague statement. The days of indulging in Jaemin's uncertain declarations were over, and if he wanted to stay, he would have to do this right, earn his place.

Jaemin waited anyway, sure that Renjun would give in and reply even if his words mean nothing. Maybe Renjun had been too lenient with him before, so he just shrugged, letting Jaemin realize he would have to talk a lot more to receive an answer. 

It was never easy for Jaemin because usually, his wants and fears would come hand in hand, and this time it was no different. His head was vicious like that, making up scenarios that could rarely happen, but making them realistic enough to plant the doubt on his mind. 

Jaemin wanted the boy, but he also feared Renjun.

He feared him in the same way he feared his friends, in the same way he pushed Seungjo away, and the last time he wanted something for himself and brushed his fears aside, he ended up with two new siblings, three broken hearts, and trying to, at least, glue two of them back together. 

It would be easier to pretend nothing ever happened; that way, he wouldn't burden Renjun, and they could still be friends. It wouldn't be what he wanted, but it would be better than losing him.

"There's so much going on," Jaemin explained, fully aware he was still vague. "I don't want to burden you, Renjun."

That was pure gold, and Renjun snickered at his comment. It was so ridiculous to think the guy who cooked almost all their meals, who helped Renjun paint the walls of Jaeun's nursery, who spent most of his time looking out for Renjun, this same guy, thought he could ever be a burden.

Their dynamics worked because they genuinely cared; they didn't feel the need to repay anything, at least, that was what Renjun thought. 

"You're such a hypocrite," Renjun told him.

"What?"

"You heard me," He wasn't mad, Renjun was just frustrated; he could not believe the things coming out of Jaemin's mouth. "Oh my god, I'm never listening to you ever again." 

At first, Renjun thought Jaemin was too selfless, too caught up on other people's problems to worry about his own, but the truth was that he deflected, he lectured on something he didn't even follow.

"Renjun, it's just-"

"You know what? No, fuck you." Renjun cut him off.

"What?"

Jaemin wasn't actually asking; he was mostly just reacting to Renjun's blows. There wasn't much heat to Renjun's voice, but he could hear the frustration pilling up.

"I don't want this, neither do you." Renjun told him, "So just let me help you, don't shut me out without trying."

All Renjun wanted was for Jaemin to  _ talk  _ , discuss things with him when he was overwhelmed, and share his sorrows and happiness. He moved from the stool to the other side of the couch, giving Jaemin space, but also seeing eye to eye, sharing the moment that was both familiar and nervewracking.

"You want me to forget about the kiss? Fine, I'll do it," He didn't want to, but if that was a mistake from Jaemin's part, if he only did that out of the stress he was feeling that day, Renjun would be mad, but would get over it. "But don't act so high and mighty preaching about letting others help you when you don't take your own advice," Renjun was so fed up, it was relieving to finally say it all out loud, "You're stuck in the same place for months now, and we could've helped.  _ I  _ could've helped."

Jaemin had never seen things that way; he was so used to letting it all bottle up that he didn't even realize it was affecting Renjun as well. That was never his intention; he never intended to make messes, but somehow he would create a few explosions from time to time, leaving people wounded and confused. 

"You helped me before," He argued, voice almost missing.

"I've helped your sister, and even that is debatable." Renjun corrected, "I haven't done shit for you."

Jaemin could argue with that; he could tell him all the times only hearing Renjun talk about anything kept him grounded, how his touches, soft and reliant, would melt his worries, how that one kiss gave him the energy to not lose it in front of Jaeun.

There were a lot of things he could say, but one would be better than anything else. 

"You're right," Jaemin told him, "I'm sorry."

Renjun was right, not about helping out, but about him being a hypocrite. Jaemin wanted others to open up while he remained closed off, wanted others to trust and rely on him, while he was struggling in the shadows, always quiet, always tight-lipped.

Renjun wasn't expecting that; he saw the glint in Jaemin's eyes and thought he would dispute his claims. "Thank you," Renjun said.

If he kept like that, Jaemin would lose Renjun, they would grow apart because he was too afraid of letting the person he wanted in. He thought about Jaein and Jaewon; he had to stop running away, Jaemin needed to find his courage, it was the only way this could work.

He could start with Renjun, he owed to him as well. 

"I don't want you to forget about the kiss."

_ Oh, thank goodness  _ , Renjun thought. He wasn't going to be able anyway, so if Jaemin said he wanted to go back, he would have to pretend until Renjun managed to stop thinking about the boy's lips. Judging from the past week, that was going to be a difficult task. 

It could start like that, telling each other the truth, conveying their feelings. They already had them anyway, and it wasn't easy to hide, so it would be foolish to tiptoe around each other when they spent most of their time together; they could use their time to do far more interesting things. 

"Then what do you want, Jaemin?" There was only one right answer, and Renjun hoped Jaemin would tell him.

But that was a tricky question, because Jaemin wanted a lot of things. A lot of his wants had to do with Renjun, a lot of the others didn't. He wanted Renjun right now; he also wanted to have met him earlier, talked to him, shared their stability; it would have made things easier. He also wanted to meet the future Renjun, he was curious about who he was going to become, he wanted to see his works in a gallery, Jaemin wished to be beside him when it happened. 

There was so much he wanted to know; he wanted to ask Renjun how he felt that day, why he never asked about the car, what was he trying to say when they locked eyes in a room with other people - the silent conversation being lost in translation, and leaving Jaemin wondering if their bond was more than friendship for Renjun as well.

He also wanted simple things, Jaemin wanted to know if he was doing something right, to have Jaeun understand his side, he wanted to put the kids to bed again, to hear Jaein laughing next to him, and Jaewon telling him about the new spaceship he saw on Youtube. 

Renjun didn't get his answer out loud. But Jaemin did reply, he only did it with his lips instead, because that was the best way he could think of to make sure Renjun would get it. He didn't want to erase their kiss; he wanted to add more, to the point they wouldn't be able to count how many there were any more. 

This time, Renjun saw him coming, he felt the hand on his nape before feeling the boy's lips. Jaemin didn't want to surprise him, so he went slow, giving Renjun enough time to pull away if he wished to, they could talk more if that was what he needed. 

Renjun smiled at Jaemin first, a small and shy smile, before closing the distance between their mouths. 

The first thing Jaemin felt was  _ relief  _ ; it was like coming home and taking a hot shower after a stressful day, feeling the water envelop his body with the promises of serenity, getting into bed and relaxing, feeling safe, and indestructible for another day. 

Renjun was far more enthusiastic this time, being the one to further their kiss, Jaemin's mouth working delicately over his. The kiss turned warm; there was no need to rush, they weren't going to disappear afterward, they were going to do this right, Renjun would make sure of it.

Kissing Jaemin was comfortable; meeting his tongue felt right. Renjun was glad he decided to talk, but also mad he waited so long, he should've tried kissing him again sooner, they could have been discovering a lot more of each other by now.

It was okay because Renjun could make up for the lost time, he could pass a leg over to the other side of Jaemin and sit on his lap. He felt Jaemin's hands go instinctively to his hips, reveling on the pressure his fingers were making; he drank the sharp breath Jaemin let out, too absorbed with their mouths together, rejoicing how they fit flawlessly. 

When they finally broke the kiss, Jaemin was smiling, his fingers drawing little circles on Renjun, absentmindedly, just trying to catch their breath, trying to stay grounded.

Renjun wasn't composed either; he broke out in a smile when he saw Jaemin's, both too silly and incredulous to behave like normal people. 

Renjun was so pretty like this, genuine smile on his lips and affection in his eyes, one of Jaemin's hands let go of his hip to stroke Renjun's hair, pushing his fringe away from his eyes and forehead - a simple movement, but somehow far more intimate than kissing, there were promises in Jaemin's eyes that were far more intimate. "I really like you," Jaemin told him.

Renjun's smile got bigger, a mocking grin appearing, a joke that was lost to Jaemin but was too funny for the other. Renjun let his head fall on Jaemin's shoulder, body trembling, trying not to break out in laughter.

"Don't laugh," Jaemin reprimanded, still smiling, still stroking his hair, savoring all his reactions. Renjun could say anything he wanted, it was true. 

"We've gone through that already," Renjun told him, voice muffled, face buried, his smile against Jaemin's shirt, everywhere Renjun touched burned.

"I know," Jaemin tried to argue, it didn't hurt to repeat it, "But I guess I tend to send mixed signals, and you must be so confused," Jaemin explained; if Renjun wanted him to be truthful, he would have to get used to his words of affirmation. Jaemin liked him, and he wanted to show him that, "So this is me clarifying that I really  _ do  _ like you."

Renjun lifted his face looking for Jaemin's eyes, studying to confirm what just happened, making sure he knew they were a team, and he could count on him. 

That wasn't how Jaemin thought he was going to end his night, with the boy he couldn't stop thinking about on his lap, and the comfort of having someone by his side. He never let his mind wander too much with Renjun, scared of getting entangled and ruining things. Today, Jaemin created all the scenarios he wanted, he felt the security, and he gave the very first step towards opening up.

"Noted," Renjun replied, and before he could say anything else, he felt Jaemin's lips on his again. 

There was no need to say it back, Jaemin already knew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised we would get to the chill part and I swear we are getting there :D  
> This one was far easier to write than the last chapter, but I got too caught up and wrote four big scenes that made sense to be together. So yeah! I didn't upload it on Thursday, but at least we got 10k and I'm slightly concerned with how my chapters keep getting bigger... watch as the final chapter becomes a 30k monster hahahahaha  
> Kudos and comments are highly welcomed!  
> Hope everyone is having a great day and a good weekend! I'll be back as soon as I can!


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To everyone who got the first email, I am sorry. My bad. I did the screwing up. It's kinda late here and I posted the first draft instead of the finished chapter, there were a few mistakes here and there and a scene with missing context. But here we go, hopefully it's a good one!  
>   
> [spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4A8yyS6TLlglvsBWyirQd1?si=-uQs6aaZS127QgM5oJaMFw)  
> [pinterest board](https://br.pinterest.com/clariexyz/1-his-tattoos/)  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/toojuns)  
>   
> Songs for this chapter: Technicolour Beat by Oh Wonder, Apartment by Bobi Andonov, and Do It For Me by Rosenfeld

Jeno was _glowing_. 

He never felt so powerful before; being the swimming team captain, scouts were especially interested in making him compete professionally; maybe he could even impress his country. He had his own cheer squad now, people who would come just to see his matches, who created posters for him; the whole experience was unreal. His grades were up; he was getting praised by the professors during their midterms; his classmates wanted to form study groups with him. The semester was shaping up to be his best one.

And yet, nothing could beat having information Donghyuck didn't have.

The next time Jeno saw Jaemin, he was wearing a turtleneck. It wouldn't be that weird to see his friend with that type of clothing if it was a bit later in the year. The weather was just starting to get chilly; Jeno's teammates were beginning to complain about practices in the unheated pool. 

It did not call for a turtleneck still, and Jaemin wasn't the type to wear them often. That was bothering Jeno; his friend had called him to talk, and he figured it must be serious from the urgency in his voice; however, he could not stop thinking about Jaemin's clothing of choice. 

Jeno was already at the coffee shop near campus when Jaemin arrived, their order already on the table - a regular coffee for Jeno, a monstrosity for Jaemin. 

Jaemin had been busy these past few days; Jeno barely met him since midterms started, now they were long gone, and that was the first time his friend asked to meet. Having Jaemin back was like riding a rollercoaster; it had its ups and downs, and they could go really fast from one to the other. One day, it would seem like he never even left, getting back to their bantering and affection quickly, and the other, Jaemin would be so lost in thought that it didn't even seem like he was there.

It also didn't help that, for the first time, Jaemin and Jeno were separate entities; it was weird getting used to having his best friend back, but understanding he was fundamentally _different._ They had been attached to each other by the hip ever since they were kids, and all of a sudden, they weren't anymore; Jaemin had moved on, and as much as Jeno wanted to support him, he also felt regretful to see this chapter of their life go. 

And he had this aura about him now; it was so strange, yet, so right. Jaemin walked into the room with confidence, like he had a purpose, and people couldn't help but stare. He was still compassionate, still more giving than taking, it was just that now, everything he did, screamed reliance, a sense of self that wasn't there before. And Jeno was trying so hard to give him space, to let his friend come to him first, but curiosity was a wicked little thing.

And even if he tried his best not to pry into Jaemin's personal life when he clearly looked uncomfortable, he couldn't help think about the turtleneck. Because he knew Jaemin, he knew the times he wore a turtleneck and it wasn't even cold; Jeno once saw his friend wear it to school when they were in the middle of a heatwave, all to cover what Jaemin didn't want to show.

Therefore, as soon as Jaemin sat down, Jeno raised himself up from his chair and reached for the collar of Jaemin's shirt, pulling it down.

"Oh my god," Jeno's mouth hung open when he found the bruise he was searching for on Jaemin's neck, "Is that a _hickey_?"

Jaemin swatted Jeno's hand away, realizing way too late what his friend's intentions were when he reached his hand. That wasn't meant to be seen.

Renjun and Jaemin had a weird dynamic going on; it was confusing and exciting. Kisses came almost as prizes, only happening when they were both in the headspace to talk and share their feelings - which came as a good thing because Renjun had a lot of growing concerns and the only one who could help drown it out was Jaemin. 

However, since kissing was spaced out between days, they were both eager when it came to it - it was easy to get carried away when they were at home and had no one to disturb their peace, lines were getting blurrier by the minute, and that's why Jaemin had to wear a turtleneck. That was also why Jaemin had been practicing his composure.

"Please tell me it's Renjun," Jeno begged, his eyes filled with something Jaemin couldn't understand.

Jaemin only scoffed, not answering. 

"Has Donghyuck said anything to you?" Jeno asked. 

The confusion in Jaemin's eyes was enough of a push for Jeno to understand that Donghyuck hadn't said anything yet, probably because Donghyuck didn't _know_ about this. 

So Jeno had leverage. It was hard to live in the same house as Donghyuck and have that kind of power; Mark and Jeno had both given up already. Still, with Donghyuck being so excruciatingly annoying the last few weeks, having this pissing contest because of best friends who could be boning each other or not. Frustrations from both of them that had nothing to do with Jeno or Donghyuck; it had only to do with Jaemin and Renjun's miscommunications, with worries and protective feelings that couldn't be dismissed. They were still bickering, less than before, and more for the fun of it. The idea that Jeno could know something that his friend didn't made him feel powerful; it was the key to having Donghyuck _shut up_. 

The excited grin on Jeno's face had nothing to do with Jaemin and Renjun possibly getting together; it was only him basking on the feeling of teasing Donghyuck, frustrating him when Jeno knew he wouldn't understand. The outcomes had so much potential, Jeno couldn't wait to get home and try all of them.

Jaemin didn't understand his friend's reaction, and he was uncomfortable with the exposure. He and Renjun had decided to explore this little batch of feelings and thoughts together, without the group's scrutiny. A lot was going on already, and most of it Jaemin had no control over, so they wanted to understand their relationship first, reach a comfort zone, and then endure everyone's gaze and pressure when it came to it.

"It's not what you think," Jaemin lied, so unconvincingly that Jeno almost took pity on him. 

"Sure," Jeno replied, voice filled with mischief, "How are you?"

The question was genuine; it wasn't just about finding out he had something with Renjun, it came from a place of concern over his best friend. Jeno always asked, and Jaemin always answered with vague politeness. _Fine_ , Jaemin would say, and there was so much repressed in those four letters that every time Jeno heard them, he would crumble inside. 

Jaemin would always seem taken aback by that question, but this time, he smiled, gleeful, the same smile that would make Jeno's spine shiver in fear. When he grinned like that, it meant he was plotting something, and it usually ended up with Jeno having to pay a hefty price alongside Jaemin. "I'm a mess," Jaemin admitted, "And I have so much to tell you."

Something in Jaemin's voice was so freeing, so comforting, and Jeno realized that the same miscommunication that was bothering Jeno, was eating away Jaemin as well. That was why he waited for his friend; it was never a matter of Jaemin not trusting Jeno. Before he could materialize into existence, the man had to understand his choices and trust himself to tell everyone else. 

Jeno was always at the top of his list, a little island in a sea of violent waves, a secret shelter to catch his breath and refill his courage; he had gone too far without him already, it was time to swim back to his best friend.

Jaemin was _absurd_. 

Jeno knew his friend had a few screws loose, but that was too much. He couldn't believe the papers on his hand, words seeming like a foreign concept, his head screaming all the impracticalities of this decision.

Telling Jeno everything was far more natural than he thought it would be. He managed to ease his friend into his story, starting to narrate when they were still at the coffee shop, but quickly getting up and taking Jeno back to his house to show him the parts of his life he hadn't met yet, the pictures, documents, and drawings. All of Jaemin's prized possessions. 

Jeno was sitting on the floor alongside Jaemin, trying to fix his mouth from the habit of hanging open, something it kept doing for the past hour and a half. 

"This makes no sense," Jeno said, "You can't live here."

Jeno was practical. The moment he understood where Jaemin was heading, he started to list in his head what his friend would need and how he could help him. Jaemin's place was a cubicle, enough for a college student, and that was it. 

"I'm not," Jaemin explained, "I'm searching for a new place."

He hadn't yet visited anywhere, just browsed the internet for houses, and looked into schools. Jaemin was sure he wouldn't be staying in the city, the prices being too high, he was eyeing the outskirts of town, where everything was less hectic, where the kids could get used to it all quickly, where they could have a garden to plant by day and stargaze by night. 

"Do you have the money?" 

That was a hard question because Jaemin had some, but not a lot. His money came from heritage, from selling their mother's house and splitting with Jaeun, a trust fund meant for emergencies, not to sustain a family. He managed to add some more while swimming for the team and winning matches, but he was only taking out ever since coming back. He had the library, but there was hardly any money there. 

He started teaching and got the job at the library to appease the judge; Jaemin had to prove he had the means to keep Jaewon and Jaein safe and show he was a functioning member of society. And although it would be clear he could provide them with love and shelter for the time being, they would get in trouble if it stayed that way.

Jeno understood his silence, "Come back to the team."

That wasn't something that crossed Jaemin's mind, "Tryouts have already passed," He argued.

"So?" Jeno asked; they clearly could work something out, "I'm the captain, I'll commit nepotism if I have to."

Jaemin laughed, "Nepotism is for when you favorite family members, Jeno."

There was no laughter when Jeno replied, "Isn't that what we are?"

That statement disarmed Jaemin, and he felt so stupid to have waited so long to tell his best friend all of this. If there was anyone in this world who would stay by his side, that person was Jeno. What was he so afraid of? Jeno was the same he had always been, unyielding, real, and loving. His best friend would stay that way, and he would discover how to make this work with Jaemin.

"Of course," Jaemin replied, with so much emotion in those words it was a miracle he didn't choke. He took a breath and stabilized his voice again before he could continue, "But I kinda hate swimming."

Jaemin never told anyone that. He didn't start on the team already hating the practice, but he hated the pressure a new match would give him; his muscles would stay sore for days if he skipped one day of training, and the smell of chlorine on his skin and clothes would give him a headache. Quitting the team was liberating, and he didn't want to go back to feeling trapped. Jaemin was trying this new approach in life; instead of keeping things to himself, he was laying it out for the people that mattered to him, it started with telling Renjun he liked him, and now he was telling Jeno his true feelings about their joint activity.

Somehow, that did not faze Jeno, "Oh," It made sense, Jaemin was never eager to get in the water, his actions screamed duty more than pleasure, "You could stay as an assistant coach."

No one on the team had a better working schedule and training method as Jaemin, it was why he stood out so quickly; he could point out his own faults and find ways to fix them so fast that no one even caught them. 

That _could_ work, but Jaemin had to think about his plan first, where he was going to live, how much time would he spend away from home, and practices tended to get rough, "I don't know," He said, "Maybe, but I can't know for sure right now."

That was alright; as long as he was being kept on the loop, Jeno would accept anything, "Sure," He told Jaemin, "Just let me know how I can help."

He would. Jeno was already helping; he listened and saved his judgment for some other time - or perhaps didn't save it at all -, Jeno was in on it just like Jaemin was, no turning back. He didn't have to meet the kids to understand and trust his best friend's choice; if Jaemin had come to this, it was because it mattered. 

That reaction was more than Jaemin could have ever hoped for, and it was just what he needed. 

"Yeah," Jaemin smiled, unsure if he was allowed to feel this happy.

"How does Jaeun feel about this?" Jeno asked, and Jaemin remembered he wasn't allowed that happiness, not when it came with his sister's objection. 

"She's mad," He confessed, heart in shambles whenever he would think of his older sister. Jaemin explained their disagreement; he was far more understanding of Jaeun's side now than when he told Renjun at first. 

Jeno was there for most of the sibling's life, and he understood the strange dynamic they had - sometimes, Jaeun would refuse to hear what Jaemin had to say, but it only took Jeno telling her the same thing for her to get it. It was the same way around as well; Jeno thought maybe that was just how siblings were wired, "I can talk to her if you want."

The thought of Jeno going out of his way to talk to Jaeun gave Jaemin flashbacks of their highschool days, and the joke was right there, too tempting to keep quiet, "No," He laughed, "stay away from my sister."

Jeno blinked a few times, his ears getting red when he realized what Jaemin was implying, "You're ridiculous," he said, flustered, "I can't believe I'm trying to help you."

Jaemin cackled at his response and didn't even try to dodge the punch coming towards his arm. Almost ten years later and Jeno would still fumble over his words when it came to his fleeting crush on Jaeun, it was long gone, but the lingering embarrassment stayed, especially since Jaemin wouldn't let him forget. He even dared to tell Mark and Donghyuck.

Jeno dusted himself off and got up, "I'm leaving," he announced.

"Where are you going?" Jaemin asked.

"Home," Jeno lied; he was thinking about calling Renjun and asking where Jaeun was, maybe he could talk to her, and they could reach an agreement. Jeno knew the woman, and they had gotten closer since Jaemin went away; perhaps all she needed was a push towards Jaemin's side.

"Good," Jaemin got up as well, "Let me go with you, I gotta talk to Mark and Hyuck too."

Jeno froze for a second, his plans crashing down. He picked himself up quickly, agreeing with his best friend. 

The talk with Jaeun would have to wait.

Donghyuck was _overzealous_.

He had always been when it came to Renjun. The two of them being their wicked little team, continually covering up and taking care of each other. With the news flying around, Donghyuck couldn't help but think of Renjun first, and, as soon as he could, he went to his friend's house.

"Oh my god," Donghyuck exclaimed as he entered Renjun's apartment, trying to make light of the situation. "He's really ticking all the boxes to your weird kinks, isn't he?"

Renjun was sitting on the sofa, folding his clean clothes. Yesterday the sky was relatively sunny, and he took advantage of that to get back on track with his laundry; today, his house was smelling like honeysuckle detergent and happy thoughts - something much needed in Renjun's life right now. 

He had no idea what Hyuck was talking about or why his friend was there. Donghyuck didn't call to tell he would be dropping by, but he never did anyway - he would come and leave as he wanted, just like a thunderstorm. "Who?"

"Jaemin," Hyuck explained, "and his long lost siblings."

 _Oh_. He stopped folding; Renjun didn't know Jaemin had started expanding the circle of people learning about that; they had talked before, but Jaemin looked so nervous after talking to Jaeun, Renjun decided to not pry too much on that matter. If Donghyuck knew, that meant Mark and Jeno were in on it too, and that was a lot of people to cover in one day. 

"That's so low," Renjun joked, "you're the one who keeps calling people daddy."

"Yeah," Donghyuck joked about it, mainly because it was funny to see Renjun's terrorized face, "but you're the one who's actively pursuing a guy who's about to win two kids in court."

Renjun's face would have become red if it wasn't for the thundering in his heart when he heard of a possible future. He wanted that for Jaemin, but things weren't so simple, and he was terrified of what could happen. He was an estranged sibling, never had much contact with the kids, still in school, no house, working a job with little to no prospect of ascension. There was so much that could go wrong. Looking from the outside, his case wasn't all that reliable, and that thought kept his heart tight. 

He faked a smile, eyes falling to the clothes he should be folding, "You're ridiculous."

"I know," Donghyuck sat on the other end of the couch, and started helping, "how are you with all this?"

There was a lot he wanted to tell Donghyuck, a lot he wanted to keep to himself as well. Renjun wasn't sure where he stood on all of this; he was an outsider but was strangely caught up in the middle of it all. He didn't feel like his opinion did matter, but Jaeun would seek it from time to time. He didn't want to project his feelings, but it was hard not to when Jaemin was in his personal space. He was concerned, and all he wanted was to keep the people he cared about safe. 

"I'm worried," Renjun confessed, "Jaeun and Jaemin aren't on speaking terms, and somehow I'm in the middle of it."

As much as Donghyuck liked and cared for Jaemin, it came as no surprise that his priority was Renjun. "Well," there was no way to be nice about it, "get out, you don't own anyone anything."

"But I don't want to," Renjun wanted to stay, he was going to, he was just scared of the things that were out of his control.

"You're going to give me a heart attack." Renjun was infuriating, and Hyuck loved him to death despite it. "Don't be the messenger, Jun. You're just supporting their fight."

Renjun wasn't the messenger, because there were no messages to pass on. But he did double as an informant, keeping both Jaemin and Jaeun updated on each other, telling them what he thought was important - like Jaeun's health status and Jaemin's court dates. 

"You think so?"

"I know so," Donghyuck was the older out of his siblings, and the fastest way to get two of his brothers talking to each other again was to not feed into the drama.

"Okay, I won't do it," Renjun agreed, "Did you come here for that?"

Donghyuck wanted to stop by for a while now, but they had a busy week with midterms, and there was never any time for it. Now that Jaemin appeared at his house and dropped that bomb, he figured that was an excellent opportunity to go to Renjun, see if he was alright, and put his plan in motion. They still had to get together with Jisung and Chenle one of those nights, but today Hyuck found a pressing matter to discuss with just his best friend.

He opened up his bag and got out his laptop, "I need to teach you how to play that game right," He explained, "You're really bad and it's embarrassing."

Renjun didn't see that coming, "Jisung already taught me."

"Yeah, but are you going to really take advice from _Jisung_?" Hyuck asked, aware the answer was obvious, and Renjun should know it better. 

Jisung was their designated IT guy; he was the one they would go to when they had computer problems or needed to hack into an email account - a dark moment in Hyuck's past when he sent the wrong pictures to the wrong person. Jisung was methodical when it came to work, but would flail around when it came to anything else. He wanted people to like the games he enjoyed, so he would explain them in the most intricate way possible. It was likely he tried describing the game in a way Renjun would be interested in - he mostly lied -, and therefore, Renjun had no chance but hate it. 

Donghyuck was far more focused when it came to those things, but he liked seeing his best friend struggle, so he let Jisung try, and Hyuck ended up having his fun. Later on, when he realized the underlying trouble under Renjun's innocent pretense of playing a game with his friends, Donghyuck couldn't help but be wary. 

"You're right," Renjun thought it through. 

Donghyuck laughed, "when am I not?"

The game was more of an excuse than anything, and Donghyuck hoped Renjun would buy into that. He just wanted to check up on his friend without having it turning into a battle; Renjun didn't really like being taken care of, and whenever Hyuck decided to pry more into his life, his best friend would fight back. 

Donghyuck had noticed how anxious Renjun was, his constant daydreams, nervous ticks, and actions he would only do when he thought no one was paying attention. Calling Jisung about the game was a red flag - Renjun never wanted to know about any activity like that; the boy had other hobbies -, which sent Donghyuck on a scavenger hunt to understand his friend. 

Renjun was always on Donghyuck's peripheral line of vision, far enough to not raise suspicions, but close enough to keep tabs. They were protective of each other, both thinking they had to shield the other from the world, not realizing some of their best works were together. Understanding now what Jaemin was going through, and knowing Renjun, it was clear the leading cause of his best friend's concern, his wary heart taking the best of him.

There wasn't much Donghyuck could offer, other than a safe place to rest his head and unlimited compassion - sides of him exclusive to Renjun, and sometimes Mark. Hyuck understood his best friend better than anyone else in his life; they were alike, too much even, causing conflict from time to time. Therefore, he came up with the excuse, a brief pause to their hectic life, a way to get Renjun to vent without him going crazy.

After a while, with Renjun finally getting the commands, he could confidently say he did not like the game. But he also liked Donghyuck a lot, and his best friend had a way of turning a dull rainy day into a magical evening, so even if the activity wasn't that great, it was worthwhile because of the company. They bickered, Hyuck nagged Renjun because he was playing it wrong, Renjun reminded his friend his fingers were still broken, but he would punch him if he didn't shut up. 

When Jaemin got back to the house, he was greeted by Renjun shouting at Donghyuck to do something, and Donghyuck laughing so hard his hands were too weak to press anything. Jaemin had never been alone with the best friends, he had once watched over them from a distance when Mark was still too scared to take his chances with Hyuck, and he still looked at them from time to time now. 

Donghyuck and Renjun were a powerful combo; quick-witted and silver-tongued, they intimidated any person who dared to come closer. It was the reason Mark moped around for months before taking his chances with Hyuck; he could never find a gap between the two - being immediately shut down when he tried. 

Jaemin let the door close with more intensity than he was used to, announcing his arrival. Renjun was still too immersed on his laptop, but Donghyuck glanced at him. 

"Hi Hyuck," He greeted the boy, to which he received a smile back before Hyuck went back to his own computer. 

They had folded and wrinkled clothes between them on the couch; Donghyuck was sitting on the floor and had his computer on the sofa, Renjun had his on his lap. It was a mess, and usually, the messy house was Jaemin's - this was quite a change of scenery.

Renjun mouthed something in Chinese, even if Jaemin could not understand what it was, it sounded like cursing. But Renjun had a strange way of making everything sound like cursing when he was mad. When he died for the last time, he decided to log off. 

"I hate this," Renjun told Donghyuck, "It's probably the worse game you have ever made me play."

"You're such a baby," Donghyuck shook his head, disappointed with his friend, "you do not like it cause you suck." 

That was a very valid point to not like something by Renjun's book. He had already gone through years of training painting and frustration when the images in his head did not appear on the paper. He wanted instant gratification for every other activity he had; if Renjun had to work for it, he would most likely drop it. That was how he lived his life, and Donghyuck wasn't going to change his mind.

Renjun would further his analysis if it weren't for the pink-haired boy watching him, a few steps away from Donghyuck. Renjun didn't realize Jaemin was home. 

It was already quite late, so it made sense he would be there - it was also the first time he had both Donghyuck and Jaemin inside his home at the same time. And Jaemin was wearing a turtleneck, which fitted him perfectly over his shoulders, but Renjun knew _why_ he needed the turtleneck, and the thought of it sent him in overdrive, his insides getting hot, and his head screaming at the sight. 

Jaemin didn't wait for Renjun to find his words, "What are you guys doing?" 

That was a good thing because Renjun didn't have any words to find, and Donghyuck was the one answering, "I'm trying to get Renjun to not suck at this one game, but it's too much for his little brain."

Jaemin approached Hyuck's computer, towering over him to see what the fuss was about, and the obnoxious colors quickly evoked his memories, "Isn't that Jisung's game?"

Jaemin hadn't played, but Jeno unfortunately did - and he hated it as well. Jisung had pestered him over the summer to try it out; it was still in early development, and it lagged a lot. Once Jaemin was back, he was used as an excuse by Jeno not to play it anymore, his best friend really indulging in the long lost friend coming back card to get out of things. 

"Yeah," Renjun was the one who replied when Donghyuck went silent, too busy turning off his game as well, "he tried getting me into it." Renjun kept casual, as if his head wasn't clouded with other thoughts.

The word tried was emphasized, and it didn't slide between Donghyuck and Jaemin. Renjun was a very picky user, and Jisung didn't manage to sell the product, neither did Donghyuck. 

Hyuck murmured something, probably some curses aimed at Renjun, but Jaemin cut the two off before they could start. He knew from Mark's stories that Renjun and Donghyuck could get vicious from time to time, "Are you staying for dinner, Hyuck?"

Donghyuck didn't realize how late it had gotten, he had arrived at Renjun's in the afternoon, and now there were no signs of the sun in the sky. "No," he denied, shutting his laptop and putting it back inside his bag, "I have to go home, there's still a paper I need to finish."

That was just like Donghyuck, to leave things until the last minute and act casual about it; if it were Renjun, he would be screaming and crying by now. Donghyuck worked better when there were deadlines and chaos involved - that was the main reason they never took any classes together. 

Jaemin offered to take Donghyuck home, to which the boy happily refused, telling him he had his Jaemin quota for the day. They argued, but in the end, Donghyuck took a taxi.

"How are you?" Renjun asked Jaemin when they were alone; he realized the mess his living room was and shoved all his unfolded clothes inside the basket. 

Jaemin was still dazed by the day he had, even if it was a good one; he went to the kitchen to start their meal, "I'm great, actually."

Jeno couldn't be more supportive, and Mark was skeptic, but would be along for the ride - like he'd always been -, Donghyuck cracked a few jokes about the Na family multiplying, but also recognized that if there was anyone in the group who could deal with kids, it was this new and improved version of Jaemin. 

Renjun sat on the counter and heard about Jaemin's day, letting the apprehension seep from his fingers - even if it was just for a while -, he relished in the happiness flowing out of Jaemin, glad the boy was making peace with the different sides of his life and relationships.

But Renjun also couldn't stop thinking about Jaemin's turtleneck.

Kissing Jaemin was becoming a problem. Not kissing him was even worse. There were days Renjun would have the self-control to stop himself; this was not one of them - Jaemin talked, and all he could pay attention to was how pretty his mouth was, how soft his voice would get when they were together like this, just the two of them in his house. 

Their private time was sacred, and Jaemin liked to take his time with it - which frustrated Renjun in many ways. So tonight, when Jaemin appeared in his turtleneck shirt, covering a secret they were both in on, all Renjun could think about was the places his mouth had been, all the places his mouth would like to go.

Nights like this, Renjun wanted to share his excitement, and sometimes Jaemin was too embroiled in his own narrative to catch on, sometimes he needed a push, a sign to make him move, "Jaemin," Renjun called, "come here."

Jaemin was already used to the demands, they usually came when he was anxious, and Renjun knew how to calm him down. Tonight, it was the exact opposite, he was calm, but still complied, leaving the knife he was using on the counter and standing in front of Renjun. 

He had his palm extended, thinking that was what Renjun was talking about, but Renjun only took his hand, pulling him closer, parting his legs so Jaemin could get between them. Jaemin understood and placed his hand on Renjun's jaw, another on his thigh, his cat-like smile appearing, finding Renjun's lips for the first time that night.

Renjun tasted like coming home and charged ideas, sweet but demanding, and he wanted a lot. The kiss deepened, and Renjun's hands were on Jaemin's neck, securing him and scratching what he could. It turned less sweet very quickly; it was a call, a reminder of where they were and what they could do, tongue over tongue, breaths getting caught on each other. 

Jaemin tried getting closer, but there was nowhere to go, and Renjun was finally satisfied; it wasn't fun being the only one bothered. He parted the kiss, looking in Jaemin's eyes, finding the thrill mirrored in Jaemin, finding want as well. "I'm glad," that was all Renjun said, and all Jaemin got as an answer. 

Renjun was _restless_.

There was a lot to be anxious about these days; he wasn't sure how he'd done with his midterms, and he didn't care to make up for it; Jaeun was so close to giving birth now; Jaemin had court dates and responsibilities; Renjun was barely getting by, being too out of it to even teach. 

He was also late today, getting home hours later than he ever would. He went to the doctor that day to get his fingers checked and finally have them free again; it was a relief to move freely. As soon as he got to his apartment and didn't find Jaemin there like he usually would, he barged into the man's house to talk to him, to show him the news.

The first thing he heard when he stepped into Jaemin's apartment was the laughter. Jaemin was sitting on the floor - Renjun saw the pattern and wondered why he even had those armchairs, never noticing the boy use them -, he had a suitcase open, and many clothes and documents spread around it. When he saw Renjun, he smiled but gestured the man to stay quiet. 

The laughter came from Jaemin's phone, which was on the table near him, on speaker. When he understood what was happening, he froze, unsure if he was barging in on something private. Renjun had forgotten to check what time it was, and Jaemin was talking to his siblings.

The boy understood Renjun's hesitation and stuck his arm out, a silent invitation. They had done this before, but at that time, Renjun couldn't hear the conversation, and he was sure it wasn't with the kids. This was different, a step into Jaemin's world and heart that it was still foreign to them.

Renjun chose to take his hand, sitting next to the man who smelled like lavender and soap, hair still damped from the shower he took earlier. Jaemin's hand let go of Renjun's to travel to his jaw, the smile on his lips a silent greeting, just for him, only for this moment. Jaemin kissed him, soft, tender, and quick, getting back to his conversation and leaving Renjun flustered.

" _-and then, the teacher did my pigtails again because they came loose,_ " Renjun heard the voice on the other side say, it was a girl, and she sounded excited, " _she does it better than you._ "

"Ouch," Jaemin laughed, "I'll make sure to learn from her."

" _Yours makes my head hurt,_ " Jaein didn't know how to tell a lie, and she didn't know when to stop either.

Jaemin stopped looking at the papers in his hand, "Do all my hairdos make your head hurt?"

He sounded so concerned with this piece of information, and Renjun couldn't help but coo at him. He rested his head on Jaemin's shoulder, snuggling up against him, basking in the strange opening to a private side of Jaemin and his life he did not know yet. 

Jaein thought for a second before answering, " _Just the pigtails,_ " the relieved sigh from Jaemin was hilarious; he spent so much time learning how to comb and style Jaein's hair, it would frustrate him if he found out now that all of that was giving his little sister pain, _"I like your braids."_

She shouldn't have said that because now Jaein would be getting a lot more braided hairstyles and almost no pigtails. "Noted," Jaemin told the girl, "Jaein, do you need anything? I'll be there tomorrow by night, let me know if there's anything you need me to get you." Jaemin had a meeting with his lawyers, and he would stay for a while in Pohang to keep the kid's company.

Another silence, _"I want a cat,"_ she told him, and Renjun had to gather all the strength in his soul to not laugh out loud when he saw Jaemin's appalled expression. That was not what he was expecting; Jaemin meant to ask if she needed any material for her classes or a new pair of shoes. Not a cat.

"Cats will poop on your flowers," Jaemin tried to reason without saying no from the start; he found out it was easier to reach an agreement with the kids if he didn't sound like a tyrant upfront. 

_"Poop is good for the flowers,"_ She shot back.

"But it will smell," Jaemin tried, "and you won't pick up the poop, it will be me doing all the work."

 _"I'll help,"_ Jaein said, and they both knew it was a lie. She didn't pick the worms or softened the ground for gardening because she was freaked out; it would be the same with the cat.

"You're not presenting a strong case, love," Jaemin's voice was full of affection, "Maybe you should sleep on it and try to convince me later. Where's your brother?"

They heard the loud sigh coming out from the phone, Jaein's way to let him know she disagreed with him but was letting it go for now, _"I'll get him."_

They heard ruffling and footsteps, Jaein moving around without much care with the phone, all types of noises coming out because she had her hand over the mike.

Jaemin turned to look at Renjun, who was still snuggled up against him. He put his arm on Renjun's waist, keeping him close. "Hi," Jaemin whispered, trying to not let his voice get caught by the microphone.

"Hi," Renjun replied, his voice even quieter than Jaemin's.

"How was your day?"

"Boring," nothing unusual had happened today; Renjun went about his life as always, the only memorable part was that moment: cozying up with Jaemin, hearing his siblings' voices for the first time, getting to be a part of it all, his heart was full. "Yours?"

"Boring," Jaemin replied, resting his cheek on the top of Renjun's head, "much better right now."

Renjun agreed, his day would always get better when he came home, but this moment topped any other. He glanced up to the younger, looking for his lips, ready to steal another kiss when he realized Jaemin was looking at his hand.

"Your fingers," Jaemin smiled, his voice getting louder - it startled both of them, and he received a slap on his thigh from Renjun. He was too relieved to even pretend to be outraged, Jaemin lowered his voice again, "do they hurt?"

"They feel fine," Renjun's fingers did not hurt; they felt rusty - like an old engine that went too long without starting, and he was positive he would have to go back to the basics with his painting for awhile. "The doctor to-"

The rustling on the other side of the phone made Renjun stay quiet, aware the little girl must have finally found the other person she was looking for. They could hear the kids talking, but there was too much noise to understand. 

Jaemin kept his arm around Renjun, but his head turned to face the cellphone, giving his full attention to whoever would talk. 

_"Hyung,"_ Jaewon said, his voice closer now, he sounded serious, but that could've been his natural voice, Renjun couldn't tell, _"Did you see the video I sent you?"_

No greetings, just the dry recognition of who it was. Jaewon was much more distant by the phone than he was in real life; Jaemin was already used to that. He got the warmth from Jaein, and the facts from Jaewon; that was how they were making it work.

Jaewon would also send videos he found on Youtube to Jaemin; they were mostly educational content about the universe, and the boy would be amazed by it. Jaemin relished when he got a notification from Jaewon; it meant the boy liked something strongly enough to want to share with him; it warmed his heart to know the kid tried to keep him on the loop about his discoveries even if they were physically apart. However, the last video confused him, it had nothing to do with space; it was a video filled with theories about the Bermuda Triangle.

"I did," Jaemin confirmed.

 _"Well?"_ Jaewon's voice was rushed; he wanted answers.

"What?"

 _"What are you going to do about it?"_ The little boy sounded distressed, as if he couldn't believe Jaemin dared to ask him _what_.

"Nothing?" Jaemin was so confused. Jaewon only sent him the video link, nothing else; he didn't know what he was supposed to do with it. 

_"Aren't you going to investigate?"_ Jaewon inquired, _"you should be concerned."_

Renjun could see Jaemin was just as lost as he was - the crease between his brows getting deeper by the second. "Why would I investigate?"

 _"Because you're a scientist!"_ Jaewon was perplexed by the lack of concern in Jaemin's voice. He had just found out about the Bermuda Triangle, and there was nothing else he could think about ever since; Jaemin should be as troubled as him, he thought at least his brother would understand.

"Where did you get that from?" Jaemin never once said he was a scientist, for all he knew, the kids thought he was jobless, and that was fine - the concept of money still a foreign thing to them.

 _"My teacher told me you have to go to college to be a scientist,"_ Jaewon explained his logic, _"you're the only scientist I know."_

"Oh," Jaemin understood it all now, "I'm sorry, buddy, that's not my area of expertise." He knew how fixated Jaewon could get on things, so he added, "but I'll look it up, don't worry. Plus, the Bermuda Triangle is far away from where we are."

_"How far?"_

"Hm," Jaemin pondered how to seem as distant it was while grasping on the notion of space Jaewon had. "We could walk the distance from the house to school for a whole year, and we would still not reach the Bermuda Triangle."

Jaewon seemed to accept that, his voice becoming softer, _"Oh,"_ He could finally move on to another obsession now that he knew this one wouldn't get him, _"okay."_

"Hey, I'll be there by tomorrow night, okay?" Jaemin said.

_"I know."_

"Do you need anything?" 

_"Jaein wants a cat,"_ Jaewon told him, not answering his question, _"don't give in to her, she just wants because she saw a kitty this morning."_

Jaewon was rather reasonable when it came to living situations; he liked to dream about the future and create stories in his head, but he didn't really seem to want anything when it came down to his life, when it came down to the moment he was in. Jaemin was starting to realize that was the kid's way of not being let down; if he had no expectations, he couldn't suffer from it. 

"I'm not going to," Jaemin confessed, later realizing Jaewon would probably tell his sister. She would be mad, but that was a conversation they could have tomorrow when they were together. 

_"She told me you were on board."_

"Jaewon," They were getting off-topic, "do you need anything?"

A moment of silence passed again, and Renjun could feel Jaemin tensing up, _"No."_

Renjun mirrored Jaemin, the tension creeping up to him as well, not for the situation they were in, but because he had been tense every day now, worried about things that couldn't change, concerned for a broken heart he wasn't sure he was able to fix - but he wanted to try.

Jaemin wanted to push on that button, still, he realized it was easy for Jaewon to get away from the conversation - all he had to do was hang up, like the numerous times he had done before, "fine," he sighed, "I'll be home tomorrow, we'll talk then."

There was no home to go to, and both Jaemin and Jaewon knew. Home wasn't a _place_ ; it was more about the people who had to be together, it was about seeing the kids after months, checking on their grandma, making sure everything was going well for their custody hearing. 

_"Okay,"_ Jaewon tried to sound unenthusiastic, but Jaemin knew him better than that, _"see you tomorrow, hyung."_

"See you tomorrow, buddy."

There was a moment of fumbling until the line went silent, Jaewon having turned off the phone. They were back to being just the two of them, and Jaemin deflated, as if he didn't have to stand upright anymore; luckily, Renjun was there to keep him company.

"What's wrong?" Renjun asked, aware now that the arm around his waist was gripping him tightly. 

Jaemin didn't answer right away; he just pulled Renjun closer for a hug, and the boy let him. "Let's just stay like this for a while, please."

They did, Renjun stroked Jaemin's hair while he had his head buried on the boy's neck. He didn't mind staying like this, "they sound lively," Renjun mentioned.

Jaemin laughed, distancing himself so they could look at each other, still with his hands on Renjun, "they are," he agreed, "you'll like him."

Jaemin was sure of it; Renjun and Jaewon were equally matched in terms of stubbornness and creativity, which was either a good thing or a sign of destruction. Jaemin was hoping for the first. 

"Are you worried?" Renjun wanted to ask this question ever since he found everything out; that was the first time Jaemin had showed him a sign of weakness when it came to this discussion.

"I'm always worried."

That was a feeling Renjun knew well, even more these days, because Renjun worried about Jaemin, about his entire situation. "Oh, good," He joked, "me too."

Jaemin looked at the boy, understanding that there were truths behind the light comment, and their feelings most likely mirrored each other right now - because they were both concerned about other people. "Thank you for staying," Jaemin told him. 

The one who should be thanking the other was Renjun, but he didn't feel like correcting Jaemin; if the boy wanted to think he was doing him a favor, Renjun would let him, "Sure."

And Renjun was relieved because then they could worry and resolve everything together. Maybe it was the accumulation of eventful happenings and the quietness of their hearts after all of it, but Renjun found himself getting lost in their peace, understanding Jaemin's setbacks, and making sure he knew that he had company. 

Jaemin kept his hands on Renjun's waist, circling with his fingers, enjoying their time, feeling Renjun's body on his, hearing the boy's breath try to stay the same. Jaemin lowered his head back to Renjun's neck, mouth landing there, still and tempting. He didn't know what made him take the extra step, but he wanted to open that door with Renjun; he wanted to stay connected like that tonight.

So when Jaemin looked back to Renjun's face, he kissed him. They weren't sure who was the owner of all the eagerness between them; all they knew was that it was there, and the kiss was open-mouthed, nervous, clumsy, like their own feelings. 

It felt so easy to kiss Jaemin now, and it was even easier for Renjun to get rilled up. Tongues rolling over each other, sweet and caring, conveying a powerful, intimate promise - one that was too much for any of them to decode, so they didn't try.

Kissing Renjun was always a new experience for Jaemin; he never knew what to expect. Their first kiss was initiated by Jaemin, Renjun participated, but he only followed his lead. The second time they kissed, inside Renjun's place, Renjun guided, forceful, overlapping, and Jaemin just tried to catch up. Sometimes they were gentle; others were violent. There was no way to know what version he would be getting, but they were all enjoyable and would leave Jaemin weak. 

Maybe Jaemin was falling for a trap, because every time Renjun opened his mouth, touched him, looked at him longer, Jaemin would be ready to fight a war for this man. He just needed to ask, and he didn't even have to ask nicely; Renjun could scold him, and Jaemin would still do it.

The kiss was filled with a new emotion, charged with electricity because they were finally conveying their own insecurities, which made Renjun comfortable, and Jaemin receptive. That was both exciting and terrifying.

Jaemin lowered his kisses, peppering Renjun from his mouth, cheek, jaw, to his neck. He kept his mouth there again, first taking in Renjun's scent - so sweet, so _him_ -, and then he opened his mouth, curious to taste this boy, curious of his reactions. Was Jaemin so wired to Renjun that even the taste of his skin, the shudder of his body, the little cry he held back, was he so wired that those small results influenced him to the point that he could feel himself burning inside?

He dared to slip a hand under Renjun's shirt, basking on the boy's warmth, feeling him tremble from the sudden change of temperature. Jaemin's fingers were cold compared to his skin, and his skin was getting hotter by the minute. 

Renjun put a hand on the floor, ready to propel himself to tower over Jaemin, but he didn't feel the softness of the rug under his hand; he felt the wrinkles of the papers they were ruining. 

"Shit," Renjun distanced himself, sad to lose Jaemin's mouth on his neck, "Jaemin, your documents."

Renjun's skin was properly pink, and he looked disheveled, yet he still had the virtue of looking around, realizing they were in the wrong place, and the last thing Jaemin needed was to give a bad impression with crumpled documents. 

Jaemin looked far more gone, and he had a hard time focusing on something that wasn't Renjun, or the little quivers he would do from time to time. He tried finding the boy's lips again, but Renjun kept his distance, ready to scold Jaemin, but words lost when he saw the amount of affection in his eyes. 

Maybe it was because Jaemin would be gone for days, and Renjun wanted to keep him close until then, or maybe it was because they had been playing with it but never saying, or perhaps Renjun was just horny, and there was nothing else to it. 

But before he could stop his own mouth, he found himself saying, "maybe you should take me to your bed, so we don't ruin your trip." 

And there was no way Jaemin would say no to that.

As soon as Jaemin pressed Renjun in the middle of his bed, getting on top of him, he realized this image would haunt him for the rest of his week. Renjun, with flushed cheeks, breathless, eyes sharing the trust, his hand on Jaemin's chest, to feel his racing heart before pulling him into another kiss, this one boy would trample all his other thoughts for the rest of his life.

There was no reason to rush, as they had the entire night, so Jaemin found himself talking, trying to keep the last portion of his sanity alive, "talk to me." He told him when he managed to distance his lips from Renjun's.

Renjun didn't really share this feeling with Jaemin, getting flustered, "right now?"

Jaemin chuckled, getting on his knees to take off his shirt, "yes," he came back down, meeting Renjun's hands again, who were eager to explore the newly exposed skin, his lips on Renjun's neck as he mouthed, "what's been bothering you?"

Renjun figured this was payback for the kitchen, and that was cruel. Because everything inside Renjun's mind was screaming about Jaemin's skin, his shoulder tattoo that was usually hidden, his defined abdomen that would tighten whenever Renjun's hand traveled to it. There was no way Jaemin wanted to have a serious conversation in bed when he didn't even have a shirt on. If he thought they could, he seriously overestimated Renjun and his self-control. 

"I will tell you everything _later_ ," Renjun promised, too breathless when he felt Jaemin's hand creep up under his shirt again, to claim the place on his waist, touch his skin and leave a burning trail, "but for now, _please_ shut up."

Jaemin agreed for once and if he didn't, Renjun could've cried. His lips reached Renjun's, and the boy quickly wrapped his hands around Jaemin's neck, keeping him there, finding his tongue, playing around, not letting him break apart and talk again. They only parted for Jaemin's lips to travel to his neck, to repay the bruises Renjun once gave him, marking him up - enough to make him flustered tomorrow, unsure how he would explain the numerous purple spots on his neck if anyone ever saw them.

Clothes were a burden, and they were quickly off, leaving the two in their underwear, still too careful to cross that last line. It did not matter at the time. There was still so much to learn about each other with that piece of clothing on. 

Jaemin positioned his knee between Renjun's legs, and whenever he went in to kiss him, he would apply pressure on Renjun's crotch, halting his breath, frustrating him further. The pleasure gave him a sense of urgency, and his world closed in on Jaemin, on his cheeky smile, and his offensive hands, who kept gripping and taking, and were so different from his usual demeanor but were so welcomed.

Jaemin's nipples were sensitive; even just a hand brushing would make him suck his breath; when Renjun lapped his tongue in one of them, Jaemin whined, a cry so timid it gave Renjun a surge of power, and Jaemin had to actively distract him with his own mouth so that Renjun didn't torture him any further. Renjun liked being held; he liked it when Jaemin would grip his thighs with force, when he pulled him by the waist to feel him closer, when he was rougher, biting and sucking his skin, leaving traces of his fingers through his body.

Jaemin seemed to especially adore Renjun's neck, the bruises forming were enough to prove it. He relished in how he could feel the boy's quivering breaths and the tension on his muscles. He gave some other marks on his chest too, hoping those would stay until he was back, until he could make some new, a secret game for them, a promise made for two. 

Renjun was too shameless to try and hide the love he had for Jaemin's tattoos. He traced them, kissed and bit the one on his shoulder, and finally gathered enough courage to push Jaemin's underwear down - suddenly remembering there was still one tattoo he knew nothing about.

Jaemin caught the change of behavior, guessing why suddenly Renjun was braver, judging from his pattern. He helped him take off his boxers, sliding it all the way until they were on the floor, and the first thing Renjun could think about was that out of everything he thought Jaemin could have tattooed, he never thought he would have a tattoo of a barbed-wire on his crotch. There were so many questions in Renjun's eyes, and Jaemin could see all of them, the laughter creeping up on him, battling with the heat pooling on his insides. "I can explain," Jaemin tried.

But he couldn't, not when the hand Renjun used to take off his boxers decided to contour the lines of his tattoo, hindering him breathless, thighs tensing up. Especially not when Renjun's fingers left the permanent ink to wrap around Jaemin's dick, hard, and twitching, and desperate for just that - to feel Renjun's warmth. 

Renjun realized Jaemin's words were a lie, but he still said, "go on," hand starting to move, flicking his wrist, hearing Jaemin's soft noises - his head lost on Renjun's shoulder, so gone, grinding with Renjun's pace. Renjun himself was uncomfortable, his own body constricted and craving, their breaths too messy to have a pattern, their skins starting to get sweaty.

Jaemin pushed Renjun's hand away, aware that he could have come from the intensity if they continued, and there was a lot he wanted to do still. Instead, he pulled himself away, receiving an unsatisfied groan from Renjun - mad that they were not touching anymore, Jaemin should stay there, he should take off Renjun's underwear as well and make him happy -, but he reached for his nightstand. The sight of the condom and lube made Renjun forgive the man for the sudden interruption.

Jaemin let them fall near Renjun, and he positioned himself back on top, hands on each side of Renjun's head. He didn't lower himself for a kiss, as much as Renjun kept tugging him for it; instead, he asked, "are you okay with this?"

It should be evident with Renjun's glassy eyes and demanding hands, but he still appreciated the concern, "yes." 

Jaemin kept his eyes locked on Renjun's but lowered his hand to pull on his underwear, freeing Renjun of the last piece of clothing. He got on his knees, and his vision was all legs and thighs, and Renjun being red all over, from the kissing and arousal. Jaemin opened the bottle of lube, splattering some on his fingers, warming it up while Renjun tried to stabilize his breathing, aware that the next movement would hinder it all useless anyway.

Renjun was so pretty like this, determined to give, but willing to compete. His body lean, and soft, and so giving, so gone. He shut his eyes when he felt the first touch, Jaemin's finger circling his entrance, pressing when he found the opening, careful and composed, letting Renjun adapt, keeping his other hand on his thigh, massaging whenever he would feel him tense up. Jaemin worked his way inside, reaching up to his knuckle slowly, testing the angles, being gentle, and receiving soft cries in return, deepening, maddening, riling him up just to frustrate him further. He stayed there until Renjun's laments dissipated, until he was sure he could move on.

He retracted his finger, only to smear more lube and introduce two inside Renjun. This time, Renjun had to actively shut up his own cries, aware they would get louder, unconsciously parting his legs farther, embracing the feeling. Conscious the man on top of him was Jaemin, that those fingers belonged to him, and the realization of what was happening was making him crazy.

And Jaemin cared about this; he cared so much about Renjun, he went out of his way more than once just to make sure this boy was safe. His hands conveyed that feeling, the affection, the pure admiration towards his body, expressions, and the chemistry between them. The sight was unreal; seeing Renjun lose himself was something very few people had the privilege to see, and Jaemin was sure he would never get over it. 

The stretch was welcomed, burning, sharp, and Jaemin worked his way inside again, taking moments to let Renjun breathe, to let the pool of heat inside him calm down, just to rile him up again, intensifying, enjoying his noises, watching him fall apart, the crease between his eyebrows becoming furrowed permanently. The heat burning on their skin and Renjun was almost broken by the time Jaemin decided to curve his fingers; to reach the spot he was sure it would crumble the boy. And he was right, because Renjun stopped breathing, threw his head back, exposing his pink neck, flushed and bruised, and Jaemin was sure he never saw anything as pretty. 

He could feel Renjun's thighs trembling around him, Jaemin was feeling so powerful, as if all he wanted and all that mattered in the world was making one boy go insane, and he was managing just that. He reached with his other hand for Renjun's dick, aware that taking his hand away from his thigh would make his movements challenging, even more aware that it would make Renjun weep because of the double stimulation. That's all Jaemin wanted really, to keep Renjun like that, and to distract him when he withdrew his fingers again, to add three of them, properly opening him up, preparing for the next step.

Jaemin was growing impatient, his mind clouded by Renjun's soft moans, too intoxicating for him to function properly, precome dripping down his legs. Still, it was Renjun who found the strength to stop him, his hand coming to wrap Jaemin's wrist and stop his movement, the desperation in his eyes. They didn't have to talk, Jaemin lowered to kiss Renjun, a kiss filled with so many emotions, so much frenzy, all Jaemin wanted was to stop the time, keep them there - mouth on mouth, careless, learning all about each other's bodies.

Renjun's legs unintentionally closed when Jaemin got back up, and the boy found it funny, putting his hands on Renjun's thighs, asking for permission. He let Renjun take his time, reaching for the condom, rolling down on himself, and dropping more lube on his hand and length, preparing and stroking himself. He got a pillow and Renjun propped his hips up, Jaemin adjusted the pillow under him, still caressing his thighs, keeping him comfortable.

And as soon as Renjun opened his legs again, for all his unexpected and collapsing behavior, Jaemin could not help but hate himself. The rush of hatred took him by surprise, sudden, and vicious because he could've had this sooner. He _should've_ had this sooner. If only he had forgotten his insecurities, if only he had agreed to meet up with Donghyuck all those times his friend asked him to; if he asked about the boy with smudged chalk on his face and dare in his eyes. Jaemin could've gone to Renjun and struck a conversation, introduced himself earlier; this was long overdue. This boy was long overdue to be his like this; exposed, accepting, and tempestuous.

It took all of Jaemin's discipline to hold back and go slow, to not forget everything and ram into him, the head of his dick nudging on Renjun's entrance, the pants contained as he pushed inside the boy, relishing in Renjun's reactions; furrowed brows, eyes closed, the crinkle on his forehead shining with sweat. Jaemin rested his lips on Renjun's temple, giving him time, his own eyes closing, trying to reason with himself not to move, taking in Renjun's smell, and hearing his unstable breath.

There were no sounds other than irregular breathing inside Jaemin's home; even the cars outside were loud, life continuing out there without even knowing how things were changing in this one apartment. The first move came from Renjun, who raised his head, eyes looking for Jaemin's, to make sure he wasn't crazy - that this was just as intense for him as well -, and the answer came from Jaemin's pupils blown wide and the mellow smile forming on his lips, a sweet mockery, private, only for the two of them, just for this moment. And Renjun found his voice only to mutter a " _shut up,_ " to have his own mouth shut with Jaemin's, a chuckle being lost once the thrusting started.

If anyone thought Jaemin wouldn't be Renjun's demise, they had never had the boy inside them, stretching him open, burning him in. Jaemin's rhythm was erratic, like the waves back in Pohang, so cruel and luring that even the most experienced fisherman would surrender - dragging him in just to crash later, dig deeper, claim his body and soul so no one could ever do the same. Every snap of Jaemin's hips made it harder for Renjun to keep his silence and composure, his teeth lost hold of his bottom lip and, as soon as his mouth hung open, the cry he was keeping in fell out - too breathy, too intoxicating. 

It made sense to Jaemin why he kept that in; it somehow was extremely obscene for that plea to be leaving Renjun's mouth. The way his hands would travel from fisting the sheets to digging his nails onto Jaemin's forearms, unsure where to ground himself, doubtful if he would ever manage to - it was a sight that could break any man's resolve.

After a few strokes, and Renjun settling down, Jaemin was able to keep a pace, to find his rhythm, and frustrate Renjun with it. The boy under him pulled him closer, burying him in his heat, tight and damp, and locking his legs around his waist. It became harder to move, but Renjun's hands found themselves a home in Jaemin's hair, desperate to keep him close, determined to shush all his moans with Jaemin's mouth on his, and there was no way he could ever tell Renjun to stop.

From their first kiss, Jaemin knew he was in trouble. From being inside Renjun, Jaemin knew he was _gone_. All logic disappeared; there were just the dirty sounds of skin slapping against skin, muted huffs from Jaemin, and Renjun's loud quivers. It was music to his ears, hearing Renjun try to say his name, settling for an incomprehensible moan instead when Jaemin thrust his hips harder, making it difficult to even breathe.

Renjun was just as intense in bed as he was everywhere else in his life; it did not matter if he was under Jaemin or that the boy was setting the rhythm for them. When he decided there was not enough friction and chose to meet Jaemin midway, the groan that left the boy's lips was loud enough for Renjun to be sure their neighbors could hear them. Jaemin faltered, his arms giving up, almost collapsing onto Renjun with no grace. 

"Give me a fucking _warning_ ," Jaemin grunted, picking himself up, hands on the sides of Renjun's head, his eyes traveling to Renjun's lips, the mischievousness not lost there, a silent challenge, his eyes filled with disbelief, that he managed to crumble Jaemin's pattern with one new move.

"Right," His voice was low but taunting, the threat still on the air, it was too delightful to see Jaemin break to not try that again, "sorry."

It was so fun to tease, provoke each other, groan against each other's mouths, and shush all their cries locking their lips together, holding tight to whatever they could, mark more, bite more, and lose themselves into the mixture of pleasure and downfall. Their pacing was formed by an agreement; it required effort from both of them – Jaemin pounded as deep as he could, grazing the spot he was searching for, and Renjun would lift his hips, thighs burning from the exercise, only to be rewarded with another kiss. Every time it would get a little messier, irregular, wetter - sweat and precome involving them.

But Jaemin got tired of that position, he craved more; he got back to his knees, and Renjun was startled with the movement. Jaemin pulled Renjun's hips towards him, raising him with his own strength and securing him in place so that Renjun's waist was in the air. 

He felt exposed, the cold air getting between them, Jaemin being too far. Renjun would have complained; he would have asked Jaemin to come back so they could feel each other up again, revel in his warmth and drink his moans. But Jaemin decided to thrust back in and hit the spot with so much intensity that Renjun lost his breath. Every complaint was lost somewhere in his fuzzy mind. 

Jaemin saw it happen; in that position, he had first seat tickets to all of Renjun's expressions. He saw Renjun's face go from concerned to uncomfortable to then break out in surprise, satisfaction rushing in with every new thrust. He somehow did not care anymore if he was loud, perhaps too lost to remember the walls were thin, and that the lady downstairs was going to find Jaemin rude. 

Someone had lit a match, and now Renjun was on fire. The heat pooling low in his abdomen starting to ache, his body's way to remind him he had to let go. 

And just like a slingshot, their movements would only pull on the tension, the strings straining more and more, all fondness gone, all that was left was lust and the desire for release. Jaemin's hands on Renjun's hips were securing him so tight they would leave a mark, the amount of pressure adding to the fire growing inside.

Jaemin became the focal point of Renjun's world. It's all just Jaemin, his constrained arms, the veins showing up, his tattoos, his bright pink hair, his tight lips, tense jaw, and his eyes that show his world, at that moment, was Renjun as well. 

Renjun tried opening his mouth, tried saying something, and it was all too much. Jaemin understood anyway because next thing he was lowering himself, looking for the boy's lips, wanting to be as close as they could, Jaemin's hand reaching for Renjun's dick, to give him the release he wanted. Jaemin tasted sweet, like the coffee with insane amounts of sugar he used to drink; he also tasted like wonder, like what Renjun was sure adventure felt like. 

And when a slingshot is pulled too hard the string snaps. It snaps, and all the precision and thoroughness comes crashing down. Instead of reaching the goal, it bounces back to the person holding it, unpredictable, taking their breath away since _that was not how it was supposed to go_. And Renjun could feel it all, the heat coming to its peak, the moan in his throat too loud to be contained, and maybe this wasn't how it was supposed to go, but it was better. 

Renjun came first, tired, and violent, his head thrown back on the pillow, chest flushed and elevated, his body curling on himself, unsure if he should be still or make a run for it, uncertain if they would be able to take it. Jaemin kept thrusting through Renjun's high, searching for his own release, inebriated with Renjun's expressions, with his reception. He tried once, twice, and Renjun's loud puffs somehow became too much, and Jaemin came undone, locking lips with Renjun to keep them both quiet, to stop his own cries. 

He put his forehead against Renjun's, recovering from his own high, watching as Renjun tried to catch his breath, as he tried to remember the world still existed, and it wasn't just reduced to that apartment or that bed. 

If Jaemin could have a say on that, he thought it _should_ be, and, at least for that moment, they could pretend. They could forget about everything else, about absent parents, family discussions, overworking jobs, everything. Tonight, there was only Jaemin, Renjun, and the peaceful little world they created for each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jeno and Renjun: wow a turtleneck what's that mysterious piece of clothing  
> Jaemin: *feeling slightly violated*  
>   
> Remember when I said I was going to take my time updating because college was starting again? Ha. I wrote most of this one in class, while my Critical Theory professor talked about images that would shape history.  
> I just HAD to open my docs and start writing - otherwise, I would forget like a lot of other scenes in this story, and I was too fed up with forgetting my own plot.  
> I am kinda glad no one can sit next to me otherwise this would be awkward. We also went with no beta this time cause I guess we are really going down today.  
> Anyways, we had our first sex scene! I would appreciate any feedback on it, thank you!  
> Oh and we finally found what was Jaemin's fifth tattoo.... next chapter he will try to explain, I swear.... He will not do a good job with it tho.....  
> Have a fun weekend everyone, be safe!  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/toojuns)  
> 


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry to keep you all waiting this long, the world was mean and I didn't have much time these past two weeks, but I'm back!  
>   
> [spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4A8yyS6TLlglvsBWyirQd1?si=-uQs6aaZS127QgM5oJaMFw)  
> [pinterest board](https://br.pinterest.com/clariexyz/1-his-tattoos/)  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/toojuns)  
>   
> Songs for this chapter: Slip Away by Oh Wonder and Smile by Fuvk

Certain things in the world make a person feel at home — a specific smell, a scratch on the wall, a bed unkept, a noise. 

For Renjun, it was always the tv on the only channel that had Chinese movies without dubbing; it was the smell of oil paint and thinner - even if he decided not to engage on those activities, his house would still smell like that -, it was the copious amount of cushions he liked to have on his sofa - all colors possible, the one thing in his living room that did not match -, and it was also his photographs - his friends and family, all gathered in his presence. 

For Jaemin, he was sure home wasn't  _ there _ anymore. He associated with people back in high school; home was his mom, then his sister; in college, home was Jeno. But it just never felt right. Home was never materialistic for him; it was about the experience, about being comfortable. And before he could understand, home started being a six-year-old with dirt in her hands and a ten-year-old with stars in his eyes. Home was also a foulmouthed twenty-two-year-old, so confident in himself, so anxious about the world, so accepting of others. 

Renjun started to understand what was like to have someone be your home as well; Jaemin being inside his house just felt  _ right _ , it was natural to share the space, to listen to their problems, to wash two sets of cutlery, to exchange good mornings and good nights with one another. He wasn't sure how he would cope if that routine were ever to change; Jaemin was just as much a part of his house as the cushions he used.

And Jaemin's home expanded to others materialistic belongings; it was Jaewon's notebook filled with drawings and stories, it was Jaein's yellow plastic shovel that she used to try and touch the worms, it was Renjun's pots and pans and the way they would talk about their day while Jaemin cooked. 

Home was also moments, this one in particular, having Renjun sleep on his bed, all wrapped inside the blankets, body cold from not having Jaemin beside him anymore. And Jaemin finishing his packing, wanting to go back to bed and wake up Renjun, not to waste any more time, but also understanding that he needs his rest. 

Home was also not wanting to leave; it was thinking of ways to concentrate all of his heart belongings in one place, it was being scared of the future, but understanding change was inevitable. 

And as much as Jaemin liked Seoul and his friends, home was somewhere else. He left his place months ago, and this was nothing but a pitstop, checking in on everyone he left behind, making sure they were well, gathering what he needed, but leaving again, this time, with the conviction for it.

Home was, inevitably, not there.

Packing was never Jaemin's favorite activity, but right now, the action came with a promise of reuniting, and that gave him the relief he didn't feel in months. Packing also came with the promise of confrontation, as he would have to meet his dad, try to work things out - to have him at least not make things more challenging than it already was with the custody. Jaemin didn't have to get his permission, as his dad was no longer the guardian, but it would favor Jaemin in court if he managed to get his signature - and he needed all the luck he could get. And packing also came with a promise of sorrow, for he would be taking another step in the desired direction, but he would be sacrificing the brief routine he created over the months and those relationships.

"What are you doing?" Renjun's voice was low, hoarse from sleeping, but it still vibrated throughout the quiet apartment, so much that it startled Jaemin. He was trying his best not to make any noise, but he still managed to wake Renjun. 

The night was calm and silent; it brought a peaceful ambiance to Jaemin's hectic state of mind. This one boy, with a groggy voice, somehow managed to wipe away all his previous thoughts. Jaemin didn't really care; he would have time for those later, but his time with Renjun was short, and it was ticking.

The clock struck around one in the morning when the boy decided to wake up. Renjun's feet were too cold, his stomach was rumbling, and he realized they never ate anything. It was always puzzling to wake up somewhere that wasn't his bed, and Jaemin's place had the same structure of his; their beds were in the same area, which only made it even more confusing. It was common enough to give Renjun a familiar atmosphere and hit him with the whiplash of not having any of his belongings there. 

It also did not help to find the other side of the bed empty; he searched for the other boy, hand scurrying through the surface and only experiencing cold sheets and wrinkled pillows. Jaemin had been gone for a while. He opened his eyes with caution, scared of the brightness, but finding out there was no need for that, as Jaemin had turned off all the lights. Now the only sources of illumination came from the faint glow from the street through the windows and a table lamp beside the boy, helping him organize the things inside his suitcase.

Jaemin was back to sitting on the floor, and Renjun couldn't understand how he was getting by with just his sweatpants on - Renjun had cocooned himself with the blankets and was still cold. 

Luckily for Jaemin, the cold in Seoul was nothing like Pohang's, as the latter was closer to the sea, and therefore, staying like that didn't bother him. It would take much more to make him shiver.

"Finishing up," Jaemin answered Renjun, "go back to sleep, I'll be there in a second."

Having Jaemin next to him in bed was a tempting offer, but Renjun's stomach was grumbling, "I can't," the boy complained, ruffling the sheets, "I'm hungry."

There was close to nothing to eat at Jaemin's place; they would usually eat every meal at Renjun's, and with Jaemin leaving for a while, he didn't buy many snacks that month. "Get my cellphone," Jaemin gestured to his phone next to the bed, "order something for us."

Renjun didn't want to stick his hand out from the covers, as everything was too cold at that moment, but the promise of food gave him a reason. 

"What do you want to eat?" He asked, mindlessly navigating through the app and the options of delivery they had.

"What is still open?" Jaemin asked back. It was already late, so they couldn't order from their usual places; no neighborhood restaurant was still open at that time.

"Mostly pizzas and late-night snacks."

Jaemin finally finished arranging all his documents so they wouldn't rumple and checked if all his clothes were packed. He was done; there was nothing else to do but leave tomorrow. 

He looked at Renjun, his whole body covered with the blanket, silhouette barely visible from the yellow lights coming from the window, a focused expression while he analyzed all the options on the app, his face brightened because of the phone. There was very little to see, as Jaemin tried to keep that part of the apartment dark so that he wouldn't bother Renjun. But there was a lot to imagine, and that might've been just as troublesome. Renjun didn't need to be visible to be pretty; he was astonishing by memory as well. 

And he was a wild card; there was no amount of creativity in this world that would've made Jaemin imagine he would find someone like Renjun in Seoul. With his fiery temper and gentle smile, that one boy was never a part of his plans, and yet, there he was creating all sorts of new narratives.

"Jaemin?" Renjun asked, waiting for an answer Jaemin didn't even hear the question for, and the boy noticed he was staring for too long.

He shooed his thoughts away, "Pizza is fine."

Renjun accepted and made the order. As soon as he could, his hand was back under the blanket, and there was only a hint of his face visible, his eyes, which were now glued to Jaemin. "It says it will take forty minutes."

Jaemin nodded, zipping his suitcase and getting up. 

A normal, reasonable Renjun would have thought forty minutes was a fair amount of time to wait, especially that late at night, but Renjun was hungry, and the prospect of waiting didn't seem very appealing. His annoyance quickly weakened when he realized Jaemin had finished his chores, and he was finally free to join Renjun in bed.

There was only one other thing bothering him, and Renjun stopped Jaemin before he could climb back to his bed.

"Can you grab me my pants?" Renjun asked, suddenly self-conscious.

It was one thing when they were both naked and had to clean themselves, that didn't trouble him; they were equally vulnerable. When Jaemin climbed back to bed for the first time, when they were both fresh and clean, he was still naked. When Renjun fell asleep, Jaemin was right by his side, looking at him, hand on Renjun's arm drawing shapes, voice quiet, lulling him to sleep. They were both under the covers, but still very bare. This development made Renjun flustered since now he felt he was the only one exposed.

Jaemin stopped on his tracks and looked at the pants beside him on the floor, evaluating, "No," he decided, but had the mercy to get Renjun's underwear and toss it to him.

"Jaemin," Renjun was quick to dress himself with at least his one piece of clothing, all under the blankets, away from the eyes, "I would still like my pants."

Jaemin realized Renjun thought he was up to something, and as much as Renjun's body and voice were ingrained on him, that was not what was at the forefront of his mind. It was also amusing to Jaemin how Renjun got shy suddenly - as if he would've forgotten everything after a couple of hours. 

And for him, the physical vulnerability Renjun displayed had nothing on the emotional one Jaemin presented; if anyone exposed themselves in their relationship, it was Jaemin. The boy with heart in shambles, so desperate to keep his pieces together, terrified of the outcomes, and brave enough to dive in anyway. He was full of contradictions, and Renjun knew all of them.

"They're jeans," Jaemin argued, presenting his case.

That wasn't what Renjun expected, so he just blurted a poor excuse, "They are comfortable."

They were as comfortable as jeans could be; Renjun liked to wear them loose, but they were still jeans, and Jaemin didn't want the boy to be even mildly uncomfortable. He weighed his options; Jaemin could also lose his pants, and they both could stay in their underwear, but that could send a wrong message, and they still had to greet the delivery guy. "Barely," Jaemin responded, going to his wardrobe to grab something for Renjun, "Here."

He tossed to Renjun one of the sweatpants he usually wore to bed and waited until a hand emerged from the blankets to take the clothing. When Renjun stopped wriggling himself and stayed still, Jaemin figured he finished dressing, "Can I?" he asked, gesturing towards the bed.

Renjun had the nerve to add, "I never said you couldn't."

He didn't, but the look he gave made Jaemin sure he would've gotten hit if he tried to get back to bed with Renjun still in his underwear. He didn't have to heart to argue, so he just chuckled, "Sure."

Renjun gave up on his cocoon to make space for Jaemin, to share warmth both from the blanket and his body. When Jaemin laid down next to him, he was cold, and again Renjun couldn't understand how his body wasn't shivering yet, but he still stayed near. Jaemin's hand searched for Renjun's, and they lingered like that, sideways looking at each other, only connected by the fluttering touch of their hands.

There were a few loud heartbeats from Renjun until he managed to find the courage to say, "I have a few questions."

Jaemin had his own as well, and if they were going to talk, he'd rather have the comforting warmth of Renjun's body on his, instead of the space barrier they were in. He took his hand away from Renjun's to tug at the boy's hip, pulling him closer, and only talked when they were touching again, the boy's head on Jaemin's shoulder, "How many minutes do we have?"

Renjun tried his best to search for the cellphone without disentangling their bodies; it took some time, but he finally managed to get Jaemin's phone from his side of the bed, "Like, thirty minutes."

"Okay," thirty minutes wouldn't cover all, but it would suffice, "tell me."

"What's the story behind your tattoo?"

"Which one?"

They both knew which tattoo Renjun was asking about, but the boy still answered, "all of them."

There were some tattoos he liked, ones he loved, and only one he regretted. 

The only adults he spent his days with in Pohang were fishermen, some younger than him, and some old enough to be his grandfather, and most of them carried tattoos as a symbol of strength and perseverance. 

Jaemin never really cared about tattoos until he met this strange group of people and realized the form of art it actually was, the commitment they made every day with it. 

The first tattoo he got was the moon on his shoulder; that was the one he was sure he would never get sick of. It reminded him of his mom, and how she would stay on the porch of their old house looking at the moon and never explained why. Still, Jaemin found himself doing the same thing as soon as the kids went to bed, he would bask on the silence, only the moon and his mom's memory as his company. He never felt so close to his mother than in those peculiar times. 

The burn was weird from the tattoo, but not thoroughly bad. The needle felt too hot against his skin, and after a while, he could feel his hands shaking, flesh overwhelmed, and the adrenaline made him agitated. Jaemin was alive, and that little disturbing pain was the proof of it.

The second one came on his ankle, and it did not have much meaning other than Jaemin liking the art and wanting to feel the prickling sensation again. He chose the wrong location, though, because whenever he would walk the next few days, the wound throbbed, too sensitive to take the impact. And he was left with a week of walking funny and having to take the kids to school like that. 

The third one was on his crotch, and that one he truly hated. He didn't care for the tattoo per se; it was the moment it came with that was the problem. Jaemin didn't mind tattoos that much to have thought out all the places he wanted them; they came randomly most of the time. And the barbed-wire came as a bet, one time when the kids were already asleep, and he made the mistake of meeting with some of the men to gather more information about the kids' living situations before he got there.

They drank, because that was what they all did there. And after one too many cups, someone decided to make a bet; whoever stopped drinking first had to tattoo something embarrassing. Jaemin just went with it because he thought that wouldn't be him, and on that same night, he had a new tattoo, this time on his crotch. 

Jaemin didn't care for it, but once the morning came, and he had to take the kids to school, the throbbing on his head was nothing like the pain on his heart when he saw Jaewon's face.

Because Jaemin drank. A lot. To the point where he still stank like alcohol, and he smelled like his father. And although Jaein was also wary, Jaewon's eyes were far more scared - he looked so confused and betrayed - and Jaemin couldn't even imagine what those kids had to go through to have learned those facial expressions. 

He made a promise to himself to stop drinking after that day, one that he wasn't fulfilling entirely, but was getting there. 

"You don't drink anymore?" Renjun asked.

"Occasionally," Jaemin circled the skin on the hem of Renjun's sweatpants, sending shivers down his body. 

Jaemin drank with Jeno, Mark, and Donghyuck the night he decided to tell them where he went. Liquid courage was necessary to get by Hyuck's questionings. He guessed he would need it again to tell Hyuck about being lovestruck by his best friend. But he vowed not to drink when he got custody of the kids.

The last one of his tattoos were the constellations, and those were done in the last month he stayed in Pohang. Little stars on each of the boy's forearms, disconnected, delicate, and with a message so powerful to Jaemin that it would sometimes get him teary-eyed just looking at them. These tattoos also came with promises, but good ones, surrounding reunions and unconditional love. 

The idea first came from Jaewon; the boy knew they couldn't stay together because of legal papers, and as much as he didn't understand it all, he proposed they create their own contract, one that would tie them to what the other's wanted, and the hope of sticking together. Jaemin didn't need any sort of encouragement, as he left already knowing he would come back, and he would not stop until the kids were with him. But Jaewon didn't trust people, and as much as he liked Jaemin, that did not equate to trust; he needed something concrete, and legal documents appeared as concrete as they could get in his little world. 

They wrote out a few things: the kids would have to do all of his homework before playing, Jaewon would have to stop taunting Jaein with the worms, Jaein would have to take good care of her gardening equipment and not leave them scattered, Jaemin would just have to  _ come back _ .

The bar was set so low for Jaemin that it came as another dagger to the chest. Every single time, the boy left with heart in shambles, a terrifying want of keeping it all together and realizing it was impossible. 

Instead of signing the papers, Jaemin thought they could make it more official, something that could never be replaced, and that's how they came up with the constellations. It wasn't anything but little dots, and someone had to connect them; the kids decided on their designs, and Jaemin tattooed them to his forearms.

Renjun supported his torso to see Jaemin's tattoos better; he traced the one closest to him with his fingers, a heart. He tried tracing the other, but to no avail, as he couldn't understand what it was, later realizing all the weight of his body was on Jaemin. 

"What's this one?" Renjun asked, looking at Jaemin's face, inches away from his.

Jaemin was visibly affected, his eyes glued to Renjun's lips, but he still answered, "I have no idea," that drawing was a mystery to him as well, "you'll have to ask Jaewon that."

Jaemin was almost sure that drawing didn't really have a meaning; it was just something Jaewon could connect and create other things through, and that was so him, so creative, that Jaemin didn't even get mad about the other thing he almost tattooed on his arm.

That didn't matter at the moment, though, as Renjun was still very close to him and made no signs of leaving. "Come here," Jaemin said.

Home was also this, getting Renjun's lips on his, the reward after their talks, a comfort to their burdens; it was so natural now that when Jaemin opened his mouth to deepen the kiss, he found Renjun's lips already parted, and their tongues met instead. There was no rush anymore, only understanding. The kiss was slow and calming, and all Jaemin wanted was to memorize all of Renjun, his smell, his taste, and to pray he would remember him as well, and maybe they could pick up where they left off once he got back. Maybe they could make this work.

The doorbell rang, and it was a mess of limbs and mouths in bed until Jaemin finally tickled Renjun enough, so the boy let him go, and he could greet the delivery man with his flushed face and little dignity.

They ate until they were full, got back in bed and kissed, and cuddled, and somewhere through the night, Renjun fell asleep again, and Jaemin was left alone in the woken realm, memorizing this boy's face and keeping his heart next to his own.

Going back to classes that day was excruciatingly tricky; Jaemin had so many things to do, so much to think about, and none of it would be in any of the tests he was studying for. None of what he worried about was ever academic, and even Jaemin, studying Social Welfare, was aware that what college preached and what reality demanded were two separate ideas. 

The morning was chilly, and it came with the first signs of an establishing winter; Renjun complained about the cold, and put his freezing hands on Jaemin's back when the boy told him he was a baby. Jaemin cooked, and Renjun kept the atmosphere light, even if his thoughts were starting to jumble. He didn't want to go to classes that day; it felt so meaningless at the moment.

Nevertheless, he went because he was Renjun's ride, and Seungjo had texted him that morning, telling him they needed to talk. 

_ Meet me at the infirmary as soon as you arrive. _

The message was sober, and as much as Jaemin knew that was just Seungjo's way of talking, he couldn't help being nervous about it. 

The nurse was his upper hand, and having Seungjo by his side was crucial at the moment. There was no one else who could testify for Jaemin just as Seungjo could; he had all the traits and stories a court would like to see; a full-grown adult, with a stable job in the medical profession, and sentimental ties to Jaemin. Out of everyone he had told his resolve to, Seungjo was the only one who could actually help out right now. 

He couldn't afford to lose Seungjo. Even if their recent conversations ended on positive notes, Jaemin was asking for a lot, to testify in court for a kid that disappeared for months without telling him nothing, to vouch for the safety of two other kids. If Seungjo was pulling out, days after Jaeun decided not to be a part of it as well, Jaemin was sure he would crumble. 

Renjun helped load the car with Jaemin's suitcases and tried to keep the conversation light while driving to college. Jaemin realized they had now changed places, as Renjun was the one wearing a turtleneck to hide the spots, familiar only for the two of them. The boy knew about Seungjo, learned about the plan, and he could sense the anxiety in the air - there was not much Renjun could do about it, but he kept his hand on Jaemin's, writing on it until they reached the parking lot. 

"Do you want me to go with you?" Renjun asked instead of saying goodbye and leaving the car like he always did. 

Jaemin chuckled. If there were a way to spend the rest of the day glued to Renjun, only listening to his laughter, Jaemin would have done it, but they had other duties, and Renjun really shouldn't be skipping his, "You have classes right now."

"I can skip the first one," Renjun considered, the tension on Jaemin's muscles was enough to keep him wary, "I don't really care."

That statement only made Jaemin's grin wider, and with the way he was looking at him, Renjun knew he was about to get nagged, "Please start caring," Jaemin asked, "We can't afford to have us both failing our classes."

They never talked about grades, but it was understandable for Jaemin to struggle coming back to a routine he had neglected for so long, and having added responsibilities to it, nonetheless. Renjun was a different case; his mind was a jumble of worries, and he felt guilty over not handling any part of his life well at that point.

Renjun sighed, knowing Jaemin was probably right, but also not wanting to give in. 

"Go," Jaemin said, nudging him with his elbow, gesturing towards the building, "I'll call you later."

That promise made Renjun find the strengths to face another day. Maybe that night they could talk. Maybe this time, he would be the one Jaemin would save his nine pm talks to, now that he would be with the kids. 

Renjun hesitated, only for a second, his eyes darting from the building to Jaemin, making a decision. "Okay."

Whatever that decision was, Jaemin never knew. Renjun just opened the door and left, like he always did, unashamed and hasty. Except for today, he took a piece of Jaemin with him as well. 

Not having Renjun next to him made the emotions run high; something about this tiny boy with a big personality just stifled out everything else. And if Jaemin thought he was nervous before, right now, he was frightened. 

So Jaemin left the car and ran, almost trampled someone on his way, said he was sorry, but didn't have the decency to check if they were okay; he just ran and got to the infirmary as soon as he could. Seungjo was already there - like Jaemin knew he would be - organizing some papers on his desk. The university still had to convert all their department's documents into virtual folders, and the medical staff was the last one in priority.

"Jaemin," Seungjo looked worried, "why do you look so scared?"

Jaemin thought that was brilliant, coming from the person who demanded to see him in the morning. People didn't ask to see others as soon as they could if it wasn't an emergency, of course he was scared. Jaemin had a lot of fears these days.

And Jaemin, with his alarmed eyes, looking too big and vitreous, his irregular breathing - signs of the running -, and his messy hair; Jaemin looked scared. And that was a red flag for Seungjo, his protective side kicking up the moment he understood Jaemin's feelings.

"You wanted to see me?" Jaemin asked, ignoring the elder's question. 

That didn't sit well with Seungjo; the last time Jaemin ignored his questioning, he left for six months. "Did your dad call you?"

The crease between his eyebrows told the nurse Jaemin was confused by his train of thoughts, "What?" the boy stood awkwardly in the middle of the room, "No, why?"

Because Jaemin looked frightened, and that was not a look Seungjo liked on him, and that was a look he frequently wore before. The nurse had promised himself that if Jaemin ever reached out again, he would support him. And he would advise him, instead of being scared of overstepping his boundaries, as well. 

Because Jaemin was a good kid, who needed a lot of guidance, and was thrown out to the harsh reality without any sort of preparation. Seungjo was sure Jaemin was capable but knew he needed reinforcement, and he could, for once, try to be the person the younger once saw in him.

"You look scared," Seungjo explained, "like, a lot."

"You told me you wanted to see me first thing today."

Jaemin was scared of the elder. Of what that harmless message that morning could entrail, and Seungjo never understood better the power of his own words. He was stupid to approach the topic like that; he never intended for Jaemin to feel frightened. 

Because that message was harmless, he never meant to alarm Jaemin, but here the boy was, with flushed cheeks and fear in his eyes. So much of a kid, and so little of a man. And yet, Jaemin was perhaps the biggest man Seungjo had ever met. 

"Sit down," He was exasperated, "it wasn't supposed to send you into overdrive."

Jaemin deflated; a rush of relief came to him as soon as he understood the hastiness of the message was just Seungjo and his loud, sharp personality. He should've known, and part of him did, but he wasn't sure of anything these days, and disapproval came as an old friend. 

"What do you want?" 

"Good morning to you too, you brat," Seungjo kept signing some of the papers. Months before, when the infirmary became a second home to Jaemin, he would hear Seungjo continuously complain about the amount of paper the university would waste, instead of taking a week to organize everything and give the nurse a decent computer to work with. "Just a second."

He signed some more papers, every time his signature would become more absurd, and once finished, the nurse put it all away underneath his desk. He took off his white coat and grabbed his keys, standing up, "We need to go somewhere."

Jaemin, who was still sitting, only looked at him, "I have classes."

That was such an obvious thing to say. If Seungjo got his keys, it meant they would be driving, and Jaemin was sure that if he drove more that day, he would just end up in Pohang hours earlier than intended. And he could be having a hard time at school, but he wasn't giving up just yet.

"And I have work," Seungjo reminded him, "so it would be better if you just came along as quickly as possible."

The boy didn't understand anything, but he followed. Because Seungjo was like that, he would rather show than tell, and the easiest way to quiet down the screaming inside his head would be to follow. 

It was an unusual car ride; both of them were still awkward. Like they were the days prior to Jaemin leaving, with Seungjo tiptoeing and the boy caught up in his demons. But this awkwardness had a reason; it came from a commitment that was still to be made, and that took all the power away from Jaemin. 

And as much as he preached to Renjun about letting others help, it was easier said than done, especially regarding the children, his children. He had so much to lose, and Seungjo really didn't have anything to win by agreeing to him. It could lead to so much unnecessary trouble. How was he, in his right mind, in a place to ask for favors? When he neglected everyone around him and took off with no explanations? How could Jaemin ask for Seungjo, out of all people, to vouch for him? 

Shame wasn't a comfortable feeling to have; it crept up and made a bed in his mind. It would scratch with its claws every time Jaemin felt at ease, and right now, it reigned rampant through his body. And the shame was especially sly because it would wait for a high moment to pass just a little, to bring him down again, reminding him where he was and where he should be. At the bottom.

He wished he would've taken upon Renjun's offer; having the boy there would make things easier. Renjun always knew when Jaemin felt stressed, his voice would usually quiet down the monsters inside his head. He was so demanding, so unapologetic, just one question, a straightforward act, one hello, and Jaemin's world would shut up. And there would be no more inquires inside his head, no more burning, no shame.

Jaemin wasn't exactly sure when it started, he only remembered when he realized. He was embroiled in legal terms and paperwork, his head filled with assumptions and mistakes, and Renjun appeared, sat down next to him, and with just a touch of his hand, things went quiet. And just as quickly, a lot of other thoughts popped into his head, but they were all positive this time. They were all Renjun, and his hand, and his touch, and  _ why was he there?  _ Why, in all of the places he could be, and all of the people he could meet, why was Renjun choosing to be there? 

Whatever the answer was, Jaemin didn't really know; he never did, but Renjun would stay there. Not only Renjun stayed, but he also came back, and he lingered until not only his presence but his touch became a constant. 

Renjun that one afternoon had a power Jaemin was trying to learn for months, and right now, he understood that skill wasn't taught. That was just Renjun, and perhaps the boy didn't even realize what he was doing, but he appeared, and everything went silent. It was so entertaining to think someone with such a loud, daring personality, so feisty, was the reason why Jaemin's world would calm down.

And if he were to be there, Renjun would have probably struck a conversation by now, tried to get them talking, breaking the ice. So Jaemin decided to take a page out of the boy's book, but Seungjo was faster.

"You're probably wondering why I'm taking you so far," He started, "it's not to kill you, don't worry." 

He joked, eyes still on the road. Seungjo was also trying, and it made Jaemin realize he wasn't the only one with worries - that somehow made it all better. Seungjo had been his sole partner in the loneliness before, and he was still now.

"I'm just thinking about my classes," Jaemin lied, mostly to poke at Seungjo. 

"You'll survive," The elder scoffed, "but honestly, I was thinking about your request."

So it was about that, Jaemin's inkling wasn't wrong. His hands were sweaty, and he cursed himself for having breakfast that morning; his stomach was closing up around itself. 

"You don't have to do it," Jaemin tried to take the burden away from the elder, even if it would increase his, "I know it's a lot."

"Do you have another person you can ask this to?"

"I have my sister." Jaemin lied. Jaeun was the last person he could ever ask to testify for him in court; she would have laughed and shut the door right to his face.

"I don't believe you," Seungjo laughed, "you wouldn't have come to me if she was okay with the situation." 

Seungjo signaled to get out of the road and stopped the car; they were just outside Seoul, and that's when Jaemin realized he had been stuck in his head for at least half an hour. 

Jaemin also cursed how he was always so comfortable around Seungjo and how he told him about his life, and his relationship with his sister. If he only managed to shut up once, he wouldn't be so nervous right now.

"How is she handling this?" 

There were a few moments; cars passed them by, and he answered in a small voice, too ashamed to be loud, "Not great."

Seungjo nodded; he could understand. It wasn't like he was thrilled about this, and as much as he cared for Jaemin, he couldn't imagine how his sister must've felt. 

But he was here to help, not judge. "Give her time," he said, "She'll come around."

Because the other alternative would be not having Jaemin as a big part of her life, and the nurse didn't need to be a genius to understand that wasn't really an option. He didn't even have to meet the woman to know that; he just had to know Jaemin.

"But that's not why we're here," he took the keys out, gesturing for Jaemin to get out of the car as well, "walk with me."

They walked to the sidewalk and went up a small hill; Jaemin didn't know much about this neighborhood. All they could see were old houses, some buildings, and convenience stores, the whole place was rather plain, and he thought Renjun would've loved it - it had the family-oriented vibe the boy liked.

Seungjo had a knack for making everything far more dramatic than it had to be. So while they walked up the ridge, he kept talking about the neighborhood, gesturing towards the stores and houses, talking nonsense while Jaemin was kicking himself inside, trying to understand it all. 

They had always been like this, and if Seungjo were to be completely honest, he knew Jaemin must've been anxious, and he relished in that thought; that wasn't even an ounce of the guilt he felt when the boy vanished. Jaemin would survive.

"We're here," Seungjo said, standing next to nothing, and if that was supposed to be a clue, Jaemin was lost.

Realizing the boy didn't understand, he gestured to the building across the street. It was small, and it looked old. 

"What is this?"

Jaemin asked, but before he could get an answer, Seungjo gestured to follow him inside. "You see," they took the stairs, "you're kinda asking me for a lot."

Seungjo looked to his phone for a second, checking something. 

Jaemin was asking for a lot; he knew it. He didn't have anyone else to ask, that's why he looked for the nurse, but Seungjo also didn't have any reason to say yes. 

"And Jaemin, I don't really trust you," Seungjo confessed, they reached the third floor, and the nurse was slightly panting, but trying to keep his cool. Jaemin just powered through his stomach's flips and burns. "I like you, but there's no way I can guarantee the children's safety, or yours."

"But you don't have to?" Jaemin said; he never wanted to give another burden to the nurse, "All you have to do is tell them what you know about me."

"And that could go south pretty fast," He argued, "you see, what if they ask about you disappearing? Your record is not really that great."

"That's so low, I only left to stay with my siblings."

They reached one of the doors, and Seungjo put the pin to open it, "I know." They both did; Seungjo opened the door and gestured for Jaemin to go in.

It was an empty apartment, larger than Jaemin and Renjun's flats, but still relatively small. It had a few pieces of furniture hidden under blankets, and Jaemin got it. 

"It's my sister's old place," Seungjo explained, "it's been vacant for a while, and she is open to renting it. I explained your situation; we could offer you a lower price, but you'll still have to pay."

Jaemin was staggered.

"I live near," The nurse kept going, "so it would make me less nervous about letting you alone with two kids."

"Seung-"

"There are only two bedrooms," Seungjo kept going, ignoring whatever remark Jaemin had to add, "and there might be some fighting because of it, there's nothing I can do about that."

"Seu-"

"I know the building is old, but we just checked and replaced the electrical a few months ago," Seungjo continued, "you're safe."

"Se-"

"I don't want to hear you complaining," Seungjo added, "I put a lot of thought and effort into this, so just take it."

This was beyond what Jaemin could've imagined, and beyond what he thought he deserved; therefore, he was stuck between feeling grateful and ashamed. He was sure he would never be able to repay this debt, and yet, Seungjo wasn't asking him to, and wouldn't either. 

Jaemin spent too many months with his dad that he forgot what genuine care and affection from an older parental figure looked like. Even with no ties attaching the two, Seungjo's gestures and concern were far more than whatever Jaemin ever felt from his dad, and he knew, deep down, that was how he wanted his siblings to think of him - just like Jaemin thought of Seungjo. Someone he could turn to and talk about his anxieties.

"Thank you," Was all Jaemin was able to say. 

Seungjo took as a win, so he only added, "No problem."

The apartment was nice, especially for the location. They weren't too far from Seoul or the university; all the other places Jaemin looked were at least an hour away. The kitchen and bedrooms were bare, and the furniture underneath the blankets was a sofa and a table, but no chairs. Seungjo said his sister left the couch because it was uncomfortable; it came in a pretty turquoise color, washed away from the time. 

They wouldn't have a garden, but they had a small balcony, and it would fit the three of them. He could get some pots, and they could plant herbs for Jaemin to cook with - something that would not need any worms; that way, Jaein could take care of it -, and at night, Jaewon could sit there and teach Jaemin all the constellations he knew nothing about. 

They could make this work; they could be happy here. It wasn't home yet. But that was only a matter of time and laws - Jaemin would make this a home, he would give his siblings just that. 

Seungjo showed him around the neighborhood, talked about the few schools near - the only reason his sister left was that her son was already grown and had to move to another place to pursue higher education. But he assured they were satisfied with the area.

Jaemin was more than satisfied anyway; he didn't imagine this that morning. And if waking up next to Renjun was the highlight of his day, this moment came as a close second. His heart felt secure, and Jaemin realized there was only one more thing to ask.

"Does this mean you're going to testify for me?"

Seungjo scoffed, "As if I was going through all this trouble and not see you win."

The rest of the day flew by, and before Jaemin could even grasp, it was the afternoon. During his lunch break, he had talked to Mark and Jeno, gave them the number to his lawyer if they couldn't reach him and needed anything. His bags were packed, and goodbyes were given, now all he had to do was leave.

He breezed through the city; the chaos of cars and high buildings wasn't something he was particularly fond of. Jaemin learned to love the quietness of Pohang, only to be interrupted when the kids were out playing or a door-to-door salesman passed by. But he liked Renjun's neighborhood as well; it was far less turbulent than the rest of the city, and it came with loyal restaurants and cute boys. 

The route to go to Pohang was also the route to Renjun's work, and everything that day seemed to go back to that boy somehow. All of Jaemin's thoughts were stained with Renjun.

So he took a detour, stopped his car, and called him.

"Hello?" Renjun answered fast.

"Hi," Jaemin shut his eyes and smiled. That voice. With the power to keep him quiet. "Am I interrupting?"

"No," something fell on Renjun's side of the call, "I'm just cleaning up for my next class. What's up? Did you arrive already?"

"No," Jaemin also answered, "I didn't leave yet."

There was a silence in the call, a moment of hesitation before Renjun asked, "Is everything okay?"

_ Was everything okay?  _ Jaemin wondered to himself; he searched inside his head for his demons, and maybe it was just Renjun's voice, maybe it was Seungjo backing him up, maybe it was Mark and Jeno and their support.

"Everything is fucking great, actually."

His voice almost cracked. There was only relief, pure and genuine, and he didn't remember the last time he felt like that. He wasn't sure if he ever did. 

"I'm glad," Renjun answered, his voice soft, the same tone he used to talk to Jaehwan - the voice Jaemin was first so jealous of, that now he would die to have it solely directed towards him.

"Yeah," Jaemin agreed, "can you step out for a bit? I'm outside your studio."

Renjun didn't answer, but Jaemin heard the movements from the other side of the call and figured the boy was doing what he asked. It took no time for a surprised Renjun to appear next to the car, opening the door to get in.

"Why aren't you on the road?" 

"I didn't say goodbye this morning," He explained; it sounded better on his head five minutes ago. "I thought I should."

Even if Renjun thought it was ridiculous, he didn't let it show, "You're silly."

Jaemin was, he wouldn't argue with that. He felt silly, and he was happy with it. "I know."

Renjun reached over the gear shift and gave Jaemin a peck on the lips. It was so brief that Jaemin had no reactions. "Please be careful," Renjun pleaded, "and call me when you can."

"Sure."

"Okay," Renjun had a class to teach, as much as he would like to stay, he couldn't, "Bye."

"Bye."

That was all Jaemin wanted, to say goodbye to that boy. And it was silly, and it was brief, and he wasted gas making the turn to reach Renjun's workplace, but that was what he wanted. And he would compromise a lot already, so maybe he could give himself this one splurge to his wants. 

He set off again, his heart was light, and now when he stepped on the gas, it all felt right. Jaemin was sure he would hear from his demons again, the crippling self-doubt that filled him, but not today, and he would take the win when he saw it. 

The trip wasn't a quick one; getting to Pohang meant staying in the car for hours, driving until he saw the ocean, and then following the outlines of the sea. He opened his windows, feeling the salty air fill his lungs and tangle his hair. He was close.

Jaemin got to the city earlier than he thought he would, and it was all thanks to his speeding. The kids were still at school, but not for long. So instead of going directly to the hotel - the same one he stayed that first night -, he decided to go to their school, give them a surprise.

The sun was getting orange, the first signs of the night creeping in, the sunrays weren't as warm, and Pohang was truly cold. Renjun would hate it.

The kids started to come out one by one, and then all at once. Jaemin left his car and stood by the school's entrance. There weren't as many kids as Jaemin would see on a school in Seoul, but it was enough for him to get confused. He wasn't sure if he saw Jaein or Jaewon; he wasn't sure even if those kids were their siblings' age. 

There was a lot of chatter and spirited running; some parents stood by to take their kids as well, some kids were already walking home. Jaemin stuck out his neck, but to no avail, he was almost sure he didn't see them.

And then, he heard the squealing before he could even understand where it was coming from, the playful shriek he was so used to. It was the same when she first saw his pink hair, or when she won a running match against her older brothers. 

Jaein was a little rocket of a human being, and she came at full speed towards Jaemin. And Jaemin didn't need anyone to tell him he was doing the right thing; he could be doing it all wrong, the glow in her eyes still made it all worth it.

Jaewon was behind, walking casually, but eyes fixed on his brother. He held his ground, although it was clear he was relieved the other side of the bargain was being met. Jaewon took a chance with Jaemin, and he was proving to be deserving of it.

Jaemin lifted Jaein for a hug when she was close enough, finally having this little girl next to him, where he could watch over her and keep her safe. And his little brother, so fierce and stubborn, so happy to have him back, even if he would not say it. They were only kids, presented with a promise of forever, and every one of them took it.

Home wasn't a place, it was never a place.

And Jaemin was home. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am once again writing this while in class - actually updating this while in class. We're not gonna talk about how I shouldn't be doing this, let's make it a pact.  
> A few things to say! I changed my username everywhere, the people who follow me in other medias had already known that. It's still Clarie and you're fine to call me that, I just thought it would be better to preserve my id on other places a bit more.  
> We're still keeping the thursday/friday (depending where you are on the world) updates, but I finished earlier and wanted to send it out already.  
> The last one is kind of a big deal; I'm still not sure, but I might extend this fic over the 20 chapters I first thought of, I'm embroiled on legal research for it and feel like I might need more time to set the pace without feeling rushed. So if I do extend, please don't kill me, I swear it'll be good :D  
> Have a fun weekend everyone, be safe!  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/toojuns)  
> 


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heads up to mentions of physical violence with a minor on this chapter, nothing graphic but still upsetting.  
>   
> Ok, here's to hoping October will be kinder than September to all of us, have fun reading!  
> [spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4A8yyS6TLlglvsBWyirQd1?si=-uQs6aaZS127QgM5oJaMFw)  
> [pinterest board](https://br.pinterest.com/clariexyz/1-his-tattoos/)  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/toojuns)  
>   
> Songs for this chapter: Without You by Oh Wonder, This City by Sam Fischer and Waves by Dean Lewis  
> Please don't call me out on my oh wonder agenda, I do realize it's getting a bit ridiculous and I'll change it another time D: shbadjka

Jaemin didn't call.

He promised he would, but he went radio silent for the next four days, and it drove Renjun insane. Every time his phone buzzed, his stomach would burn with the anticipation, only to get disappointed when it wasn't Jaemin. With head in shambles, Renjun wanted to call, take that first step, but knew Jaemin must've been busy - he didn't go back to Pohang for leisure, and if he decided to stay silent for all this time, he must have had a reason.

Jeno, Mark, and Donghyuck already knew how to cope with Jaemin's disappearances; they had six months of it. Jaemin was like that; he didn't just leave - he vanished. They went days, weeks, or even months like last time, without seeing or hearing from him again. And the trio was glad they at least got a heads up this time; they knew where he was, and that was better than what they have ever gotten from Jaemin.

But this was Renjun's first time, and he wasn't handling it well. Because Jaemin promised he would call, they had a little routine; Renjun couldn't fathom how the other boy could simply vanish like that, and not be affected because of it. Of course they knew where he was, but that wasn't enough, not with how they left everything, not when he thought of Jaemin as something _more_. 

Renjun was never like this; he was the self-sufficient one of their group. The person who decided to live alone first, who got a job not to burden his parents, and took care of people, not the other way around. But Jaemin came, and it was so easy to adapt to his ways, hear him talk, and let himself be taken care of as well. They created an atmosphere inside Renjun's apartment, a private time for the two, and not having Jaemin there in the morning or at night left him incredibly empty. 

Jaemin was usually the first person he saw when he woke up, and the last person he would see before sleeping. And Renjun knew that next week would be different without him there, but he never thought Jaemin would cut off all contact. He couldn't help but worry about Jaemin, about the kids, about the two of them, about maybe reading into things too much. 

He started to hang out more at Jaeun's, even on the days she didn't need any help, they were friends anyway, so she didn't make any comment about it - although wanting to. He took on the job to repaint the nursery room a neutral shade of yellow; Jaeun was listing the house for sale, and they needed to paint over Renjun's illustration. Staying in that room was bittersweet, especially while he was so worried about the one who helped him paint the little houses, who kissed him for the first time there. But ultimately, Renjun decided that at least focusing on something would help.

And Jaeun was a comforting company because she was just as anxious, or maybe even more than Renjun. The moment Jaemin left after their talk, he didn't set foot in her house anymore, and all the news she ever got from her brother came from Renjun. Now they were both without any, and it went without saying, but the fellowship was more than welcomed. 

Going back to his house was weird, and everything felt hollow. There wasn't the smell of spices or the constant nagging from Jaemin; there was no one to scold him when Renjun bought instant food because he was too tired to bother, and no one to remind him to open his windows when he was painting, and the fumes were already thick on the air. There was only Renjun, and for the first time, that was weird.

There were also constant reminders on his skin, traces of Jaemin who were disappearing by the day. His neck was clear of bruises already; the only ones left were on his chest and shoulders, shades of yellow and green on places he could cover, but were there when he changed his clothes or got on the shower. 

The weekend came, and with it also came the anger; Renjun could feel it creeping in. Why was he feeling so helpless? That wasn't like him; Renjun was a problem solver, he was useful. And how dare Jaemin make him doubt himself? 

He tried taking Chenle's advice to turn the anger into a productive feeling, so he started to move his furniture around and changed the layout of his whole apartment. He put the bed and his easel next to the window - where he could get the morning light -, the table was now doubling as a counter on his little kitchen space, and he had more room for his tv and coffee table. 

Renjun also cleaned like he never had before; his place was brand new again, he got the coffee beans from the brand Jaemin liked and kept it inside one of the drawers he never opened - out of sight and out of mind was his whole thought process. He changed his bedsheets into ones he never used; he gave up the white predominance on his entire apartment to have more earthy tones, all different shades of brown. 

And after his apartment had changed so much, when he was panting from all the moving, when it became quiet again, all he could feel was the loneliness. Because it wasn't the space per se that was wrong, it was just the pink-haired boy that was missing. And that little detail changed everything. 

Not wanting to mope around alone, Renjun cleaned himself from all his moving outburst and went to Donghyuck's place. At least his best friend would be able to make him feel better. Or, if anything, Hyuck would let him know he was ridiculous. One text was enough to let Hyuck know he was coming, also that it wasn't negotiable, not that Hyuck would kick him out - Renjun was never one to appear at his place without reason. 

And when he got there, the person who let him in wasn't anyone he knew, probably one of the new residents - Renjun couldn't keep count of who lived in that house and who didn't. Donghyuck was in his bedroom, lounging on the bed hearing music come out from his phone, while Mark was at his desk, working on some essay he had to hand out and singing along.

Their stance was so casual, so them. Mark and Donghyuck also had their own bubble, a time and space that was just theirs. Renjun couldn't understand how Mark managed to study like that, or how Donghyuck didn't get angry with the singing - he usually did when it was someone else. This room was theirs, and that was the reason Renjun didn't pry too much into Hyuck's living space; as much as it was endearing, it was also private. And right now, too much. Especially with his own space missing all of it. 

Mark greeted Renjun and received a smile back. It didn't need much from Renjun for Donghyuck to guess he wanted to talk, alone. 

"Mark," Donghyuck called, "could you get out?"

Mark looked back to his boyfriend, smiling, clearly thinking he was joking, a response on the tip of his tongue falling silent when he saw Hyuck's expression. They stayed like that for a long second, but then Mark got up, mortified, and gathered his notebooks with him, he left the room mumbling about it being his room _first_ , but Donghyuck never cared about those things. 

Renjun felt sorry, they could go somewhere else. But Hyuck figured his best friend would eventually come to him, and he wasn't going to let him dwell on technicalities. 

"Come here," Hyuck said as soon as the door closed, and Renjun was quick to join him in bed, sitting next to his friend against the headboard, "what's wrong?"

Now that he was here, and it was real, Renjun felt nervous. Because manifesting it into existence was a lot, and he wasn't in the safety of his neighborhood - he wasn't in the safety of his head anymore, if that place was safe.

Donghyuck didn't pressure him into saying it; the silence was understanding and tender. They would get there eventually.

Renjun took a few breaths, testing his own lung capacity, before muttering, "I slept with Jaemin." 

He didn't look at Donghyuck, but if he did, Renjun would've seen his best friend pinch his nose bridge, containing whatever outburst he wanted to let out, and just when Hyuck felt calm enough, he responded, "You're an idiot."

Renjun didn't regret it, but he was having second thoughts after being ghosted, and Hyuck's words pierced where it hurt most. 

And before Renjun could continue, Donghyuck perched himself up, sitting straight on the bed, eyes threatening, as if he had just realized something, and he slapped Renjun's arm, "Is that why Jeno is so smug?" He asked, "does he know?"

Whatever went on that house was a mystery to Renjun, "How would _I_ know? I didn't tell him."

Renjun hadn't thought of telling anyone until earlier that day. He and Jaemin were still figuring things out, and it was better to keep it between the two of them at first. It was awkward to present as a possible couple to their group of friends, that was now the same - and they decided that it would be best to do it later, after they were sure. 

There was nothing in Renjun's being that was sure these days, and out of anyone he knew, Donghyuck was probably the only one he could think to talk about it. His best friend was judging, but he was also warm and reassuring. He knew precisely what to say, even if it were things Renjun didn't want to hear.

"Not you," Donghyuck said, looking exasperated to his friend, as if it was obvious who he was talking about - and in his defense, it was, "Jaemin."

Renjun spent most of his time with Jaemin after that night, and he didn't think he would've said anything, not when they had talked about waiting. Even if telling Donghyuck was relieving, he also felt guilty for breaking their promise. 

But Jaemin had also broken the promise to call; maybe he could argue with himself over that later.

"I don't know," Renjun confessed, "why does that matter?"

This wasn't about Jeno, or Donghyuck, or whatever their displays of love and fights were; this was about Renjun, and what he should do next. 

"It doesn't," Donghyuck was quick to assure him; he rubbed the same arm he had slapped seconds before, a silent move to comfort Renjun, "tell me, what went wrong?"

Nothing went wrong, and maybe he was just overreacting. Renjun was used to having Jaemin in close proximity, and not having him there was unsettling. 

"I don't know," Renjun was confused and stressed, "he hasn't called."

"Have you tried calling?"

"No."

"I see," Donghyuck patted his thigh, "you're an idiot." 

Donghyuck had a motto in life: if he ever felt uncomfortable, he fixed it. If he had to go through it, he would enjoy it. It was nonsensical even to think Renjun could be dwelling on something he could've easily changed himself. 

He was always like that; Donghyuck knew how to bend the rules in his favor and how to make the best out of an unfortunate situation. He took without asking and loved with no fears. 

Renjun did think of calling before, but he was alone, and he convinced himself that the first call should've come from Jaemin - he was the busy one, and he was the one who promised. And there was this one little corner of his mind that kept growing, who was telling him maybe Jaemin did not care about it as much.

But it was nonsensical indeed, and Donghyuck drilled that into his mind. To the point where if Renjun didn't call, Hyuck would - and he would embarrass his best friend in the process. 

With the way Jaemin looked at Renjun, it left no doubt inside Donghyuck's mind he might be going through something not to call him right away - and Hyuck would make sure to remember that so he could pester him later. But Renjun didn't need to hear those things from Donghyuck; he needed to listen to them from the source itself. 

And when all seemed alright again, when Renjun decided he would call, Jisung appeared by the door of Mark's bedroom - an unusual, and yet welcomed friend. 

"Mark said I should check first," Jisung had only popped his head inside the room, the door being open just enough for it, "can I come in?"

Donghyuck didn't answer; instead, he looked at Renjun for the verdict. Renjun was calmer, and he didn't feel the urge to continue on the topic, so he agreed. 

Jisung finally pushed his body into the bedroom, revealing he had a massive backpack with him - which was weird, since everything close to Jisung would usually seem small, with the boy being so tall. He dropped his stuff next to the bed and joined them, sitting next to Renjun.

"What's up?"

"Renjun slept with Jaemin and was freaking out about it," Donghyuck said, clearly misinterpreting Renjun's agreement to have Jisung as an invitation to share his struggles.

It didn't matter as much, since it was Jisung, and his reaction was priceless. The boy looked flabbergasted, mouth open, clearly not expecting - Jisung was usually oblivious to his surroundings; he didn't care to keep tabs on anything or anyone, lost in his own world, reaching out whenever he felt like it.

And that was the reason why he was the only one who never even thought once about Jaemin and Renjun, "What?"

This time, Renjun slapped Hyuck back.

"I was not freaking out," he tried to defend himself.

Donghyuck saw the chance, "yeah, you're right," he looked over to Jisung, ignoring his best friend's angry semblance, "he gets dicked down once and forgets how phones work."

This wasn't familiar territory; Jisung usually left those talks to the others, but he still tried asking throughout his awkwardness, "Are you okay now?"

There was only one answer Jisung wanted to hear; only one would cut this conversation shorter, and Renjun knew his friend enough to answer, "Yeah, I'm fine." But he remembered to add, threatening both of his friends, "this conversation never happened, we die with it here."

"Not even Chenle?" Donghyuck asked, "There's no way Jisung will not tell him."

Renjun didn't mind Chenle knowing, but Jisung was quicker, "I have far better things to talk about than this," He patted Renjun's other thigh, "no offense."

Renjun swatted away both of his friend's hands, who were now clearly mocking him, "None taken. What are you doing here, anyway?"

Jisung spent a lot of his time with Donghyuck these days; those visits were already expected, and the reason for it could finally be revealed. 

"That game you played last time," Jisung reached for his backpack, "we're helping develop."

The idea came from a class Jisung took last semester, and with the help of the Video Games Club, they were slowly making progress with it. Donghyuck joined later, when they realized they needed someone who could have a better artistic sense - and Donghyuck was the perfect match. It took some time convincing, but now they were all on board.

Renjun looked at Donghyuck, guilt covering his face, "I was so mean about it."

"Yeah," Donghyuck wasn't fazed, "you kinda suck."

It didn't even matter, since Chenle was also mean about it. And almost everyone else too. It made Jisung frustrated initially, but Donghyuck, who got involved later, was just more interested in making it work now. 

They were slowly reconstructing it all, getting all the criticism and separating it into constructive and destructive, analyzing all they could do with it. Renjun stayed for a while, tried to give his artistic input when needed, and just enjoyed his friends' company and their extensive bickering. It turned into a fun evening; Mark came back to his room but gave up on his studies; it would be far too loud to concentrate anyhow, so he just hung out with them. 

When the night came, Jeno joined in - he was also kept in the dark about the boy's game development skills and was just as shocked as Renjun. Apparently, there wasn't a single of their friends who tried to be nice about it. But unlike Renjun, Jeno could actually pinpoint what he didn't like about the game since he was used to playing.

Mark and Renjun were again pushed to the side, because they knew nothing about games. But that didn't matter; Mark put him up to speed with his few last classes, and Renjun talked about the latest reality show he was into - Mark thought it was funny, but hoped Donghyuck wasn't paying attention; otherwise, he would make them watch it.

And when everyone got hungry, they went out to eat and Chenle met them at the bar. 

It had been a while since they went out like that, just college kids wanting to spend more time with their friends and complaining about their classes without any motives. Renjun wasn't the only one in high waters; both Donghyuck and Jisung were also having trouble keeping up with their college material - and that gave him a sense of belonging he didn't even know it was missing. 

Chenle and Jeno were top of their classes now, and it was all thanks to buckling down and spending their extra time at the library - to which Donghyuck thought he would rather flunk than go through it. Mark tried his best to shut his boyfriend's negative takes on their school system, even going as far as putting his hand over his mouth, but that only prompted Donghyuck to bite him. 

It was fun, and Renjun felt relaxed. They were transported back to their first outings as a group, when Jeno was just introduced to them. And in a little corner of his mind, Renjun thought of Jaemin - and although no one said anything, everyone was missing him as well. 

Jaemin had to schedule his visits with the kids now. And he didn't like that one bit. 

He got an earful from his lawyer about appearing by the kids' school that day; they didn't want to get anything on the way when he would present the guardianship papers for the court. And luckily, the home the kids were staying was understanding, but they could've had a headache with it.

So Jaemin was following a schedule now; he could only see the kids within small windows of time, he got to walk them to school, and got to stay for an hour and a half with them after it. 

Jaewon was also mad about it - but he was angry about everything and anything usually. Jaein was attached to the present, and she was the one who decided what they were going to do in their little short time. 

And with the winter coming, the wind being as cold as it could get, Jaein wanted to play on the beach. Jaemin was so enamored with being back that he didn't even hesitate; he just made sure the two of them had their jackets to keep them warm. 

There was nothing like hearing Jaein laugh and run free on a deserted beach - they were the only crazy people to brave through the cold -, and watch as she tried to play with the crashing waves; Jaemin had to warn her not to get too close at least three times. Jaewon ran for a bit with his sister but ultimately sat down on the sand next to Jaemin, wanting to stay near his brother.

"I found a place for us to stay," Jaemin told him, putting an arm on his shoulders, making sure Jaewon was warm enough. Jaein was electric, chasing the seagulls, and that would keep her warm, but Jaewon was sitting down and taking all the cold without any exercise. Because he was stubborn like that, and he even frowned over Jaemin's display of affection but didn't move. Instead, he waited for more information, "it's back in Seoul."

That was a new step, as Jaemin never talked to the kids about where to live before. Jaewon scrunched his nose, eyes watery because of the wind, "We can't stay here?" He asked, voice low, no confidence.

"I'm sorry, buddy," He was ready to get an opposing Jaewon, a little fighter who would put his foot down, saying he did not want to move, but instead, the boy seemed compliant, "I work there."

Jaewon knew the world favored the adults, and his wants were usually overlooked. There wasn't much he could do but accept it, so he just nodded.

"It's a nice place," Jaemin assured, "and we could visit the planetarium often, you never went to one, did you?"

Jaemin didn't remember the last time he went to a planetarium as well; it was probably with Jeno around his middle school days. But that didn't matter, because Jaewon's eyes lit up, and he was suddenly a lot more interested in their conversation.

"No."

"There's a big one in Seoul, and you could maybe take art classes," Jaemin added; Jaewon was in the age group Renjun usually gave his classes to, "I have a friend who is an art teacher, he's really good."

Jaewon seemed shaken for a bit until he composed himself back, face going back to neutral, "I'm okay." 

Activities cost money, and Jaewon started to understand its concept and how he didn't have any. Jaemin didn't understand why the sudden change, but respected Jaewon's privacy - he was sure Renjun could get Jaewon to yield into taking some lessons, and if he liked it, they could sign him up.

Jaein got tired of running around and scaring the seagulls by the water, so she came back to where her brothers were, sitting on Jaemin's lap. Her bangs glued with sweat to her forehead, she complained about being hot and wanting to take her coat off, but Jaemin made her keep it on. 

"We could also plant some flowers there," Jaemin was in the middle of putting Jaein up to speed - just like her brother, the idea of leaving did not make her happy. But Jaemin knew how to bargain with his siblings by now, "and you guys could help me decorate the house."

"And we could get a cat!" Jaein added, sparkly eyes directed to Jaemin, adorable, so much so that he had to look away.

"Maybe stick to the flowers for now," Jaemin retorted, "but we could paint the walls, draw something on them."

He liked what Renjun was creating for Jaeun's nursery, and maybe with the help of the kids, they could create something cool too. Maybe Renjun could give him some tips for it.

That left Jaein ecstatic; she thought about all kinds of drawings she would love to put on her bedroom, and even Jaewon chimed in with his own ideas. They spent most of their time thinking about the near future and making promises for it - all of them capable of being met.

Most of Jaemin's extra time was spent with their grandma, checking in on her, making sure she's been taking care of. When he left, his father was so eager to see his oldest son go, that he cut all financial ties he could've had. Youngsoo started to foot his mother's bills, which was just another way to send him away. 

And coming back months later, Jaemin found out his father had stopped paying for it all, and the only reason they didn't kick their grandmother out was because she would have no place to go.

Jaemin apologized and paid for everything, money he wasn't counting on spending. After settling it all and putting back his credentials as the immediate contact, he stayed with his grandma. She was doing fine most of the time, but presenting more lapses and getting frustrated from it. 

He presented all the forms to his lawyer on the second day he was there, and after they analyzed that he was fulfilling all the requirements and rules, they filed for a case to be open a few days later. Jaemin was told it would take one to two months for a hearing to be scheduled, and right now came the first ugly part: serving the paperwork to the children's family.

He wasn't worried about serving it to their grandmother; she came to like Jaemin a lot. And he was sure the court would pass her as invalid anyway. The one who worried him was his father, and he knew sooner or later he would've had to meet him again.

The cold by the beach was piercing his skin, and he was trying to convince himself the shivers down his spine were from it, and not from the inevitable meeting he was going to have that day. Jaemin felt like a kid again, looking for his father, trying to seize any sort of normalcy and affection he could. 

It was so easy to feel small when he was alone, when he didn't have the kids next to him to think about or have Renjun's voice to drown it all out. He went back to his father's house with his heart on his fist, and when he got up to knock on the door, he realized his hands were shaking. 

Jaemin stopped, took a deep breath, tried to rationalize why a rusty door would make him so nervous, but all his brain sent back to him was white noise; he couldn't think anymore, and with his mind closed off on his own, he knocked.

No answer. He knocked again. 

He forced the door, and it opened; his father must have forgotten to lock it. There was no one inside the house, and it was clear no one was taking care of it either. The garden with Jaein's flowers was dead, many beers and empty soju bottles were lying around - some were even broken -, the house was unkempt and dirty, and it wasn't even a home anymore.

The commotion alarmed some of the neighbors, who were now used to calling the police on Youngsoo's drunk endeavors. When one of them went to check and saw Jaemin, he directed him to the places to find the kid's father. 

The man also praised Jaemin for coming back, and that was another punch to his gut. He didn't deserve praise. Jaemin thanked him for the information and got back to his car.

All he needed was a signature; it couldn't be that hard. All he wanted was to keep the kids safe and not to lose them - Jaemin could take everything else. 

Facing his father was a challenge because it meant facing explicit rejection. Them getting back in touch was never out of affection; it was out of necessity for Youngsoo, and Jaemin was truly naive to think anything other than that - to believe he wasn't the only one stuck on the past, when in fact, his father didn't care, and wasn't the man he thought he was when little.

He didn't need to look far; Youngsoo was where Jaemin should've looked for first, a bar - one of the few that served mainly fishermen and was cheap. He looked haggard, sunken skin and poorly made beard. And Jaemin felt better for it; he shouldn't fear this frail man.

He was sitting alone and sent Jaemin a disdain look when the boy joined him; part of Youngsoo was shocked to see him there, never expecting to see his son again. But Jaemin wasn't like him, that was their first discordance, so of course he would come back. 

"Your hair is still pink," Youngsoo didn't have to say what he thought about that; it was evident in the way he said it, mouth going downwards with disgust. 

Jaemin didn't come to chitchat, and he surely wasn't going to take any advice from someone like his father. If he wanted to assert some dominance, point out whatever he thought was weird, Jaemin didn't have the time for it. He reached for his messenger bag and took out a folder, to which he handed it to his father.

"What's this?" His voice was rough, and Jaemin realized the foul scent he could smell in the air came from his father. 

"Guardianship papers," Jaemin talked for the first time, and he was pleasantly surprised with how calm he sounded. Inside, there was a mixture of white noise, children's laughter, and burning; he was far from calm. "I'm requesting to be Jaewon and Jaein's guardian."

Youngsoo heard that rumor before, about his kid trying to amend the mistakes his father had made, and it burned his insides. He didn't need all that right now. "Why are you telling me this?"

Jaemin had no idea what he was getting himself into, and if he went down that path, he would end up like his father. That thought seemed to appease Youngsoo; they weren't different from each other - and Jaemin would soon realize that.

"I need your signature," Jaemin explained, ignoring the twists and turns his stomach was doing, the glint on his father's eyes scared him, "so the court knows you're aware."

That wasn't a visit made out of the goodness of Jaemin's heart; he needed something from his father. And that put Youngsoo in a place of leverage - that was a first since they talked again. 

Youngsoo reveled in power; he never had much, and whatever spark he could display of it, he would fully utilize. And somehow, this kid with all of his arrogance and fake heroism needed something from him - he could work with that.

"What do I get with this?"

He could expect a lot from his father, but that sentence wasn't something Jaemin was foreseeing. What would he get from this? The guarantee that his kids were safe, that they were loved, and he could maybe even visit when he was better. 

Youngsoo didn't care about that, and it became apparent to Jaemin. Stuck on his personal hell, there wasn't a day where he would think about a possible future with his kids. Addiction was a scary monster, and Youngsoo had embraced his.

"What do you want?" Jaemin asked, suddenly breathless, like all the air in the world had just vanished for a moment. 

"Money."

Things clicked inside Jaemin's head, "what happened to your job?"

Youngsoo wasn't a valuable employee, and he went to work drunk one too many times; he was a threat to his own safety and colleagues. Days after Jaemin left, Youngsoo succumbed to his routine of drinking all day and wasting his leftover money.

And Jaemin didn't understand how the conversation suddenly became a transaction, or how Youngsoo had the nerve to ask his son for money - extort, even. 

"How much?"

A lot, apparently. Youngsoo was behind most of his bills - and even so, Jaemin couldn't be sure he wasn't going to waste it all on booze as soon as he left. That was a risky move; Jaemin's money was bleeding out faster than he thought it was possible, and Youngsoo was asking for a considerable amount of it.

Jaemin didn't agree at first but did assure he would look into it. He had to do his own math, and the sun was already setting, his time with the kids was nearing. 

That day, Jaein wanted to eat at one of her favorite snack bars, and they agreed to it. Jaemin was still shaken from the conversation and didn't even pay much attention to Jaewon's discoveries, or Jaein's spurs of knowledge. The kids were far more interesting than his father, and he knew he would regret not taking advantage of their little time later, but Jaemin's mind was hazy and worried.

He needed the signature, written proof that Youngsoo was notified of the case; otherwise, the court had every right to dismiss him. And he didn't want to go through it all again, to have to schedule his time with his siblings. Jaemin was impatient, and he was considering. 

And despite all the effort the kids made to snap Jaemin out of his brain, what made him get back to the present was an object. The cellphone Jaemin gave Jaewon; he put it on top of the table, and Jaemin almost didn't recognize it - the screen was shattered, and there was a part of it that didn't even light up anymore.

Jaemin should have chosen his words better, but the wave of frustration that rushed through him was inevitable, and he found himself scolding Jaewon before he could even realize, "Jaewon, what happened to your cellphone?'

Both kids were silent, shocked by Jaemin's observation skills. They had promised each other not to say anything, and in a reckless move, Jaewon forgot to hide the cellphone and left the display visible. 

After a short moment, he answered, embarrassed, and not looking Jaemin in the eye, "It fell." 

The answer was so simple and so casual that it enraged Jaemin even more, because out of everything today, he shouldn't be worrying over Jaewon smashing every new thing Jaemin got him. 

"You weren't careful, and I told you to be," Jaemin accused, looking at Jaewon with piercing eyes. The boy's ears were red, and he refused to let his eyes wander away from the ground, "those things cost money."

Jaemin, who misread his instance, thought the boy didn't care. And in the heat of it all, with his dad on his mind, and a lot of emotional baggage, he blurted, "Look at me," a little too forceful, and when his siblings obeyed, he added, "please don't make me regret giving you the phone."

That wasn't something he should've said, and it wasn't something the kids should hear. Regret was a powerful word, and throwing it around for a phone meant he could do it for other things as well. And it meant that he was regretting trusting Jaewon. 

He saw it on Jaewon's eyes; he watched them shift and battle with the moistness gathering there. Even Jaein was shocked; she left her corndog on her plate to try and talk about something else.

But the damage was done, and pretty soon, their conversation fell flat. Jaewon asked to go back earlier, and not knowing what to do, Jaemin complied. 

He was still mad about it, and he felt he had every right to be. They weren't going to be on the same page all the time, and Jaemin thought it was best sometimes to learn how to be the bad guy. That way, he could teach the kids the values of things.

Jaewon left the car without saying his goodbyes, and it was just another point for Jaemin. He would have to teach him manners as well. Jaein stayed back; she didn't even make signs of getting out. 

"Do you wanna stay?" Jaemin asked; they still had time. And it wasn't fair for Jaein to be punished by Jaemin over something her brother did, "we could go to the park."

That wasn't why she stayed, and in her six-year-old mind, she didn't understand all the secrecy, but remained loyal to her brother until then, "Jaewon told me not to tell you," she said, looking even smaller than she was on the backseat of Jaemin's car, "but it wasn't his fault."

Jaein was only there and not with her brother because she needed Jaemin to know the truth, and she didn't want to have them go back to her brothers being silent. She didn't want Jaemin to give up on them.

Jaemin thought that Jaewon might have been covering for Jaein, and it was actually her who trashed the phone. But the truth was darker, and as much as Jaewon didn't want him to know, Jaein wasn't going to let her brothers fight without her having a say at it.

Jaewon was careful; he took better care of his things than Jaein and any other kid at the home they were staying. But that wouldn't matter anyway, because Jaewon did break the phone, and he meant to break it too. 

But he only did so because his father came to see them, and he tried to get him to hand the phone and whatever else of value the kids could have. Jaein gave Youngsoo her gardening set, but Jaewon got scared of him and refused to yield Jaemin's old cellphone. 

That upset Youngsoo, and he was ready to take it by force when Jaewon remembered Jaemin's words, to be careful with the electronic, that if it broke, they wouldn't be able to trade for a better one later. And with that in mind, he smashed the phone on the ground. Shattering the screen in the process. 

Jaewon got slapped and thrown, and it took Jaein screaming to alert the workers. Jaewon was never that scared, and at that moment, when he saw his dad screaming and trying to get away from other adult's grip, all he could think was to call Jaemin, to ask him to be there with him.

Jaemin remembered that day. The one time he woke up to Jaewon's missed calls – the boy never called, it was always Jaemin making the first move -, and he remembered how nervous he was about it, not being able to reach him after. When he did, Jaewon brushed it off, saying it was a mistake.

He should've pried further. His brother shouldn't have to live in fear of anyone, and Jaemin should have tried to talk instead of throwing daggers at his younger brother.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Jaemin asked Jaein. 

"We were afraid you would fight dad." She said, voice tiny. Because that was still their father, and the kids spent a lot of their lives being dependant on that man, they shared a bond of affection – even if Youngsoo didn't deserve it. 

There was so much to learn with the kids, and Jaemin started with the wrong foot; he thought of the materialistic when he should've thought of their well-being, when he should've known prior to the incident. "I'm sorry to have scared you," Jaemin told his little sister, so fragile, and so experienced – on things she shouldn't have to be, "I'll talk to him."

Jaein made him promise he wouldn't shout or be mean, and she left the car as well. Jaemin greeted the workers at the house, and instead of going back to his hotel, he passed by an ATM.

There was a thousand daily limit for withdrawals in ATMs, so it would take days to reach the amount his father asked for. It would be faster for him to go directly to a bank tomorrow and get it over with. When that afternoon started, he was sure he would find a way to get the signature without handing the money, but now he had something important to trade – the money for not bothering the kids again, not like that, and not ever.

Pohang was much crueler than he remembered; when he got out of the shower back at his hotel room, his body was still tense, and not even Seoul had been as hectic. Maybe the problem wasn't the place; maybe it was him.

With hair still wet and dripping, he laid down. Too tired to even care about making a mess or getting sick - he just needed the day to be over. Unfortunately, the world was never on Jaemin's side, and his phone started to ring. 

Tempted to let it ring until it went to voicemail, he remembered it could be his lawyer, or even Jaewon, and decided to pick up, "Hello?"

"Hi," Renjun's voice echoed through his body, and he realized his mistake right then and there. Jaemin was so caught up with his legal problems that even if he did talk about Renjun, he forgot the other boy wasn't being notified; he was kept in the dark for days now.

"Shit," Jaemin didn't have excuses, "Renjun, I'm sorry."

There was silence by the other side of the call, Renjun too taken aback by Jaemin's sincerity, by the fact he seemed to have forgotten about their deal, and he didn't even try to hide, "Is everything okay?" Renjun asked.

Jaemin pondered whether to keep the conversation light or to get some insight from another person, especially when it was Renjun, "No," He decided, "not really."

Jaemin explained the legal missions he still had to do for the next few days and talked about serving the guardianship papers to his father and asking for his signature. He didn't tell Renjun about the money - too scared to fight about it, giving that he had already decided what to do –, but he did tell him about having to foot the bill to his grandmother's nursing home, and he told him about the kids too.

If there was any doubt of what Jaemin was doing inside Renjun's mind, it all pulverized when he talked about the siblings. 

"I kinda fucked up today, too," Jaemin confessed, "I accused Jaewon of something without knowing the context to it."

Renjun had some experience on fucking up with kids; he had more than one class filled with them. From time to time, things got out of hand, "Tell him you're sorry," that was the basic solution, and it usually worked, "and explain why you're sorry, it works with my students when they realize I know why they're upset."

Renjun treated his students the way he would've liked to be treated when he was that age, and that created a bonding filled with respect and, sometimes, even maturity. 

Jaemin accepted; it was nice having Renjun around, even if it was just his voice. Maybe if he had honored their promise, he would have less weight on his shoulders right now.

"I miss you," He let it out.

Words didn't do much when Renjun was the one calling, but he still couldn't keep his stomach from turning at those. Na Jaemin was probably his primary weakness by now, and that was a problem. "Yeah," Renjun didn't know what to add; he wasn't saying it back. "Do you know when your hearing will be?"

He changed the subject so abruptly that Jaemin had to muffle his laughter; he could picture Renjun being uncomfortable in his apartment right now, getting up and walking around, so that he had something to do.

"In a month or two," Jaemin rolled around in bed, suddenly realizing how uncomfortable he was with a soaked pillow under his head. "and I have to have it all ready until then."

Jaemin couldn't stop thinking about Jaewon, so he asked Renjun to talk instead. So the boy gave an update on Jaehwan and his new antics and broke the news on the game Jisung and Donghyuck were developing - Jaemin also never knew about it. Luckily for Jaemin, he never played; therefore, he couldn't give a bad review on it, which put him on Hyuck and Jisung's list of good guys. 

Mark was the only one who didn't talk bad about the game, mainly because Hyuck was too excited, and he told Mark before he could even play it, and Mark was nothing but a fearing man who cherished his sanity.

Jaemin laughed at that; he could only imagine Jeno was having the worst time of his life being roommates with Donghyuck after finding out he talked shit about something the boy created. Renjun also gave a quick update on Jaeun, so quick it was almost nothing - Jaemin didn't pry too much; he figured he should be the one talking to his sister, and not getting secondhand information all the time.

And Renjun also went on about his day, his classes, about going out and eating at the neighborhood restaurant they went to sometimes. Jaemin gave him a hard time when he accidentally talked about eating junk food - he should've known Renjun would turn to those kinds of food without him there. 

It was easy to slip back to their light bantering and affection. Renjun's words were breaking all of Jaemin's tensions one by one, and by the end of the call, he was laughing again, comfortable in his own skin. That day, instead of saying their goodbyes, Jaemin fell asleep, too tired from all the emotional stress from the past few days. And Renjun waited in line until he was sure Jaemin was indeed sleeping, to finish the call. 

Jeno was sure Jaeun was avoiding his calls. 

He thought she was just busy at first, but after three days of radio silence, he understood no amount of missed calls or texts would make her call him back. She was purposefully evading him, and he figured she would continue to do so if he didn't step up his game.

He called Renjun that afternoon. The only person who could perhaps get through to her without being cut off was Renjun, and Jeno would fully utilize that. The boy was at her house, taking care of Jaehwan, and when Jeno explained why he was calling, Renjun invited him to wait for her there.

Jeno knew more about the sibling's relationship than Renjun; he was there through it all. So if he thought he could get through Jaeun, Renjun wouldn't stop him. He was only one and was getting tired of being caught in the crossfire. 

Jeno was greeted by an enthusiastic Jaehwan and Renjun when he got there. The kid had paint on his face, and he was looking like a tiger. Renjun didn't have anything on his face, except some spots from accidentally rubbing his hand on his nose or forehead - but he was letting Jaehwan paint his whole arm.

"It's face paint," Renjun explained when he saw Jeno's shocked face, "I'll clean it, don't worry."

Jaehwan didn't care about Jeno; he was too excited about painting Renjun's arm purple and green - he sometimes would complain about Renjun moving, and the kid noticed the core of the problem was Jeno, who kept talking, so he tried getting Renjun to change places, his back facing Jeno.

"He's getting very possessive," Renjun laughed, explaining quietly to Jeno, mostly mouthing so Jaehwan wouldn't understand.

With Jaeun trying to talk more and more about his baby sister coming, and the concept of sharing his mom, Jaehwan had turned to Renjun as his emotional support. To a point where he would sometimes cry when it was time to say goodbye. Even if it gave Jaeun a headache, Renjun couldn't help but feel a little proud.

After a while, Renjun suggested for Jaehwan to help him paint Jeno's face, and Jeno was going to say no, but the kid got excited with the prospect of a new canvas. And Jeno had nowhere to run but give in.

They decided to keep the colors light so that Jeno wouldn't have stains later. Renjun was in charge of the yellow, and Jaehwan was in charge of the white - there was a lot more white on Jeno's face; he looked like a ghost, and Renjun was doing his best not to laugh.

"Have you been talking to Jaemin?" Jeno asked, trying to keep still.

"I have," Renjun was too immersed in connecting the white with the yellow and creating something they could understand. 

Of course Jaemin would call Renjun, Jeno buffed, "He hasn't called me once."

If Jeno was trying to compare exchanges, his situation was more alike Renjun's than he knew. Out of their group, Renjun and Jeno were the ones who couldn't stop thinking about Jaemin and his lack of notifications, "I called him," Renjun explained, "He's doing fine, already sent the papers to the court."

That made Jeno feel a little better, "Wasn't that all he had to do?"

 _Why isn't he back?_ Was what Jeno wanted to ask. 

"He has to notify all of the siblings' family about the process."

Which meant he had to face his father again; that was the realization in the air. They didn't comment on it, both unsure what the other knew, afraid to get new information, and be even more worried. 

"And has he?" Jeno asked at last, too curious to keep quiet.

"Kind of, but he hasn't gotten the signature yet." Renjun was doing an excellent job on Jeno's face; he managed to transform the blobs of white in petals, and now his skin was full of daisies. 

They got stuck in fearful silence, and it had more to do with Jaemin than them. They were on uncharted territory because Jeno and Renjun never really talked about Jaemin before, and it was exceedingly awkward now, because Renjun had started developing feelings, and he didn't know what Jeno knew about all of it.

Renjun liked Jeno, he was funny, and his presence had a calming effect. Jeno was so reliable that once he even managed to get Jisung to agree on going to one of those extreme haunted houses, a feat no one had ever managed to get – Jisung came out teary-eyed, but Mark came out full-blown sobbing. They became friends before Jaemin, and Jeno liked tagging along with Renjun whenever they went out – his sharp tongue was hilarious when he was drunk -, and Renjun helped him out whenever the swimming team needed banners. 

Renjun was also the one who shamed Jeno into quitting smoking; it made no sense to him how a swimmer would have picked up such a habit. And he was very loud about it. Donghyuck also helped him with the addiction, but he was ultimately too preoccupied with Mark and his nightmares to give him the attention he needed.

Jeno was never meant to be seen like the other guy's best friend, yet that was what it felt like. 

"What are you thinking of telling Jaeun?" Renjun was starting to get uncomfortable because they were silent, and because he was touching Jeno's face.

"I have no clue," Jeno confessed, "I'm just winging it here."

The more Renjun knew his friends, the more he realized that was a true statement to all of them. No one was entirely sure what they were doing; they were just hoping to get something right at the end of the day.

But Renjun thought that was a rookie mistake when it came to Jaeun; she would obliterate Jeno once she found out his reasonings. "You better start thinking now then," Renjun advised, "Jaeun is getting mad quick these days."

And he didn't blame her; Jaeun was at that stage of her pregnancy that even breathing was uncomfortable. She couldn't sleep properly, every day she felt more bloated, and now, her two-year-old was throwing tantrums to stay with Renjun. Adding Jaemin and her ex-husband to the count, it indeed wasn't easy being Jaeun these days.

Jeno pondered and swallowed his turbulence. It was true he didn't think to add all the woman's grievances to their conversation, and it was inconsiderate of him. He was so caught up on Jaemin, Jeno didn't even think about how his sister felt. 

But it was too late to go back, because as soon as he understood that maybe he was approaching it all from the wrong perspective, they heard the door open, and Jaeun's voice calling for her son and Renjun. 

Jeno always felt nervous when participating in a swimming tournament; these days, he felt the pressure was even greater - being the captain meant he was representing the team as a whole. But that was nothing compared to facing Jaeun today, as her smile left her face when she recognized who was waiting for her in her living room, and as Jeno realized his face was painted.

Renjun offered to make coffee for everyone, and Jeno took that time to go to the bathroom and try to take the paint off his face. Renjun had promised it wouldn't stain, but he didn't say anything about how hard it was to get the white off his face - it wasn't staining his skin, but it wasn't leaving it either. 

After a while, Jeno gave up. He didn't even dare to use Jaeun's towel to dry his face, using toilet paper for that. Too scared to dirty something. He could hear them talking when he was getting back, and it didn't seem friendly. Jeno tried being louder while walking, giving them time to stop; he almost let one of Jaeun's vases fall while stretching for no apparent reason other than making noises, and his heart jumped out of his ribcage.

Renjun offered to take Jaehwan somewhere so they could talk, and was relieved when Jaeun accepted. He didn't want to be there at that moment, and that gave Jeno a bad hunch. 

"It's decaf," Jaeun handed a mug to Jeno, "Renjun doesn't allow real coffee in this house anymore."

They moved back to the living room, where she could sit on her couch and be at least a bit more comfortable. Jaeun would have been angrier if Jeno's face wasn't so hilarious; he should've gotten the notion she didn't want to talk by now, but he looked scared, and the white and yellow patches of paint were not helping with how laughable he looked. 

"Tell me," Jaeun said, anxious to get it all over with, "why have you been calling me all week?"

"Why didn't you answer?" Jeno didn't know he could get even more nervous than he already was, but his stomach was turning, and he could feel the burning sensation from the hot coffee a little too vividly.

"Cause I didn't want to talk." That was obvious, and if Jeno reached out despite all of that, she figured the least she could do was listen to him. "How much do you know?" She asked.

"About everything or about you two?"

"Us," Jaeun was livid ever since she found out about it, and she was sure Jaemin would've told Jeno, "I mean, out of everyone, you can't be entirely happy about this. He didn't tell you either."

Jeno never thought it was about Jaemin not trusting him enough, or not wanting to tell him. He had spent most of his life being friends with Jaemin, being closer to him than his own family, so he knew this was an internal battle. And the only reason they were only hearing about this now, was because Jaemin had finally handled his own demons. 

But Jeno could understand Jaeun's side because all she wanted was her brother's safety, and getting slapped with the information that not only Jaemin was in touch with their father - a man who decided to bail on them over a decade ago -, but also was ready to become the paternal figure to siblings they didn't even know they had nine months ago, could only count as a betrayal in her book, especially since he didn't consider discussing it with her prior.

"I'm okay with it." Jeno pondered her words, "Should he have talked to me before? Absolutely, and he's an idiot for not doing so. But I figured I'm just glad he did now."

Jeno couldn't really grasp all the hurt Jaemin had inside; all he knew were from his sudden outbursts, and sometimes quiet demeanor - days in which he was so silent, people would forget he was even there. He had seen it all, and Jeno just wanted to help his best friend.

"And what did you come here for?" Jaeun asked. 

"I was going to ask you to give him a chance," Jeno thought about what Renjun said, "but now I just want to know if you're okay."

That took Jaeun by surprise. 

It shouldn't have. Because Jeno was like a little brother as well, he was the first one who stayed by her side when Jaemin left and the guy who went with her to every single police station. Jeno helped her move into her house, and was right beside her when she got married - and was also there when she decided to divorce. He was one of the first people Jaehwan ever saw, and it would be the same for her daughter.

She inhaled more than her lungs needed, taking her time to think about an answer, "I'm tired," She was too exhausted even to pretend like she was okay, "Jaemin's not helping."

"But he never did." 

That made Jaeun crack a smile, "You have a point."

The conversation stayed on Jaemin and his leave, and Jeno talked about the things he knew of it. Jaeun found it interesting to get a new perspective above it all; Jeno was far less careful than Renjun when talking about Jaemin. He knew him as no one else did, which made their talk insightful not only over their relationship but over Jaemin as an adult as well.

She could talk for hours, especially now that she knew Jeno didn't come as an enemy, but as an estranged ally. They all wanted the same things anyway, and he wouldn't force her to be okay with anything. 

After her third pee break, Renjun returned with a very sleepy Jaehwan, and that concluded their conversation - which didn't have an end, or a reason; it was just two members of a weird little family catching up with each other. 

"Do call me if you need anything," Jeno asked when leaving, "and pick up my calls too." He gave the woman an awkward hug; Jeno seemed to think Jaeun was fragile now. To which Renjun would beg to differ; if anything, he never saw someone as powerful as her.

He waited until Jeno left, and some more until he realized Jaeun wasn't going to say anything. 

"Well," Renjun was now sad he thought about leaving with Jaehwan, the conversation didn't seem hostile like he imagined it would be, "that seemed like it went great?"

Jaeun didn't respond. Mostly because she knew Renjun was also keeping things from her, and she wanted him to have a taste of his own medicine. But she couldn't help but smile for her friend.

Jaemin didn't find his father at the bar, and he didn't see him near the pier either. Therefore, he went back to his dad's home and found the door unlocked again. Maybe he didn't feel the need to guard his possessions since everything of value he had already been sold or was broken.

It was too cold, and he had forgotten his jacket back in his hotel room, but he was a man on a mission and even gave up taking the kids to school for this that morning. He could handle the frost for a little while, even if it made his bones shiver. 

Jaemin didn't care; all he wanted was to get it over with. And he was feeling a lot better this second time around going to meet his dad than the first time. 

There was a foul smell inside the house; it penetrated Jaemin's lungs and engulfed all of the corners of the room. He could peek into his father's open door and see a pair of feet. Not wanting to get closer, he slammed his fist on the door - startling both his dad awake and himself. 

"I'll be in the patio," Jaemin notified his drunken and dizzy father, "come on out, I've got the money."

That seemed to take all the lethargy from Youngsoo; his grunts turned from hostile to eager, and he quickly got up to meet his son outside by the porch. 

Jaemin had no idea what went wrong in his father's life, but the man standing in front of him did no justice to who he was in Jaemin's memories. Youngsoo was kind and reliable; he always used to play with Jaemin after work, even if he was tired. He smelled of cigarettes and grilled meat, reminiscents from whatever client he had to meet that day.

This Youngsoo, almost twenty years later, was only the shell of a man, as hollow as they came. He intimidated and hurt his kids, neglected his own mother, and was too busy drinking his monsters away to realize he was becoming one. 

He was revolting, and the way his eyes lit up when he heard about the money, but not when he heard Jaemin was getting the guardianship for the kids was also revolting. The way he got under Jaemin's skin, and even made him accuse Jaewon, everything, was repulsive. And it had to stop.

"You just gotta promise me one thing," Jaemin told his father, "you're not allowed to get close to my kids without me near them."

The possessive pronoun shocked both of them - Jaemin thought about them like that, but he never once manifested. Especially not to his father. But they were his kids now, and if Youngsoo wanted to get to them, he would have to go through Jaemin. 

"And even then," He continued, getting closer, not blinking, "You're not allowed even to address them while you still drink."

Jaemin was now invading Youngsoo's personal space, and he didn't seem like he was going to stop any time soon. He knew he could never make Youngsoo feel like Jaewon must have felt, but if he could get the man to be even a bit startled, Jaemin would be pleased.

"If one day, I see even a hint of fear in their eyes," Jaemin was much angrier than he initially thought, and his insides were burning, vision blurry from focusing too much, "and discover it came from you, I will come back. And you won't like it."

His father didn't care about any of that; he reached out for the check on Jaemin's hand, but the boy was faster. 

"I mean it," Jaemin told him once more, "I don't want you near them. Promise me."

Jaemin didn't realize he was taller than his father until then - he always felt so small next to him. Youngsoo grunted a confirmation, and that was the best Jaemin would be getting from him, so he handed him the check, and Youngsoo signed the report.

He backed off; his dad smelled of alcohol and dirt. His shoulders were less heavy, "Go visit your mother, she misses you."

Jaemin felt relieved; he could handle living with few privileges if it meant peace for him and the kids. All that he had to do now was apologize to Jaewon until he decided to forgive him. 

So he went back to his lawyer's office, they made copies of all legal paperwork with Youngsoo's signature, and he left to get them all authenticated. It was better to have more than one copy; that way, they were safe from anything. 

The whole day went surprisingly uneventful; Jaemin wasn't sure why, but he thought the sky was going to fall on his head after he confronted his dad like that. Nothing happened. He spent some time in his hotel room, texted Renjun to tell him he had finally gotten the last signature needed - to which Renjun never replied, but Jaemin guessed he owed him that -, and even met some old friends he made months back. 

And by the time the sun was setting, Jaemin had already memorized what to tell Jaewon. He wasn't sure if the kid would talk to him; perhaps the boy would just kick his shin and run away - again, Jaemin guessed he also deserved.

Jaewon didn't oppose going with Jaemin and Jaein to the park, but he didn't once meet Jaemin's eyes or his words. 

This wasn't an unusual behavior per se, as Jaewon was usually the one who was far too worried about letting anyone in. It took months of Jaemin getting shunned to even receive a customary greeting from the boy, and Jaemin had stomped on that trust with ease, as if he never worked to protect that little boy's heart. 

And just like any other day when he was pissed, Jaewon made sure everyone knew he wasn't having a good time. He would kick every rock he saw on the way, he twisted his face in an eternal frown and sat on the nearest bench he could see. Jaewon wasn't there because he wanted to be; it was because Jaemin brought him there, and as a kid, no one ever listened to his wishes. 

And it was so unfair, because Jaewon knew he was doing a better job than most of the grown-ups he met in his life. His grandmother would always tell him how good of a boy he was and how mature as well - Jaewon had many responsibilities kids his age never had, but people treated him like a kid again when it was convenient.

Jaewon was also scared of Jaemin's words. Maybe Jaein was still too young to understand the potential words could have, but Jaewon knew all of them, and if something like a cellphone was enough to make Jaemin regret trusting him, what else was he going to have to sacrifice now?

Too caught up on his own mental ramblings, he didn't even realize when Jaemin sat beside him. When he did, Jaewon quickly changed his way of sitting, scooted away, and showed his back to his older brother. 

"I'm sorry," Jaemin was the first to say, and respecting Jaewon's privacy, he didn't try to get closer, "I didn't even know what happened, and I accused you."

That took Jaewon by surprise. Grown-ups didn't apologize. Even when they recognized a mistake, they brushed it off, because he was a kid - and kids were usually treated as less. Jaewon learned to say sorry in school and from his grandmother, he would usually say when he didn't want his father to get mad, or when he knew he did something wrong, but he never got the same treatment from someone older than him. 

Jaemin was much older, an adult, and he was apologizing.

"Jaein told me what happened," Jaemin explained, "don't worry, I didn't hit him or anything."

That was a half-truth, but Jaemin didn't feel the need to disclose everything to his little brother. 

"I'm a jerk," Jaemin added when Jaewon turned back to sit beside him, "I shouldn't have talked to you like that, and I am sorry."

Jaemin couldn't express how ashamed he was, and all he could hope was that Jaewon would see through him, see how much he would like to mend things. 

"It's fine," Jaewon told him, renounce clear in his voice. 

"No, it is not." If they could change this into a learning lesson for the two, Jaemin would be happy, "I wasn't really angry at you, and I took it out on you anyway, you have every right to be mad."

Validation wasn't something Jaewon was used to; Jaemin's words made him warm inside, and for the first time in forever, he didn't act strong, he felt it for real. 

Jaemin called Jaein back so that he could tell both siblings at once. And looking into his sister's eyes, with Jaewon next to him, hands reaching for both of his kids, "There's nothing about you two I regret, not one thing." 

Jaein missed the whole conversation, but it didn't matter to her, as all she could see was that both her brothers seemed satisfied; therefore, she was too.

And they were fine. Because now, Jaemin had everything a court could ask for, he had witnesses both in Pohang and Seoul, who could testify about his nature, and he didn't have to worry about his dad stirring up trouble. 

Jaewon could learn to be a kid, Jaein wouldn't have to grow up quickly, and Jaemin could give them a sheltered life; he owed to them to at least try. 

Those two kids were all that mattered, and when Jaein ran to scare some doves she saw, the laughter that came out of Jaewon when his sister got scared of the birds who decided to fly in her direction was precisely what mattered. When Jaemin tried running with them, only to get trampled over by the two kids and forced to surrender, their little eyes and the light burning there mattered. 

_I told him I was sorry_ ; Jaemin texted Renjun as soon as he sent the kids home. 

_And?_ Renjun texted him back, a simple text, and Jaemin figured it was because, at that time, he was usually still babysitting - all his attention was on Jaehwan.

 _I guess we're okay now. Can I call?_ Maybe calling would be better. There weren't enough days in Jaemin's life where he felt invincible, and he wanted to share that feeling with Renjun.

_I can't right now. Jeno is with your sister, and she might be eating him alive as we speak, so I might have to go back and save him._

Jaemin had no idea what he was talking about, but he had supposed Jeno would try to act as a pacifier between them sooner or later. 

_Good luck._ He typed to Renjun.

_You too._

Luck was an interesting concept, because Jaemin never felt like he had any. 

He wouldn't call luck winning the swimming matches; he worked his bones for it, to the point where he knew when his nose would bleed. Getting good grades also wasn't about luck; it came from the anxiousness from the exams and having to give up his leisure time to study. It wasn't talent either, no matter what anyone would say, because Jaemin knew exactly how his mind worked and what he had to do to achieve the desired results. It wasn't luck.

But these days, Jaemin could consider himself lucky. Everything was slowly reaching their rightful places, and he didn't feel like his efforts did much. Maybe the universe was starting to give back to him as much as it had taken. And if every single bump on the road was to get to that point, he was okay with it. 

His week was filled with laughter, both in person and by the phone. Renjun managed to get some of the content Jaemin missed from his classes from a few of his classmates and sent it to him as pictures - they were blurry but manageable. At least he wouldn't have to cram a week and a half of missed classes when he got back. 

And Jaemin was stalling at that point, he had nothing else to do, but every time he saw the kids, he would convince himself to stay another day. Renjun assumed he had no say in his decisions, but the boy thought it was getting a bit much. 

Jaemin found a new excuse, a proper one this time; he went with Jaewon to get his phone fixed - and the owner of the store told him it would take a while to get a new screen, as they didn't have it in stock. Jaemin didn't even hesitate to agree to their terms, painfully aware he was too eager, and the owner might have thought he was crazy.

Ultimately, what made him decide to go back was no one other than Jaeun. Renjun had received a call in the middle of the night, and they went through their first false alarm. Jeno and Mark took turns staying up late to check upon Jaeun, and Renjun was trying to get his friend to agree to him staying at her house for the time being. 

And it made no sense for Jaemin to have his niece born and witness her family fighting; he didn't want that, Jaemin wanted to be there for his sister, and they had spent too much time apart already. He would gladly take his ego out of the room so she could stay. 

So he sat down with the kids and explained to them why he would be leaving, and when he would come back. Jaein was excited with the prospect of meeting new kids - ones that would be her family, even -, but Jaewon was wary, as always. There was nothing to fear, and that was a lesson Jaemin would teach him with time; there was nothing he could do about that sentiment at that moment. Only shower them with love and kisses, to which Jaein would giggle, and Jaewon complain.

Either way, without any other impediment, Jaemin left before dawn, when the moon was still up in the sky, the gentle light scattering through the crashing waves as he said goodbye to the sea and the city. 

The scenery went from the cruel winter sea, to the vast green, scattered houses and rest stops - filled with people going back to work, the type who decided to get the last bus or get back at the last minute so they could spend more time with their loved ones, Jaemin's favorite kind of people. Lastly, the buildings started to get taller, and the road was brighter, lamp posts were few in between, and he knew he had reached Seoul. 

The morning had barely started when he pulled up to his neighborhood, the one he would have to say goodbye in a few days. Instead of going back to his house, he stopped at Renjun's. And made a mental note to later give him a hard time for sleeping with his door unlocked. 

He was glad, though, that he could come back and surprise Renjun like this, instead of having to knock on his door and perhaps wake up a very grumpy Renjun. He would probably be grumpy either way, but getting Renjun out of bed when he didn't need to yet was just a way to start a fight.

Renjun didn't wake up to the familiar smell of food in his apartment, but he did wake up with a hand gently shaking his shoulder, slowly stealing him away from dreamland. 

The touch was so gentle it took a while for Renjun to grasp something was going on altogether, that it wasn't just inside of his head. But the sun was already appearing, and he could feel the rays of sunlight on his face, demanding him to wake up. And there was a familiar presence he couldn't pinpoint just yet. 

His blurry vision focused on the boy standing next to his bed, the pink hair giving up who it was even before he could follow. Renjun groaned, "Go away," His voice was rough, but his hand held to Jaemin's wrist, pulling him closer, scooting over to give Jaemin space on the bed. There wasn't a moment of hesitation when Renjun understood who was there - only Jaemin would step into his house that early in the morning unannounced, only him had the right to. 

Jaemin laughed, and indulging Renjun and his whims, he laid down next to him. "What happened here?"

Renjun forgot he had changed the layout of his apartment and that Jaemin hadn't seen it yet; this was all new to him, "I was bored," Renjun explained, his face finding a home on Jaemin's neck, too tired to hug him properly, too anxious to not keep him close, "You shouldn't let me get bored."

"It looks good." Jaemin kissed the top of his head, the only part of Renjun he could reach. 

Renjun always forgot to draw the curtains, so he was getting used to waking up with the sun on his face. And Renjun sleeping with the first sun rays reaching his skin was a sight that reminded Jaemin of deities. 

He had missed him tremendously.

Renjun just hummed, not wanting to talk just yet, just stay like that, on the arms of the boy who kept running around his mind the entire week. "How much time do we have?" Renjun asked at last.

Jaemin left Pohang before the sun was even up, and he had gotten back pretty quickly, "We have some time," he assured, "sleep, I'll wake you up later."

Renjun wanted to complain, to say he didn't want to sleep anymore, but the proposal was too attractive, and with Jaemin stroking his hair, he went back to his dreams. 

Except now, every scene came painted on shades of pink.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't write this one in class, and I feel like we should celebrate it :D  
> Anyways, I'm still not too sure if we're getting over the 20 chapters or not, mainly because I might have found a way to make this work? Once I make my mind, I'll be sure to update on it.  
> Aso, I just recently revived my twitter account, so if anyone is down to talk, witness me crying over my notes for this fic, or just keep up with my nexts wips, I'm [@toojuns](https://twitter.com/toojuns) over there, let's be mutuals! I'll also update there whenever I can't make it with a deadline.  
> For any problems, questions, or if you just wanna be nice and make my day: leave a comment here or at [cc](https://curiouscat.me/toojuns) (:  
> Have a fun weekend everyone, be safe!  
> 


	16. Moving Out and Moving On

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4A8yyS6TLlglvsBWyirQd1?si=-uQs6aaZS127QgM5oJaMFw)  
> [pinterest board](https://br.pinterest.com/clariexyz/1-his-tattoos/)  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/toojuns)  
>   
> Songs for this chapter: Sit Next to Me by Foster the People and Out of my Mood by Gate 문

Mark didn't really care for exercise that much, only doing his share for the swimming team and bolting out whenever he could, so he wasn't particularly fond when Jaemin told him he would have to help with the moving this time. The boy had recruited everyone to help, as this wasn't like months ago, and he would not be living with minimal furniture and cardboard boxes everywhere. 

This time, Jaemin was building a home, and for that, he needed his friends. He needed all of them to stop what they were doing on a Friday afternoon and meet him in his family's storage unit, no question's asked. 

Jaemin felt this was starting to be a race against the clock; he had so much to do and so little time. And how was he supposed to know if his apartment was suitable for a kid? Was there a manual? Were those chairs strong enough? With every single piece of furniture he saw inside the unit, all he could envision was Jaein running around, falling and hitting her head in them. 

Renjun went with him to the place early, and they sorted the things out first. Everything they couldn't sell from their mother's home, Jaemin and Jaeun left it in the storage. Not giving up on their objects and their sentimental value was a blessing in disguise for Jaemin, because now he had more than enough to furnish his new apartment. That was if he stopped second-guessing everything.

And having Renjun by his side was a blessing as well because the man knew how to get angry _very_ quickly - almost too fast, Jaemin didn't understand how -, and would call him out on his brain rambling. There was nothing wrong with those objects; Jaemin was just scared. They also didn't have the chance to unpack that feeling, as their friends could get there any time now, so Renjun just made sure Jaemin would not spiral any further and guided his mind to focus on something else.

Which meant sorting through boxes of old paraphernalia, realizing they actually kept a lot of garbage throughout the years and being teased with any picture Renjun could get his hands on. There were so many of them since his mom loved taking pictures, especially of her kids when they didn't want to take any. 

Jaemin should've let her take as many as she wanted, he should've smiled in each and every one of them, and he would take a lot of pictures of his kids as well, decorate the walls with Jaein's smile and Jaewon's frown. That's what his mother would've wanted, and that was a vital part of creating a home for him.

It was the second time in less than a year he stepped inside that room, and it was just as weird. But in that first time, he had Jaeun beside him, and her presence was soothing; she was the only one in the world who could relate to him inside that storage unit, all their childhood was strangely packed and cramped in it. 

And now, Jaeun didn't want to see him. He had thought about going to her place first thing once he got back, but Jeno advised him to lay low for a while - he was slowly buttering her up for the thought of talking to Jaemin again, and Jeno knew his best friend would ruin things if he went there. Renjun agreed to Jeno's feelings when Jaemin told him about their talk, and since no one was on his side, Jaemin let it go for now. 

The only problem is that he was impatient, and he felt like any time now he would have to run to the hospital and talk to his sister while she's trying to push a human out of her. 

Renjun was a real godsend, and not only he kept tabs on Jaemin's sister for him - giving up on not talking about her when he realized Jaemin was crawling up the walls with anxiety -, but he also started to bring Jaehwan to his place. That way, the boy could see his nephew again. No child should be penalized for fights between adults. 

Jaeun was aware, and although she wasn't ready to face Jaemin yet, she allowed Renjun to orchestrate everything - as long as she wasn't involved. 

Renjun understood little by little what was pulling Jaeun back, and frankly, he couldn't blame her. The siblings worked under the assumption they were a team, and Jaemin broke that. Not only he went behind her back without even thinking twice, but he also didn't call when things got rough - and Jaeun was left wondering about her brother for months, thinking the worst, and recognizing reality was even harsher. 

So Renjun was taking a step back as well; he didn't try to meddle, respecting Jaeun's privacy and feelings. He wasn't someone to say anything, and by now, he was heavily biased. Luckily for him, Jeno was stepping in on his place, and he could be as annoying as Jaemin when he fixed his mind on something. Renjun didn't really think Jeno's approach helped in anything, but he was ultimately too tired to care. 

Although having Jeno there right now was a relief, he relaxed the moment he saw the boy enter the unit - Renjun got scared when Jaemin first told him they would move things out of the storage unit that Friday. The boy thought 'they' meant Jaemin and Renjun, and as much as their alone time was starting to get scarce, he didn't feel like lifting weight throughout the day with the boy he liked near him. 

At least he wasn't alone, and Donghyuck managed to drag Jisung there as well, who, in return, brought Chenle. So they were all there, and Mark was just as unhappy as Renjun to be doing heavy work now. 

"I can't believe you kept this." Jeno wasn't helping as much; he was just interested in opening the boxes and finding out old tokens of their childhood together. Every time he would say something, everyone stopped what they were doing and gathered around, and Jaemin was sure this process was more time consuming than it should have been.

This time, he had a box filled with his old notebooks and school achievements, and Jeno was holding one of his middle school notebooks - he knew exactly which one, and cursed his mother and how she always wanted to relive those memories through written words.

Because middle schooler Na Jaemin was a _very_ angsty pre-teen, and he thought it was _very cool_ to write dark poems and short stories in his downtime. College student Jaemin would have probably smacked that kid in the head just for this moment. 

Before Jaemin could reprimand his best friend, the circle had already gathered, and everyone was reading over Jeno's shoulders. 

_"The rain is pouring outside my house and inside my head,"_ Donghyuck proclaimed, "deep shit, you should get that tattooed next time."

"I wouldn't have been your friend in middle school." Mark continued.

"Because _you_ didn't have friends in middle school." Chenle took a jab at Mark, who, in return, tried to grab him, but was too slow, and Chenle just went to his task again like nothing ever happened. 

Jeno also found a photo album, and before he could put it back, Renjun noticed it too. Those two were the main problem in this entire endeavor, as they knew exactly how to rile Jaemin up and were having the time of their life exploring and rediscovering moments of his early life, parts of Jaemin Renjun didn't know, and that Jeno missed. 

Though Jeno chose the wrong photo album to get, as this one contained mostly pictures of Jaemin, Jaeun, _and_ Jeno - all phases of their lives together. 

There were teenagers Jaemin and Jeno playing videogames, with all of their acne and hatred for the world - it was a series of photos, and Renjun could tell Jaemin was getting angrier by the minute with whoever was taking them and not letting him play in peace; there was a five-year-old Jaeun holding her little brother awkwardly, it almost seemed like she was about to choke him; there were some pictures of his mom as well, bright, and with the same smile Jaemin carried, mischievous at times, but always genuine. 

Mark and Jisung gave Jeno hell for his fashion style ten years ago, and Donghyuck asked the boys if they had never heard of cleaning their faces before - it was a miracle to him that they survived high school without much scarring.

Renjun had mixed feelings when Jaemin first told him he found a place to stay, and he didn't manage to find the courage to go there with Jaemin yet - understanding that seeing the apartment would make this all quite real. But somehow, going through all of Jaemin's childhood belongings, watching as the boy's ears turned all shades of red from the teasing, he felt fine.

The sentiment came from a selfish place in his heart, one that liked how things were going and did not want anything to change. A feeling Renjun was trying to suffocate, since nurturing something like that wouldn't be good for any of the involved parties. 

He was just very unsure of the future, especially once Jaemin left the apartment next to Renjun's. They didn't owe anything to each other, but Jaemin managed to camp inside Renjun's heart, claim that as his, and if Renjun found out anything last week, was that he wasn't handling himself that well alone. 

And yet, today he felt okay with everyone. His position in Jaemin's life, although ambiguous, felt needed - Jaemin asked him to come, and he held onto the promise of reaching out, maybe even if they were apart. 

There, with his favorite group of people, helping Jaemin take another step into the unknown, was exactly where he wanted to be. So he didn't even complain much when they had to load the truck with the furniture, or when Jisung let a box fall on Renjun's foot. Although, he did complain when Donghyuck tried to kiss the pain away, and wouldn't stop rubbing him even though they were both sweaty and Renjun threatened to punch him several times.

They took out the boxes one by one and loaded them into the truck. Jaemin and Renjun had just decided to take it all out, and, back at the apartment, he would choose what would stay and what would be either donated or given to Jaeun. They didn't need that storage unit anymore, and it was a waste of money to keep renting it. 

There were a few pieces of furniture there as well, things that didn't make it to Jaemin's flat in the first place; a standing lamp, a wardrobe, and a table with unmatching chairs - he didn't need the table, but the chairs were welcomed, and he would have to see what he could do with it later.

By the time everything was packed and ready to go, it was already late in the afternoon, and since Jeno was the only one who knew how to drive a truck - from a bet made between Jaemin and him; whoever managed to get the hardest driver's license would get to choose where they lived -, he and Jaemin set off first, and the rest went with Mark. 

Not being in the same car as Jaemin was probably a good idea for Renjun, as the boy felt agitated with all the moving they were doing, and the nagging he kept trying to suffocate inside his mind. And Jaemin had a way of making him feel extremely uneasy sometimes; all it took was one smile, and they were still trying to be lowkey about it.

And it shouldn't even matter, because Renjun was there to support his friend, to help him unload all the dusty boxes and clean all the old memorabilia. And if Renjun had discovered another thing about himself that past week, was that he was great at cleaning while anxious.

It was everyone's first time at the apartment, and Jaemin didn't even give them a tour of it. From the get-go, it was all about muscle training and climbing flights of stairs with large cases, Renjun couldn't really cry about it when he saw that Jeno and Mark were carrying a washing machine and dying from it. 

It was clear that Jaemin had thought they wouldn't take that long, and by the time everything was inside the apartment, the moon was up high, and they were all drained. 

Unfortunately, Jaemin knew nothing about the neighborhood he was moving into yet. Hence, they just ordered a bunch of pizzas from the first restaurant they could find online, and Donghyuck and Renjun went to the closest convenience store to buy drinks for everyone. 

Renjun knew why Donghyuck volunteered to go to the store, mostly since he recruited Renjun to go with him and not Mark - who actually could remember everyone's drink of choice most of the time. But there was no way of denying the invitation without attracting attention to himself, so he went anyway. 

He tried avoiding talking about it with Donghyuck because Renjun wasn't sure of things himself; Hyuck liked things to be very clear - and he knew how to plant his own convictions inside anyone's head if he actually wanted to. 

"What did Jeno want again?" Renjun was looking at the store's refrigerator and couldn't remember what his friend had asked for.

"I don't know," Donghyuck shrugged, "get him this one." He picked the closest to him, which was a strawberry yogurt with kids and hearts on it, and Renjun was sure that Jeno didn't ask for a nutritional drink moms got their kids as a snack.

"We could just text you know," Renjun reprimanded, texting Chenle to get him to ask everyone their orders again. 

"Sure," He answered, "how are things going with you and Jaemin?"

Straight to the point, like always. That wasn't the first time he had been asked that, and Renjun was sure it wasn't going to be the last too. "We're fine, thank you."

"Can you give me something new? We're getting very repetitive here."

"Maybe you should change the subject then," Renjun was protective of Jaemin and their relationship - he knew Hyuck would tear him to shreds if given permission and Renjun had only managed to provide him with ammunition this far. 

Donghyuck snorted, "I wasn't the one who came to you last week cause a guy didn't call." 

He wasn't wrong, but communication is a two-way road, and Hyuck was the one who reminded Renjun of that, "And I did call, we're fine."

That was more than Donghyuck had gotten for the past few days, and he could work with it. "So Jaemin really didn't call?" He asked, "I will kill him."

Renjun laughed, going back to his phone and getting everyone's drinks right, "You won't," Renjun was correct; Jeno did not want a strawberry yogurt, "He called later."

"After you did." Hyuck was just poking at the same bruise, and it really wasn't helping with everything Renjun had inside his brain already.

"You're the one who told me to!" 

"Because you seemed distressed," Hyuck explained, "but he should've called."

Hyuck was useless on the task he was asked to fulfill, and, in the end, the one who grabbed all the drinks was Renjun, "I'm not going there with you." 

That was fair, and Donghyuck knew it. He had used the same case when it came to Mark back in the day, and it was hypocritical of him to trample on that. Donghyuck didn't care for morals, and he kept at it for a while, actively making their trip to the convenience store much longer than necessary. And when Renjun gave up and started to ignore him, he knew their talk was over for now.

Donghyuck didn't like not getting the last word in a conversation, "You should leave him on read the next time."

Renjun laughed at his best friend either way. 

And Donghyuck should've thought this through; they had to go up the stairs with bags filled with drinks after a day of carrying weight, and Renjun's legs were burning after the fifth step. But at least when they came back, the pizza was already there.

"You guys are late," Chenle was on his second slice; he wasn't sure how many Jeno had.

That was the first time everyone got together since discovering Jisung and Donghyuck helped develop a game, and the younger was very enthusiastic about it. Jeno and Mark shut him down right away, but Jaemin didn't have the heart to and was now getting an in-depth analysis of the characters they created. Renjun felt bad, but Jaemin seemed like he was having fun - or was just a good actor.

The apartment was still somewhat messy, and nothing was in place, so they just let the pizzas on the kitchen counter and grabbed the chairs to sit near it. 

Renjun wanted to pry on the rest of the apartment but didn't have the guts to do it alone; luckily his best friend was also very nosy, so Renjun just followed when he saw Donghyuck go down the hallway. 

The rooms were bare, and there really wasn't much to see. But Renjun could imagine, and he knew Jaemin well enough to dream of the place he would build there. 

Being at the place, Renjun felt foolish to worry about an apartment that much - although he knew that feeling would come back later. The walls were all painted white, and the windows were murky with dust, the view from the biggest bedroom was out to the street, and he could see all the other apartments with their lights on, and people walking their dogs.

"This will be the kids' room," he heard Jaemin say, and turned around to see he was standing by the door, "since they'll share, I thought that was fair."

"I used to share my room with two of my brothers, and we still got a cubicle," Donghyuck lamented, and Jaemin could only laugh.

"Take it up with your parents," Jaemin told him, "what do you think?"

He didn't specify who he was talking to, but his hand was gripping the door, and his eyes darted from Renjun to Donghyuck. He wanted to have gotten Renjun over there earlier, ask all those questions privately, and now all he could do was ask the wind and hope he answered.

"They'll like it," Renjun was the one to answer, but he kept at that. 

"I was thinking about painting the walls," Jaemin continued, and that interested Renjun, who had researched a lot before taking on painting Jaeun's nursery and could actually help out with it.

At some point during their talk, Donghyuck slipped away, but the two of them were too focused on the new ideas they had for the room to even notice. That was what Jaemin wanted; he wanted Renjun to be a part of it all - and he was also scared to ask for it.

"Seriously," Jaemin asked again, they were sitting by the door, envisioning all the possibilities the room had, "what do you think?"

"It seems like a nice neighborhood," Renjun wanted to say his looked better but bit his tongue not to let it out, "we saw a lot of kids when coming up."

"Yeah," Jaemin thought about it, "Seungjo said his sister liked it a lot."

There was a scream in the living room, followed by a lot of laughter, and Jaemin couldn't care less about it, "I'm moving by the end of next week."

That wasn't what Renjun was told at first; he thought he had more time with Jaemin closer to him. "What?"

"The guys from the moving company had an opening, and it's cheaper that way," Jaemin explained. All the stuff back at the apartment still had to come to this one, and although it was not a lot, Jaemin wasn't going to make the mistake of trying to get his fridge and a lot of other heavy things with just their friend group. 

"Oh," Renjun didn't know what to say, "I see."

Maybe his worries weren't that unfounded, and Renjun was well aware of his limits now. Realizing the conversation had stepped into a dangerous zone in his heart, and with their friends just outside the room, Renjun decided to get up and dust his jeans. "I'm still hungry," he lied.

And got out of there as fast as he could.

Renjun tried his best not to let it show, so he laughed whenever Jaemin would try and crack a joke, they kept watching the same shows they used to, and Renjun used excuses he never did not to get a ride home from work.

"I have to go to Jaeun's really quick, I'll meet you at home," by that time, Jaeun was already at her house and getting ready to cut off any contact with the rest of the world.

"There's a meeting for the Student Association," Renjun had quit the club earlier that month - he had no genuine motivation to keep at it.

"I have to go back to school to finish a group project," most of his classes were theoretical, and they all demanded tests, not projects. 

But he was training himself to find a quieter home, one where the other boy wasn't there, and maybe if he managed to get scarce doses of Jaemin each day, he wouldn't feel as lost as he did last week. His theory wasn't bulletproof, because his heart was aching every time he thought about it, but he had to try.

And the days passed faster than Renjun liked, and before he could even understand, Jaemin was ready to return the keys back to the owner of the apartment. They were going to empty his place that same day, and he was only taking Renjun to school; Jaemin himself would get back to supervise the moving. The car ride was unusual, both trying to keep casual about it, their hearts failing miserably. 

Because there was nothing casual about how Jaemin felt, and he was trying very hard to keep his cool. There should be a lot on his mind with the hearing coming up, but most of his thoughts today were filled with Renjun. 

Renjun looked sad when he woke up, and he didn't even try to talk about his professors or a class he didn't want to take that day. The car ride to school was silent, and Jaemin hated having Renjun shut him out.

"Okay," He stopped the car before they arrived, choosing to park on the sideroad after minutes of Renjun looking forward without even glancing his way, "what is going on?"

The boy looked very startled with that change of events, confused with the unforeseen stop, "I should be the one asking."

Jaemin took the keys out, a signal he wasn't moving - and he could be very stubborn if he wanted to; that was a game two could play. "You're acting weird all week."

Renjun should've seen he would get called out, but he was too stuck in his own thoughts to see that the same troubles were also going on inside Jaemin's mind. "I am not," his defense was so weak Renjun felt embarrassment when he talked.

There wasn't much he could say without sounding helplessly dependent. He wasn't, and he refused to give anything away.

"You are," plus Renjun wasn't like this; he was very vocal when something bothered him, "and I don't feel like we should stay like this."

Jaemin didn't want to go to a new apartment, knowing he left unfinished talks in his old one. He didn't want to think twice every time he would like to call Renjun; he didn't want them to stay ambiguous like that.

"I don't know what you want me to say."

"Okay, I'll go first," Jaemin had a lot on his chest anyway, he could gladly take that first step, "I am terrified of moving. I have no idea what I'm doing, I'm supposed to buy all those things kids need, and I don't know anything about it."

Jaemin decided to lay it all out at once; he would burst with all those anxious feelings inside him. Some thoughts had to do with Renjun, some didn't, but they were all equally weighing him down.

"And I want to paint those weird houses with you again," There was a weird change in their dynamics since Jaemin came back, and he didn't like any of it, "I have no idea why you're like this, and I would really like for it all to change, cause I miss you."

That last line broke Renjun's resolve, and his chest was already filled with prickles; he could swallow a few more if there was a need to it. 

He didn't enjoy seeing Jaemin hurt; it wasn't in his plans to trample the boy's heart while protecting his - all he wanted was for his head to stop creating scenarios all the time.

"I miss you too," Renjun admitted, "it's just that, you know, you're going away." He explained, as if that was a good enough answer. 

And he didn't like it. Renjun didn't like the uncertainty that it put them in. More and more, Jaemin was moving forward, and Renjun didn't feel like the boy truly needed him anymore.

"So? It's not that far," Jaemin waited for an answer but understood what it was when Renjun kept quiet, "Renjun, I'm not leaving you."

He figured he deserved the suspicion, but Jaemin hated that he made Renjun feel that way. He wasn't doing it on purpose; Jaemin never had a relationship like this, and he was learning little by little.

There was a lot to back up Renjun's assumptions; Renjun and Jaemin only happened by a chance of faith, Jaemin needed a place to stay, and he knew about one. They hung out within their own apartments, and as soon as Jaemin was out of that zone, he didn't even call back. 

And the look on Renjun's face made Jaemin crack a smile, ignoring the judgment gaze, he added, "you're really cute."

That wasn't the time for that type of compliment, and Renjun's face quickly turned into a frown. He still had nothing to say, and that was probably a first in their relationship.

"Is that why you've been avoiding me all week?" Jaemin asked, his hand reaching for Renjun's. He missed how soft he was. "I am sorry to say, but you got yourself a clingy one with me."

Renjun laughed at the joke, and Jaemin couldn't imagine any sort of future that didn't include Renjun. But that could be too much for a person who, until two seconds ago, thought he wasn't serious about them - he perhaps still wasn't convinced, but they had time. And Jaemin didn't need to go from zero to a hundred that quickly.

Jaemin could give Renjun time, he could give him whatever he asked for; they stayed silent until the boy could find the words he wanted to say again. And when he found out he didn't want to say anything specific, he pulled Jaemin by the hand and locked lips with him.

The kiss was short, sweet, and needed. Jaemin rested his forehead on Renjun's when they parted ways, "I'm gonna propose something, you should be the responsible one here and tell me no."

Renjun's curiosity spiked, and he opened his eyes, but Jaemin still had his closed, his long eyelashes were something Renjun knew he had to draw someday.

"You should skip class and come spend the day with me at the apartment." That was what Jaemin wanted ever since he got back; he wanted Renjun to build everything with him, he wanted him to be a part of it all. There were no halfways with him; Jaemin wanted it all.

Renjun wasn't responsible when it came to Jaemin, so instead of mindlessly agreeing, he found Jaemin's lips again and deepened the kiss as an answer.

One of those days, he would have to find a way of not accepting Jaemin's suggestions. 

Maybe Jaemin would never actually get to be the guardian for his siblings because he was sure Renjun would kill him first. 

Or so it seemed, as every hour passing Renjun became more vocal over Jaemin's lack of taste when it came to choosing stuff for his house. With every obnoxiously pink cloth he chose - thinking maybe the kids would like it -, Renjun would ponder exactly why he was with him, and if Jaemin's taste was that bad, what was that saying about him?

Because Jaemin was going around every department store and managing to choose all the weird fabrics and patterns he could find. "What do you think about this one?" Jaemin asked, holding a plate, now just interested in what type of backhanded compliment Renjun would be able to come up with.

"It looks like the bowl my grandma used to feed the cats," Renjun talked, face deadpan, and fire in his eyes, "but our bowl wasn't smashed."

That was perfect, and, with a massive smile on his face, Jaemin was buying it. Renjun looked very displeased with everything that was going on.

Jaemin would engage with Renjun's accusations, but ultimately still went with his own choices - and it drove Renjun insane. Maybe he should've thought more about it and realized he was not creating a strong case to get Renjun to stay with him on weekends, and whenever they had more time to themselves - the boy was very clear about not wanting to stay near all those pillows together. 

If Jaemin was just a little smarter, or less intoxicated by his company, he would have seen it, but he was gushing with joy with every reaction he got from the boy. When Renjun would direct him a mortal look, Jaemin could only think of kissing that foul mouth of his, shutting him up and making him blush. But they were in public, and he was sure Renjun would try to murder him.

The disagreement of it all had a reason, although it was funnier hearing Renjun complain about it than try to reason with him. His mother's place was also filled with unmatching items, from cups with all possible colors to a bedsheet that didn't have a pillowcase. Jaemin didn't care about matching; the chaos reminded him of home. And he was going to live with two enthusiastic kids, all he was thinking about was if the cups he bought were sturdy enough. 

"You basically lived with me all these months," Renjun begged, "you can't actually think that's a good cover for the table." 

It was hideous to Renjun's eyes, but it reminded Jaemin of one his mom used to have, and he accidentally set it on fire with Jeno while in high school. So that would definitely come with him to his new apartment.

It went without saying that Renjun was slightly offended by all that was unraveling in front of him. Since Jaemin never really took time to even get his things out of the boxes at his apartment, Renjun had no idea he was that much of a lost cause, and he felt as if he won a prize at the carnival only to get home and find it was broken.

"I think it's cute," Jaemin replied.

It was the wrong answer, because he also was used to saying Renjun was cute, and if the bar was set so low, Jaemin's words meant nothing anymore. 

He tried to refuse to see the truth right there in front of his eyes, but Jaemin decided to get some Christmas themed placemats, and Renjun knew he had to be fucking with him. There was no way a human could be that unruly.

Every passing hour was just spent with Jaemin laughing at Renjun's angry face and remarks, to which Jaemin would get precise directions to what he could do with that laughter and that set of cutlery he had just chosen.

They had to buy a few essentials the house didn't have, like plates, blankets, and almost everything necessary for people to actually live in an apartment. Renjun tagged along when Jaemin asked, having the time for it - but now slowly regretting. 

Renjun was starting to understand it was a lost cause trying to argue, so instead, he just took out of the cart whatever new shiny and ugly thing Jaemin handpicked that time. Sometimes he would do it without Jaemin seeing - trading in for another set -, others he was too mad to care and did it with the boy looking. Jaemin was having the time of his life, and he didn't really care what color his kitchen towels were going to be. 

He cared about riling Renjun up, especially in public, where the boy was trying his best to maintain his cool. This was a new side to Jaemin, as they didn't really go out that much - usually preferring to stay home -, he felt as if he had unlocked a new level to their game, and he loved all the new faces Renjun was showing him.

That was the third department store they went to, and the car was starting to get cramped with everything Jaemin bought. He was very focused on getting the things he needed, and hopped from one neighborhood to the other for it, which led to a very tired Renjun following him and getting more offended by the minute.

But he came for a reason; Jaemin needed a second opinion when buying the kids' beds. He had no clue what to look for, and Renjun came through with research for it. 

"Okay, we need a dense mattress," Renjun said, reading the mommy blog he had found that morning when Jaemin told him where they were going. At least with that task, he didn't have to look at Jaemin making bad decisions.

"What is that supposed to mean?" 

"I don't know," He was only reading what he was told; Jaemin could take his questions up to the owner of the blog for all Renjun cared. "but it says you can test how dense they are when you press your hands at the sides of the mattress. If you're not able to push it easily, the mattress is dense enough." Renjun explained what the mother on the blog described; she even told a story about her kid's last mattress and how it started to sag and break down only a few months after buying - he was genuinely horrified with the pictures she showed.

"We should also look for washable mattresses," Renjun told Jaemin when he tried to do the test the blog recommended. He looked very silly, but Renjun completely trusted the mother, who went on a scavenger hunt to find the best mattress for her kids. Making Jaemin look silly was just an extra.

"Oh, that makes sense." Jaemin hadn't thought of it, but the kids were known to spill things; he couldn't count in both their hands the number of times he had to clean any surface because one of them had spilled juice all over it, how many times he found out later and the table was already almost dry and sticky.

Renjun thought everything made sense in that blog, so that comment was unnecessary. 

"What do you think about a bunk bed?" Jaemin asked the boy next to him, who was still very interested in his cellphone and the information he found there.

"She only talks about mattresses."

"I'm asking what _you_ think," Jaemin tried again.

Renjun blinked, slowly realizing the question was aimed at him, and that his input would be welcomed sometime during this trip. "For them to share?"

"I think that's how it usually goes," Jaemin teased, "yeah."

"Huh," Renjun pondered, "I thought you would give them each a side of the room, you know, so they could express themselves individually."

Jaemin stopped squeezing the mattress and looked at the boy, mouth parted as if Renjun was saying something wise. He wasn't; he just remembered being in the dorms and hating how he didn't feel like he had space for himself, and how even Chenle and Jisung, who were still roommates, seemed to share the idea of needing a private space from one another. 

Jaemin never had that, because he was used to having the room to himself, and when he lived with Jeno, they were basically the same person anyway, it never really bothered him.

Jaewon and Jaein were very different kids, with very different interests; bundling them together would cause more drama than necessary. And it was obvious now that someone pointed that out.

"That makes a lot of sense." Jaemin complimented him again.

Renjun was turning to be far more useful than just reading out loud a blog on the internet, and he liked the idea of that, he enjoyed the praise - even if he didn't think it was anything worth the hype. 

Jaemin had his heart on the right track, but his mind was lost. He knew what he had to buy, but never considered its nuances - living together with two little kids. Jaemin was sure by now he knew how to keep a kid alive, and what types of medicine they might need when they have a cough or a fever, but the emotional support, learning how to treat kids individually, talk to them with the respect they deserved, that was all new to him. He had never seen anyone do it, and Renjun was turning out to be his guide.

Renjun also had no idea, and all he was spewing were his personal experiences, seeing the kids in his class, watching as they interacted with one another and with their parents. There was one person who knew a lot more than Renjun did, considering all the books she read about child-rearing, but Jaeun wasn't on speaking terms with Jaemin.

In the end, Jaemin went with separate beds and the same mattress for each one of them. They did all the tests, and, if the blog was right, Jaemin wouldn't have to worry about beds for a long time - that was if the kids didn't damage them; there was a limit to what an adult could create that a kid couldn't destroy and a bed wasn't in it. 

It was a late Sunday, and as soon as they were done there, Renjun and Jaemin would go each to their homes - now separated by miles. Although Renjun understood it was necessary, he still wasn't pleased with it.

But Renjun wouldn't say anything about it; Jaemin didn't deserve to hear how spoiled he had become. As much as he wanted to keep him close, hide them both away in their little home, Jaemin was becoming too big for that space. 

And the boy was under intense pressure already; the hearing was in a little bit over a month, which meant he had less than that to create the perfect environment for the kids to stay, since a social worker would come to inspect before it all. 

The tension on his shoulders was only getting heavier, and the real reason he asked Renjun to tag along with him was to make sure he was kept in place. Renjun knew how to ground him; he did it without his own knowledge. 

It came in small comments; telling Jaemin how he usually communicates with his students, worrying about personality clashes of little kids he didn't even meet yet, doing research about a topic just because Jaemin said he didn't know much about it. Renjun knew what was missing and was quick to tell him. 

Or maybe it wasn't about something missing; perhaps it was about having someone by his side who was willing to tackle down changes and create a supportive environment.

"What about a room divider?" Jaemin asked when they got to the kid's section. 

Renjun took a look at them; not only every room divider there was too over-the-top, but they were also very pricey. "I don't think that's necessary."

"You're the one who said they should have their own space." 

"We can create that without the usage of those poorly painted pop art clouds," Renjun retorted, scrunching his face to the object in front of him. 

Renjun looked very cute when he was exasperated, and during this whole trip to the department store, Jaemin had to actively stop himself from cooing at the boy, hold back on touching him, trying not to scare him away with the public displays of affection.

They were walking a fragile line between friendship and romance, and Renjun seemed to be very reserved about it - he laughed and loved within the comfort of his private space, but kept his semblance serious when he had to leave it. That switch was still something Jaemin had to understand, and thus, all he could do was respect it. So Jaemin marched down the kid's furniture section and only gazed at Renjun when the boy wasn't looking. 

They discussed the validity of a canopy - Renjun was very against it; he was sure he could do something like that himself -, and agreed on a bookshelf. But decided to hold off on buying anything decorative for the kids' bedroom, as Jaemin was sure they would want to do that themselves. 

In the end, Jaemin bought a few pots, little gardening tools, and seeds, and Renjun didn't resist and bought a few new succulents for his place as well. Those were the only plants he was sure he could take care of right now with how hectic things were about to become. Jaemin paid for the rest of the stuff and addressed where the bigger items of furniture were supposed to be shipped. 

The walk back to the loaded car was quiet; they were both exhausted from running around, and the research they made that day. Jaemin, in the morning, thought about asking if Renjun would like to go see the apartment again, but, right now, looking at the boy's tired face, he knew the answer.

All Renjun wanted to do was get back to his place, take a shower and crawl to his bed.

"Are you hungry?" Jaemin asked in the car, "we could get some takeout before heading back."

Renjun evaluated his hunger, his willingness to stay in line to get food, and decided it wasn't worth it, "or we could just order and have them deliver," Renjun proposed.

That meant staying together, so Jaemin smiled, "I'm fine with both."

"We're getting it delivered then." Renjun determined, opening the app with one hand, searching for Jaemin's with the other, he intertwined their fingers as soon as he found it. 

Jaemin's smile only grew more prominent, as he realized he was catching up on Renjun's behaviors more and more these days, and their actions were starting to mold into each other. Renjun wanted to be close just as much as he did, but he liked them to stay inside their bubble, where no one could interfere, and he could bask in the warmth they shared.

Jaemin would sometimes give Renjun a ride to Jaeun's when he had the time for it and today was one of those days. Except for this time, he had a reason that wasn't only wanting to spend more time with the boy who kept constantly running around his mind, he needed Renjun to deliver the boxes he didn't need to Jaeun. Jaemin was leaving most of the photo albums to his sister, and all the iconic pieces of decor as well - his mother had a very unique taste. She liked the objects' aura more than their visuals, which led to some interesting paintings and tablecloths.

This was a shot in the dark, really, because Jaemin thought maybe if he reminded her sister of how they were, she would be more inclined to at least hear him out again. Jeno was too slow with his talks, and by the time he would convince Jaeun to talk to Jaemin, his niece would be four years old. 

Jaemin had reached the limit of his endurance and was tired of waiting. He didn't wait for others, and that was what got him into the mess in the first place; maybe that was also what would get him out. 

Renjun didn't really think those would work, but he was willing to try. And it became clear Jaeun's brother still knew more about her sometimes because when Renjun came with the boxes, she got very excited to open them.

Even telling they came from Jaemin didn't stop the woman as Renjun thought it would.

"Oh my, look at that," Jaeun was sitting on the couch with Renjun and looking through her baby photos, "that's just Jaehwan, it's not even me."

Renjun agreed that her son had no traces of his father in him; his features came almost entirely from his mother, which was a blessing. "It's weird how much you two look alike."

The kid himself was excited, thinking he was the one in the photos. 

There were no photos of the sibling's father, although Renjun remembered seeing some before. Jaemin must've collected all of them before sending the albums to his sister, which was very sneaky, Renjun thought, but also smart, and he was proud of him for thinking ahead.

The first photos came with mostly Jaeun as a baby and her mother; they had a very nostalgic feeling to it, as it was apparent the ones who took the photos were first-time parents, they liked to keep track of every breathing their child made. 

Renjun's parents were like that as well, and they kept being like that because he was an only child, the affection would sometimes smother, but it came from a good place in their heart, one that was just excited to have created such a beautiful human and could only hope they raised them well.

And the feeling was there with Jaeun's photos, the little girl on the beach searching for shells with her mom, holding a plate of plastic toy food, wearing her uniform on her first day of school, taking a nap. All the natural stages were life, ones that people would sometimes not even care about were recorded and kept as her mom's treasure. Jaeun being a mother herself, could understand how it felt like. 

But then the girl in the pictures started to get older, and another person popped out on the images. At first, he was only a baby, and she would watch him with hawk eyes, not even stopping to look at the camera. Then, the little boy grew and would be used as a toy for Jaeun to play with; Jaemin was her little doll, and he was always being held by Jaeun in some way or the other. By the end of that album, Jaemin was grown into his middle school self, one without a dad, quieter, and more reliable to his mom and sister - even if he would sometimes decide to act out.

The smile that little boy carried was still the same Jaemin would give her, confident, mischievous, and sometimes almost childlike. Her little brother had grown so much before her eyes and was still so immature, so proud and scared of unnecessary villains - so much he didn't even stop to perceive who his allies were.

"I hate him," Jaeun sighed, looking at the little boy who would grow up to break her heart. 

"He moved out of the place next to mine," Renjun told her. Unlike Jaemin, Jaeun liked to keep her intakes of her brother on the minimum, especially now. As long as she knew he was healthy, it was fine - so she wasn't aware of his newest endeavors. "The hearing is next month already."

If this was another day, Renjun would've kept silent, but he felt he should at least give Jaemin a fair shot. And to do that, he had to put pressure on Jaeun.

"Renjun-"

"I'm not asking you to be okay with all of this," He explained, "you have every right to be angry, but I think you should at least talk to your brother."

Because, nonetheless, they were family, the right kind of it too. And Renjun, the one who spent most of his time with both siblings, knew precisely how much they missed each other.

It wasn't just what Renjun said, or the pictures, but it was all of it at once. It was Jeno going out of his way to try and talk to Jaeun without pressuring her, it was Renjun doing his best to let her son still see his uncle, it was her daughter kicking her belly while she was sitting down looking at the little boy printed on the paper - which she took as a sign to get up and be a grownup.

If anything, she wanted her kids to have a healthy relationship with each other, and they could only do that if they had a good example to follow. There was no time for petty fights; she would say what she wanted, support however she could, and make Jaemin eat his words for not coming to her in the first place.

And that was how Jaeun found herself getting a taxi with her son to an address she knew nothing about. It took her some time to get to Jaemin's apartment, considering she was very pregnant, but the look on his face was worth it.

Because as much as Jaemin hoped, he didn't actually believe she would come to see him. And he was very taken aback to see her panting sister and nephew by his door on that cold afternoon. He couldn't say anything before Jaehwan had already trespassed into the apartment, intrigued with all the colors on display, and Jaeun blindly followed. 

The inside of his apartment had a nostalgic vibe; Jaeun could see a lot of their mother's old touch in everything. Her old photographs, a pair of ballet shoes that used to hang around the hall on their old place, and were now in Jaemin's living room - the siblings never knew where they came from, as their mother didn't dance. Whenever they would ask about it, she would create the most elaborate new story; once it was a gift from a fairy, then it became a traveler's treasure, later it was all about how it had superpowers. Later Jaemin found the shoe became a symbol of magic in his life, and he wanted to keep that with him.

Maybe he would find something to be his own magical object, one thing that he would be able to pass down to his siblings later, and would hear them making all ridiculous theories like he used to when he was a child. 

And his place also smelled like pepper and ginger, which meant Jaemin was cooking something. It was obvious by the apron he was wearing as well. 

"You should always push the handles towards the stove, kids tend to grab whatever they see." Was the first thing Jaeun told him, and Jaemin was still too bewildered to understand, so it took him a few seconds to correct his pan. 

Jaehwan found the little flower pots by the balcony, still inside the apartment; they were empty, and the little boy became intrigued with all their colors. It reminded him of the buckets his mother would give him to play whenever they went to the beach.

"I'm happy you're here," Jaemin confessed, he thought about what to tell his sister, but now that she was here, he was a little boy again, caught doing something he wasn't supposed to and not really knowing what to say. 

"I'm still mad," she wasn't having it, "you fucked up and should have told me."

It was better to lay it all out already; they had time to figure things out by themselves and were ready to meet in the middle.

"I was afraid you would act as you did," Jaemin wanted his sister to be there with him, but he had to set down his foot when it came to his siblings, "and it wasn't negotiable."

He knew nothing about Jaeun if that was what he thought she was talking about, "I meant earlier," she explained, a tint of exasperation coloring her voice, "We could have gone together, you should have told me about dad."

Jaemin should have, he knew that. He thought about it, but Jaeun seemed to always be so hostile towards anything regarding their father; he didn't understand why until he saw him again. Jaemin was too young to see through it all, and his memories were painted with a rose-tinted filter, but Jaeun remembered. And in her mind, Youngsoo could have died back then, never coming back. 

"So you understand why I'm doing all of this," Jaemin confirmed, but it sounded almost like a question.

"What I'm saying is that you make things harder for yourself, and I have no idea what made you like this," Jaeun was hurt, and she was trying to keep her calm, "What on earth made you think you couldn't ask me for help?"

Nothing. 

Nothing indeed, because she was always there when Jaemin needed her. But he was caught up in his own demons, and he felt she was moving on and leaving him behind. This was Jaemin's fault, and, once again, his decisions revealed consequences he couldn't predict. 

"I'm sorry," Jaemin turned off the stove; he wasn't going to be able to cook like that. So he sat beside his sister on the couch, "I am, I hope you can see that."

Perhaps time would tell, and Jaeun wasn't ready to hear it all, but she was prepared to help, so when Jaemin told her, "I need your advice, I'm way over my head with all of this and don't know what to do.", she was already on it. 

Because either way, he was her little brother, and Jaeun would always come through when he needed her. They could be fighting on different sides, and she would still betray the world for Jaemin and his happiness. 

Jaemin took notes to everything she said, and Jaeun nagged him for not opening the windows before cooking - now, the room's smell was strong and would stay on the furniture. That was the first thing their mother taught them, and Jaemin should've known better. 

And when the topic came back to the two kids who were the reason for Jaemin's life to be so hectic, he asked, "do you want to talk to them?"

As much as her brother's eyes glistened with hope, Jaeun wasn't that excited about that prospect, "I wouldn't know what to say."

But Jaemin was running out of excuses to give Jaein about why they hadn't met their older sister yet - and, most importantly, her kids. "You don't have to say much really, they usually do all the talking."

Jaewon and Jaein had a lot to say most of the time, and there weren't many adults in their life who stopped to hear them. So Jaemin would get bombarded with information every night, and he was sure he was learning more about life and the universe with his kids than he ever did at school. Their talks could go from existentialism, questions about the meaning of the universe and how it was created, to how plants were secretly all connected. And they could also stop at Jaein crying about the cat she wanted so desperately; Jaemin was close to giving in, but Jaewon was the one who ran a tight ship in their dynamic.

And before Jaeun could deny him once again, Jaemin took the opportunity he found in her eyes, the uncertainty there was something he could work with. So he called the number.

The sound of the phone ringing almost took the whole apartment; the only thing competing with it was Jaehwan playing with the pots. 

_"What's wrong?"_ Jaewon was the one who picked up the call, and Jaemin had to fake a cough because he thought his little brother would say something rude, but he kept quiet after the question. 

"Nothing's wrong, why would you think that?" Jaemin was flustered. 

_"You're calling early,"_ Jaewon pointed out; they had just gotten out of school, and usually Jaemin would call right after dinner. Jaewon was used to schedules, and Jaemin was breaking it.

"I have a guest with me," this would be the first time Jaemin had ever introduced someone from his circle in Seoul to his kids; he was nervous and excited, "is Jaein with you?"

It took a moment before Jaewon could say anything, "I don't know where she is," He confessed, "let me check."

Jaemin tried to keep him on the call, but he left to find his sister, and Jaemin and Jaeun could only hear the faint screaming and laughter of children on the phone. 

"He's very straightforward," Jaemin explained, "you always know what's going on with him."

Except when Jaemin messed up first, but that wasn't a conversation he wanted to have or was proud that it happened. Jaeun didn't mind; she could be very straightforward herself, and usually got along with people who were as well - that's how Renjun turned out to be such a great match. 

And when the siblings got back, and Jaemin introduced them to their older sister, Jaein was the first to take action, "can I see your baby?"

The voice on the other side of the phone was sweet, a little girl who was excited with the prospect of having more kids in her family. 

"She's still in my belly," Jaeun answered.

"Both of them?" Jaewon sounded slightly concerned, or maybe doubtful - as if he knew she wasn't telling the truth. 

"Oh," Jaeun was flustered with the comment, and she understood what Jaemin meant earlier, "no, wait a second."

Jaemin and Jaeun tried their best to get Jaehwan to talk, but the boy was shy, and he didn't recognize the voices coming out of the phone. In the end, they gave up, "You'll meet him when you guys get here," Jaemin promised.

Jaein didn't like that but had so many things she would like to ask her sister she decided to let it go. It wasn't every day she found out not only she had another older brother, but also an older sister - and for Jaein, that was even better. She liked the idea of having an older sister that was older than all of them, which meant she was the one who would decide on most things - or at least that was what Jaein thought.

So maybe she could get her cat if she presented her story well enough.

The little girl dominated most of the conversation; Jaewon became silent in most parts - but that didn't bother Jaemin; he knew his brother had to get used to people first. Later on, they would become inseparable.

"If he is ever mean to you," Jaein told the kids on the phone, "you should tell me, I will scold him for you."

She made Jaemin's life more difficult, but he figured he also spoiled Jaehwan from time to time, so it was even. What he didn't expect was for Jaein to jump out on that proposal so soon.

"Jaemin made Jaewon cry last week," the little girl told her, "and won't let me get a cat."

"He did not!" Jaewon screamed, embarrassed, and scared Jaehwan, who was back to playing with the pots, in the process. 

"I saw it!" Jaein was not giving in; she would air out all their dirty laundry if she had to, "and he doesn't want me to be happy with my cat!"

Jaeun laughed, realizing this was probably what the future had in store for her with her own kids. One day Jaemin would be the one giving her tips on how to handle the situations.

But not today. Today, Jaemin was still her little brother, and he looked excited to reveal this other part of his life to Jaeun. They were all slowly coming together, and a year ago, Jaemin couldn't even fathom ever being this happy.

Because one year ago, Jaemin would think it was crazy to sacrifice time and sleep over kids - he saw what it did to Jaeun, how mean she could get -, he never knew he would move mountains for them or burn through his savings. But here he was, and he couldn't be happier. 

Jaemin realized he was pushing too many buttons at once and offered to take Jaeun home before she decided this was all too much and walked out again. So he took his sister and nephew home and went back to his apartment.

He only realized where he was going when his car was already parked at his old place, Renjun's place. Jaemin could blame it on the muscle memory, his mind being hazy from all the talking and moving around that day, but he knew it came from wanting to keep traditions as they were and talk to Renjun at night like they always did. And he couldn't be alone in this, because Renjun kept his door unlocked, just like he always did for Jaemin to come home. Someday that would have to stop, but it didn't have to be today. 

Today, Jaemin could just walk into the boy's apartment and tell him about his day. He could gush about his sister, and his siblings, and their talk, and promises, and Renjun would listen like he always did, carefree and reassuring, Jaemin's little safe hiding spot after a long day.

Except Renjun wasn't anywhere to be seen inside the apartment. 

"Renjun?" Jaemin called. His bag was there, the lights were on. He wasn't so tiny that Jaemin couldn't see him, even if Jaemin liked to joke about it sometimes.

"I'm taking a bath!" He heard Renjun scream from the bathroom. He didn't hear the constant stream of the shower, so he must have been in the tub. Renjun would usually chill in the tub when the week was extremely stressful, and Jaemin got worried right away. 

Jaemin was testing his luck to the maximum today, so he added, "Can I come in?"

It took him a few heartbeats until Renjun answered, "Only if you join me."

The scene that unraveled in front of Renjun made him laugh. Jaemin burst through the door, shirt already halfway off, excited grin like a kid, mischievous - so different from his usual self, this part locked away from the public eye, kept hidden for Renjun's eyes only.

"You're going to get yourself hurt," Renjun warned, sinking in further to the water. He should've known Jaemin would agree to his joke, and that was on him.

Jaemin was far more comfortable being naked around him than Renjun was, but he guessed someone who agreed to have a tattoo on his crotch could just be that shameless. So when that tattoo was visible again, Renjun let his eyes wander around the boy's body. 

Jaemin was, without a doubt, very pretty. It was in the way his muscles were flexing from the cold, thighs tense; it was his angular shoulders and collarbones, the inked moon there - so much meaning to it now that Renjun knew the story -; it was also in his eyes and flushed cheeks, perhaps because of the cold, relief from having talked to his sister, or plain excitement from getting the avail from Renjun.

"Scoot over," Jaemin told Renjun, a hand on his back to push him away from the tub's edge. Jaemin put a foot inside, but took it out almost the same time. "fuck Renjun, why are you boiling yourself?"

The temperature was perfect for Renjun, and since Jaemin was in the cold, he would think everything was too hot. "Don't be a baby," Renjun mocked and grabbed his hand to lure Jaemin.

Jaemin got in, and a few swear words got out, his whole body was prickling, uncomfortable with the temperature, and it was all very amusing to Renjun, who kept turning his head to watch Jaemin's expressions and laugh at the boy's misery. At least like that, he wasn't feeling as conscious anymore. It was worth his time if it meant getting Renjun's laughter to fill the entire bathroom at once. And when his body finally adjusted to the water's scalding temperature, he pulled Renjun to him, the boy's back to Jaemin's chest, and the laughter subdued to peace. 

Renjun let his head fall on Jaemin's shoulder - wet and almost cold hair on the boy's dry skin -, and he received a kiss on the cheek for it. They didn't talk, only basked in a new type of intimacy, the standard routine increasing with comfortable options. The only sound in the entire apartment came from the water reaching the borders, silent splashes that seemed like thunder in the quiet. 

Jaemin didn't keep track of the time they spent like that, his hands finding Renjun's, arms wrapped around the boy, feeling his body so close, breaths almost synchronizing from the rhythmic movements from their chests. 

And right there, for the first time in his life, Jaemin knew what falling in love was like.

"How was your talk?" Renjun's voice was low, and with one look at his face, Jaemin understood he was trying to talk because he would fall asleep if not.

"Very good," Jaemin recalled; it couldn't have been better. His hand came from under the water to take Renjun's bangs away from his forehead, and the boy groaned - Jaemin didn't know if from the tenderness, or because Renjun usually got antsy when he was sleepy. "She even talked to the kids."

"Oh," That woke Renjun a little, "how did they take?"

Because it was a matter of time until Renjun was introduced to the kids as well, and his stomach was starting to burn just thinking about it. He knew how to deal with his students, meeting Jaemin's siblings was a whole different deal, and in his head was sure they were going to hate him. He didn't even know how he was going to be introduced. 

"Jaein liked her a lot," Jaemin thought about it, "I think Jaewon did too, but he was silent for most of the talk."

Having Jaemin that close didn't let Renjun hide the tension covering his body all of a sudden, and Jaemin's arms came back to his, surrounding instinctively, but applying no real pressure, "What's wrong?"

The only pressure came from Renjun's thoughts and from the empty apartment downstairs, making it all very real all of a sudden.

"It's nothing," Renjun lied, trying to get back to his previous state of peace. This was his night off; he deserved to have at least some rest after the days of helping Jaemin move, being on the lookout for Jaeun and being the only person Jaehwan actually talked or listened to.

Jaemin gave him another peck on the cheek, trailing away to his jaw, mouth lingering on his neck, taking in the vanilla scent from his body wash, so incredibly sweet, and he mouthed against the skin, "tell me anyway."

Renjun heard the water noises for a second, taking it in and making the beats of his heart follow. "I keep thinking about meeting your siblings," he confessed at last, "what am I supposed to say?"

Jaemin got a little tense as well, not understanding where Renjun was heading, "What do you mean?"

"I mean, what am I supposed to introduce myself as?"

Whatever tension came to Jaemin's body vanished completely, and laughter erupted from his chest. He didn't mean to laugh so openly, but he couldn't hide the relief. "What do you think? We could just say you're my boyfriend."

Renjun's body was still stiff, and his head perked up, lips pressed together, trying to rationalize the emotions and directions this was heading.

Jaemin didn't wait for him; he poked the boy's side and got a yelp in return, even after their talks Renjun still had doubts, "What's with your reaction? Are you just toying with me, Renjun?" He playfully teased. "Am I going to have my heart broken?"

Renjun elbowed him in the stomach, a little too strong, and Jaemin was glad he tensed his abdomen when he saw it coming. "Stop," He let Jaemin pull him back to his embrace, "we never talked about it."

"We don't have to make it official if you don't want to." Jaemin was fine with whatever Renjun wanted, as long as he still got the boy's mornings, nights, and kisses. 

"I want to," He was quick to answer, letting the words sink into his head. _Boyfriend_. 

"Good," Jaemin kissed his neck once more, relieved the conversation finally went there, "cause I'm pretty sure Jeno already knows about us."

That was a relief for Renjun too; that way, he didn't feel as bad when saying, "I also told Donghyuck," but he did feel a little bad when he added, "who in return told Jisung."

Jaemin chuckled; Donghyuck had been a lot more annoying the past few days with him, and he had already guessed it was because of Renjun. That didn't come as a shock to him. By now, Mark must've known too, maybe even Chenle, so it would make things easier when telling the group.

"The kids will love you," Jaemin told Renjun when he felt his body calm down, and he was glad his words didn't make him tense again, "I just know it."

Jaemin had an excellent eye for people, and the three he called home seemed to fit seamlessly like a puzzle together. All essential pieces to Jaemin's heart. 

Renjun didn't answer that, but he held onto the promise. His heart was strangely full, too big to be kept inside Renjun's body, the warmth that washed his body had nothing to do with the water and everything to do with Jaemin. 

And another worry came to the forefront of his mind, because his head was filled with them. Renjun, just like Jaemin, wasn't ready to give up on the bubble they created for themselves just yet, "You should stay here."

Jaemin only hummed, not paying attention to the boy, much more interested in tracing little patterns to Renjun's arms and thighs, kissing his neck, and seeing the goosebumps he induced, fascinated by the boy's body. 

"Until you get the kids," Renjun explained, "I live closer to school anyway, it'll be easier."

He had to give a practical reason, even if Jaemin didn't need any. The boy was ready to follow Renjun wherever he wanted to go and do whatever he wanted to do. Renjun could have said they should start commuting and losing four to five hours every day on traffic, and Jaemin would still do it. 

"Okay," Jaemin smiled against Renjun's shoulder, and he could feel the teeth grasping his skin, "you should come with me to the hearing."

If they were going to say what they wanted, Jaemin thought he should put his wants on the table. Back in Pohang, he considered asking Renjun through the phone but decided it was better to do it face to face. Having Renjun there would calm his nerves and would prevent him from doing anything silly. Plus, he could introduce him to the kids quicker.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I want you there." Jaemin didn't remember a time he wasn't sure about something with Renjun, the only constant in his life was moving forward with this one boy, "Don't worry, Seungjo will also be there." He added by the end, in case Renjun was feeling insecure again.

At least he wouldn't be alone in meeting the siblings, so he agreed to it. 

He could take a few days from work, and Renjun could see a part of Jaemin's life he didn't know yet, meet the man he was for the six months no one knew his whereabouts. He could see the beach, wander around the market, and hear more stories coming out of Jaemin's mouth.

"It will be freezing," Jaemin warned, "you should pack all your heavy coats."

Renjun hated the cold, despised even the thought of it, but other than a disappointed groan, he didn't say anything about it.

Jaemin cooed at the boy's reaction; he took it a lot better than Jaemin was expecting. He bit around Renjun's shoulder, playful moves, and got splashed in the face for it. 

Renjun, finally realizing Jaemin's hair was still dry, tried to soak him, first forcefully, but winding down when they realized the tub was overflowing, and the bathroom was becoming a mess. The water wasn't as hot anymore, and Jaemin slid down with Renjun until they were both underwater - causing the tub to overflow again -, when they came back, they were both dripping and giggling for no reason.

And Renjun turned around, glad to have Jaemin's embrace, but wanting to give back. He adjusted himself on Jaemin's lap, legs straddling, and hands wrapping around the boy's neck.

There was no hesitation when he found Jaemin's lips; they were both eager, and this was their first time kissing without having to wonder about the consequences of it. It wasn't in the heat of the moment, something they didn't think through; kisses now came with a promise of permanence, not only the body but also the mind. There was no more wondering why he didn't call or worrying if his intensity would scare him off. When Renjun slipped his tongue into Jaemin's mouth, there was only the bliss of it, the certainty of mutual feelings, and the familiar pace they were used to.

Kissing would probably never get old with Jaemin; he was assertive, both hands on Renjun's hips, but he would gladly let the boy take the lead whenever he wanted. Like tonight, having full control and access to his body, the light much brighter than last time, letting them see all they wanted. 

Jaemin broke their kiss to catch up on his breath, going down to his neck and taking his time licking his skin - pressing pink spots, not enough to leave a mark, but enough to rile Renjun up. 

Their touches were so casual, speedy, but gentle, and it felt like coming back home. Like dusting himself off from a hectic day, leaving all the worries at the door, only to find eternal joy in their corner of heaven. Because Jaemin was sure it couldn't really get any better than this, this one boy would probably be the peak of his life, and he was okay with it. Because now he could come back whenever he wanted and claim his space beside him.

And when Renjun couldn't take it anymore and let out a soft mewl, Jaemin's hands started to roam around his body, one gripping his ass, the other reaching for his dick. He didn't do anything but put pressure on it, and Renjun was already half-hard, panting at the slight sign of contact, lips moist and eye glassy. The need for pleasure burned like molten lava on his lower back, and he tried to contain the huffs to a minimum.

Jaemin was enamored by everything; he loved every single sound that came out of Renjun, he loved all those he tried to contain, he loved Renjun's head falling to his shoulder when he dragged his hand over the boy's length, and he loved the panicky scratches Renjun would give Jaemin's back when he stayed on the head of his dick longer, massaging until Renjun would fidget around on his lap, getting antsy.

What a liberating feeling was to love someone like that, and to be able to show it. 

Renjun looked for Jaemin's mouth again, and this time he was desperate. The kiss was forceful, a lot of tongues, and not enough breathing. It sent shivers down Jaemin's spine, and he returned all the enthusiasm back; Renjun wasn't alone on getting hard.

Jaemin was just as drunk in this boy's body; he was the only thing that mattered at the moment. And when the water started to hit the floor again, Jaemin broke the kiss, "we should get out of the tub, we're making a mess."

Renjun didn't want to get out, but he knew he would be mad at himself tomorrow when he saw the state of the floor in his bathroom, and groaning about the inevitable battle he would have to face with the cold, Renjun agreed.

So he went out first, speeding to grab himself his towel as soon as he could, too cold to even think about Jaemin still on the bathtub. Renjun wrapped himself around it and shivered like a lost puppy, all the heat from seconds ago dissipating into the freezing air.

Jaemin cleared his throat, getting the attention back on him, the second part of the couple that was still soaked in water, "could I get one too?" he inquired.

"Oh, right," Renjun trembled so much Jaemin could almost hear his teeth clashing, "just a second."

With a lot of courage and almost no real willpower, Renjun left the sanctity of his bathroom – that was still steamy and moist -, to brave the cold room and get a towel for Jaemin. And if anyone would ever ask what his one real selfless act of love was, he would point out to this moment. Jaemin got the towel and dried himself, but, unlike Renjun, he could handle the cold quite well, and didn't need to stay for minutes hugging himself until he could exist to the rest of the world again. He tied the battered towel around his waist and hugged Renjun, giving the warmth he exuded.

Renjun wasn't kidding when he said he didn't like the cold, and Jaemin could understand more now; the boy's skin felt like it didn't retain any heat whatsoever, and even Jaemin flinched when Renjun's hands found the boy's ribs, icy fingers looking for a place to hide. When Renjun's feet came to stand on top of Jaemin's, he knew he was testing the boy's patience.

"Are you sure you're not dead?" Jaemin joked, but let Renjun rest his cheek on his shoulder, sharing ice and fire until they met into a melted puddle of lukewarm water. 

Jaemin didn't feel the need to embroil Renjun into sex when they would have an entire month of living together, so he stroked the boy's wet hair and helped him dry it off, and when Renjun was feeling warm again, his mind remembered what they were doing, and where Jaemin's hands had been minutes ago.

So he looked for the boy's lips again, wanting to go back to where they were, which caused Jaemin to tilt his head back, unaware of what his boyfriend was looking for. But all it took was one look into his eyes to understand and shake his resolve, Jaemin was a very easy man when it came to Renjun. 

Kisses didn't stop until the bed, where Renjun gave up on Jaemin's mouth to discover the other parts of his body. It was fun trailing the boy's chest and abs with his tongue, and give him butterfly kisses that were too quick - and it left Jaemin wondering if it even happened. 

Everything about Renjun seemed like a dream sometimes; his unshakable loyalty, his shocked expression with every show they would watch together - even though all the structures were the same and he should have known by now what he signed up for -, his light touches whenever Jaemin would get anxious - keeping him grounded to this one boy whose presence was unwavering -, and his mouth, always surprising him with the things that came out of it. Every action would just get Jaemin falling deeper and deeper, until he didn't know why he was falling - there were so many reasons to be inebriated with Renjun; it could be nothing, and all of it combined. 

His mouth came to know Jaemin's body, greeted every goosebump on his skin, and his hands did the same. He untied the towel around Jaemin's waist, and he smiled against the boy's skin as he heard Jaemin gasp when his fingers met the insides of his thighs. He kept circling the area, touching and claiming every inch of his body, tongue tasting the warm skin, sliding up and down his torso, wet kisses accompanying it all. Jaemin tried to get up and switch positions but was shut down quickly, and if Renjun wanted to be in charge, Jaemin would let him.

He felt as the boy's limbs melted into the bed, body pliant, ready to follow along whatever Renjun decided. Jaemin was always like that, gone for Renjun, and unafraid to show it. He loitered around him every chance he got, eyes following his every move, and body gravitating towards his presence. Jaemin would probably let Renjun get away with anything if he so much as flashed a smile in his direction. 

This was Renjun's time to explore, to watch as Jaemin's mouth hung open when his hand came near his crotch, fingertips teasing, finding himself circling the barbed-wire - probably Renjun's favorite tattoo. He liked it because not only he knew the reason for it, but he understood the emotional baggage it came with. And he especially loved to think he was probably the only one who came to meet the tattoo under those circumstances, and if Jaemin didn't like that spot of ink on his skin, Renjun would cherish it for the both of them.

Renjun would have to tell him some other time that, but for now, his hand finally encircled Jaemin, and the boy let out a loud moan - and this time, they didn't have to think about the downstairs neighbor since that room was vacant, but Renjun couldn't be sure about those next door. 

Maybe he would bake them a cake later or something, or pretend it never happened. Because he wasn't going to slow down, and he didn't want Jaemin to be quieter. For all Renjun cared, the man could scream from the top of his lungs, and it still wasn't enough, it probably never would with Jaemin, and he wanted to fill every nook of his house with those sounds.

Renjun worked him over, slowly at first, and then with force, putting pressure the way he liked it - and, apparently, as Jaemin liked it too. Renjun shifted onto his knees, looking for one last kiss, messy, careless, and it left them both bothered, something primal rising from their chest, a need so strong it would probably hinder his exploration if he let it. 

And when Renjun left his lips, Jaemin didn't have time to complain; the boy positioned himself between his legs, and with just a smile as a warning, he took Jaemin's dick to his mouth, feeling the spasms all over the body beneath him.

The view Jaemin had was too much, and the sensation didn't help. Renjun's tongue was hot and wet, and Jaemin couldn't think about anything other than how that boy's mouth was indeed a hazard to society. It didn't matter what Renjun wanted to do with it; he could be talking, cursing someone off, or even using it to flick his tongue around like he was doing now. He was a threat, and Jaemin was sure men waged wars in the name of that feeling. 

Renjun bobbed his head slowly, dragging out the sensation further, letting Jaemin squirm, and keeping his legs far apart with his hand. The burning came rushing down, even Jaemin's own mouth seemed too hot, and it all pooled on his lower back, a nagging desire for relief, to keep going, to fuck into that boy's mouth until they both forgot their names. 

Jaemin was overloading. He could smell the scent of Renjun's vanilla body wash lingering in the air; he tasted him and his gasps from earlier, and could feel Renjun's mouth on him - systemic movements that took too much of him and left him begging -, there was no sound other than Jaemin's voice, and the sight of it all made him dizzy. His mind was plagued with Renjun, branded for years to come. 

Jaemin's head fell onto the bed, back arching to chase his need, incoherent words leaving his mouth. He was shaking, and the sensation of burying himself in wet heat, knowing that it was this boy's mouth, was too much for Jaemin to handle. And Renjun loved to see the power he had over him, to turn Jaemin so quickly into a mess, and to know all he needed was his tongue. He copied the same rhythm Jaemin had weeks ago, erratic, cruel to his sanity, but perfect for the high.

And Jaemin's hands were everywhere; he reached for every spot in Renjun's body that he could find, his neck, his shoulders, touches that turned demanding, and every movement of Renjun's head just made him groan louder and get closer to the edge. Jaemin was very unapologetic; he cursed, moaned, and his frantic behavior could definitely be heard outside those walls.

Renjun could feel Jaemin falling apart; he perceived in the twitch of his legs, the wet gasps, the loud moans coming from above, the hands that came to grasp his hair, not trying to take the lead, but unsure when to tell him to hold. Jaemin felt like his insides were burning, and it all conveyed to one spot on his body. It was all because of one boy and the twirl of his tongue, the pleas became clearer, a warning for Renjun to stop, the hands had no idea whether to push him away or bury him deep into the hot madness. 

That only gave Renjun additional momentum to keep going, to break away all his barriers, and watch as Jaemin spiraled underneath him, words jumbled with moans, meaningless calls for his name, only coming out because it was the easiest thing Jaemin could think to say. He went rougher, hand helping to maintain the friction, as he took Jaemin further, jaw starting to become sore from the effort. But the discomfort didn't weigh any real value when Jaemin was gasping for air, the hands in Renjun's hair directing him to the rhythm, reaching to keep the urge, to let it go.

And Renjun took the hand away from Jaemin's thigh to take care of himself, moaning against Jaemin and movements becoming inconsistent, getting the boy to search for his mouth with ferocity, waves of pleasure descending and making Jaemin curse - he didn't understand what he was angry about, but the frustration piled on, and with one last flick of the tongue, it all tumbled down. 

Jaemin came inside Renjun's mouth, and he tasted bitter like the coffee he liked to take, and the boy would give him hell for it later. But right now, he was just satisfied with the glassy eyes and wet lips on display; Jaemin was flushed, and wrecked, and never looked prettier.

It took him maybe a minute to regain his composure and finally be free to get up, so he sat on the bed, close to Renjun, who was still on his knees, and took the boy's mouth with his.

The kiss was harsh and bitter, a lot of teeth and desperation, and it sent shivers down Renjun's body, which was still seeking release. Jaemin seemed to know exactly what was going through Renjun's mind, and his hand located his dick, putting pressure on it, pulling so firmly it almost hurt, and Renjun didn't know he could get harder, but he did. 

The kissing stopped, and Jaemin told him, "lay down."

There wasn't time to wonder, followed his wishes, settling in the middle of his bed, head on the pillow, looking at Jaemin, waiting. Renjun was probably the prettiest thing Jaemin ever laid his eyes on, and he couldn't resist going down for another kiss, this one sweeter, promises of treasure and worship. 

The kiss ended too early, but only because Jaemin needed to ask, "where do you keep your lube?"

Renjun looked at him with interest, not catching on, but signaled to his nightstand, and Jaemin found the bottle in the second drawer. 

He dropped the object on Renjun's stomach, and he hissed; everything seemed too cold compared to the boy's touch, but Jaemin didn't seem to care, going back to admiring Renjun and his anticipation, watching as he turned shy right before Jaemin's gaze.

Jaemin smiled and kissed his worries away, taking time to memorize all the curves in his body, to let his hand roam free, let his tongue play with his nipples, hold his waist so firmly his skin turned red, and bend his knees and part his legs, accepting Jaemin in the middle.

He had missed this image.

Renjun didn't understand where that was going, but he trusted Jaemin and knew he would soon find out anyway. So when Jaemin squirted some of the liquid on his hand, massaging his fingers to make it warm, Renjun could only brace himself with the tension and excitement. 

And when Jaemin dropped his hands to his ass, one cupping it and the other looking for the soft spot he knew of. When he started to circle the rim, he could feel Renjun spasm under him; he didn't know if the shine on his forehead came from the water or sweat, but the boy kept his eyes shut, brows furrowed.

Jaemin smiled, voice a little bit too fond, "what are you so tense about?"

They had done this before, and this second meeting of bodies was turning out to be even more special than the first. Because now, Jaemin could love with all the letters and give him all the affection he wanted. The boy beneath him had agreed to it all, and Jaemin wished to express to this one boy what this moment meant to him.

He wouldn't have to worry about Renjun slipping away from him, or Jaemin forgetting his duties - they were creating the time now, and the before was irrelevant. There was only Renjun opening his eyes to see Jaemin's tender look and respond with a _shut up_ , as he had done before because Renjun was very contained when receiving pleasure, he would bite his lips and furrow his brows, stubbornly keeping it all to himself. It didn't matter, because Jaemin pushed his first finger in, and he could feel Renjun's body shift under him, and he liked the idea of working up Renjun until he couldn't contain his cries anymore.

And that's what he did; he kept his movements shallow and sucked the gasp lost in Renjun's mouth. That boy's body, so soft, so temperamental, and so, so pretty, opening up only for him. Renjun shifted, looking for more, and Jaemin decided to deepen his finger and his kisses. 

It came as a surprise, even though that was what Renjun was waiting for, and he moaned through the kiss when Jaemin decided to curl his finger slightly, only tempting him with the thought of it. It was insane how much Jaemin already knew about the boy by only sharing a bed with him once, but Renjun was very obvious to him; he knew how to read him like an open book - one that looked like it was made specifically for him. 

Jaemin once wanted to mark Renjun, take him in so that no one else could ever compare, and be who he thought about. The spell turned on him, and Jaemin knew he would never be able to move on from the silent whispers and puckered lips; Renjun wasn't someone he could get over it, and he prayed he never had to. 

He took his time with Renjun, slowly working him crazy, finger deep, unrhythmic and alluring, mouth on his ear, whispering sweet nothings that were never to be repeated outside of those four walls. 

When Jaemin inserted the second one, there wasn't the burn Renjun would feel sometimes, but there was boiling. The heat was on his lower back, the tip of his fingers, and inside of his mouth. And the wet gasps turned into begging, incomprehensible pleas that sounded like music to Jaemin. 

And whatever request Renjun had, it died down when Jaemin went back to his knees, towering over the boy and getting a new picture for his gallery - one that consisted of Renjun and all his expressions, all stages of his descent into madness. It was a private collection, and Jaemin was proud of it. Renjun became quiet again because Jaemin took his other hand and caressed his sides, his thighs, getting to his crotch and landing on his dick.

The double stimulation came as a surprise, and Jaemin declared war against the very last thread of Renjun's sanity. There, watching as the boy wriggled his body, knuckles white and fingers red from fisting the sheets, face fallen to the side, trying to keep quiet, searching for a pillow, anything, to bury his screams with. Right there, another image was born. 

With the worry Renjun would end up hurting himself if he continued biting his lips, Jaemin went back down, slowing the pace once more, reassuring words leaving his mouth, and eyes full of fondness. But there was nothing fond in the way he kept teasing, speeding it up only to slow it down again, building momentum and never reaching its climax. Jaemin was amused, and he wanted to drag the moment longer, take what he could, and give back double. It had always been like this with them.

And when Jaemin looked for Renjun's lips again, he was met with a dissatisfied look and a hand shoving his face away. Jaemin laughed at the petty response and kissed what he could of the boy; forehead, cheeks, jaw, neck. Quick and loud pecks that kept Renjun giggling, heart racing with the absurdity of it all - Jaemin was ridiculous, and he liked every part of him. 

Except as soon as Renjun got comfortable again, basking on the slow rhythm and burn he felt in his belly, Jaemin went back to building his pace, getting back to the same speed he had before. Renjun's vision was blurry with sweat, and maybe tears; every part of his body was getting jolts of pleasure, and all he could do was beg and hope Jaemin listened to him and didn't stop. 

In a mix of fingers curling, wet cries, and desperate sobs, Renjun hit a full-body orgasm, and he could feel it from the top of his head to the tip of his toes, burning pleasure washing away all he wanted to say, a feeling so powerful he could only hope his body was intact after, but couldn't be sure. 

Renjun wasn't in touch with where he was, the concept of place and belonging becoming foreign to him, mind transcending and scattering with the wind, elevating from his body, soul so light it flew away. All he heard were quiet whispers, a soft voice guiding him, and everything turned black.

It took him minutes until he came back to his senses, eyes finally receiving commands again and focusing on the boy's face next to his, still wearing the same amused grin Renjun had seen earlier. 

He was dry again; Jaemin made sure to get the baby wipes and clean Renjun and himself from the mess they created, worried the boy was going to fall asleep and end up rolling around in bed. 

Jaemin sustained his head with his hand, elbow deep on the mattress. And Renjun saw the wicked in his eyes before he even said anything, "So, how much time do you need until a second round?"

The look of horror on Renjun's face was exactly what he was looking for, he seemed almost offended, and laughter erupted from Jaemin's chest, and he curled his body towards the boy, a move so quick it shook the mattress. 

"I take it back," Renjun's voice was quiet compared to his boyfriend's, "you should leave my house."

Jaemin gave him a peck on the cheek, but plopped down next to him, "too late," he told him, "you're stuck with me now."

Renjun weighed his options; that didn't seem so bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin: very cool, calm, and collected.  
> Renjun: I'm about to finish this man's whole career.  
> Jaemin *shows him the Uno reverse card*  
>   
> Other than the bad joke, I have nothing today; I am drained from life, lmao.  
> I hope everyone has a great weekend; we'll see each other again soon.  
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/toojuns)  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/toojuns)


	17. Commonplace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4A8yyS6TLlglvsBWyirQd1?si=-uQs6aaZS127QgM5oJaMFw)  
> [pinterest board](https://br.pinterest.com/clariexyz/1-his-tattoos/)  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/toojuns)  
>   
> Songs for this chapter: Walls by Fuvk and Hold On by flor

The term inside Renjun's mind these days was _natural_ ; he couldn't think of any better word to describe Jaemin being inside his house for longer than the breakfast and dinner they shared. Renjun's proposal did wonders for their routine, they were quick to go back to Jaemin's home and pack up a suitcase with his clothes and belongings, and Renjun was more than happy to forfeit a drawer on his wardrobe for his boyfriend to use.

It didn't take much to settle in, Jaemin wouldn't be there for long anyway, but that didn't mean he wouldn't try to make the most out of that first night. They were officially roommates now, and Jaemin liked the sound of that. Hence, he rushed to put all his clothes away and convinced Renjun to walk with him around the neighborhood.

Going out, especially in the cold, was the last thing on Renjun's mind, but he found out he didn't have a strong enough resolve when it came to Jaemin's smile and excitement when proposing idiotic late-night dates, all it took was a _please_ , and he was gone. So Renjun went anyway, cursing himself, Jaemin's ancestors, and every single choice in his life that led to this moment; his toes freezing inside his fuzzy socks. Jaemin tried to make fun of his socks but quickly realized those were no laughing matter as Renjun sent him the nastiest look he had ever seen on the boy's face. His clothing of choice was a method of survival, and he wasn't going to be shamed for it. 

Still, Renjun understood why Jaemin wanted to go out, especially once they took the route to Renjun's favorite restaurant, passing by and walking towards the park they stood months ago. When Jaemin had first told Renjun of his whereabouts, when he was still unsure of the future, and all he knew was that he liked the boy's presence. That was the first time Renjun let his head roam around free with Jaemin, thinking he would face the consequences the next day. He got why the boy wanted to be there; the contrast of that night and now was enough to keep anyone wondering. 

Renjun was perhaps too shy now to reach for Jaemin's hand, or maybe he just didn't want to uncross his arms and be hit with the cold wind, but Jaemin didn't mind. He felt at peace just walking alongside the boy, hearing the cars pass by and stealing glances when Renjun let his head down, hiding away from Seoul's chilly breeze. 

He thought about Renjun back then, with his millions of schedules and dark gauging circles under his eyes; Renjun was frail to the point of breaking. And yet, he was probably the strongest person out of their friend group. Jaemin was curious, firstly because of his sister, later because of the boy himself - Renjun was fascinating, with his fiery temper and kind heart, it made sense for Donghyuck to be his best friend.

And the curiosity turned into interest, a genuine need to know more about the boy, understand Renjun's matters and concerns, and reach out to close the gap between them. Renjun became part of his day to day life, and with it came the thought of something else, a feeling greater than anything he was used to. 

At that time, he didn't quite grasp the pull Renjun had on him; all he knew was that he liked the boy enough to keep him close. Everything else was a secondary matter. 

And before Jaemin could actively understand, being with Renjun was equivalent to watching the moon in those quiet nights in Pohang. When the day ceased, his kids were put to bed, and he could bathe in the tranquility, something the sun couldn't achieve. Staying with Renjun was safe; he felt seen, and there was no reason to hide. For the first time, he tried to open up himself first, tell this one boy - who he felt so captivated by - where he was, and what he has been up to. 

Renjun took him in and made peace with his shattered pieces, polishing all his rough corners, offering a shoulder for him to cry on, and a heart to call home. 

He thought about all the times they spent in Renjun's kitchen, the discussions about food - Renjun telling him how _convenient_ instant ramen it was, Jaemin shaming him for his laziness. He thought about seeing Renjun on his element, passing by the café to talk to Jaeun and catching glimpses of the boy teaching his classes, concentrated, confident - those were Jaemin's moments only, he was selfish enough to keep them for himself. He thought about Renjun surrounded by their friends, the Chinese slipping out whenever he got too excited about an argument, or when he was tipsy talking with Chenle or Donghyuck - the latter having no idea what Renjun was going on about but agreeing to it anyway. 

He also thought about all the times they stopped themselves from going further, longing palpable between the two, words left unsaid, hasty goodbyes, and fearful greetings. Feelings too real to let go, too scary to move on. They stayed like that until it became too much, and Renjun came crashing down with all his spirit and sharpness. 

And he didn't stop until they got what they wanted, what was theirs to take. Mouths, hands, and hearts colliding. A turmoil of emotions, warmth laced with doubt; Renjun would say, Jaemin would follow, and the other way around. They were constructing their bond together like it had always been with them. 

"What are you thinking about?" Renjun brought him back to the moment, they had reached the park Jaemin was searching for. It was the same as before; the only one changing was him. 

Renjun sat on the swing, too cold to move.

"You," the words came out of his mouth before he could stop them, and he could feel Renjun cringing; the look on his face telling him it was too much. 

"Ew," he complained, "stop that."

Jaemin didn't stop forever, but he did for the night. He wasn't entirely sure why he wanted to go there, but he wanted to get that feeling again, wanted to set Renjun and him at the place they once were, and relive it. Dwell on it with the knowledge he had finally found his words, finally had the time, finally got the boy. 

They spent the night searching for that same peace, and when Jaemin felt it again, all he could do was laugh at the incredulity of it all. Because who would've thought really, that his life was going to shift so much in the span of a year? Who would've thought he would start to get things right and that he wouldn't feel lonely anymore?

He recognized the feeling now. Or lack of it. That first night they stood at the park, Jaemin wasn't feeling lonely anymore. He was opening up, and Renjun was taking him in. And maybe that was the day he started falling in love or the day he realized he would. 

And a new emotion took place inside Jaemin's mind; it was so powerful he got scared for a second. He got scared of alarming Renjun with it. Realizing, with all of his heart, that no, he wasn't _falling_ in love _._ He had already done so months ago. It was so obvious too; he felt it on his tongue, and on the tip of his fingers, the recognition sending shock waves through his body.

Something must've startled Renjun because the next thing he said was, "are you okay? Are you cold?

 _No. I guess I'm just in love._ Jaemin thought, "yeah, we should leave."

That was music to Renjun's ears, and with a smile made for Jaemin, they got out of there quickly. 

And the days started to warp its time. Mornings were too short, afternoons too long, nights too brief again. But there would never be a sufficient amount of time considering Renjun wanted forever. 

The start to Renjun's day almost stayed the same; he was still woken up by the smell of Jaemin's cooking, only now it was easier to convince Jaemin to come back to bed than it was for the boy to persuade Renjun to get out. With redden lips and mischief in their eyes, they started to arrive late to their classes; neither seemed to mind that much. 

Afternoons at work dragged. The library could be tedious when there were no kids around, only the adults immersed in their own stories. Jaemin preferred the kids; they would share their excitement and discoveries with anyone they deemed approachable, and luckily he was part of that list. Renjun had a better time since his work had schedules, and he would know who to expect and when. But that didn't stop him from feeling guilty whenever he saw Jaeun - the woman having no idea of the sudden developments in their lives. 

Renjun agreed to let Jaemin handle her sister, "I think I should be the one to tell her any news from now on," the boy had told him one night. He didn't want Jaeun to be stuck on the time in which Jaemin shut her out, and the best way to do it would be to have him tell he was dating Renjun. Only that was turning out to be trickier than he thought it would be because he had misunderstood their conversation last time. Jaeun was talking to him again, but the treatment was at arms-length, polite exchanges that did not seem like the woman, and it would throw Jaemin off whenever he acquired the courage for it.

"Give her time," Renjun told him once while helping out with the dinner - he was carelessly cutting the vegetables, and Jaemin was worried he was going to cut himself, "she has to warm up to your whole life again."

Jaemin didn't quite understand the holdup, as he felt everything was already out in the open, and thoughts were exposed. But Renjun seemed to know better when it came to Jaeun, so, while trying to take the knife away from the boy's hand, he took the advice. 

Nights became a haven. The moment they had more time, more than they ever did. There were no more longing gazes across the room, no excuses to stay longer; Jaemin didn't need to go back to his place. When Renjun rested his head on the pillow, the boy was next to him, already hogging the covers - all while swearing he didn't feel cold _at all_. 

Talking in bed was expected; they created a comfortable space to share their thoughts there. With the night ascending and the world collapsing, Jaemin told Renjun more about his childhood, discussed his grandmother and estranged father. He talked about the good times, getting Jeno in trouble for trying to exchange papers with him during an exam, the time they decided to pierce their ears, and he had to swallow his pain to not scare Jeno and his best friend's prepubescent crush on his sister.

"Jaeun, really?" Renjun couldn't believe it; she was the polar opposite of whatever Jeno was in his mind.

"Oh yeah," Jaemin liked how sometimes a brand new information would awaken Renjun again, the boy fighting to keep his eyes open, prolonging the moment they had together. "I told Mark once, and now Donghyuck doesn't let him live that down. It was ten years ago."

Renjun also contributed to their talks, especially when he had something he was passionate about. It could be an argument he had with his father - Jaemin didn't understand anything that came out of the boy's mouth while he was on the phone with his family, but he knew Renjun well enough to pick up on his body language. It could be a new discovery Jaehwan had done that day - Renjun had told him the child was getting more and more attached to him, but Jaemin knew the other way around was happening too. Or it could just be Renjun reminiscing about his past as well, talking about family and friends he left in China, about a Renjun Jaemin knew nothing about - and that he desperately would've liked to meet. 

Their conversations did not end; they were cut off. Sometimes by one of them falling asleep, others by kisses and laughter that would echo in the room - setting their talks aside to deal with their need to be closer, to convey emotions that felt too vague as words in their mouths. They took more baths together, those which usually transformed into them in bed, delicate hands and hasty breaths, bodies coming undone as they spiraled into their quest of memorizing each other's touch, and kissed away the other's moans. 

Talking with the kids on the phone became a joint activity. Renjun never muttered a word, but the phone was always set on speaker, and Jaein and Jaewon's voices would fill his apartment while Jaemin replied. Somedays, Renjun would hold the phone while Jaemin was cooking, stealing kisses when the other got close enough, and actively trying to keep his mouth shut when he thought one of the kids was right and Jaemin should just yield.

"Jaewon has a point, you know." He said one day, sitting on his counter and troubling Jaemin's process. They had just finished their daily talk with the siblings. 

"About what?" They usually talked about so many things in one sitting, it was hard to keep track sometimes.

"His ghost theory," the boy explained, "actually makes sense."

Jaemin rolled his eyes, something he tried not to do with his siblings but would be too comfortable to give in to Renjun. Jaewon saw somewhere that spirits would reside in homes that were unoccupied for long, just like his new apartment. And the more the boy explained, the more Renjun was starting to believe Jaemin's place might be haunted.

"There are no ghosts there," he reached over to grab the pepper grinder from behind Renjun, shooting him a dirty look when the boy not only didn't move but also tried to keep him in place. 

Renjun was affectionate in the weirdest of times, and Jaemin started to realize that was his way of riling him up and breaking the peace. He looked for kisses while the meat was already cooking, wanted cuddles when they were late to class, tried to get Jaemin out of his clothes when the boy had to leave them on and get out of the house. It didn't help that Jaemin was gone for this boy, so whatever battle they were going through, Renjun was winning.

"You can't be sure," Renjun didn't let things go easily, and he was just as prone to believe in conspiracy theories and the supernatural as Jaewon was. 

"Neither can you."

"Exactly," Renjun tried, "that's why I keep my mind open to those things."

The conversation was pointless, and after a while, Jaemin only listened as Renjun told him about the numerous ghost documentaries he had seen already; Jaemin joked about the boy being a connoisseur and got an angry sigh in response.

"Keep on being disrespectful," Renjun warned, "and you'll know exactly why you're gonna be the one going down first."

It hit Jaemin then how his kids and Renjun together were going to be challenging to handle. He was harsh with Jaemin but always open to hearing the kids' side, and Jaemin knew the three would gang upon him. He had to at least try to get Jaein on his side; otherwise, it was going to be tough. 

Jaemin managed to persuade Renjun into taking the entire weekend to discover the neighborhood he was going to move into. The elder wasn't that happy, precisely because Jaemin meant going around and walking in the cold, and frankly, one day, he was going to have to learn a way to get out of Jaemin's crazy ideas. 

They went around looking at the schools, taking all the pamphlets they could find, and parks they could go to. There were two kid's cafés relatively close to Jaemin's apartment, and Renjun advised him not to take that route with the kids - he had seen enough tantrums to last for an entire lifetime from the children in his classes. 

As a thank you, Jaemin treated Renjun to lunch in one of the closest restaurants to the house they could find; that way, he could later drag Renjun inside and get him to daydream with him. 

That was his favorite activity these days: staying with his boyfriend and daydreaming about the next step in life. He made sure to do it with Renjun too, he figured it was the easiest way to have the boy believe him that he wanted Renjun near. The image inside Jaemin's head had already created a space that only Renjun could fill. 

"Now really," Jaemin tried again, this time with only Renjun in the apartment, "what do you think?"

The kids' furniture had already been delivered, but Jaemin didn't take them off the boxes. Renjun was trying to read how to set up the bookshelf they had bought, and failing miserably at it, "I like my neighborhood better." 

Of course he would; Jaemin liked it too, "yeah, but I was talking about the place."

"Oh," a bookshelf shouldn't be that hard to understand; the instructions didn't even make sense, they should have paid the department the extra to get them to build everything, "it's good, I like it. Didn't I already said that?"

"You kinda didn't," Jaemin recalled that day, "you also ran away from me for an entire week after it."

"Right," he took out the screws from the little bag they came in, letting one of them fall to the ground. "I'm sorry about that."

"Careful," Jaemin warned, picking up the screw and handing it back. 

That was lovely coming from Jaemin, who was just setting up the beds - that came basically ready for use; they didn't even need a manual. Renjun was tackling a whole bookcase, one that came in the form of sheets of plywood, planked boards, and weird instructions. They were not the same.

"You know you could help, right?" 

Jaemin only had to unpack the mattresses they bought, but both beds were already set to their respective corners of the room. And in the middle of the kids' bedroom, there was a Renjun surrounded by wooden planks and looking distressed. 

"Yeah, of course." Jaemin hadn't even realized.

But that was just talk because as soon as Jaemin tried to get his hands on the manual, it was snatched away by Renjun again. The boy being too proud to give in, and after a few snarky remarks, Jaemin figured it was better to just hand him the tools he needed and be there for emotional support. 

And after two hours and three Youtube videos - to which Renjun at first refused to look while Jaemin tried to convince it would be easier that way -, the bookshelf was now complete. One screw was left without a purpose, but they decided to let that one slide since the furniture looked sturdy. 

"If it breaks, the blame is all yours," Jaemin teased, "you didn't let me help."

"Shut up," Renjun replied, admiring his work, "if it breaks, it was because you're a bad owner."

That kind of logic made sense to Renjun and none to Jaemin. Before going back home, they decided to go to a shop and look for colors to paint the walls. Jaemin still had no clue what he was going to do, but if anyone could help him, that person was Renjun. 

And he was right. After a friendly conversation with the guy behind the counter and seeing some swatches, Renjun found the perfect solution for a bedroom for two children.

"What if we painted a chalkboard wall?" He asked his boyfriend.

"What do you mean?"

"You know," Renjun gestured for the can behind the counter, and the man went to get it for him, "we could paint one of the walls and just let them draw whatever they want with chalk. It doesn't stain, and it could be fun."

The man handed Renjun the can he was looking for, and Jaemin found a problem. 

"Black?" He asked, "the room will look tiny."

They were using the largest room in the apartment precisely because Jaemin wanted the kids to feel they had enough space for themselves, even if they had to share. Painting it black would only make it cramped.

"It won't," Renjun assured, "not if we keep the other walls light, we could let them as it is and just have the wall to the bedroom door painted."

That wall, in particular, received the most lighting from the sun, being right across the kids' windows, so it could work. On Renjun's head, it already did.

"I'll ask the kids what they think," Jaemin said, still unsure if that idea was indeed the solution.

It was. As soon as the kids heard about the plan, they were ecstatic with the idea of having a wall, _a whole wall_ , to draw on and play with. If Renjun still had any doubts over his place in Jaemin's life, they were quickly dispersing. 

So they went back the next day and bought the paint. Renjun only let Jaemin touch with a brush the parts where he was sure the boy wasn't going to mess anything up. Jaemin was offended; all they had to do was coat the wall with one color; there wasn't even a design to follow, and yet, Renjun treated him like a child. Worse than one, because Jaemin was sure his boyfriend did not talk to his students like that. He wasn't sure if Renjun had better eyesight than him - that couldn't be it; the boy was squinting whenever they watched tv, although he would never let Jaemin point that out -, but he succeeded to find all the little corners Jaemin forgot to paint over. And Jaemin had to remind himself to never start any other art project with Renjun ever again; now that he had both hands functioning, he was extra mean. 

And that same Sunday, after painting the third coat on the wall, they gave up for a while, letting time do its own thing and opening all doors and windows so the apartment could ventilate. And now that Renjun didn't have his mind clouded by any mission, he could take in what he and Jaemin had done with the place. 

The apartment looked like home. Like none of Jaemin's places ever did, they created a space that pertained to a family, which would grow up with one. It came with the awful covers Jaemin put on the sofa, the drawings the kids made, and he had already put up on the fridge, and the frame they had bought last time, a simple black one, that was just waiting for the guardianship documents, so they could frame it and put it on the wall too. A token of their battle.

They could relax on the harmony they made and go back room by room, checking for possible safety hazards. They put felt protectors on the chairs' foot, kept the knives high enough to not let them reach easily, and looked for every power plug to see if they were okay.

"They are older than Jaehwan," Jaemin complained when Renjun talked about locking the kitchen drawers but agreed on putting protector guards on the tables and nightstands. 

"You'll have a nephew _and_ a niece running around here pretty soon, too," Renjun reminded him, "you won't have time to keep four kids in check."

Hopefully, Jaemin would never have the need to babysit his sister's kids while being alone with his own. If it ever came a time where he would have to have all four kids with him, he was sure he would beg Renjun for help. 

And Renjun would come, obviously. Because he couldn't stand the thought of four kids overwhelming Jaemin, because he knew well enough how one moment of carelessness could ensure hours of chaos, trips to the nearest hospital and Jaemin only had two hands - they had eight, it would be a lost battle from the start. 

That night they made the mistake of sleeping in Jaemin's apartment. Renjun wanted to keep an eye on their painting job, and Jaemin just wanted to have the boy there; he was excited to get Renjun in his space for once, instead of the other way around. And it was a mistake because morning came, and Renjun had to wake up earlier if they wanted to get to their classes reasonably late. 

"I hate this," Renjun sat by the counter in the kitchen, "I'm never sleeping here again."

Jaemin laughed, knowing fully well Renjun was all bark. 

And Renjun wasn't going to admit it, but he liked being taken care of. He liked to know Jaemin had already thought this all through; he had bought a pair of slippers and a toothbrush for the boy to keep it there. He liked the idea of being the first one to spend an entire night in the apartment with Jaemin. And he loved how satisfied the boy seemed to be about it, how his eyes lit up when Renjun agreed to stay, and how their bodies molded into each other until morning, a habitual action in an unfamiliar place.

They fell into their new routine pretty quickly again. Jaemin woke them up in the morning, afternoons were spent with Renjun sending messages filled with youtube videos of DIYs made for an apartment - the canopy being one of them, he was set on making it happen. They perfected Jaemin's home when they had a break and went back to Renjun's when they couldn't move anymore.

"How many hula-hoops are you going to bend until you let me help?" Jaemin asked when Renjun let out a frustrated sigh that night.

"Shut up," Renjun snapped. That was now a matter of honor, as many of the other projects that week, "you'll ruin it."

Jaemin didn't have enough coordination when it came to delicate works, and the fabric they had chosen for Jaein's canopy was fragile - it was probably best that Renjun was taking on the challenge. That was fine because they both had their areas of expertise; Jaemin could cook like no other, and Renjun was crafty. They were unstoppable together.

But he did almost ruin the fabric before finally getting it right, and now they had a custom-made canopy lying around Renjun's living room. Another thing to install when they went home again; Jaemin couldn't wait to see the kids' faces when they experienced the new apartment for the first time.

And Jaemin learned to sometimes wake up to the smell of paint, Renjun on his easel crafting another painting. His inspirations sometimes came at the weirdest times; it could be three in the morning, and Jaemin would be taken from his sleep by the strong smell. He would find Renjun using the soft lighting from outside to sketch something. Sometimes it was just shapes, colors, sometimes it was him. 

Jaemin hadn't even opened up his eyes yet, but he could guess how he would find Renjun.

"You'll hurt your eyes like that," the warning was expected. Renjun would always tell Jaemin art couldn't wait, and his boyfriend would disagree with him.

Renjun's sigh was also foreseen, a dance they would do late at night for absolutely no reason. 

"Go to sleep," he told Jaemin.

But this wasn't their first time, and Jaemin had already found a way to get his way, "come with me," he requested.

And one day, honestly, Renjun would find a way to say no.

Telling their friends they were together was a tricky situation. They all belonged in the same group, so they were both awkward at first as to how to bring it up. Dynamics would shift, and Renjun wasn't sure if that would be a positive experience; he liked how things were going. 

Nonetheless, talking to the people closest to them was necessary. They couldn't stay hiding inside Renjun's apartment, and evading questions as they seemed fit. 

So Jaemin started with Jeno. He was probably the easiest out of their entire friend group to talk to, and his reaction didn't come as a surprise. It did come as a shock for Jeno when they decided to go out, the boy thinking they had been together for longer than they really were. 

"The math doesn't add up," Jeno told him back in his room at the dorms. They had to keep quiet; otherwise, it was possible Donghyuck and Jisung would burst through the door, and they were Renjun's problem, "I won't be mad if you started dating him sooner, you can tell me."

Jeno's concern was cute but unnecessary, as Jaemin was telling him the truth. If they skipped some steps, changed the order of events, that was for Jaemin and Renjun to know only. "I already told you."

"No, but really," Jeno insisted, "I promise."

There was no getting through to him, and Jeno would always think whatever he wanted to. So Jaemin gave up and said yes to every question Jeno would make - which was a bad idea since it would create clatter between Jeno and Donghyuck whenever they decided to trade stories and realize one of their best friends were lying. 

But Jaemin did try to keep the story at least somewhat coherent; it was Jeno who wouldn't believe in him. He held the details to himself but told his friend about Renjun's support and overall comfortable presence these past months. 

That was Jaemin's first real relationship; he never stuck around with one person long enough to want to make things serious. He never felt a connection with anyone in that way; there was always something more important for him, be it his sister, be it Jeno; Jaemin had never felt the need for a long-lasting romantic partner.

That was until Renjun came around and claimed a space inside his mind and apartment, took the seat next to him in the car, and joked around with his family. The boy was reserved and explosive, dissonances inside a tiny frame. And Jaemin thought about making it official for the first time, being able to sit beside him and hold his hand while everyone was around, talk about the future without having to worry. 

He got greedy. Jaemin soon realized every time he got something, he wanted more. He wanted Renjun's weekdays and weekends, his bursts of anger and affection, his laughter, and annoyance. Jaemin wanted to be the one who would make Renjun come undone at nights, and also the one who got to wake up next to him in the mornings. 

"Renjun is a fucking saint," Jeno said, more to poke fun at Jaemin than anything, "I can't believe you're not my problem anymore."

That was a running joke between the two ever since their school days. Jaemin got into an argument with a teacher? Someone would go get Jeno; Jaemin was his problem. Jeno was in trouble because some guy wanted to beat him up? That was Jaemin's problem as well. They worked in a pair.

"Oh no," Jaemin reassured him, "I'm still your problem, though."

Jeno made a disgusted face, and Jaemin couldn't help but try and kiss his cheeks. Which led to getting hit by the captain of the swimming team, and with his arm bruised up came the threat of telling Renjun about it. 

Jeno froze. And Jaemin found another weapon to work with: a tiny Chinese boy with a foul mouth and dainty lips.

Talking to Donghyuck was a whole different story, and it was only done days after Jaemin had already told Jeno. After the news was out, there was no way Renjun could procrastinate more with it. 

So he decided to tell him at a coffee shop near their campus, somewhere with people around so he couldn't get shouted at - Renjun doubted he would, but Hyuck liked to surprise sometimes. While they were sharing a cake and discussing their plans for next semester - Donghyuck wanted to take another class with Renjun, and he and Mark were thinking of leaving the house -, Renjun dropped the bomb.

And against all odds, Donghyuck didn't even bat an eye. 

"Yeah," he took another piece of the cake, clearly more interested in eating, "so?"

"I just told yo-"

"Yeah," Donghyuck interrupted, "I figured it would happen when you guys slept together."

Donghyuck knew Renjun, but most importantly, he knew Jaemin. And he saw how Jaemin looked at his best friend; he was there that first day at the boy's new apartment. It was hard to miss, and by now, even Jisung should be aware of it all.

Because the way Jaemin looked at Renjun made everything so painfully obvious, it came as an offense to Donghyuck's intellect how they were even discussing it now. 

"But if you're happy," Donghyuck had already said everything Renjun needed to hear anyway, "then I'm happy."

It was crazy to Donghyuck how Renjun would eagerly choose to be with someone with so many puzzles to solve, but it also fit him. It made sense that Renjun would prefer someone that was just as family-oriented as he was, someone who wouldn't mind all his crazy plans and weird obsessions - who would indulge with him in them. Jaemin did it all with a smile on his face and butterflies in his stomach. 

And all Donghyuck could hope for was that reality wouldn't come crashing down on them. 

"Thank you," Renjun was relieved, "I am."

Donghyuck had his fair share of fights with Renjun's ex-boyfriends - the two he knew being a pain in the ass towards him and treating Renjun like shit by the end. He had his reasons for being protective; no one could take that away from him. And he had more to be wary of right now, especially since they were both his friends, and he knew the struggles Jaemin faced. 

And all he could hope was that his best friend was mature enough to understand he would be dating, in the most straightforward way of speaking, a newly single dad. Jaemin would have all the obligations a parent would have, and those came with sacrifices, putting kids first and Renjun second, sometimes even third. 

Donghyuck knew for sure he wasn't mature enough for it, but he could only hope Renjun was. 

Chenle was the next to know by accident. Jeno let the fact slip while they were at the library studying, and Chenle's scream made them get kicked out of the building. They were already pushing it with the talking, and the boy's reaction only sealed the deal. And of course Chenle went to find Renjun in one of his classes; he didn't even let Jeno get away, the boy having to wait around until Renjun got out of class.

Jeno apologized, and Renjun could feel how awkward things were between the two - but Chenle did not care; all he wanted was to know why Lee Jeno knew first, and why the hell was he learning about it from Lee Jeno.

"Jaemin's _literally_ my best friend." Jeno was offended by the use of his full name and the connotation of him being less. 

"But I'm me," that logic made sense to Chenle and only him, "how come I didn't know?"

There was one thing that came as a surprise for both Jaemin and Renjun: everyone in their friend group would perceive their dating status as an ongoing thing, as if they were already dating for longer and were just shy to tell them. Apparently, they weren't that good at hiding their googly eyes for each other. 

So life continued as it always had, except now there was a louder teasing when Jaemin and Renjun came in late to meet their friends, and Jaemin was allowed to look for Renjun's hand under the table and intertwine their fingers. 

"Could you two be more disgusting?" Donghyuck would imitate vomiting noises when he caught them holding hands, and Mark tried his best to quiet down his boyfriend - knowing fully well that the taunting could fall upon them later. Chenle joined in from time to time, too, laughing so hard his jokes didn't even make sense. 

Nevertheless, Renjun was happy with their new situation, and he felt welcomed by the group. They wouldn't be themselves if there wasn't any mocking going on. 

But now Renjun was also concerned about how he acted around Jaeun. If he was so transparent to his friends, there was no way Jaemin's sister was oblivious to it all. So he started to monitor his own actions around her, to the point where Jaeun got angry at him.

"Could you stop squirming next to me?" Jaeun wasn't one to mince her words, especially now. 

"I'm not," even to Renjun, his voice did not sound convincing. 

And Renjun cursed Jaemin and his cowardliness; why couldn't he just tell his sister and be over it? Now Renjun had to walk over eggshells with Jaeun, and that wasn't like him; it wasn't like them.

And the woman was so over everything that every time Renjun started to act up beside her, she sent him home, "I can't even _think_ with you here, go." 

Jaemin also stopped by sometimes, and that only seemed to fuel her rage. Some days she would ignore him; others, she would get Jaemin to do some useless task around the house, an act of silent revenge from her brother. 

And they would go home, Jaemin still thinking about how to talk to his sister and Renjun aware she probably already knew. 

It was almost the weekend again, and Renjun couldn't wait to get home. These days his apartment was the only place he wanted to be. The space he shared with Jaemin, where they planned, laughed, argued, where they were creating so many memories already. The days couldn't pass by any quicker than they already were, and with it came the dread of having it all gone again. Jaemin slipping away from his fingers to start his next journey. 

Renjun was now used to seeing his boyfriend sitting on the floor of his apartment; Jaemin loved to scatter all his homework and documents around to better grasp his situation. Except for that day, there weren't many papers around; there were a few sheets neatly stacked and Jaemin's little notebook on his hand - the one he always kept with him.

The sight was usual yet new. Something was missing.

"What are you doing?" Renjun asked, leaving his bag on the couch and choosing to join Jaemin on the floor. 

The boy was concentrated, lost inside his own head, and it took Renjun poking him to get his attention, "what?" Jaemin shot back, anxious.

Renjun gestured to the organized mess in front of them, and slowly Jaemin realized he was supposed to give him an answer for it. 

"I'm doing some math," Jaemin explained, "kids are expensive."

Renjun could only imagine. They had spent the past two weeks buying things for the house, searching for the kids' activities, and they all cost a lot. Going to a new school would mean getting new books, buying their uniforms, finding safe transportation, and Jaemin only saw his money getting away from him.

Renjun hummed in agreement and rested his head on Jaemin's shoulder. The boy was tense; Renjun could tell from the way his torso was stiff, and eyes were glued to the phone, the calculator app open.

He didn't ask any more questions, only kept his hand trailing Jaemin's arm. Hopefully, Renjun could exchange some of Jaemin's tension with his quietness; they could share it all. 

And after a few moments, in which Renjun almost fell asleep, Jaemin gave up what he was doing and decided to enjoy the moment with the boy next to him. He cooked, they laughed over some dumb tv show Renjun was into now and went to sleep like any other day. 

It wasn't until the next day at breakfast that Jaemin verbalized what was on his mind, "I'm thinking of taking a break from college next semester."

There was a moment of silence passing by the apartment until a very sleepy and cranky Renjun could understand the implications of that talk.

His spoon stopped moving, "again?"

He didn't mean to sound judgemental, but his tone was reproachful. Jaemin was already late compared to the people who started college with him, and it seemed like the gap was just going to keep increasing.

"Yes," he didn't sound like he was _considering_ it; Jaemin had already made his choice, "so I can be there for the kids, let them adjust to it while having me full-time."

That did sound reasonable; that would be the start of Jaemin's journey with Jaewon and Jaein, and they had a lot yet to conquer. If Jaemin stayed in school, he wouldn't have time to properly take care of the kids, especially in the first few months. Of course he could ask for help, but they were still his children, and he should be there for them. 

"Okay," Renjun agreed, even if that wasn't something he should have a say in it. If that pushed back Jaemin's graduation for another semester, they would handle it when they got to it. 

There was more to it, even Renjun on his dazed state could tell. He figured as the boy wouldn't stop fidgeting, looking at his direction and then away, Jaemin was gathering the correct words to something else. And Renjun waited; he could give Jaemin time if that was what he wanted. 

"Plus," Jaemin continued, feeling more confident with Renjun's approval, "I could get another job while I'm at it."

That took Renjun back to last night. K _ids are expensive_ , he had said, "Jaemin," there probably was a sensible way to touch on this topic, but Renjun knew none of it, "is money a problem?"

He would be shocked if it wasn't, considering they were both in their early twenties and still in college. Taking on raising two kids not only took a toll on Jaemin's mental state but also his pockets. And Jaemin didn't tell anyone about Youngsoo's deal with him, or why part of his savings had disappeared. Money wasn't a problem right now, but it was a concern, and it could become one in the future. 

When he first considered taking on this challenge, he didn't think about money. There were just those two kids he couldn't even manage to stay apart for too long, so of course, he would go to hell and back for them. But he did not realize how much logistics, time, and funds were involved in it. And if Jaemin didn't act on it quick, he would soon be drowning. 

"No," He assured, taking Renjun's forgotten spoon and feeding him a mouthful - mostly to keep his mouth shut, "I just don't want it to be."

That was the most truthful he had been with anyone when it came to money or his worries over it; that had to count for something. 

"I can help," Renjun offered.

The tension on Jaemin's shoulders was back, and it was visible. He worried about this outcome, as he didn't want to push a narrative; Jaemin knew he had to discuss this and feared Renjun's actions.

"Don't be ridiculous."

"I mean it," Renjun didn't mind helping out for a while if it meant Jaemin would be less tense, "we could make it work; I could take some extra shifts at the studio."

Jaemin wasn't looking for someone to share his bills with; he wanted to have a conversation about his shortcomings and decisions. This was a problem Jaemin had for himself, and if Renjun could just stay quiet instead of trying to find a solution when he didn't ask for any, that would be great. 

"Renjun, stop."

"What? I'm serious here."

"So am I," Jaemin's voice was harsher than intended, "I appreciate that, but it has nothing to do with you."

 _And that was final._ He didn't have to say it, but Renjun could pick up on the undertones of their conversation; he could pick up on the annoyance. As much as they could play pretend, they were separate entities, and Renjun wasn't a part of Jaemin's family - not in the way they fooled themselves from time to time. 

There were some problems Jaemin would have to tackle alone, and Renjun was no one to try and fix them. Maybe he needed the wake-up call, but nevertheless, the clarification that he should back off from things that didn't pertain to him hurt. Especially coming from Jaemin himself.

"Right," that was all he could murmur, "of course."

The embarrassment was a severe hit to his ego, and he got out of his sleep trance because of it. He was hyperaware of the conversation and how wrong of a turn it took all of a sudden. He was out of line; Renjun knew it himself. But his protective instincts kicked in when he realized something was bothering someone dear to him, and he wanted to help. However, Jaemin was starting a new chapter in his life, and not only he needed to do it alone, but he had to prove to the court he could do it too. As much as Renjun meant well, his good intentions were not welcomed. 

He took it the wrong way; Renjun saw as a problem with himself, when in reality, it had nothing to do with him, and it should never have anything to do with him. 

They chose the wrong place to start that conversation, the safety of their bed being long gone. There was just the heavy silence and heart resting on Renjun's dinner table.

Jaemin was quick to realize the shift between them, and although he knew he was right, he still said, "I didn't mean it like that."

Because it was true, Jaemin didn't mean for Renjun to fall into his insecurities. Doubts they both knew they had, things they had already discussed before - and Jaemin chose the wrong words to convey an important message. 

He could see it in his eyes how much it bothered him, and he had no clue what else to say to make it better.

It was just a weird morning; Renjun would always wake up irritable anyway; Jaemin had a lot on his mind from yesterday. They were a recipe for disaster; he should've known to wait until they could talk like normal human beings again. 

"I know," Renjun said, but he didn't actually know. 

It was easier for Renjun to cast doubt into their entire two weeks living together than it was to understand Jaemin had miscommunicated. His mind was harsh towards himself like that.

They were saved from the awkwardness of the rest of their breakfast by Jaemin's phone ringing. It had first startled both of them, breaking away the pressure and worry convoluting at that table, and after a few breaths, Jaemin left his chair to go find his cellphone. 

He even considered not answering, but it was morning, and no one would usually call him that early. It could be the kids with an emergency, it could be his lawyers with some new information; Jaemin never knew what he was getting into when he answered a call these days.

Except when he saw the name, a shiver went down his spine. He knew precisely why he was getting that call; he had talked about it with Renjun before and feared that outcome the most. 

Jaemin listened attentively to the voice on the other side of the line, and Renjun was starting to get anxious with how unnatural Jaemin was portraying himself. He told the person to be calm, and yet Jaemin himself looked on the verge of puking. 

Jaemin assured he would meet the person at the hospital, and Renjun finally understood what was going on, who he was talking with, and why his boyfriend was so tense. Renjun felt the tension now as well. They had been to the doctor that same week, and Jaeun complained that there were still no signs of the baby. She had one scare weeks ago, and nothing else. With Jaehwan she had tons. 

Jaemin got off the phone; he looked uncomfortable with that turn of events. They still had to talk, still had to get through Renjun's beautiful and stubborn head that somedays he would just stay on the sidelines cheering - and that would be okay; Jaemin would do the same when needed. 

But unfortunately, they had other things to do, other people to care about, and new responsibilities to face.

"Hm, we have to go," Jaemin told Renjun, tension back but now for a different reason, "Jaeun's water just broke."

And they would have to put a stop to everything else; there were far more important things to think about. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi ❤❤  
> I'm in a very soft mood and felt like we deserved soft renmin, I know I am late but focus on Renjun nagging Jaemin about painting ashbdakjsbhd  
> I know I've been ia for the past two weeks and will probably continue being so, work and college are tough right now, but we're powering through T_T  
> So, we might keep the two weeks' updates for a while, until things get a little quieter over here if that's alright with you. I am also not on twitter cause I honestly lose too much time when I open it lmao but if you need to find me you can dm or go to cc (yesterday I logged onto cc and rest assured I will reply to you all, I'm sorry to keep you waiting T_T)  
> But yeah, comments are always welcomed and I hope everyone has a great weekend! Hopefully the update could make you day a little better like it did mine ❤ Stay safe everyone!  
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/toojuns)  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/toojuns)


	18. Of Cold Days and Waiting Around

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, today is Friday and I'm sorry but I had to review some stuff and it got super late. But we are here and she's a rollercoaster ig. 
> 
> [spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4A8yyS6TLlglvsBWyirQd1?si=-uQs6aaZS127QgM5oJaMFw)  
> [pinterest board](https://br.pinterest.com/clariexyz/1-his-tattoos/)  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/toojuns)  
>   
> Songs for this chapter: Compass by The Neighbourhood and Slip Away by Oh Wonder

The snow came with no warning, clear drops of water condensing into minimal white patterns, gracing whoever was bold enough to leave their house. The news said they would have a cold weekend, but no one was expecting it that fast. As Jaemin opened the apartment door and faced Renjun's worst nightmare, he retreated to get his coat and to rush Renjun to get his.

Jaemin wasn't sure if they were late, but he felt like they were. There was never this kind of rush when his sister was first pregnant; Jaemin was nothing but the younger clueless brother, and he wasn't needed over there. He only got to meet his nephew hours later, when all the craziness had passed. 

But this time, it was different; this time, Jaemin was more mature, and he could assist his sister with her struggles. Responsibility was a new concept for him, something he had just found out about in the last year. And the feeling was sometimes suffocating; having to think not only for himself but for others was exhausting.

The streets were still painted gray, all the snowflakes falling and dissolving on the concrete; it was still too early to be considered dangerous to drive. That moist cold weather was just annoying – the in-between of raining and snowing, without the calmness of the rain or the dryness of snow, it kept them waiting for the change. Waiting for something more.

And Renjun hated waiting. That was probably the worst feeling he knew of since it always came embroiled with uncertainty; not knowing what to expect wasn't something he understood entirely, or respected. Renjun liked to be safe; he kept others safe and never lingered around. 

But the weather wouldn't be as bothersome if only his mood was better. The seething cold wind was nothing compared to the furious blizzard inside his mind, taunting him with all his callous thoughts, filled with broken promises and insidious beginnings. The smaller voice from within was arguing that this wasn't the time to think about anything other than Jaeun, the woman being the priority, but the louder voice was screaming at Renjun for not saying what he had to. 

The unsaid words and annulled argument would haunt him for the entirety of the day. Creeping into his head and disowning all the positive memories from the week, making sure they were the only things Renjun would fixate for the time being. 

They had agreed to talk, and Renjun was better than this. He should've opened up about his problems and discussed his feelings, as Jaemin had always done with his. The younger was always open, waiting for Renjun to catch up, trying not to scare him with the amount of sincerity he could find in his voice. Jaemin was unapologetic in the only way that really mattered; he knew how to ask for things and speak his mind.

Renjun liked to think he did as well, but that lie was thinner by day. The boy knew how to talk for others; he took people's problems and made it his own – that way, he wouldn't have time for his thoughts. And that was the biggest difference between the two of them; Jaemin was aware of his setbacks and worked through them, Renjun ran away from his any chance he could.

His maturity was a deceit, one he only was aware of when he met Jaemin. The only person in their friend group that decided to really grow up, the one who faced his fears and suffered its consequences. 

Renjun felt small in the car, tension crushing his spirit. Inside, his mind was a mess; outside, his expression did not look any better. 

If Jaemin could see it in his face, he decided not to say anything about it. Instead, he offered a hand to his boyfriend, a small part of normalcy and affection that, hopefully, Renjun's mind could not take away from them. 

Renjun accepted, but the warmth only proved the disparity between them. Jaemin, with another member of his family coming to the world, was still trying to make him feel better. 

Renjun glanced to their hands and trailed off to Jaemin's arm until he got to his face. The boy had his jaw tensed up, cheeks stiff from straining, and Renjun realized the only soft movement from Jaemin's body came as the hand intertwined with his, running circles on Renjun's skin with his thumb. 

"How are you feeling?" Renjun asked, at last. Concerns quickly changed as he saw the worry printed on Jaemin's face. 

"I'm okay," Jaemin lied. They both were not ready to lay their hearts out, and it was still too early in the morning to even begin trying to understand what was going on.

Renjun sat still, analyzing Jaemin's words and body movements - the hand firmly gripped on the steering wheel, eyes fixed on the road, and mouth pressed in a thin line. When his boyfriend shifted in his seat, uncomfortable from the staring, Renjun could only sigh.

"What?"

He didn't know how to not sound like a hypocrite, but Renjun ought to try anyway, "You can talk to me, you know."

Jaemin snickered, a hint of humor passing through all the anxiety, tearing whatever thoughts he was having, "I could tell you the same thing," his comeback was harsh, but it landed as a soft blow, no real heat in his words towards Renjun. Because Jaemin wasn't mad, he was worried. Worried about hurting others, of not being able to fulfill all his wishes and promises. 

Worried for a heart he wasn't so sure he could soothe. Not when he had so many other things to think about first, and Renjun deserved just as much love as he gave. Even more, if it was up to Jaemin, but he also did not have the time for it. 

"I guess you could." Renjun agreed, and because Jaemin had his eyes on the road, he wasn't sure if the boy was angry at him for the joke or if that was just one of the usual dry responses Renjun gave in the morning. Maybe he should've kept quiet. 

Renjun let his head hang back on the seat, turning to face his window and immersing in the last moment before the storm crashed upon them. 

The ride was tense, and they didn't talk anymore. Renjun focused on the buildings passing by quickly, too fast, because Jaemin loved to speed. The ringing in his ears was so loud he was unsure if the sound came from inside the car or if he was starting to go crazy. Jaemin didn't once look his way or made any mentions, keeping his head straight and feelings in check. 

They were both too on edge to speak now. As they got closer to the hospital, every single fiber of Jaemin's body seemed like it was going haywire. Renjun could now feel the strain whenever Jaemin searched for his hand after changing gears. 

And it was suffocating, the lump on Renjun's throat only getting bigger. Growing inside him along with the insecurities and pressure for the scene they were about to take on. Maybe it was better that he couldn't talk, as he had no clue what words he would speak anyway. So it was fine by him that they were staying silent, both locked away in their own worlds.

Whatever cursed arguments they could have between them were lost inside their heads and gave way to the bigger issue right now: finding a parking spot quickly so they could rush inside and check on Jaeun.

Hospitals were never Jaemin's favorite place; the smell of rubbing alcohol and nurses swarming would always be too much. He had to keep visiting them in the last few months his mother was alive, and he hated the image of her coming out weaker than when she went in — the bruises from the needles showing up as printed patterns on her skin.

"Hi, we're here for Na Jaeun," Renjun said at the counter, not waiting for Jaemin to catch up, "pregnant lady, should be in labor?" His phrasing posed as a question, and the man took pity on the way the boy's eyes seemed to be popping out of his skull.

Luckily for them, people didn't seem to rush to the hospital at six in the morning, so it was a quiet room, and they were able to scurry to where Jaeun was. One of the private waiting rooms designed for pregnant people.

It seemed expensive, but Renjun remembered Jaeun laughing about using her ex-husband's money for the hospital bills.

"I'm about to push a baby out of me," she had once told the boy, "the least he can do is pay for better heating in the room."

Renjun thought that was fair.

So they went towards her room with their heart in hands, unsure of what they were going to face. And they expected a lot, everything, but what was actually going on.

Jaeun was normal, bright, happy even. Better than she had ever been the past few weeks. There were no signs of annoyance, no dirty looks for breathing in her direction, not even rolling eyes when Jaemin almost tripped by the door to the room. Jaeun was smiling, already attached to the IV drip, and wearing the hospital gown - the blue cloud pattern reminded Renjun of the weird room divider Jaemin had liked for the kids' room. Horrible.

She was trying out the remote control that fixed her bed; every time she would ask for a harsh command, the nurse would look concerned. The giggles and nagging from the woman kept Renjun wondering if she was going insane. 

And the sight was freaky to the boys; maybe their own heads were already in overdrive, and they imagined coming into a room like they were preparing for war. But the reality was so different from what they were expecting, Jaemin had to take one step back and wait until relief rushed through his body.

Jaeun was safe; she was okay. 

Renjun wasn't as lucky with his timing, Jaehwan claiming him as soon as the kid saw his favorite person arrive. The kid wanting at least Renjun to give him the attention he lacked at that moment. 

Jaemin passed by the brotherly reunion happening beside him and strutted over to Jaeun, hands holding the bars to the bed so his sister couldn't see he was, pretty much, shaking, "How are you feeling?" 

Jaeun noticed anyway; she was too in tune with every single person in that room to let anything pass by. But she decided not to mock him; Jaemin, right now, looked too much like the kid he was years ago for her to find it in her heart any will. 

Her smile hid things Jaemin wasn't sure he wanted to know, "I'm great," Jaeun answered, "but ask me again in five minutes, and we might get a show."

She scanned the room to where Renjun was standing, Jaehwan now in his arms, talking in whispers to each other. They did that from time to time, more so lately, and it used to drive Jaeun mad. Right now, she was just glad to have her friend there, someone who could appease her child. 

"Aren't you guys hot?" 

Renjun almost snapped his head with how fast he turned to face her; the look in his eyes telling Jaeun her question was absurd. "It's _snowing_ ," Renjun explained. 

"It's hot here, though."

That did not make any sense. Sure, it was warmer inside the hospital than out in the streets, but it was still cold. Renjun could still feel his ears pricking and fingertips stiff. 

And Renjun was ready to argue; Jaemin knew the signs for it now. The glint of outrage passing through his eyes, mouth hanging open — ready to vocalize his stance —, and the quick steps towards Jaeun. 

Jaemin didn't let him start, unsure why Renjun thought it was a good idea to bicker with a pregnant lady, even more with Jaeun, who was about to have her baby. Blocking Renjun from her vision, he asked, "Do you need anything?"

"I'm good," Jaeun replied, stretching herself and getting back to her controller. 

Renjun finally realized someone was missing from that room, and as much as he didn't like him, the man was still the father to Jaeun's children, "Did you call your ex?" He asked. 

It had been months since he first started witnessing, but Jaemin still couldn't quite figure out the unspoken bond Jaeun and Renjun had — if anyone else tried to mention Taehwan, the woman would have cursed them out. And here Renjun was, not only doing so but having a clear note of distrust in his voice, as if Jaeun could try to use the forgetful card and not call the father of the child at all.

"I did," she replied, no signs of irritation in her voice, "right after I called Jaemin."

"Is he coming?" There was still so much distrust there, Jaemin wondered if Renjun was just projecting his hurt into something else. 

Renjun wasn't; he just didn't like the guy. Jaeun laughed at that.

"Yeah," she started to feel pain again, slow waves rushing through her body, "he's still human."

Renjun wasn't so sure about that, but the drops of desperate sweat appearing on Jaeun's forehead advised him to drop the conversation, and they experienced their first contraction with her.

Jaeun kept quiet, mostly not to scare Jaehwan, but the vision was alarming either way. She kept her eyes closed, hands holding the bars with all her might until her knuckles were all white, and breathing was short as if her lungs couldn't take any longer. 

And it was weird because no one was ready to see Jaeun so gone, so frail with her tired sunken eyes and pale ghostly skin. She looked in pain but still kept her mouth shut and let everything follow its course, coming back minutes later to her sparkly personality.

They stayed like that, Jaemin next to her and talking about whatever went over his head; Renjun kept Jaehwan busy — they played games on his phone and watched horrible catchy children songs on Youtube. Every time there was a contraction, Renjun would get more nervous, unsure of what to do — he knew a lot about children in general, but he had no idea how to help out a woman in labor. And the realization of it just made him visibly uncomfortable.

Jaemin was a natural, though. As much as he was just winging it, his voice was soothing, and he reminded Jaeun to drink water. The chitchat kept her calm, and she gave up one of the bars to hold her brother's hand.

By that time, all of their friends had already been notified. Donghyuck gave up his morning classes and said he would be there in no time; Mark and Jeno hadn't replied since they were having morning practices, so Jisung and Chenle said they would meet up with them and get them to the hospital soon.

Jaeun tried to argue that there was no need for all of that, but none of the boys seemed to hear her. It was silly of her to think they would have gone through all stages of the pregnancy alongside her just to ditch at the end. 

She gave up rather quickly; there was someone else she was far more worried about — the kid on Renjun's lap, who was okay now but would get antsy in a couple more minutes —, Jaehwan needed to leave.

"Jun, come here," Jaeun asked. 

Renjun felt his stomach drop; he didn't know how to handle a birth. If Jaeun asked him to accompany her to the deliveryroom, he was sure he would cry, or maybe faint. Maybe a bit of both. But the boy ordered his body to move, and with feet heavy, he managed to get closer to the woman. 

Jaeun was so strong. There wasn't anyone else in Renjun's life he ever felt such intense admiration for. Not only she had the worst year of her entire life, got through a lousy divorce process, had her only brother shut her out, but she was now about to push another life out of her. And even then, she still smiled, reaching her hand to the boy, reassuring him when she saw how scared he looked. 

"Can you get Jaehwan and take him away from here?" she asked, "I won't calm down if he's not with you."

That was probably not all of the truth; Renjun could sense it. They both knew each other too well by now to get the other out of trouble, and Jaeun was offering him a way out. 

He didn't want to go; Renjun could get this all out of his system and be there for her, but Jaehwan still needed supervision. And the hospital was probably not the best place for a two-year-old to stay.

"Sure," Renjun agreed and looked deep into her eyes, "good luck."

The woman smiled wider; that wasn't exactly a game of luck, but she wouldn't tease him right now. Renjun glanced at Jaemin, who now looked like he might've needed the way out too, "text me if you need anything?"

Jaemin wasn't expecting to be alone there, and he could only hope for the others to get there quickly. Still, he shook his head, a clear sign of yes, afraid his voice would betray the panic going through his mind.

"We'll be fine, now go," Jaeun reassured, only moments before another contraction kicked in. 

Renjun's eyes went from brother to sister, and he didn't feel like _Jaemin_ would be fine, but there was nothing he could do. So with a squeeze to Jaeun's hand and an exchange of gazes with Jaemin, he left. 

And the screaming finally began.

Back at Jaeun's house, Renjun could only keep with the tasks they were doing earlier that month. And that meant he had boxes to fill and some to undo, as he realized with the new development. As he helped Jaehwan with his shoes and scanned the packed living room, Renjun knew he would've to do some cleaning. It was a message from Jaemin that drove him to another awareness.

_Jaeun already packed her baby stuff. Can you take them out?_

Jaeun was never a big planner, and she thought she would've been out of that house when the baby came if all her predictions were correct; they were not. A simple miscalculation led to all her newborn stuff being in boxes, all of them with bad handwriting and vague descriptions of what was inside. 

_On it._ He replied.

The one who came to his rescue was Mark; the boy appeared at Jaeun's front porch with an understanding smile and reliable companionship, and Renjun couldn't be more relieved to see a friendly face.

"Donghyuck sent me," he explained, "I also brought pastries."

Of course Mark would come; of course Donghyuck would make him. Renjun wasn't about to be forgotten while all their friends stormed into the hospital; the minute Donghyuck realized who was missing, he sent his boyfriend to look for his best friend.

Mark, with his kind words and proper ways, was the exact company Renjun would need. And Donghyuck was far more useful at the hospital than Mark would ever be, so they switched routes. Mark came to Renjun and Donghyuck to Jaemin. 

"I'll allow it then," Renjun joked, stepping back to let his friend enter the house. 

The house was filled with cardboard boxes, material belongings, and treasures packed away, waiting for their new home. This baby couldn't come at a worse time, as Jaeun still had to move out, and it would be more challenging with two kids. 

Mark didn't even bat an eye to the mess of boxes; he entered and left the paper bag on the kitchen's counter, stopping by to greet Jaehwan, who watched TV in the living room, too immersed to care about the new man inside his house. 

Mark took off his jacket, cold and wet from the snow outside, and looked at Renjun for an entire second before muttering, "You don't look so well."

Renjun's brows furrowed, copying Mark's expression, "Well," he couldn't even say it back because Mark _knew_ how to look good; even on a bad day he was astonishing, and it drove Donghyuck insane sometimes, "fuck you too."

"That's not what I meant," Mark explained, trying to gather his words, "you look distressed."

That was so childish of him, Renjun thought. To be looking stressed when the very owner of the house he was in was pushing out a baby from their body that very moment, "I'm fine," he looked through the bag of goods Mark had brought, settling for a chocolate croissant, "I'm just worried."

"About Jaeun?" Mark sat on the kitchen's stool, getting his phone out of his pocket, "I can call Donghyuck and have him livetweet everything for us."

Renjun left because that situation was too much; he didn't need anyone reporting what was going on. "And Jaemin," he added, unsure if he should tell what was going on.

Mark left his phone on the counter, perking his posture while grabbing the brown bag filled with pastries. He wasn't much of a sweet-tooth, but he learned from Donghyuck how well people could bond over food, "what's up with him?"

In the middle of Jaeun's kitchen, exposed by the fluorescent lights, Renjun decided against telling Mark the whole story. He knew his friend and was ashamed of his own feelings, but he did shrug, "the hearing is near, and he still has a lot to do; I guess I'm just tense today."

Mark was more perceptive than the others gave him credit for, and living with Donghyuck for over a year now, he learned to pick up Renjun's traits. 

_"His ears get red when he tries to lie,"_ Donghyuck once told Mark when the best friends were fighting over something that only mattered to the two. Mark never got between them, knowing fully well how vicious those two could get, but he did offer emotional support to Donghyuck and, in return, got way too much information about Renjun — things he didn't even need to know.

That particular information was welcomed that day, as he could not only sense but also visually assert that his friend wasn't telling him the truth.

"Hm," Mark pondered, determining whether to let go or try again, "he's got it covered, though."

Maybe Jaemin wasn't talking to Mark that much because that was far from the reality inside Renjun's mind, and that morning only cemented that thought. That, and the feeling that Renjun wasn't really needed in Jaemin's life. 

So all Renjun could gather to respond was, "does he?"

The question came as a surprise to Mark, who could only widen his eyes as the shock passed his mind. 

Mark let out a breathy laugh, "what's up with _you_?" He asked, "you've been on the cheering team since day one."

And that was the problem; Renjun didn't want to be on the cheering team, he wanted to help. He wanted to make a difference, be included in his boyfriend's decisions, and assist him in whatever endeavors he would go after. 

_"He taps his fingers everywhere when he is feeling embarrassed,"_ Donghyuck's voice was loud and clear inside Mark's head. It was almost like he was standing next to him, whispering what to say and do. Maybe they were one of those couples who would become more and more alike throughout the years; perhaps it was already happening. But Mark knew if he even mentioned that to his boyfriend, Donghyuck would just turn around and go back to his dorm for an entire month - the idea of becoming like Mark sounding like death to him.

And Mark realized what was going on the moment the words fell on Renjun; Mark knew him, and what was bothering became evident, "He has it under control," Mark reassured; he knew Jaemin longer and saw the change right before his eyes. If anyone could pull off that type of stunt, it was Jaemin, "and we'll be here to provide support."

"Yeah," Renjun couldn't argue with that, "but what if he doesn't accept that?"

There it was, Mark had arrived at where it hurt, "we can't really force him," he studied his words before saying them, unsure if they were even true, "but Jaemin knows how to reach out when he really needs it."

Renjun could try to take Mark's words to his heart, but his ego was still wounded, and he did not like how Jaemin decided to shut him down instead of trying to talk about it. 

In that stiff cold kitchen, Mark could sense Renjun's uneasiness, so he tried a different approach, "Donghyuck decided to join Jisung's game when we were still in Canada." He told Renjun, "and it was insane the amount of work and meetings he had to go through in the break of dawn because of the different time zones. I had never seen him so tired."

Mark got out another one of the chocolate croissants and played with it in his hand, "and he still made sure to wake up every day early to help out with breakfast; he even got me to do it too." Spending that break over with his family was both chaotic and endearing for them, cementing their friendship and love, "I could've helped him out more, but he didn't want me to. Donghyuck wanted to experience it first because it was important for him to handle it all."

"I know it shouldn't even be compared," Mark added when Renjun kept quiet, "but maybe we should wait a bit longer before trying to solve his problems for him? Donghyuck came to me when he couldn't take it anymore; Jaemin will too."

Renjun hoped for it to be true. And although he knew Donghyuck and Jaemin were far different, Mark had a point there. 

Maybe Donghyuck was wrong, and Renjun didn't actually need Mark there because he was too good with his words in a way Renjun wasn't ready to tackle. Donghyuck was also great, but he was unhinged, and that gave him an advantage when discussing — with Mark, there was no room to argue. He was right, and that was it.

As Renjun didn't have the strength to process what was going inside his head, all he could do was shove another croissant in his mouth, dust off his fingers and get back to looking for the right boxes.

Maybe he could get Mark to do some heavy lifting while at it, and that would be his revenge.

Jaemin was exasperated. The words coming from Jaeun were too vile, and he was glad both Jaehwan and Renjun weren't there to witness it. His nephew because he was still a kid and should be protected from seeing his mother in that state, and Renjun because he would for sure pick up some of those curses and use them himself later. Jaemin didn't have time for both.

Hours had passed since it had all started, and Jaeun still wasn't dilated enough, but she was mean, and Jaemin was the only one allowed in the room when she was like that. A painful disadvantage of being blood-related. 

If anything, Jaemin thought the father should be there to receive all the low blows Jaeun now directed at him for no reason other than her being angry, but she banned Taehwan to the waiting room alongside Jeno and Donghyuck.

Contractions were getting closer and closer in between, and Jaeun's face was all red and sweaty from the pain and force her body was demanding from her. "Jaemin, tell me something."

Now the spotlight was on him, the nurse attending to them also looking in his direction, encouraging the act. He looked over between the women in the room, not sure what to do. "Tell you what?"

That was the wrong answer to Jaeun's demand, and both women sighed heavily, " _Anything_ , you dipshit."

Jaemin rummaged his brain for anything, hands coming to find his sister's while another contraction rushed through her body. The pain Jaemin could feel from Jaeun crushing his fingers was nothing compared to the screams she let out, so he couldn't really complain. Although he was a little desperate from his fingers that started to pulsate and become purple. So he just blurted out what he had been trying to say that entire week, "I asked Renjun out."

Jaeun's screams didn't stop, but she turned her head to face her brother, exasperation now painting her face, "why is that important right _now_?"

Jaemin was more scared of this reaction than any other he had imagined; somehow, a pain riddled Jaeun was far meaner than any other, and she had a way to make everyone else cry on the spot. His useless little brain could only think of discomfort and Renjun, so that was his way out.

"I," Jaemin's eyes were about to pop out of his face, and his head was screaming from the pain Jaeun was inflicting, "I don't know."

"God, you're useless," she snapped, "I already knew, you fucking baby."

Jaemin felt like he was thirteen again, and all Jaeun liked to do was give him awful nicknames, ones she wasn't even afraid to call out in public, making him flustered and annoyed. Her adolescent years came back in full force, and even the nurse started to feel bad for Jaemin.

The contraction passed, and Jaeun could breathe again, resting her back on the bed, eyes closed from exhaustion. 

"You did?" Jaemin stretched his fingers with some difficulty, testing to see if they were okay. He was at a hospital anyway; he could get them checked later. "I told Renjun I wanted to tell you."

Jaeun sighed, eyes still closed either to not look at her brother or to shut the entire world out. Jaemin hoped it was the latter. 

"He never told me anything. You two aren't really that subtle, I'm sorry to shatter your dreams." 

Jaemin should've known. If almost everyone in their group of friends had caught on earlier, of course Jaeun would too; she was far more perceptive than any of them, the only one coming close would be, perhaps, Donghyuck. 

"Oh," Jaemin couldn't think of anything else to say. Jaeun laughed, asking for the cup of ice chips Donghyuck had given her earlier. 

"You do realize it was six in the morning when I called you, and you just showed up here with him, right?"

Jaemin didn't even consider the implications of it, the forefront of his mind busy with Renjun's facial expressions from that morning and Jaeun's shaky voice over the phone. But he could understand now; Jaemin was supposed to be on the other side of town, in his new apartment, when he received that call; instead, not only he got to the hospital quickly, but also brought Renjun with him. Casual clothes and bed hair, clear signs of their nights spent together. 

Jaeun had her thoughts about their relationship, some that mirrored Donghyuck's, others Jeno's, some were only hers, and that was not the time to share them. It was the time to push out an entire human being out of her, and she could feel the prickling taking over again, her vision becoming blurry and head empty from the pain. 

"You're ready," the nurse told them, "let's get you to the delivery room."

"Donghyuck says he is in the waiting room with Taehwan," Mark read from the text his boyfriend sent him, "and Jaeun just went to the delivery room."

Mark had ditched his coat after Renjun made him carry the boxes from the living room back to the nursery. Fortunately, Jaeun wasn't mad enough to not build the baby's crib, but she didn't install many of the things she needed for her child. 

They had no idea where her bassinet was, the baby tub, or even her breast pumps. The only thing easy enough to find was the stroller that was still in the box it came in. Other than that, everything was hectic; the cardboard boxes made no sense, they opened up one that read _baby things_ , and it was just a bunch of old photo albums. 

Renjun was starting to regret being over there, but he figured he would probably be sitting with Donghyuck and Taehwan as well — and he was sure the man hadn't forgiven him for all those punches, or the car. And Renjun wouldn't want to spend his day making small talk and being uncomfortable near a person he didn't like. 

He would much rather stay inside, where it was warm, and go crazy with all the mislabeling happening with those boxes. 

"Oh shit," Renjun sighed, "poor Donghyuck."

Mark laughed; Donghyuck was anything but the one who was meant to be pitied in that situation. The three of them harbored a special hatred for the man, being the ones who caught him and had to witness it all, so Donghyuck would probably be there, making the man uncomfortable, having Jeno, Chenle, and Jisung to back him up.

"I'm sure he's fine," Mark wasn't worried. 

Renjun pondered his words. _Dammit_ , he thought. "You're right."

Maybe it would have been fun to terrorize Taehwan with Donghyuck.

Mark only hummed in agreement.

And they resumed their scavenger hunt for the simple objects that were of the baby's necessities, without much luck. Renjun thought maybe that was Jaeun's last bit of revenge on Jaemin, getting him to unpack in the different rooms and having to move everything from one place to the other. 

Renjun loved Jaeun to bits and pieces, but he knew for sure she would be petty like that and hated how it was causing him so much stress.

"She's actually insane," Renjun muttered when he opened up one box that was labeled books and found there was silverware, "this can't be happening."

Like the reasonable person he was, Mark decided to go through the ones that had nothing to do with babies and finally found a box named plates that had almost everything they'd been looking for. If they were a little smarter, Renjun would've noticed how all the dishes in the house were still unpacked. 

"I think we have to sterilize them," Renjun said as he saw Mark eye all the strange kid paraphernalia. 

"Yeah," Mark was only following, "how do we do that? Pour hot water over it?"

"Yeah," Renjun was also not entirely sure, maybe there were some extra steps when the baby was a newborn, "let me check."

These days, searching the internet for anything kid related was a regular event in his life. 

And the baby came to the world like most babies did, screaming and crying, a defenseless bundle of joy that would keep her family awake most nights if she could. 

Jaeun was tired; she trembled from both the emotion bubbling in her chest and from the labor shakes; the woman looked like she was having a seizure and — with Jaeun's permission — the doctor gave the kid to Jaemin first.

She was so little, so tiny and delicate, with a shrieky voice that pierced through Jaemin's ears. Her face still mushed and eyes shut, Jaehee was nothing but a set of lungs and little fingers. 

The feeling was familiar. While looking at the baby, Jaemin thought about Jaein's school stories and adventures, Jaewon telling him about the universe and whatever alien theory he read that week, Jaehwan dancing to some catchy kid's song he was in love with that month, Jaeun trying out some new recipe and not getting it right and Renjun sitting by his easel, smiling as he noticed Jaemin waking up in the middle of the night. It was the same feeling as when he remembered Jeno teaming up with him in class, when Mark would take them to their local bar to talk shenanigans and get drunk, or when Donghyuck decided to camp inside Jaemin's dorm to help him not fall asleep and study for the test he had the morning after. Or even meeting Chenle and Jisung, getting to hear through them about his friends for the past year, and realizing they were part of his group now.

Jaehee, with her minutes of existing, was also part of his heart. 

"Oh my god," Jaemin was overwhelmed; he didn't know if he should keep his eyes glued to the baby or if he should praise his sister for doing a good job, "she's fucking perfect."

"Language," Jaeun scolded, her voice so tired it didn't even hold any proper authority. 

Jaemin still felt terrible, choosing to scoot over so Jaeun could be in the baby's line of vision. Renjun had once told him newborns couldn't see more than a few inches away, but he hoped the boy was wrong about that, "I'm sorry."

Jaeun was still shaking, but with the help of a nurse, they could do skin-to-skin contact. The bond between mother and child reinforced in the middle of the night, and as much as Jaeun was still tired, the pure joy in her face was also visible.

Jaemin could only think of getting his phone and texting Renjun, fingers working faster than his own mind. He knew the boy would be a pile of nerves, and if he could 

_She's here, Jaeun is fine._

It didn't take even a minute for him to get a reply.

 _Twenty fingers and two ears?_ Renjun wrote.

Jaemin smiled at the question; it was almost three in the morning now, the labor taking way longer than everyone thought it would, and Renjun was still up, waiting for any update he could find. 

_Yeah, she's perfect._ Jaemin reassured.

He left his phone fall back into his pocket, looking over to the baby and his sister getting to finally know each other. Jaeun would argue she already knew her kids, but that moment was precious either way. 

He was still enamored with that little set pair of lungs and what had just happened when Renjun finally replied.

Two words; gratitude and awkwardness lingering on them. _Thank you._

Renjun could finally rest on the little bed he was sharing with Jaehwan, ease rushing through him for getting at least a message back. It was ridiculous, and he knew it, but he was glad to at least get something. With Donghyuck live messaging Mark every time something happened, Renjun had been missing Jaemin even more. 

Finally he could rest. Finally things were okay.

Jaehwan wasn't the friendly big brother everyone could only hope he would be — Renjun and Jaeun had already figured he would act out when Jaehee came to the world, but no one was really expecting him to try and slap his sister. 

And that was precisely what happened; as soon as Renjun and the little boy got back to the hospital a day later, Jaehwan had a fit while seeing the new baby in Jaeun's arms. 

The kid would have probably succeeded if it wasn't for Jaemin coming to intercede him, taking Jaehwan to his arms and talking to him before he could try to cause any harm.

"Hi buddy," Jaemin blocked his field of vision, his frame being enough to stop him from trying to stretch his neck and sneak a peak, "I missed you."

Renjun went straight to his friend and her baby, "oh my god," was the only thing he could think to say, "you did it."

The disbelief in his voice was funny to Jaeun, and she had to send him a dirty look for almost making her laugh while she held her sleeping daughter. 

The baby was tiny and full of wrinkles; she slept soundly in her mother's arms, kept safe from the outside world by everyone inside that room. Finally, the little girl Renjun was so eager to meet came to be; she had barely arrived and already had so much love to receive.

"Good job," Renjun whispered to Jaeun, absorbed by the little human in front of him.

"Do you want to hold her?" 

Wait.

Did he want to? Yes. Should he? Probably not. The baby was so small Renjun would probably crush her without even realizing, and she was sleeping too; how could he dare to disturb her peace?

Jaeun saw the hesitance in his eyes and encouraged him, words soft, "it's okay, go wash your hands."

Renjun had never washed his hands so eagerly like that day, to the point where he thought his skin would fall if he did that every time. And he only stopped when he could feel his skin tingle. The baby was so tiny, so precious, it was only fair that he tried his best not to cause any harm to her. 

"Okay," he entered the room again, hands up in the air, weirded out with how conscious he was of them, "I'm okay."

"Sit on the sofa," Jaeun instructed, "Jaemin, come get her."

Renjun followed the instructions, and Jaemin and Jaeun exchanged the siblings. Jaeun now getting Jaehwan and Jaemin getting Jaehee. There was a brief moment in which Jaehwan was curious about the baby being passed around, and Jaemin let him look, admire his little sister as long as he didn't try to hurt her. 

Renjun was still sitting with his hands up, trying not to touch anything, and uncomfortable with that position. But he said nothing about it and let the scene play out in front of him. There was a bonding happening, a family expanding, and he wasn't going to be the one to break that moment. 

It was only when Jaehwan got sick of the sleeping baby and went back to his mother that Jaemin retreated and got closer to Renjun. The boy was awkward with his hands, still in the air and eyes looking for Jaemin's to understand what to do next. She was so tiny, what was he supposed to do with his hands? His hands were so big next to her body. 

"Get her head first," Jaemin instructed, and Renjun tried his best not to be startled by the soft cotton fabric or the fact that he was about to hold a brand new baby.

Jaemin helped Renjun settle his arms and maintain the position; it felt more uncomfortable than he thought it would, but that might've been because every muscle in his body was tense, trying to accommodate Jaehee the best way possible.

"You can relax," Jaemin spoke softly, for Renjun's ears only. 

But Renjun was long gone. No one but the little baby in his arms mattered, and as he watched the girl yawn and descend into his embrace, everything in the world felt fine. Things got a different perspective; she was so little, with so much yet to discover, and Renjun wanted to be there during all her experiences.

"I will spoil you so much," Renjun promised the sleeping baby, "I'll always have candy in my backpack, don't worry about eating broccoli; you don't have to eat it if you don't like it."

Both Jaemin and Jaeun went from delighted to startled; they weren't expecting Renjun to make such promises. And Jaeun's mom instincts were offended; she looked at Renjun with brows furrowed, forgetting her son for a moment, and Jaemin had to brush off the comment. Slapping the air as if Renjun had just told a joke.

"He won't," Jaemin promised.

"You can't be sure of that," Renjun replied, still looking at the baby, "right, Jaehee? I'll be your favorite uncle."

He probably would, if how Jaehwan felt about Renjun could tell them anything. There wasn't even a place for doubt; neither Jaemin nor any of the others came any close. 

And Jaeun's son demanded his mother to give him attention, so she left Renjun and Jaemin in their own bubble. Jaehwan was still a kid himself, and, as much as he liked Renjun, he missed his mom — there was never a night he spent away from her, which made the experience weird for him.

Back on the little couch in the room, Renjun kept slightly rocking Jaehee in his arms; he wasn't sure if he was doing it right, but she didn't seem to mind, so he kept at it. Jaemin, being already a little more comfortable with a baby that size, stayed closer, ready to take her away if Jaehee ever so made a discomforting noise. 

After a moment of Renjun getting to know the newborn, Jaemin snapped him out of his zone. 

"I'm thinking of staying with Jaeun for a few days," Jaemin whispered to Renjun, "for her to settle in."

It made sense; Renjun didn't need Jaemin to be next to him like Jaeun did right now, and even if Jaemin hadn't reached that decision himself, Renjun would've probably talked to him about it.

"Yeah," he agreed, "that's probably for the best."

Although Renjun didn't mean it like that, Jaemin couldn't help but shake the feeling the boy had a deeper meaning to his words. Renjun looked fine, his words were ordinary, but his eyes weren't all there — the molten affection wasn't directed at Jaemin, and he didn't know how to cope with it.

"Are you okay?" Jaemin asked before he could even stop himself.

"Yeah," Renjun answered at first, only looking at the baby, "not really, but I don't want to do this right now."

His hazy mind from not sleeping that well on Jaehwan's tiny bed connected the dots at last, "I didn't mean it like that," Renjun told him, "you should stay with her because it's the right thing to do."

"We can always have the rest of the month," Jaemin hoped.

"Of course," Renjun knew that was a shot in the dark, but one he was willing to take. 

And before they could talk any further, the door was blasted open by three overly excited roommates; Jeno, Donghyuck, and Mark had arrived to also pay their visits.

"Let me see the baby," Mark, being the only one of the three who wasn't at the hospital yesterday, was quick to take Jaemin's place on the couch and meet the little girl for the first time.

"You have to wash your hands," Jaemin complained — seat stolen and conversation interrupted. 

Jeno and Donghyuck were more interested in chatting with Jaeun; they had their time to meet the child when she was taken to get cleaned, but the mother stayed back, and they were only seeing her now. Jaehwan, being used to all of the mess, was overjoyed with everyone there. 

"You should've seen Taehwan's face," Donghyuck said to Renjun from the other side of the room, "he didn't expect to see me there."

"Where is he, anyway?" Jeno asked, realizing the man who just had his daughter born into the world was missing. 

"Left to eat and change his clothes," Jaemin told them; it had been a couple of hours since the man had said that, and they were starting to realize maybe he wasn't going to be back for a while.

"Or cry," Donghyuck added, "I'm pretty sure he was shaken up after yesterday."

It could be sweet if he was talking about Taehwan seeing his daughter for the first time, but everyone in that room knew Donghyuck was just taking a jab at the man's discomfort. 

No one had any real reason to defend him, so the comment was appreciated by some and ignored by others. Jaehee made a tiny sound, and Mark was so startled he made a sound of his own — a squeal that had everyone stop what they were doing to either laugh at Mark or coo at Jaehee. 

As it turns out, looking for any type of employment when Jaemin was still in college is exceptionally hard. No one cares about a degree that isn't completed yet, and all the other cases require far more hours than he was allowed to give. 

Jaemin was close to giving up and taking some part-time shifts at the convenience store next to his new place; at least it was something, and he would be near home.

"We can still talk to the coach and figure something out," Jeno told him later that week when Jaemin decided to confide the same ideas he had told Renjun earlier. 

Jaemin had thought about it, and it wouldn't be a bad choice if it weren't for the fact that he was now much farther away since he lived on the outskirts of Seoul. He would have to make time for morning practices and breakfast for his children, and Jaemin still hadn't figured out how to be in two places at once, unfortunately. 

So that was out for the meantime, "I can't," he answered.

"Why not?"

"I won't have the time for it," Jaemin explained.

"I mean," Jeno wasn't sure where Jaemin was trying to get at, but if he kept that up, he wouldn't go anywhere, "you know you'll have to give up something, right?"

Cause Jaemin would never have time for it all, that was physically impossible. So he had to yield at some point, and if not, they would go around in circles until there was no choice but to take any shitty job he could find. 

But Jaemin wasn't really looking for a reasonable way out of this mess; he was stressed, hadn't slept like a normal person since that week started, and all he wanted to do was vent. Fuck his father for putting him in that situation; even after the man was long gone, he was still creating troubles in Jaemin's life.

They were sitting on one of the campus' outside tables; Jeno was freezing cold and complained about it, but Jaemin told him it would help him build character. 

There was another reason why Jaemin chose to sit outside instead of going back to the cafeteria like any regular student — Jaemin loved the cold, an understanding he got a few weeks earlier. The cold wind helped him think better; all of his realizations came through it. 

It was cold the first night he decided to get his kids back; it was also chilly when he went to Pohang to talk to his siblings, face his dad, and make things right. And it was freezing when he realized he was in love with Renjun.

Renjun.

They hadn't had much time to talk since Jaehee came around. With Jaeun needing all the help she could get, they were back to handling shifts; Jaemin took the nights, Renjun the afternoons. And they would only pass each other by, not receiving the good mornings and good nights they were used to, but instead getting awkward baby information and lingering touches of hands. 

Jaemin had figured he would be in a time crunch with all the new developments in his life, but he never thought he wouldn't get to even talk to his boyfriend.

Because between Renjun's classes at college, the studio, and his assignments, the time he had meant for them was at night, when Jaemin was supposed to be at his apartment. But with Jaeun being in a house with two children, there was no way they would've let her go through it all alone, so the boys sacrificed their own time to make sure she would get hers.

And with Jaemin job hunting, cleaning dirty diapers, and staying in touch with his lawyers as frequently as he could, all he had of Renjun were brief smiles and comforting words.

The timing was horrible, as he could still feel Renjun's stiffness whenever he even mentioned the idea of talking about them, and he could feel the boy wanting to shy away. But Renjun still stood his ground, as he promised himself he would do, and only agreed to talk _later_. 

And it honestly felt wrong for Jaemin to want to discuss anything when they weren't in bed, surrounded by the comfort of pillows and hearing each other's breaths. They had to, and they would, but first, there were other things to solve.

"What's up?" Mark joined them on the table's bench with his sandwich; he also looked unbothered by the cold.

Jeno was between madmen, and he should've gone with Chenle for lunch when the boy asked him to. Fuck loyalty, Jaemin had none anyway.

"I'm looking for jobs," Jaemin gestured to the number of papers and clippings he had on the table, "and I'm failing at it."

Mark knew a thing or two about Jaemin's situation, and the talk with Renjun made more sense now, "we could use you as an assistant to our coach." 

Jeno was one step ahead, so he replied instead, "I already said that, Jaemin has no time."

Mark took a bite out of his sandwich and looked over the job offers; most of them were minimum wage and awful hours, "and do you have time for any of these?"

He wasn't looking for an answer, as he already had one from Jaemin's silence. It came to him as a no-brainer, but maybe only someone from the outside looking in would see how he was running around in circles, barking at the wrong tree. 

"Maybe you should talk to coach," was the only thing Mark added. 

Jaemin had this close circle of people he called friends, and it had always been that way, but Mark knew better, and Jeno did too. Jaemin had people who cared for him outside his own circle; he just didn't think to look for them — closed away in his own bubble, the boy was always careful of others, particular and cautious.

Jeno looked impressed with how fast Mark could disarm his friends, but it came from years of being in debate clubs and handling the two. And that shouldn't even be a problem in his head; as much as he gave, Jaemin should start taking too.

Renjun decided to take more classes at the studio anyway. Even if they wouldn't be for Jaemin, the studio needed someone to help out with some of the toddler classes. And ever since that morning with Jaemin, Renjun had the strange feeling of being incompetent — something he didn't know how to handle —, and the only way to get out of his own funk would be to take on more jobs. With the Student Association out of the picture, Renjun had more time than ever.

So his days were loaded with kids of all ages and personalities. When he wasn't teaching, he was back at Jaeun's, making sure she had time to eat and sleep, taking care of laundry and Jaehwan's needs. 

Those were the only times he would get to see Jaemin; it was like they were doing a relay race and could only exchange batons before sprinting off again. But he still held those moments dear to his heart. 

"You look tired," Jaemin noticed when Renjun sat down to take his shoes off; his voice was low, too low, scared to wake up everyone in the house. The days when Jaehee and Jaehwan's sleep schedule coincided were few and should be cherished.

Renjun scoffed; Jaemin looked like he could be taken down by a sudden wind, and here he was worried for the boy who could sleep at night, "you look like you're going to die."

If Renjun wasn't getting all the sleep he should be having was another discussion, but the gist was that he _could_ sleep. There wasn't anything holding him back other than his own mind and empty bed.

Jaemin sat down next to him, the act clumsy and brusque, and it startled Renjun with the suddenness. 

"I feel like I'm going to," Jaemin confided, eyes closing to take even a few seconds of stillness. 

Renjun could only watch his boyfriend, keep track of his dark circles — ones that would appear darker by the day —, and his tired voice. Worry clouded his mind, and Renjun proposed something impossible. 

"Can you stay?" He asked, voice as low as Jaemin's.

Jaemin wanted to; he didn't get moments of pure calmness like this, and he deserved them. But staying would mean skipping work, and he had to make a good impression still. 

"I can't."

Renjun knew it too; it was just his heart that didn't like the idea. 

The bad thing about leaving things unfinished was that as more time passed, the words would settle in their hearts, and, as much as something could be an easy fix before, now they were left with bad timing and heavy encounters. 

Were they okay? Was everything normal? Renjun couldn't tell; he didn't even know if he wanted things to be. Maybe it would've been best to drop while they could and not talk about it any further. Maybe they should've never started that conversation in the first place. They were now stuck at this weird crossroad — having to go further and not understanding where.

"Yeah," Renjun agreed, even if he didn't want to.

And Renjun was starting to come to terms that he wouldn't get to have the space he wanted in Jaemin's life. A space that was never promised to him anyway, but he dreamed of it. It was too easy to fall into his own insecurities when Jaemin wasn't around to tell him otherwise, and they were not together by necessity, not choice. 

So every day, Renjun went back to his empty apartment and relived the same scene inside his head.

_It has nothing to do with you._

Was what Jaemin had said. And he was right; it was never a matter for Renjun to butt in; truths were stated, and that hurt. Because if anything, the last week they spent together, Renjun thought they could be heading somewhere, to something more profound, but it was just wishful thinking and — as much as Jaemin liked him — there was a clear line they shouldn't have crossed. 

A line that wouldn't be crossed any longer, which held too many promises they couldn't keep. And Renjun should have protected his heart, as he was the only one who could do so. And he shouldn't have jumped to conclusions and decisions when it, honestly, had nothing to do with him.

So he held Mark's words to heart, hoping he was right, and there would come a day where Jaemin would turn around and remember the others walking behind him. 

Yet, right now, he could only watch as his back got farther away.

The kids were ecstatic to find out they had a new niece to play with once they got to Seoul. They had received all the pictures from Jaemin earlier that week, and Jaewon was concerned about how much the newborn resembled a knee.

"That's not nice," Jaemin reprimanded his brother.

"I didn't say it to her face," Jaewon defended himself. He doesn't remember seeing Jaein that tiny, and he wasn't sure if all babies looked like that.

"I think she's cute," Jaein just liked to put her brother in a bad position.

Talking to the kids without being in Renjun's kitchen felt weird now. The warmth of Jaeun's house, filled with baby clothes and bottles everywhere, didn't do much for him. Jaemin liked the smell of paint and the TV being on a channel that he didn't speak the language; he liked Renjun's eyes following him while he walked around the room, answering all the kids' questions.

He didn't have any of that right now.

Jaein was, once again, trying to create a strong case for why she should get a cat. The little girl had already made all sorts of promises; she pledged to bathe the cat, take care of their necessities, and now she was trying to promise she would be top of her class for the next entire year. 

Renjun would have probably pinched him by now, trying to tell Jaemin that was a good deal. And without Renjun there, it became obvious how much his presence was needed. So that was why Jaemin decided to tell them everything, "I'm taking someone to meet you two next time."

Jaein was getting tired of being ignored, but the idea of meeting someone new sparked her curiosity.

"The guy who will talk to the judge?" Jaewon sounded further away, his voice unclear. He was probably only half listening and mostly doing something else. 

"Well," maybe he should have waited for Renjun to be there; he didn't know how to go around that topic, "actually, I'm bringing two people."

There was rustling on the other side of the line, and Jaemin continued, "one of them is Seungjo, my friend that is coming to testify for us," he didn't feel nervous when he had first started, but now he could feel his hands sweating, "the other is Renjun," a deep breath and long pause followed, "my boyfriend."

It took three seconds for Jaein to burst into giggles and ask more about it. Romantic at heart, Jaein liked to know all about other people's romance and dreamed of her own. So Jaemin told her about him, nothing much because he wanted Renjun himself to be the one to make the proper introductions later.

"He gives art classes here," Jaemin said, hoping Jaewon would remember their conversation weeks ago, "and he had the idea of the chalk paint for your bedroom."

Jaemin had given up a huge card, because ever since the kids heard about having the wall to draw on, they thought Jaemin was the coolest person in the world. Now, he gave that up so he could get Renjun to cause a good impression.

"A boy?" Jaewon asked.

That wasn't something Jaemin thought he would have to go through with the kids. With his grandmother, maybe; with his father, for sure. But Jaewon's voice had hints of oddity, to which Jaemin thought it was funny.

"Yeah," he answered.

Instead of a quick reply, there was a pause, maybe to gather his words, perhaps for Jaewon to understand, "I didn't know boys could date boys."

His voice was shy, and Jaemin's heart was tender. Whatever misconceptions the kids could have weren't theirs; it came as a product of adults dictating the world the youngers lived in. But Jaemin had the power to change that; he could protect them from whatever bigotry the world could throw their way.

Jaemin would do everything in his power so his kids wouldn't ever need to worry about what others thought. 

"They can," Jaemin reassured, "and girls can date girls; you two should love whoever you'd like when the time comes."

Jaein thought that was a good time to tell them she would marry her best friend from school, a girl who loved flowers just as much as her. Jaemin only laughed at that, and while Jaewon kept trying to tell him the girl was annoying, he wished Renjun was there to hear it too.

By the end of the week, Jaeun was telling Jaemin to go home. 

"You're moping around here, and it's getting on my nerves," she told her brother, "I can handle one night by myself."

Jaemin wasn't that sure if she was truly fed up with him or if she was just giving him a gift, a night out. Probably the latter, "Are you sure?"

Jaemin wanted to leave, but the guilt of feeling that way stopped him. He shouldn't be so eager to stay away from his newborn niece, and still, he needed one night of proper sleep. One night away to recollect his thoughts.

Jaeun shooed him away, but not before Jaemin promised to come back tomorrow and repay her kindness by letting her sleep the entire night. That was probably a baseless wish because Jaeun was still breastfeeding, and they hadn't gotten around to use the breast pump yet — Jaehee being hungry all the time. The baby was restless; when she was awake, there was little to appease her that didn't have anything to do with eating. Luckily, she also slept a lot, and that was how Jaemin was, barely, getting by.

He left Jaeun's house at night; it was too late by the time Jaemin had finished checking if his sister had everything she needed, and now his heart was finally at ease. The moon was high up, and his feelings didn't match, but he bathed in the moonlight, taking in the cold breeze outside his car.

He could choose to go back to his place, maybe use part of the next morning to clean it. He had been away for long, and dust was probably coating all his furniture by now. He could, but he didn't want to. 

Instead, Jaemin chose the same familiar route to Renjun's house and raced to the boy.

Renjun was already in bed by the time Jaemin got to the apartment; there was stillness in the air, and Jaemin held his breath not to wake the boy. 

The apartment was a mess like they knew it would be the moment they welcomed a new person to their group. Jaehee came like a downpour and washed away all of their sanity; the dirty dishes by the sink and rumpled clothes on the couch were proof of it. Renjun was probably also back to eating poorly, Jaemin figured. 

Jaemin hadn't been by Renjun's house in days; he hadn't seen the boy properly since that morning before Jaeun called; the hurried greetings did nothing to appease his mind from that day. 

Jaemin was ready to turn around and leave, worried about Renjun's lack of sleep, when the boy shifted in bed. Renjun wasn't sleeping, he heard the door open, and he knew who it was just from the footsteps — quick, decisive, a bit too loud for the hour.

Caught in the act, Jaemin didn't know what to do or why he was there. Would he be mad? Renjun had already told him he wasn't okay; maybe he needed his space to remain his. And Jaemin was infringing on it. 

"Hi," Renjun was the one to break the silence and cut the rambling inside Jaemin's mind. 

They didn't look at each other; Jaemin standing still beside the table, gazing at the window — just a little over where Renjun was —, Renjun keeping his eyes closed. Worried about what was coming, whatever that was.

"Hey," Jaemin's words were soft, the same tender voice Renjun was used to hearing. 

He was able to respond but not move by himself. Or so it seemed. 

Renjun felt his heart sunk, waiting for an answer to a question he didn't ask. One Jaemin wouldn't tell him. 

They were awkward, even more so because they shouldn't have stayed this long apart, the lack of conversation persisting like a thorn between, hurtful and bothersome.

The room was colder than when Renjun went to bed, and the realization made no sense. His apartment was never too cold when Jaemin was there, his presence being enough to light up a fire inside Renjun. 

He took a deep breath before asking him, "aren't you gonna join me?"

Jaemin still didn't move towards the bed, but he looked over to Renjun, the boy with sleepy eyes and messy hair, wearing one of his oversized shirts he liked to lounge around while at home. Renjun was always ethereal to Jaemin, but right now, with the street lights casting a dim light towards his silhouette and adding that Jaemin hadn't seen his boyfriend in a while, all he could do was try not to get mesmerized by the boy's beauty. They had other things to do right now.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Jaemin asked, one knee sinking to the bed, ready to give up if Renjun would just say the word. 

They should; they needed to. But Mark's words were like thunder inside Renjun's head, and he just missed his boyfriend. Deciding against better judgment, Renjun just said, "not right now, I'm tired."

That was fair; Jaemin had woken him up in the middle of the night, and maybe it would be worse to talk right now anyway.

So Jaemin reclaimed his side of the bed; the same soft cushion and soothing smell he knew of were still there. The same fuzzy blanket and sluggish boy. 

Renjun watched as Jaemin settled down comfortably, kicking his jeans away and getting under the covers; Renjun frowned, "aren't you cold?"

"I'm okay," Jaemin reassured, and in a way to prove it, he put his warm hands on Renjun's — the boy's hands being significantly colder. Someday, Jaemin would get Renjun to go see a doctor about that. 

Right now, he wanted to share the news.

"I told the kids about you," Jaemin said, hand looking for Renjun's waist, bringing them closer to each other. Renjun didn't protest, letting their bodies melt into each other like they always did. 

Renjun's eyes were wide open now, staring at Jaemin's collarbone, watching as his chest raised while breathing, "what did they say?"

They had never talked about telling the kids together, and it was probably smart of Jaemin to break the ice first, but Renjun still felt a little sad for not being able to hear their reactions. He missed those moments in his kitchen with Jaemin and the kids.

"I think they're okay with it," Jaemin could only hope; he didn't get much from both of his kids, only giggles from Jaein and silence from Jaewon.

"That's good," Renjun was relieved. Sad he wasn't a part of it, glad to have finally been acknowledged. Bittersweet feelings rushed through his body, and his lazy mind tried to catch up.

The conversation didn't flow easily like they were used to, so Renjun gave up. Unaware of how to make it better, they could just stay put and not get the situation to worsen. Renjun faked a yawn to stop them from going further, and Jaemin didn't try to talk anymore. 

He molded his face on the crook of Jaemin's neck and trembled as the boy started to trail down his spine — fingertips light, ghostly touches that kept him serene. 

It wasn't perfect; it wasn't even okay. But right now, it was all they had, and probably what they would get for the time being. So Renjun decided to enjoy the strangeness; they could wait, they had time. 

In the middle of the night, inside that room, he forced himself to think everything was fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin: I have no time  
> Everyone else: you just got here, sit down
> 
> Hello, how are we feeling?  
> I hope everyone is safe and careful these days, and, hopefully, this chapter helped ease your mind for a few minutes.  
> I KNOW. I'M SORRY, we are not getting confrontational right now, that will be later. Some of yall have already told me you're waiting for it through Twitter and cc and I'll try to deliver, I promise. This is just the start of something bigger :D  
> I have decided to use nanowrimo to finish tthh so if my calculations are right we'll probably finish everything sooner than I expected (that is if I don't have a mental breakdown before, but fingers crossed none of that will happen).  
> Have a safe weekend everyone!
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/toojuns)  
> [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/toojuns)


	19. Winter Colors I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm alive!  
> I'm sorry for leaving for so long, but we get two chapters today :D if you are here early and get to the end of chapter 19 without the button to go to chapter 20, refresh your page as I'm uploading those two back to back. It should be there now!
> 
> [spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4A8yyS6TLlglvsBWyirQd1?si=-uQs6aaZS127QgM5oJaMFw)  
> [pinterest board](https://br.pinterest.com/clariexyz/1-his-tattoos/)  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/toojuns)  
> Songs: Come True by khai dreams and Are You Bored Yet? by Wallows and Clairo

The thermometer hit three degrees warmer, and that's all it took for Renjun's mood to get a little better. They weren't below freezing point anymore, and he didn't have to worry about slipping on the streets or his fingers falling off, so he could handle the weather. 

His attitude towards the cold came from Renjun's sadness over watching nature close itself off, as the trees became bare and feelings scarce. Everything wasn't as open, nothing seemed as exciting, and Renjun didn't like the seasonal blues that came with winter. 

Everyone he met these days came in shades of grey and blue, sometimes brown. Coats that were meant to keep the cold away also brought his mood down. Winter wasn't colorful like every other season; it was introspective, a time to guard himself against the others. 

Color theory was Renjun's specialty. He was fascinated by all the colors the world provided, all the colors he couldn't see, and the idea that anyone could see a different color and they all perhaps just called it the same. No one would ever know if that was true, but he liked to think it was. 

Going into art had a lot to do with the wonder he had with colors. How a touch of a vibrant yellow could illuminate his entire day, how the dark blue of the ocean colored the faded blue in the sky, how red could mean love but also danger. 

That was why he also didn't like winter. Apart from the cold, all colors became muted. And something would die inside Renjun with all of it. Especially now, with the situation with Jaemin.

After the first month of living next to each other, Jaemin and Renjun never had any problem with the silence between them. It was welcomed, Renjun could bask in his own world, and Jaemin could keep within his. They would get out of theirs from time to time, catch up, laugh over something silly, and go back to enjoying each other's presence without it becoming overbearing. 

These days, the same silence Renjun once looked forward to, made him dread their alone times. Silence meant thinking, watching, and Renjun was tired of seeing Jaemin go down further without him, making bad plans without being able to alleviate his side.

Jaeun didn't own anything gray in her home, but everything looked dead inside as soon as he got there. 

The worst part was that Renjun could see the effort Jaemin was putting into them. They tried, said everything they needed to make things okay again, apologized for each other's shortcomings, but there was no change of behavior. Jaemin kept shutting down Renjun's offers, and Renjun just stopped altogether.

They brushed away like it was nothing — it wasn't even that serious in the first place. And tried to get back to the place in their relationship they were that morning before it all went down. 

And sometimes, it was easy to pretend. The silence, however, made it obvious they were still not over it.

So Renjun's worst scenario happened in the afternoon, when he had just left the studio and dropped by Jaeun's house to help out with whatever he could. That day, as if the entire world was plotting against him, he didn't find Jaeun at home or any of his friends who were helping with packing and moving.

Instead, he found Jaemin in the kitchen, shoulders slouching and elbows on the counter, leaning over a book while he ate something from a tupperware. The baby monitor was next to him, making too much noise for Renjun to even consider Jaemin was concentrated.

Jaemin, on the contrary, didn't seem to catch that Renjun was there, that he had any company whatsoever, and his eyes were fixated on the words, trying to understand the bundling mess his classes were demanding him to.

"Hi," Renjun stopped at the door, waiting to get noticed. He tried again, this time louder, once he realized he was ignored, "Jaemin?"

The startled mess of a person Jaemin became was enough to get Renjun worried.

It was tough for Jaemin to walk around aware of his surroundings these days, as he was going through his life on autopilot, hoping he wasn't causing too many problems for people other than himself.

"Oh, shit," Jaemin had his hands on his chest, recovering from a jumpscare Renjun didn't mean to give. 

"Hi."

"Hey," Renjun decided to lean against the door, too conscious of his stance, "my bad."

"No, it's fine," Jaemin was quick to dismiss, "I'm just trying to figure out how to read again."

The air between them was weird — heavy and clouded, as if someone had punched them both in the stomach, and it became hard to talk all of a sudden. That wasn't the first time, and frustration was piling up at Renjun's end.

"How are you?" He asked. 

"I'm," Jaemin gestured around, "here, I guess. I don't really know."

Renjun hummed in agreement; Jaemin did look like he was surviving instead of living — he wasn't going to tell him that though, it seemed too mean when he was transforming twenty-four hours in forty-eight to accommodate everyone else in his life. 

"You should at least take a break and come sleep on a real bed for once," Renjun told him. 

Jaemin, as of now, had a peculiar sleeping arrangement. Although Jaeun was more than happy to get him a new mattress, he assured her it wasn't needed — and got annoyed when she kept talking about it. 

Instead of even taking the thin mattress that didn't even cost a lot, Jaemin was sleeping on the floor of Jaehwan's room — which was convenient since it was easier to take care of him if the little boy needed anything at night — and Jaemin also didn't make much sound leaving the room if he wanted to go check on his niece.

Although Renjun and Jaeun found it weird — both of them being raised sleeping on beds their entire time —, Jaemin didn't mind. In fact, while he was in Pohang, he usually slept on the heated floor with Jaewon and Jaein, and he enjoyed the feel of it now. 

He was sure it would take some time to familiarize the kids with beds, just as he did when he got back. They were going to try nonetheless; Jaemin went through a lot of trouble to get those mattresses for his children.

He stretched and opened up the fridge to get the bottle of water and pour a glass for himself; when he gestured to Renjun to see if he wanted one as well, the boy said no.

Jaemin took a sip of his water and studied the boy leaning on the door; Renjun's eyes were wandering from his hands to the room, never reaching Jaemin completely. He decided to change the topic.

"I guess our month is almost coming to an end," Jaemin was the first one of the two with courage enough to say that. Renjun took routines far more seriously than Jaemin ever did, so he was dreading having to create a new one.

He was never happy with changes — most of them coming from a place of discomfort and Renjun having to bend himself over to fix things. Everything in his life was planned out before; coming to Korea was heavily thought out, working at the art studio and even telling Jaeun about her husband's infidelity — Renjun waited months to be sure. Never wanting to create a new unnecessary feeling.

And that's when it hit him.

Renjun wasn't weirded out by Jaemin's harsh tone that morning; the message was clear and, unfortunately, needed. What he didn't like was losing the sense of security he had created for himself. Renjun projected a future without realizing he hadn't discussed anything with Jaemin about it, and the boy had other arrangements in place.

Security wasn't something any of their peers had, if they were honest. While in their early twenties, everyone was too occupied discovering themselves to ever think about the distant future. 

So it wasn't Jaemin's fault; it never really was. Renjun was just afraid of not being able to help nor guarantee the relationship he was cultivating for months now. 

As he was thinking about it, now that he let his mind go there, it felt stupid. A relationship consists of two people or more, and they can't — and shouldn't — control what the other says or do, so anything with it becomes a gamble. It's a leap of faith, and although Renjun thinks highly of Jaemin, he doesn't do so of himself. Seeking others to feel useful and pretending like his insecurities were never there.

"Jun?"

Wait.

"What?" Renjun blinks, registering what came out of his boyfriend's mouth, "did you just call me _Jun_?"

Renjun looked astounded, and it confused Jaemin. Wasn't that his nickname?

"Maybe?" Jaemin said, "you don't like it?"

"Only Hyuck and Jaehwan call me that," he explains, "it's just weird to hear it and not have those two around."

That didn't help Jaemin in his confusion, but it did take Renjun away from his. Looking at his boyfriend's dark circles, he said, "you don't look so well."

"Hm," Jaemin took a sip of his ice-cold water, "try sleeping less than three hours a day for an entire week, and you'll become just like me."

"Oh," Renjun scrunched his face, "no, thank you."

"We could match."

"Ew," Renjun laughed at the poor attempt at a joke, "that bad, huh?"

"I'm avoiding mirrors like I'm a vampire."

If this entire situation was draining for Renjun, he could only imagine how exhausting it must've been for Jaemin. His crumpled clothing and tired eyes told a story Renjun didn't want to hear, and it pained him how much he couldn't do anything about it.

He could, however, set things aside and try to learn from his own shortcomings, "I'm sorry," Renjun says.

"About what?" 

"That morning," he explained, suddenly feeling like the lights in the kitchen were too exposing, "for pressuring you."

Jaemin stilled, the glass of water close to his mouth, "you said you didn't want to talk about it."

Jaemin meant to sound confident, but his voice got lower, shyer, and the phrase came out more like a question. 

"I know," Renjun smiled, getting shy as well, looking at Jaemin's hands, mouth, cheeks, but never his eyes. His eyes were too much, and he didn't have the strength to face them just yet. 

Jaemin didn't mind. They had weeks of uncomfortable silences and longing smiles; he would take whatever Renjun offered him that wasn't that specific combination. 

"I came off strong too," Jaemin apologizes, "I shouldn't have said that to you."

"Well," Renjun thought about it, "your tone was kinda rude."

For the first time in weeks, Jaemin heard the cheekiness in Renjun's voice again — a mocking tone directed at _him_ , and Jaemin thought it was lovely, "and you were pushy."

"I _am_ pushy," Renjun corrects, closing the gap between them and pulling Jaemin in for a hug. First, because he felt weird talking to his boyfriend when they had an entire kitchen separating them, and second because he wanted to do something with his hands, anything to keep them occupied, "but I promise I'll try not to be."

"Call me out," Jaemin left his glass of water on the counter and wrapped his arms around Renjun's waist, pulling him closer, "when I'm a jerk."

"Oh, don't worry," Renjun buried his face on the crook of Jaemin's neck, taking the heady scent of cologne and baby powder, "I will."

It didn't feel like closure, far from it still, but it was something. There wasn't anything they couldn't talk it out.

The first time Jaemin left Seoul, he was terrified. 

He did it all fast, so there was no time for him to overthink his decisions and change his mind; Jaemin knew himself too well to let his own self-doubt hinder what he had already decided. 

But that didn't mean he wasn't terrified. His fingers would still go numb, and he could hear the white noise ringing in his ears, signs of his anxiety acting up, head bouncing, and checking all the negative possibilities he could face.

He could recognize the exact moment his fear started: the talk with the coach; withdrawing from the swimming team without talking to anyone before. 

A dick move, in hindsight. 

Jaemin didn't think about anyone other than himself at the time and didn't realize how much his absence could affect the team. Sure, they had enough members to fill the matches, but they had a training regimen — one that Jaemin helped build — and they also had teamwork. 

Teamwork that Jaemin decided to destroy and showcase just how wretched their communication was, as he turned around to leave and no one knew anything about it. 

It was so sudden that when the new semester started, the idea of Jaemin became an anecdote to pass around the freshmen, and everyone else had their own theories about what happened to the boy. Being the captain, Mark had it worse than everyone else since they would all flock to him and ask about the best friend who didn't even give him the courtesy of saying goodbye.

Jeno would take it all quietly, being the one who would always stand next to Mark and the one who stepped up when it became too much for his friend. He took up smoking to relieve the stress and started to hang around Jaeun more to keep an eye on her. 

That was also when he first decided to befriend Renjun, the boy becoming a constant in Jaeun's home and, consequently, Jeno's life. With his judgemental eyes, for when he first smelled the smoke on Jeno's shirt, and encouraging words, for when Jeno decided to quit — he would relapse later, but it was a start—, Renjun was the warmth they all craved. 

And Jaemin had been nothing but selfish. He thought about himself first, about what he needed to do to feel whole again. To leave the nagging voice inside his head behind — instead of succeeding, he drowned the voice with new ones to take their place. 

He was scared of the situation he had created for himself, everything becoming more real as time passed, and resources became scarce. He knew nothing about the world and wanted to take it by storm already. 

So when Jaemin finally reached the pool area, chlorine assaulting his nose as soon as he opened the door, he couldn't help but feel helpless. Shame creeping up onto his entire build as he recognized the man sitting by the bleachers, going over something in his notebook. The teammates would usually tease their coach about bringing and keeping it there, an electronic inside the most humid place at their school — it also didn't help how from time to time the machine would give out, and they would have to pay for another one.

Still, the coach didn't give in; he was far more strong-headed than anyone else on the team. 

Jaemin felt his feet drag against the cold marble and hoped his face didn't give in to how bad he felt inside.

That was all a stupid idea. Mark and Jeno knew nothing; they were far too enthralled in their own college lives to understand the severity of his situation. Why did he think it was a good idea to listen to them in the first place? 

The stress was taking a toll on his health. Sore body and throat, and Jaemin wanted to run away. Fear taking the best of him and leaving him dry to fend himself with nothing but empty promises and hopeful stares. 

Jaemin turned around and was ready to walk out when the man manifested himself.

"Na Jaemin," he heard the tall man say, his raspy voice sounding even more intimidating after all those months without hearing it. Jaemin had come to pay his respects to the coach before, but once the man told him not to be a stranger anymore, that was precisely what Jaemin did, "you're late."

His voice was harsh but smile warm. Coach Seo was all sorts of friendly behind his cold exterior, which was why it was hard for Jaemin to be around the man. He was intense, and he cared a lot about his students. Jaemin, with all of his secrets and hurt, couldn't manage to trust the man completely. 

And that was another dick move on his part; coach Seo was nothing but nice to him all the time. 

"I'm nine months late, I suppose," Jaemin answered, getting in on the joke. Youngho didn't laugh, but he did hand him a clipboard and a flash drive.

"We have some new recruits you haven't seen this year," the coach told him, "Jeno asked me to film them so you could get more acquainted with their styles quicker."

Jaemin was astonished.

That didn't seem right.

"Wait," Jaemin couldn't understand, "just like that?"

Youngho stretched himself, not understanding _why_ that would be such a surprise. 

"I would prefer if you joined the team," Youngho confessed, "but I guess I'll take what I'm offered."

It was simple for Jaemin to forget how warm a team could be. Being in a swimming team made them compete individually, which made it easier for Jaemin to compartmentalize and not let anyone get too close. But the truth had always been he woke up with those people, worked out with all of them, shared the weaknesses and strengths while swimming. They were a team, and the coach made sure they all knew that.

So if one of their own needed any help, no one would shy away from that. 

"You're a fucking brat," Youngho said when he looked up and realized he had stupefied Jaemin, "you should've come to me first."

When Jaemin missed the first practice back, when no one had realized yet he was missing, coach Seo was the only message that made him tremble, made him question what he was doing.

 _I'll support you, be safe._ Was the only thing Youngho had texted him that entire day.

Perhaps the only reason he didn't throw his chip in the garbage can after taking it out of his phone was because of that message. Late at night, when he felt helpless and missed his other world, Jaemin would pretend those words were from his dad.

Once he returned to Seoul and decided to pop back in the chip to his cellphone, he was flooded with messages. Jeno, Jaeun, Mark, Donghyuck, everyone growing more and more concerned as the days went by. Some grew threatening, others sad. After a while, the messages stopped. The only one who kept them going was Youngho. 

Not once he asked where the boy was or asked him to come back. His messages were updates; he told Jaemin how they won the trials, how Jeno became captain and asked him to be safe. There wasn't a lot, but enough to make him feel bad about his attitude towards the entire team. 

And it was easier to avoid than it was to confront his own shortcomings. Jaemin was trying to be better, but it was still hard to cope with many things around him. Youngho was definitely one of them; the man presented himself with a level of maturity Jaemin could only dream of reaching, and it scared him away. Especially now that he could remember back his own instances and realize how much damage he'd done, Jaemin was ashamed to even look at his figure.

"I don't know all the details about it," the coach told Jaemin; Jeno had talked to him earlier, thinking it would be better to already have Youngho in on what was going on before Jaemin could reach them, "but our team will always have a place for you."

Jaemin had been running around the entire month. Worried sick about a future he had built himself on shaky grounds, a castle with no foundation. His world was bleak — dark, murky colors hanging around his head every day. 

He ran, hoping if he kept the pace, somehow, his problems would never catch up to him. He didn't have the time to wonder about his physical or emotional health; Jaemin needed to be strong enough for all of his siblings. 

Youngho didn't offer a solution to his problems; he wasn't anyone to make things go away. What he was offering was a place to rest for a few minutes before he could try sprinting again. That, more than anything, broke him as he realized all the other adult men in his life were _decent_. 

Every single one of them but his father. 

And he hated how much he let his father and his indifference change the way he perceived others and life. It wasn't healthy and would bring him down eventually.

He didn't plan to cry, especially not in front of the man he envied, but Jaemin was so _tired_. He didn't get one break since coming back, and the last year was filled with anxiety and uncertainty. 

Jaemin was always so tired, and he didn't give him the time to be. Jaemin pushed through all of his red flags, barreling all the warning signs around him to keep his loved ones safe. 

"Warm-ups are gonna be out in the field today," Youngho screamed when he saw his students entering the pool area. There were long complaints and whines, to which the coach shut them all up and guided everyone to the cold, "shush everyone, we're building character here."

Jaemin tried to gather himself, back to the door and to everyone else.

"Jaemin?" Youngho asked but didn't wait for the answer, "come out whenever you're ready."

Donghyuck, rightfully so, thought it was too much for Renjun to be both Jaehwan _and_ Jaehee's favorite. The boy, however, made it possible. After only a week, he was already managing to change diapers and put the baby girl to sleep like no other. He even surpassed Jaemin — but, to be fair, with his lack of sleep, it was easy enough for anyone to beat Jaemin these days.

Jaehee was a fussy baby. She didn't sleep that much at night, and she didn't take a bottle if the person giving it to her wasn't standing up — to which Donghyuck thought it was ridiculous and tried anyway. After a lot of crying, from both the baby and Donghyuck, he gave up.

That's how Renjun found himself cooing over a sleeping baby on her crib and hearing as Jaeun laughed and Donghyuck nagged.

"You're so fucking obnoxious," Donghyuck whispered, his words were vicious nonetheless, "and you," he directed himself to Jaeun, "should worry about Renjun stealing your kids."

Jaeun laughed, "he's family," she said, "he's allowed."

After Renjun became aware that Jaeun knew he was dating Jaemin, they never really talked about it. She did acknowledge it and said she was happy for him, but thinking about her little brother dating — especially when it was her close friend — was too weird to casually talk about with said friend. She didn't need to know all the details — mostly because when Donghyuck was near, he had a habit of making it sexual.

Renjun turned around and looked at his friends by the nursery door. 

Jaeun and Donghyuck were as dazzling as people could get. Even in the winter, Hyuck was still as warm as sunshine, and Jaeun was enjoyable as a campfire. Maybe that was why Renjun felt so drawn to them; they were made of bright colors and snarky remarks, which were his favorite combination. 

"Disgusting," Donghyuck commented. 

Renjun turned on the white noise machine — although he didn't really think that did anything. Jaeun had read it did, and he wasn't going to argue. 

"Get out," Renjun ordered, "you're gonna wake up the baby."

"You're _gonna wake up the baby,_ " Donghyuck was also built in a way to piss off everyone around him, and he loved that. 

"Let him be," Jaeun warned, leaving the room as she took the baby monitor with her, "he's leaving me for an entire week almost; I have to use him for whatever I can."

The boys followed.

"I can't wait for you to be gone," Donghyuck teased, "so I can claim my spot as the better uncle."

"I'm not leaving forever," Renjun snickered at Donghyuck's childishness, "I won't be gone for even a whole week."

Jaemin had, somehow, managed to convince Renjun to leave earlier than planned to Pohang, only two days earlier. That way, they could take their time to know the city, take the kids out, and Jaemin could squeeze in more meetings with his attorneys. 

Renjun could say he didn't know how Jaemin managed to get him to say yes, but he would be lying. All it took was one moment of weakness and Jaemin whispering, begging in a low voice so the others in the other room couldn't hear, for Renjun to say yes. He didn't even understand what he was saying yes for, but he would do so. 

The funny part was that Jaemin didn't even recognize what he did; he was so sleep deprived that instead of going home with Renjun that day, he chose to go back to his own apartment and do his weekly cleaning. 

That was how Renjun found himself, once again, getting angry at how stupid his boyfriend was. 

Jaeun showed Donghyuck the pictures of the house she was moving into, as they were starting to move the boxes from that home to the other, and they talked about nice decorations that would match the concept she was going for. Out of their group, Donghyuck was probably the one people sought out when talking about style — although Renjun sometimes argued his was better.

And when they got back to the topic of the trip, Jaemin and Jeno came home — both looking sweaty underneath their coats, and there was as much light in Jaemin's eyes as Renjun had seen in a long time.

He still looked tired, which was obvious from his sunken cheeks, but the switch was turned on inside him, and he felt reinvigorated. No one would've guessed that smelling chlorine and hearing people shout would do him so well. 

"Ah," Donghyuck started, as soon as their friend took his jacket, "Lee Jeno, the man you are today."

Jeno laughed it off, and Jaemin thought maybe they ceased their petty fights — which wasn't true, and this was only the calm before the storm. Donghyuck and Jeno worked like that.

"What are you guys talking about?" Jeno asked, sitting on the plastic counter stool when Jaeun gave him a warning look as he tried to sit on her dinner chair — one that had a lovely patterned fabric that was hard to clean up.

"Renjun leaving Jaehwan, me being the best uncle," Donghyuck explained.

"I'm the best uncle," Jaemin intercepted before Jeno could reply, "I'm the _only_ uncle."

"Technically, not true," Jaeun told him.

"Yeah," Renjun added.

"Fuck you for trying to use that card, Jaemin," Donghyuck finished him off. 

Jeno only shrugged; he had more months of experience with the trio to know that he shouldn't ever get between them — not even for his best friend. 

"I'm right."

"You're really not," Renjun said.

They all looked at Jeno, and he felt like the plastic stool would have melted from all the heat in their eyes.

"I'm really just here to move boxes," he chose peace, much to Jaemin's annoyance, "don't look at me like that."

Jeno had a way of not sounding mean but still managing to poke everyone. That was why training with him was both productive and tiring — the team's timing would always get better, but no one would be able to move a muscle the next day. Jaemin saw it happen, and he thought he could use that.

Once he reminded everyone _why_ they were there, it didn't take much to get them to fill Jaemin's car and send him and Jeno to the new place — they were moving everything slowly, and the furniture would go out on the last day, once Jaemin and Renjun were back.

That night, when Renjun was about to leave the woman's house, when Jaemin hadn't arrived back, Jaeun let her insecurities show.

"Oh god," Jaeun said quietly, words meant only for Renjun's ears, "he's really doing this, isn't he?"

She was trying her best but couldn't shake the fact that this was a bad idea. It was probably the only way, but she still had the right to her thoughts; she only kept them a secret from her brother. 

Renjun offered her a smile; sometimes, it was hard for him to grasp it as reality too. 

"I'll keep you updated," Renjun promised.

The thought was sweet but uncalled for. Jaeun didn't need to be anxiety-ridden throughout all of Jaemin's trip to Pohang, and Renjun needed a break from all the stress, as well. Maybe tagging along wouldn't be the best thing for him, but she kept her mouth shut. 

"Don't," she asked, "just take care of him for me."

She didn't have to ask. 

Jaemin wasn't joking when he said Pohang would be cold. Being closer to the beach had its advantages and downfalls; Renjun hadn't seen the sea in ages — but he also saw the winter sea, and those came with prickling salt tears and freezing wind.

It also came with Jaemin strangely in his element. 

While majoring in art, Renjun analyzed the human body and expressions for more than one class. That was one of his favorite things, so he looked for the lessons and professors known to take greater importance to it. 

Ever since Renjun saw Jaemin again, when they first started to interact, he would see the boy slouch sometimes, shoulders and jaw tense, keeping secrets he couldn't even fathom. Jaemin put up a front, but his body gave him away, at least to Renjun. He knew how to read Jaemin too well, and he felt the drive to help him, come over and relax the crease of his eyebrows, kiss his jaw until it opened up for him, let him in. 

Pohang, however, brought another side of Jaemin to him. He was still tense, Renjun could perceive that with how hard he was gripping the steering wheel, but there was also a new aura around him. Relief, reassurance, confidence. Somehow, this Jaemin seemed older.

This Jaemin was the glimpse of the man he wanted to become, the one he strived so hard for. And he was alluring. 

"How do you like it?" Jaemin asked once they reached the hotel they would be staying; they didn't get out of the car, instead choosing to park near the beach and look at the winter sea for a minute. 

The hotel wasn't the one Jaemin usually went to, choosing this time one that was farther away from downtown — as much as he wanted Renjun there, he was also terrified of him meeting his dad. It was one thing to listen to Jaemin rant about the things he'd done; it was another to see the man for himself. 

"It's really cold," even inside the car, Renjun shivered. 

"We can buy some hot-packs at the convenience store later," Jaemin offered and received a grateful smile in return.

Pohang was a lot more hectic than Jaemin made it out to be. As soon as the highway gave in to the city roads, buildings started to form, and a town was discovered. Like Seoul in the winter, Pohang's colors were also muted, and Renjun couldn't help but wonder how pretty it must be in the spring there. 

Although white and grey seemed to be a common factor, the buildings had little spots of bright colors everywhere. Restaurants with vivid red signs, beauty shops packed with bright lights and pink posters, and miscellaneous shops filled with everything someone might need and nothing at all. Some roofs were painted blue, others green, and there were four shops, one close to the other that had snow crab statues as signs. 

There were also docks with boats on both sides of it and people walking around with their fishing prizes. Renjun smiled.

"It's pretty."

Jaemin returned the smile, thinking the view was nothing compared to the boy beside him. 

After a lot of whining on Renjun's part and some convincing from Jaemin's, they got out of the car and checked into their room. 

They went to one of the snow crab restaurants for lunch — because Renjun was curious since he saw the other display — and he swore they could have had their meal only with the side dishes displayed in front of them. It seemed excessive, but he guessed it came with Jaemin's popularity.

That was another problem they faced: everyone seemed to know Jaemin. Even if Jaemin himself wanted some peace and quiet to take his boyfriend to know how he lived the past year, he didn't seem to catch enough of a break to do so. Fishermen came to greet him, the restaurant owner was a neighbor, and they even managed to meet Jaein's last homeroom teacher. 

"I'm glad you're back," the teacher told him, "the kids will be ecstatic."

With every passing greeting, it became obvious how much of a ruckus those months must've been in Jaemin's life. With every relieved smile and heavy sigh, Renjun felt reality sinking into his body, the heavy tingling against the back of his neck. 

Jaemin's hands were curled up in fists whenever he walked away, and he tried to hide by putting them in his pockets. It was no use because Renjun could read the other signs his body gave; lips pressed in a line, solemn expression, strained laugh. This was too much, and too soon.

This week was important, more so than any other in Jaemin's life. So when Jaemin asked Renjun if he wanted to go walk by the beach, maybe even see the hand — a bronze sculpture leaving the winter sea outside of Homigot —, Renjun declined and asked to go back to the hotel. They could do it all later.

"Are you feeling well?" Jaemin asked, hand shooting up to press against Renjun's forehead.

"I'm fine," Renjun assured, but didn't move Jaemin's hand away from him, "I'm just a little tired."

Renjun indeed was fine; it just didn't seem fair to drag Jaemin around when he was clearly overwhelmed and in dire need of sleep. 

So instead of looking around, they went back. Jaemin fell asleep as soon as he got in bed, and Renjun browsed through the tv channels until he got bored.

The idea of meeting the kids felt warm. Probably more because of Jaemin's excitement than anything else. They didn't have time to talk on the phone before as much as Jaein wanted to, but Jaemin did send them a picture — one he had taken of Renjun and Jaehwan inside the blanket fort —, so at least they knew how he was.

Jaein seemed genuinely interested on the occasions they talked about Renjun, but Jaemin couldn't say the same about Jaewon. Every time his little sister would bring their brother's boyfriend to the conversation, he stayed silent. And it was starting to bother Jaemin.

He didn't let it show, neither to the kids nor to Renjun. He could be imagining things, so he kept the spirits high and kissed Renjun's hand when they got into the car to drive towards the house the kids were staying at — hopefully not for longer than that week.

"You're gonna love them," Jaemin smiled, "Jaein is so excited to meet you."

"I am, too," Renjun lied. It wasn't like he didn't want to meet the kids, but it was unnerving to think about it anyway. 

Jaemin caught on nonetheless and gave Renjun a smile, "you'll be," he compromised.

"Yeah."

Jaemin shined so bright, so vivid, that not even the neon signs could compare. He looked astonishing, all sorts of confident and proud. For the first time, someone was going to meet his kids. The first person they would see was Renjun. 

This couldn't be more perfect.

Because if there was one person that mattered, that heard his story and wanted to take an active part in it — be there, with him, as he figured out what parenthood was all about —, that person was Renjun. The boy, with a colorful smile and blazing eyes, dived headfirst without even checking how deep the water was — that was just how much he trusted Jaemin.

So they could make this work, they had to.

Although, they weren't off to a great start when they got out of the car, as the wind hit Renjun's bones, and he felt them petrify. Jaemin had made a call yesterday to the social service workers to notify them that they would take the kids on a walk today, and everything should've been set by the time they got there.

Instead of the siblings, accompanied by one of the workers in the house, a woman was standing by the gate. 

Renjun looked at his surroundings, unsure of what to take in at first. The house looked old, like many buildings in that part of town, but it was big, and he could see toys left around in the garden from the gate gap.

The woman standing in front of Jaemin was almost half his size, but she looked like she could be his grandmother, and she wasn't smiling. Grey hair slicked into a tight bun, and black pantsuit. She was devoid of colors.

"Hello," Jaemin looked nervous, "we're here to visit Na Jaewon and Na Jaein?"

It was a sight to see, the woman a clash of grey, all shades of black and white, and Jaemin, with his bubblegum pink hair and green sweater. 

"Oh, hi," the elderly woman cracked into a sweet smile, "I didn't know who you were, sorry my boy. Na Jaemin, right?"

She must've been new since she didn't know about Jaemin. When both of the boys signalized that she was correct, and Jaemin quickly showed his ID, she told them the bad news, "Jaewon is not feeling well today," she made a sad face, one that looked similar to when Renjun was trying to get Jaehwan to eat another bite of his lunch, when he was trying to distract him, "Jaein is fine, and she would like to go out."

"Is he okay?" Jaemin asked, "we talked on the phone yesterday, and he said he was fine."

"It could be the flu," she explained, "we're keeping track of his temperature, but he seems fine for now."

Jaemin's expression hardened after the new piece of information, and he gave the lady a dry smile when she went inside to call for Jaein. 

"What's wrong?" Renjun asked.

Jaemin just brushed it off with a "later."

When Jaein first appeared in Renjun's line of sight, he saw bright red cheeks from the cold and wavy messy hair from running around. She wore her smile like a badge and screamed, high-pitched when she saw her brother.

The sight was heartwarming, and Jaemin took Jaein in his arms as soon as she was close enough, kissing the top of her head and trying to take the messy hair away from her face.

"I missed you," Jaemin hugged her close, too close, and she gave a strained scream as he held her tight. Jaemin released his grip, and the little girl was all smiles and rosy cheeks. 

"Are we going to the beach today?"

Renjun froze, smile fading, and Jaemin looked at him and back at his sister, unaware of why she thought they would. "No," he said, "it's too cold outside."

"But I'm not feeling it?"

"That's because you've been running around," Jaemin explained, "fifteen minutes sitting down, and you'll become a popsicle."

She didn't seem to believe in that, but Jaein finally caught on that they weren't alone and that this was a discussion meant for three. 

She eyed down Renjun, and he had never felt so judged his entire life.

"Jaein," Jaemin said, holding her, "this is Renjun."

Renjun, who, as much as he had already practiced what to say, forgot everything, decided to bow down to her, taking the most formal route he could've.

When he got back up, he could see Jaemin trying to hold his laughter, and he realized how weird that must've been. Jaein, on the other hand, imitated the movement — making Jaemin stop laughing to hold her correctly —, and she looked both confused and intrigued. They exchanged greetings, and Jaemin asked her about her brother.

"I think he's faking it." Jaein was far too open with everyone, and that came as a problem for Jaewon.

"Why?"

"Because he's drawing and watching youtube," the little girl explained, "he never does that when he's sick, he just stays in bed."

Renjun didn't think that was concrete evidence, and even if Jaewon was sick, he could still do the things Jaein had listed — Renjun did them all the time. Jaemin, on the other hand, thought his sister had something worth investigating.

"Do you mind staying here with Jun?" Jaemin asked his sister, and the nickname didn't fly past Renjun. 

She didn't, so Jaemin put her down, zipped up her coat, and got back up to be eye to eye with Renjun, "I'll go inside just to check on him," he explained, "I'll be back."

What?

_And leave him there?_

Before Renjun could actually answer or Jaemin could register the panic in his eyes, Jaemin was already turning around and marching down to the old house. 

Renjun didn't expect to be left alone with one of the siblings that soon, and he had just exchanged greetings with Jaein when Jaemin decided to go. There should've been some sort of manual, a rule book that stopped any boyfriend around the world from leaving their new kid with their boyfriend that had just met them. 

Somehow, the tiny six-year-old was terrifying. She sounded nice while on the phone, but at that moment, she looked at Renjun with her big eyes filled with curiosity and something else, something Renjun didn't know how to read.

He felt his hands start to sweat and offered a shy smile to the girl, realizing how weird it was to stay put where Jaemin left them when it was this cold. He turned around to open the car door, but it didn't budge; Jaemin had locked the car and left with the keys. 

Jaemin was a marvelous human being, but Renjun wanted to kick him right now.

"Hm," he crouched down to get on the same eye level as Jaein, knowing how well that worked at first with Jaehwan, "do you want to go back inside? So we're not cold?"

He wasn't sure if the position seemed silly to her, but he got a smile back.

"Do you like milk bread?" The little girl asked.

She didn't answer his question, but at least she was smiling at him, so Renjun counted that as a win.

"I do."

"There's a bakery there," she pointed to a shop a couple steps from them, "they have milk bread."

She didn't say she wanted one, but she had pretty much made her point without it, and Renjun respected that.

"Okay," he got up from his position, and his knees should've been too young to hurt, but they did anyway, "hm," he fumbled with his words before he could blurt it out, "do you mind holding my hand so we can cross the street?"

He didn't offer his hand just yet, waiting for the little girl to decide. Not holding her would make things more complicated, but the shop wasn't that far, and he just had to keep an extra eye on her until then.

Jaein didn't take much time to decide. With only the promise of bread milk in her mind, she offered her little hand, and Renjun took it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments make my day, consider making me happy 🥺🥺  
>   
> Reminder to refresh your page, chapter 20 is dropping today too!!  
> My real note is on the other chapter, goodbye for now :D
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	20. Winter Colors II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two in one day, hope everyone is feeling okay!  
> If you saw any type of mistake, no you didn't 💛💛 
> 
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> Songs for this chapter: Pieces by Andrew Belle and I Found You by Hippie Sabotage

Jaemin excused himself and greeted the workers inside the house; it took some time until he could be cleared to go see his brother — as every kid there was under the state's protection, any adult who came to visit had to schedule their hours and leave their documents in the lobby before heading to meet his brother. He had already done all the procedures necessary the first time he was there, but he didn't have clearance to step inside, so he had to do it all again.

When he realized it would take a while, Jaemin remembered his little sister and boyfriend were out in the cold, and Renjun was probably going to kill him when they got back to the hotel. 

He felt his phone buzz.

 _At a bakery down the street, take your time._ Renjun reported.

Jaemin smiled at the text; of course Jaein was going to rope Renjun into doing whatever she wanted. 

"Everything is set," the woman told Jaemin, taking his ID and leaving on the counter, "follow me."

He did. 

There were many kids there, much more than Jaemin thought would be — Pohang wasn't that little, but he for sure didn't expect the house to be full. When he asked about it, the woman told him Pohang was one of the biggest provinces around, so many of the kids from the city's outskirts also came there when the state appointed them. 

Although it was crowded, Jaemin noticed a lot of smiles, and at least that was a good thing. 

Jaemin, without thinking, asked the woman what was on his mind, "do you like the job?"

She stopped in her tracks, glancing over to see if he was serious about the question. She thought about how to answer and finally came down to, "I think this is the kind of job you have to love," the woman replied, "otherwise it gets tough to get out of bed."

That was what Jaemin thought.

They reached the room Jaewon was assigned to, and she knocked before opening. 

Jaewon was sitting on his bed; there was no one else in the room, although several other beds were there. Maybe Jaemin wouldn't have that much problem with adaptation with beds, after all. 

He looked over to his brother, eyes widening as he registered who he was, and he tried to fake a cough on the spot. Too fake, and Jaemin knew his tricks already — he tried that two times before when he hadn't finished his homework in time for school. 

"Hi, buddy," Jaemin greeted and thanked the lady for taking him there. She left, and he closed the door, "can we talk?"

"I'm sick," he said with a strained voice.

"They told me," Jaemin agreed, "I just want to talk, we don't have to leave here."

That sparked Jaewon's interest, as he had always been too curious for his own good. Jaemin approached his bed but decided to sit on the ground, facing his brother and giving him the moral highpoint. 

"Unless you want to go to the hospital," Jaemin added, "I can take you there if you're not feeling well enough."

His baby brother was too obvious, and he fumbled with his words as he tried to think of an excuse. Jaemin waited, as he always did, until he saw Jaewon give up, and go back to his book.

"Are you okay?" He tried, "Is something upsetting you?"

That seemed to hit the nail on the head, but there was too much hidden inside Jaewon's eyes for Jaemin to understand. Sometimes, he wished Renjun could be there with him, as he was sure the boy was more reasonable when dealing with kids. 

"No," Jaewon said, and Jaemin didn't know which question he was referring to.

"So you are mad?"

"No," his brother sighed in annoyance, contradicting himself, "I'm fine, I'm just sick."

"Okay," Jaemin accepted, "Do you mind if we hang out here today?"

That shot a jolt of panic in Jaewon's body, and Jaemin could see the discomfort in him.

"Just you and me," Jaemin read his thoughts. There was something else bothering him, and it was bad. 

"What about Jaein?"

"She's eating bread to her heart's content right now." Jaemin shrugged it off, hoping Renjun could handle his baby sister, "what are you reading?"

Jaewon showed him the cover and started talking. 

Boyfriends were never a good sign.

Jaewon, with his ten years of age, already knew that. He knew all there was to romantic relationships and how they destroyed everything around it. That was what happened with his parents, and his stomach dropped when Jaemin told them the news. 

Jaewon didn't like the _idea_ of a boyfriend. The last one he met was his mother's, right before she left with him and never came back. He lost the only one who cared for him in a matter of months. 

His mother had a plan, though, one that involved her going away and finding a place to stay and then returning to get her kids. At least, that was what his mom had first told him when he woke up to the sound of her voice in the middle of the night. 

With packed bags and a new sloppy haircut, she was saying goodbye. She promised to be back. 

Jaewon waited. 

Two years later, he doesn't think she would come anymore. Doesn't even know if she ever intended. Why would she? There was nothing good waiting for her. 

Jaewon wasn't worth coming back for, but he thought at least Jaein was. His sister was lovely, bright, and everyone laughed when they were around her. Jaewon wanted to keep her that way, wanted to look out for her, protect her smile so maybe when his mother came back to get her, she would take him too. 

Now, Jaewon being ten, he loathed the little boy he was back then. Too hopeful, too naive to understand how the world worked. Ten-year-old Jaewon knew better, and he knew the means he had to do to survive.

Therefore, Jaewon always kept an eye on everything.

Sometimes, when his father collapsed to the ground from drinking too much, Jaewon's grandmother would tell him to put two fingers underneath Youngsoo's nose so he could check if he was breathing still. After a while, he did it without her asking. 

When his mother first left, he would wake up every night and wait for her. Wait to hear her melodic voice again, feel her stroking his hair and telling him he was doing a good job. Wasn't that why he did all this in the first place? His mother asked him to take good care of his little sister, and he wouldn't let her down.

He kept an eye on his grandmother, locking the door and hiding the key so she wouldn't wander around and get lost. He took care of most of their meals — which led them to malnutrition. Luckily, they still had lunch at school most days, so at least one of their meals was balanced. He didn't cry when he fell and used all his allowance — money he got in the Chinese new year from their neighbors — to buy medicine for when Jaein's stomach hurt. 

He couldn't pinpoint where things started to go wrong, but not having his mother there seemed especially hard. 

Then, one day, Youngsoo decided to take a job in which he would be out in the sea for months, and everything changed.

Jaewon was used to fighting for himself until Jaemin appeared. An older brother he didn't know he had and didn't think he needed. But Jaemin appeared, and with his insistent smile and clever tricks, Jaewon somehow saw himself trusting him.

He started to look forward to going home again. Jaewon finally had someone to talk to that wouldn't forget who he was and would cook him proper meals. 

Jaemin was the parent Jaewon saw on TV and heard his classmates talk. Someone kind, who cared for him, and was genuinely happy to be around him. 

He wasn't sure he had ever felt that. Jaemin was, pretty much, the one person he had who seemed like wanted him back just as much as Jaewon wanted him. 

They laughed together, Jaemin helped him with homework, and they even planted new flowers in their dying garden. Jaemin brought life back to their home, and Jaewon needed it, desperately, to stay like that. 

When Youngsoo came back, things somehow got worse. Why was his dad trying to push Jaemin away? He was a part of their family; Jaemin was his big brother. Why couldn't they get along? 

He was too drunk, and Jaewon saw himself with two fingers under Youngsoo's nose again, checking if he was alive when the man passed out. Jaemin looked at the scene, horrified by Jaewon's tranquility.

After the first night back, Jaemin started to sleep in between the kids. Jaewon didn't ask why, and Jaein was ecstatic; that way, she could ask him for more bedtime stories. 

Jaewon found himself waking up at night again, after almost a year not doing so. He woke up and would always catch Jaemin awake too, sitting by their blankets and eyes fixed on the door. When Jaemin would see Jaewon staring, he would promptly smile at his baby brother — mechanic smiles that didn't feel like Jaemin. And they would lie awake for a while until Jaewon felt drowsy and safe enough to rest again.

Having to develop observational skills since young, Jaewon could pick up things in Jaemin's stance that weren't there before. 

Jaemin left them and promised to be back. Jaewon didn't trust him, but he did. Jaemin came back, he apologized, and guided Jaewon through his own turbulences. No more fending for himself alone, no more worrying about his home, no more being ashamed of his family's situation. 

He didn't want to go back to those days, and he didn't need new additions. 

Boyfriends were never a good sign; his mother's was the start of his ruin. He couldn't lose Jaemin too. 

Jaemin was all he had.

Jaein was the sweetest little creature Renjun had ever seen. 

He didn't know how to describe her better than that, and he also had no clue how she managed to rope him into buying her that much pastry, but right now, they had a tray filled with all kinds of sweets, and she was only interested in eating the bread milk. 

Renjun wasn't sure if she got the annoying streak from her brother or Jaemin learned from her, but they had the same exact disarming smile, and he couldn't even be angry at the wasted money — they could eat them later, it was okay. That was what he told himself. 

The bakery had an open concept, and the counters had all sorts of pretty pastries. As Renjun didn't set any ground rules and the place was self-serve, he only realized Jaein had filled her tray when they were already weighing it all. And in his defense, she looked too happy with her purchase.

Jaein, on a whim, put on her tray everything she found pretty. Which meant she also had picked up a strawberry tart, and, just as Jaemin, she hated strawberries. 

But aesthetics were essential, and her tray wouldn't be as pretty if she didn't have the red of the strawberries there. 

Renjun, on the other hand, asked for a hot coffee — that he was now regretting with how bitter it was — and got himself some twisted doughnuts. He felt as if everything he did was under the intense scrutiny of a six-year-old, as Jaein watched him pay for their food and helped her take her tray to one of the tables there.

They didn't talk much, other than Renjun giving her instructions and Jaein saying her 'pleases' and 'thank yous'. It was awkward, and the heat of Renjun's body was amping it up with how nervous he was becoming. He tried the coffee again and burnt his tongue in the process. 

That didn't look like a good sign. 

Realizing Jaemin could look for them at any time, Renjun sent a message to let him know where they were. He also hoped he wouldn't take much longer.

 _Thank you. I'll be here for a little while, can you handle her alone?_ Jaemin texted back.

Absolutely not.

 _Of course (:_

Renjun should get boyfriend of the year for putting up with everything Jaemin threw his way, but they could resolve that issue later. At that moment, he had a little girl staring at him, and they hadn't talked for longer than he could deem comfortable.

It wasn't like Renjun didn't know what Jaein liked, her hobbies, or her entire schedule. Not only had he heard her talk multiple times on the phone, but also Jaemin wouldn't shut up about them — and Renjun never wanted him to. They spent a lot of their time talking about past experiences, and those came with sibling wrapped stories. 

But the thing was, _Jaein_ didn't know him. To her, he was a stranger, someone her brother cared about but had nothing to do with her. Using previous knowledge taken from times she didn't know about seemed disingenuous, so Renjun kept his mouth shut. The problem was that she also kept hers filled with bread, so now they were sitting in silence, and Renjun had had his fair share of awkward silences that month with her brother already. 

Once Jaein was starting to look full, even if she hadn't eaten half of the things on her tray yet, she decided it was time to talk, "I like your sweater."

Renjun, a great defender of warm colors even in the winter, was wearing his yellow sweater, now even more visible as he took off his coat. 

"Thank you," he smiled, "I like your hair bow."

Jaein was wearing a little orange bow that was meant to pin her bangs up — it didn't, some of the strands were already falling, and she kept brushing it off her eyes while taking a sip of her hot cocoa.

"Do you want me to-" Renjun got up, reaching to help her out and doing so when Jaein understood what his intentions were. He freed her bangs from the pin, twisted them again, and locked them in place with the bow, "there you go."

She smiled at him, and her teeth were smeared with chocolate. Renjun hoped Jaemin wouldn't get there soon anymore, being sure his boyfriend would kill him if he saw the amount of sweets he let Jaein consume. That was probably going to become a problem in the future. 

Renjun knew how to be strict with Jaehwan but didn't have the same authority with the little girl, and that was why she was going to have a sugar rush in two hours.

"Hm," she hummed, unsure.

"Renjun," he answered, assuming she forgot his name. 

Jaein knew who he was; she had been pestering Jaemin all month to learn more about him. The little girl with big round eyes and playful smile asked him, "do you like cats?"

They had laughed about that before; Jaemin warned Renjun that she could try to get him on her side with the cat debacle. The thing Jaein didn't understand just yet was that the one she had to convince was Jaewon; if they both wanted it, Renjun was sure Jaemin would've adopted one on the spot.

"I do," he answered truthfully; the greatest sadness of his time in Korea was finding out his place didn't allow any pets. 

"Can you talk to my brother for me?" She batted her eyelashes, really dramatically, and Renjun saw Jaeun in her little sister's eyes. The clash of personalities was going to be great, and he couldn't wait to see it. 

"About what?" He feigned ignorance. 

"Getting a cat for my house," she replied, voice slightly lower as if it was a secret. 

Renjun looked at the little girl in front of him. Her eyes glistened with hope, and Renjun would've fallen for it if he didn't already know she was recruiting a little army of her own to get her brothers to adopt a cat. Jaeun was already pretty much sold, and Renjun had tried to argue with Jaemin before.

"I don't know if this is a conversation we should be having over just some twisted doughnuts," Renjun played it off.

Jaein didn't understand the joke, but she pushed her tray in his direction, "you can have my strawberry pie." 

She glanced at the tart, and Renjun realized he wasn't the one who was screwed in this situation. Jaemin was going to have to live with her, and Jaein was brilliant. Two more years, and they would be losing arguments to her; Renjun was sure of it. 

Renjun's phone buzzed in his pocket, and he took it out to find another message from Jaemin.

_How are things going?_

Renjun smiled.

_We're fine._

Getting through Jaewon was tricky, but fortunately, Jaemin had some experience with it. He didn't press his brother much — he knew that would only make him run away further from him; instead, he sat down and talked to him. 

"Are you worried about this week?" Jaemin asked.

He could see Jaewon's shoulders tense up, but he didn't answer. The little boy was sitting on his bed, unsure if he should ignore the question or lie. 

"I am," Jaemin confessed, hoping his own vulnerability would spark something in Jaewon. 

"You are?"

His eyes became round, spooked as Jaemin's words sunk in his brain. That was the wrong thing to say, and Jaemin only realized too late. Maybe his past experiences weren't all that great. 

"I'm worried they won't like my hair," he joked, trying to defuse the bomb he armed himself, "I don't think the lady here liked it."

At least that was true; he saw her bothered expression when Jaemin came around. 

"Jaein likes it," Jaewon told him. 

That was all that mattered, really. They knew why Jaemin decided to change hair colors and were both grateful for him succeeding with his plan. If he wanted to change it now, he was more than open to doing so. 

"You don't?"

Jaewon considered how to tell him his mind, leaving his book on the bed, "I like the color," he explained, "but your hair sometimes gets spikey, and it hurts me."

Jaemin chuckled at the confession, and Jaewon smiled at his brother — happy to have made him laugh. 

"I'm sorry," Jaemin said.

In a situation never seen before, his little brother got out of his bed and sat down next to him, resting his head against Jaemin's arm. Jaemin kept quiet — startled at the movement, Jaewon was never one to be physically affectionate. 

"Are you sick?" 

Maybe he wasn't faking it; maybe Jaewon _was_ feeling unwell. He looked tired, worried even, and Jaemin's protective instincts flared up. He put his hand on the boy's forehead, but it was cool, and Jaewon made a displeased sound because of it — and that felt a lot more like his little brother.

So Jaemin let his hand fall on his lap and decided to plant a kiss on Jaewon's crown, even if it meant receiving another grunt in response. 

It took him a few minutes before Jaewon could let the words come out of his mouth, playing with them in his head first, trying to take out their power. 

"I'm scared."

Fear was his most hated sentiment, and he never stopped feeling it. 

"I'm here, though," Jaemin promised, "you're safe."

Renjun didn't get to meet Jaewon that day, but he had a lovely day with Jaein. By the end of their two-hour schedule, she had already told him all of her classroom's gossip, and Renjun had promised she would get a spot in his art classes next year, when she reached the appropriate age for his teaching. 

Jaemin met them by the gate and escorted Jaein back to the door; when Renjun asked about Jaewon, Jaemin felt the kid's problems were too personal to tell him just yet. 

"He really was sick," he lied.

They went back to the hotel for the day, both emotionally exhausted. There was only one day left until the hearing, which was enough to get emotions running high. Jaemin still wanted to see his grandmother, check in with the lawyers and try to talk to Jaewon one more time before it all. 

Renjun circled patterns on the back of Jaemin's hand, and somewhere between Jaemin making calls and checking his documents for the hundredth time, Renjun fell asleep beside him in bed. 

Later that day, Jaemin wasn't in the room when Renjun woke up; he didn't even realize he fell asleep, but with the boring tv shows, his eyes closed and didn't open again. Renjun snuck a peek towards the bathroom, the door was open, and Jaemin was nowhere to be seen still. 

He groaned, looking for his phone, anything that could link him to where his boyfriend was. 

It wasn't needed; Jaemin opened the door soon enough, and the smell of baked goods filled the room almost instantly, as if Jaemin was wearing it as cologne. 

"Oh my god," Renjun admitted, voice hoarse from sleep, "I'm starving."

"Good, eat," Jaemin gave him a brief kiss, giving the bag of treats to Renjun.

"Why didn't you wake me up?"

Jaemin shrugged, "we have a long day tomorrow; we should be getting all the rest we can."

The realization that not only tomorrow Renjun would finally get to meet both kids, but that also that week would be the courting rule made his stomach drop. He wasn't ready for it.

"I also need your help with something."

Renjun, while stuffing his face with bread, looked at the other bag his boyfriend was carrying. Jaemin had taken his parka with him, and the bag looked wet, so that couldn't be a good sign. 

With a sigh, Renjun asked, "it's snowing, isn't it?"

Jaemin pretended not to hear him, and Renjun got his answer there. Instead, Jaemin showed him the little box, "I need your help."

He took it from Jaemin and inspected it closer, rubbing his eyes to make sure they could focus on the words and make sure he wasn't hallucinating. 

Renjun knew a thing or two about boxed dye; he was used to helping Donghyuck when his friend had all the colors of the rainbow on his hair — but that was two years ago, and ever since Donghyuck's hair started breaking, they decided to leave the job to professionals.

Still, Renjun looked it over. He didn't know that brand, but everything usually looked the same, and he was tempted to agree with the madness until he saw the color, "absolutely not."

Jaemin's face fell; he was counting on having an extra pair of hands to help him while dying his hair, "what?" He asked, "why not?"

"That's going to kill your hair!" Renjun exclaimed. He would be going from one extreme to the other, and that couldn't be healthy.

"Oh my," Jaemin laughed, suddenly feeling powerful to know something his boyfriend didn't, "that doesn't even require bleach, we're just gonna deposit dye on my hair, it isn't really stripping away anything."

That made Renjun stop in his tracks, all his arguments crashing down. Jaemin saw then he had won. 

"There's no bleach?"

"Trust me," Jaemin put his hand on Renjun's shoulder, "my grandma ran a beauty salon."

Renjun shook his hand off, still not trusting his boyfriend completely. He ate the last piece of twisted doughnut in the little brown bag and ignored Jaemin as he took his phone and looked for the answers. 

After thirty minutes and a slightly offended Jaemin later, Renjun emerged from the research he was doing on his phone to tell Jaemin he was right. 

"If you want to change it back after," Renjun warned, "it's gonna be hard."

Jaemin didn't intend to go back to pink, that time of his life was over, and Renjun got sad over it. 

"Did you bring something old?" Renjun asked while Jaemin set up everything they needed on the bathroom sink, "an old shirt we can ruin?"

Jaemin's head almost snapped with how fast he looked at Renjun.

"You want to _ruin_ my clothing?"

"We can't be sure dye won't fall on it," Renjun warned, "I'd rather ruin a bad shirt."

"Shouldn't I put on a nice shirt then," Jaemin asked, "so we are extra careful?"

"No," Renjun's authoritative voice was out, and Jaemin couldn't help but smile, "your logic makes no sense."

Still, Jaemin changed to a shirt he used for sleeping and stripped down to his boxer-briefs. Renjun was cold just by looking at him and was amazed at how much resistance his body had. 

Renjun read the instructions as Jaemin took the bottle and opened it up — being used to winging things as they went. 

"Could you wait?" Renjun asked, annoyed as that was the first time he was doing this in years, and he didn't want his boyfriend to end up with patchy hair.

"This looks easier than how my grandma did it," Jaemin explained, showing Renjun both bottles, "it says one and two here. I'm pretty sure we have to mix them."

As much as Renjun wanted to argue, the instructions pretty much said the same thing. So instead of letting Jaemin gloat, he put him sitting on the toilet and prepared the mixture. Both white-colored creams quickly darkened, and Renjun sighed from the cruelty they were about to do. He leaned up against the bathroom counter and looked over at Jaemin.

"Why now?" 

"The hearing is close," he said, "you saw how the lady looked at me today. I don't want to cause a bad impression."

Renjun was pretty sure all he needed to do was smile to cause a good impression. It was pretty much all Jaemin had to do to get Renjun on his knees most of the time. He wouldn't tell him that though, it was too much power for one boy to have.

Instead, he agreed, "I guess you're right," Renjun could understand where he was coming from, even if he didn't enjoy it, "I'll miss your pink hair."

Jaemin had the brilliant idea of changing it back to brown; although, when he got to the shop, all the browns were too light, and the only thing dark enough for his liking was the black — naturally, that was what Jaemin went with.

They were now at a hotel bathroom waiting for the time to pass and the mixture to surge its effect. Renjun was leaning on the counter, looking over to his boyfriend.

"How did it go with Jaewon?"

Jaemin stilled. He should've known Renjun would read between the lines; he had always done that. He didn't try to chime in unless he thought it bothered Jaemin, and by the way his shoulders were tense, a lot was troubling him.

"I don't know," Jaemin answered, running his fingers through his baby pink hair for one last time, "he seems scared."

There was pain in his voice, helplessness as he could only watch his brother descend into a spiral of his own thoughts. Jaemin did that too, but he was in his twenties. Jaewon was ten; he shouldn't be worrying about anything other than scraping his knees. 

"About what?"

What was Jaewon scared for? Jaemin didn't know exactly; maybe the kid was just used to the feeling and held onto it like a lifeline. Being scared made him vigilant; pretending to be tough kept others away, and Jaewon lived life like that. 

If Jaemin was terrified of the future, he couldn't even grasp how the kids felt. Being so little and being passed around, treated like disposable, it was easy to be scared, to think you didn't have control. The more Jaemin learned about the siblings, the more he could understand Jaewon. 

"Change," Jaemin said, "I guess."

That feeling Renjun could understand. 

They didn't stay on that topic for long; Renjun could see it wasn't helping Jaemin out, so he put on the plastic gloves that came with the box and checked to see if the color was ready.

"Are you sure about this?" He asked one last time before approaching his boyfriend.

Jaemin was ready, and he figured it was better to have at least one day to let his scalp rest and try to get any stain out of his skin — lord forbid he went to court with stained ears. He gave the signal, and Renjun started to splay around his head.

"My grandma did this with a paintbrush," Jaemin said, side-eyeing Renjun's technique — or lack thereof. At least he didn't let anything spill yet.

Although Jaemin could feel dye brushing on his ear.

"Then maybe you should have bought a paintbrush," Renjun pointed out, "I'm working with what I have."

Jaemin smiled; that was fair. 

The action was intimate, as Renjun stood in front of him, massaging his scalp and making sure every inch of his hair was taken care of. Jaemin didn't dare look up, as much as he wanted to see Renjun's intense face, so he put his hands on Renjun's hips and let him do his job. 

"Stop that," Renjun warned when Jaemin's hands became too bored and slipped under Renjun's shirt, caressing his skin, creeping up to his ribs before Renjun told him to halt. 

"What?"

"You know what," Renjun chuckled, giving him a nudge, "I'm trying to work here."

His hair wasn't long, so it didn't take much to cover his entire head, and once he looked in the mirror, he could see that Renjun tried his best not to let the dye brush against his forehead or anything too visible — the back of his neck was a mess, though. 

"You missed a spot here," Jaemin told him, pointing out the tiniest spot, and that could've been the lighting and not actual human error.

Still, Renjun put more on the place. 

"We still have half of it left," Renjun said, shaking the bottle. 

Jaemin's eyes lit up, "let's do yours."

"What?" Renjun scrunched up his face at the idea, "no."

"Oh, come on," Jaemin tried, "we could be one of those weird couples that disappear for a week and come back with the weirdest tan line and matching hair."

Renjun laughed at the vivid memory that brought him, "are you talking about-"

"Mark and Donghyuck?" He asked, "yes."

It happened years ago when they weren't officially together yet — everyone knew at that point, but Donghyuck and Mark were adamantly saying they wouldn't date or even wanted to. Still, Donghyuck one day told Renjun he was going to visit his parents and came back with a new hair color, skin two shades darker — it didn't even look natural, and Renjun was sure he went spray tanning —, and he looked flustered whenever Renjun mentioned anything about it. 

It wasn't until Renjun caught sight of Mark on the campus, sporting a look similar to Hyuck's, that he understood what was going on. That Christmas, when he didn't go home and spent it with Hyuck's family, he made sure to ask Donghyuck's mother about that particular date and laughed at his best friend's red ears later.

"Oh my god," Renjun remembered, horrified with the number of times they tried to convince their friends they were _not_ a thing, "Hyuck was impossible."

"Mark wasn't that much better," Jaemin said, "he once tried to tell us he didn't _know_ who Donghyuck was, we were in the same class. I had already caught them in bed before."

"Oh no," Renjun laughed, "I apologize for my friend."

"I apologize for mine." He was sure Mark had done his fair share of traumatizing Renjun too.

Time passed quickly as they laughed over stories they had in common, even while they didn't know each other. Mark and Donghyuck serving as a bridge for that.

"It's time," Renjun announced when he felt his phone buzz and smiled at Jaemin's spooked eyes. It was too late now, and that had initially been Jaemin's idea. 

"What do I do?"

"I think it's easier to take a shower now," Renjun touched the hair; the dye was dry in some places, but all in all, it was still wet. 

Jaemin agreed, but before he could make a move, he remembered, "how do I take this off?" 

He pointed to his shirt. His head was filled with the product, and he would taint his favorite sleeping shirt like that. It wouldn't have bothered him before, but now he slept with Renjun most nights, and he wanted to look nice for him.

If he told Renjun that, his boyfriend would have laughed right in his face. Renjun slept with shirts stained with acrylics and oil paint all the time; every time one of the shirts he used had a spot, it was immediately put in the pajama drawer — and Renjun's favorites were there.

Seeing Jaemin's distress, Renjun helped him out of the shirt, making sure the hole to pass his head was big enough to never touch anything. Once they manage to not make a bigger mess, Jaemin smiled, leaving the shirt on the sink. As soon as he tossed it, he saw the big blob of black paint on the back of the shirt, near the neck. 

"Renjun!"

"Oh, shut up," Renjun threw the box in the garbage, "go take your bath."

The hotel's hairdryer didn't do much, and Renjun decided to just leave his hair to dry out naturally. The wet strands prickled his ears, sending shivers down his spine, too cold to function properly, so he wrapped his towel on his neck to avoid water running down his skin. 

Unfortunately, the room was colder than the bathroom and the sight of Jaemin, only in his boxers and t-shirt, made him cold by proxy. 

That same sight gave him a shock — Renjun forgot to think while the hot water burned through his skin, washing away all the tension from the day — and only now he realized his boyfriend didn't have the washed pink hair he knew him for, Jaemin's hair was dark, still a little wet from taking a shower earlier, and he was sitting on the bed reviewing all the documentation for tomorrow's meeting.

Renjun didn't know this Jaemin; he was too similar to the boy Jaemin used to be before. Dark hair reminded of swimming matches, confident smiles, and golden prizes. Renjun sat on the bleachers with Donghyuck, cheering for Mark when it was his turn, but stealing glances at Jaemin — it was hard not to when the boy cruised around the swimming pool, eyes focused on his teammates and ready to give them tips. 

This Jaemin looked a lot like the guy he was over a year ago and, at the same time, not at all. The furrow on his brows was new, something he didn't try to hide from people anymore, and the slouched position would give him an earful if he was still swimming. This Jaemin looked older; there was a stillness in his stance and fire in his eyes derived from having a purpose, and Jaemin, more than anyone else Renjun knew, had a mission to fulfill. 

So the person sitting on the bed, back to the headboard and legs sprawled along the mattress, was both someone Renjun knew nothing of and the boyfriend he could recognize by the sound of his steps. Jaemin was the culmination of all the events in his life; everything would have led him to this moment, to Renjun and to his kids, to have him there, making plans and hoping for a positive outcome.

"Stop reading," Renjun nagged; the lights were already out, and Jaemin was relying on the faint glow from the bedside lamp, "you're gonna get a headache."

Jaemin didn't perceive the comment and kept working on memorizing what he already had on the tip of his tongue. He knew everything about his case and more; he knew of other similar cases too. If his mind let him, Jaemin would've realized he was prepared already and had been for the last few weeks. 

But that would depend on his mind not second doubting the person he was today, which was a lost cause. 

Realizing he would be ignored, Renjun sat beside Jaemin on the bed, careful not to crumple all the copies of court documents Jaemin decided to scatter around. He took his time drying his hair on the towel, eyes never leaving Jaemin and his messy side of the bed. 

The TV was on, a movie Renjun had never seen was playing without anyone to watch, filling the silence with random conversation. Renjun was ready to tell on Jaemin for turning the TV on if he wasn't going to pay attention — just because they weren't home it didn't mean they should forget their manners —, but then he _heard_ the movie and understood why Jaemin had done so. 

It wasn't the same channel he was used to, but the movie was definitely in Chinese and _without_ subtitles. Jaemin had found a random channel in Pohang that gave them a sense of normalcy, that transported them back to Seoul inside Renjun's apartment. For all the times Jaemin arrived at Renjun's to find the boy painting while a movie was playing in the background. Always in Chinese. A part of Renjun's being that he didn't like to admit he missed. 

Jaemin knew how routines were important for Renjun, and the only thing he could do was try to incorporate pieces of it while they were there. 

The realization dawned on Renjun like the scalding water from the shower, only now the warmth came from within. It came from the twist in Renjun's stomach and pounding in his head, hot waves jolting his insides with just how much Jaemin was aware, how much he cared.

It shouldn't come as such a shock Jaemin remembering Renjun's antics; the boy had always been detail-oriented. He made sure to buy Renjun's favorite brand of coffee every time and could pinpoint his boyfriend's discomfort from the way Renjun stood in the room. There wasn't much Renjun could hide from Jaemin by now, and not much he wanted to.

Maybe he stared for too long — stuck in the same position, one hand with the towel on his head, movements were long forgotten —, and that snapped Jaemin out of his trance, because the next thing he knew, Jaemin was looking over at him, the pen on his hand close to his lips and questioning eyes.

"What's wrong?" There was a flash of fear across his face, the frightening thought that maybe Renjun had seen something wrong in the documents taking over his mind. 

But just as Jaemin knew Renjun, the same could be said for Renjun. 

"Nothing," Renjun was quick to tell him, a hand resting on Jaemin's thighs, easing him back to the present, "you look pretty."

Jaemin sighed, looking away from Renjun, as he let his shoulders slouch and a smile creep in his face. 

"Don't scare me like that," he pleaded.

"I didn't do anything, though," Renjun made his defense, "you can't really blame me if you freaked out because I zoned out."

Jaemin looked up again; Renjun's fringe had strands glued to his forehead, and he reached to take them away from getting into his eyes.

"Your hair is wet," he noticed, face scrunching up in disapproval, "you're gonna get a cold."

Renjun let his back rest on the headboard and closed his eyes, "you're dramatic."

Jaemin's hair was also damp, and Renjun didn't say anything about it. He let him work on his documents, so maybe Jaemin should let him have that too. 

"Says the guy who couldn't stop shivering at the sight of the sea."

"That's so low," Renjun complained, "we had just gotten here, my coat was in the suitcase."

"And whose fault is that?"

"Yours," Renjun didn't give in, "honestly."

Jaemin snickered, getting back to his paperwork. He probably could blame Jaemin for anything and get away with it if it depended on Jaemin himself, but that was a story for another time. 

Right now, Renjun was interested in getting his boyfriend back to where they were and put a halt to thinking about tomorrow.

"You should take a break," they both could use one.

"I can't."

Those were Jaemin's favorite excuses for the past few weeks. He couldn't, he didn't have any time, he had other things to do — all reasons vague and strong enough coming from his mouth to not let anyone doubt him.

Renjun was different, especially because he had something else in mind, but mostly because he was tired of going with Jaemin's stories. 

"You can," he argued, leaving his towel drop to the floor and collecting all of Jaemin's papers, putting them back on a pile, "it's late, you're only going to get a headache."

"I have to be sure I'm not forgetting something."

"I'll quiz you tomorrow morning," Renjun joked and looked astonished as he saw Jaemin consider it, "stop that, get some help."

"You're supposed to be nice," Jaemin reminded him. 

"That wasn't part of the plan," Renjun retorted, passing all the papers back to Jaemin so he could put them in his folder. 

Instead of doing so, Jaemin kept all the documents with him and kept reading what he had, going back to his sitting position, back against the headboard. 

Renjun sighed, poking Jaemin on the ribs and getting a yelp in return. He did turn his head to the side long enough to give Renjun a quick peck on the lips but went back straight after. 

Tired of pretending he didn't have only one thing in his mind, Renjun shot one of his legs over Jaemin and sat on his lap. Jaemin stopped what he was doing to look at his boyfriend on top of him, sweet smile and wicked eyes.

"Jun," Jaemin warned, using his newfound weapon. Although his tone was suspicious, his hands went to Renjun's hips as soon as they could.

Renjun frowned at the usage of his nickname; he didn't need to hear that as he tried to get his boyfriend in the mood. 

"Oh my god," Renjun complained, kissing the corner of his mouth and watching as Jaemin's eyes went straight to his lips when they separated, "don't call me that."

"You're distracting me."

"Then I'm winning," Renjun replied, full of cheeky eyes and glowing smiles.

"We're not competing," Jaemin reminded him.

"I know," Renjun licked his lips, and Jaemin's eyes traveled back to them. He was too obvious, "but I'm winning."

"You are."

And Jaemin's mouth found Renjun's. 

Kissing was one of Renjun's favorite activities. Kissing Jaemin was probably an experience he could never forget. One of Jaemin's hands went from Renjun's hip to the back of his neck, caressing as they deepened themselves in each other. They went slow, savoring what they didn't have, and wouldn't have, for a while. Memorizing every move, how their bodies fit together, was what mattered. 

Renjun pressed onto Jaemin when the boy left his mouth to pepper kisses onto his neck, putting his arms around Jaemin's shoulders as Jaemin put his hands on Renjun's back, pulling them even closer together. 

When Jaemin let his tongue trail around Renjun's shoulder, pushing his shirt collar to the side, Renjun couldn't help but stifle a moan, and Jaemin sucked a mark there. 

Renjun could see the telltales of arousal on Jaemin's face already; rosy cheeks, ragged breathing, and the possessive holding. He was magnificent. 

Even with his black hair, Jaemin is made of every color Renjun had ever seen, every shade on the palette he left lazing around his apartment. The boy was a rainbow of emotions, bursting within his reach. 

He was loud with his affection like the burning yellow of the sun, sunrays touching all of his loved ones, keeping them warm and safe. No hint of darkness could touch them, not with Jaemin there serving as a shield. He would tear himself apart if it meant his kids could enjoy their childhood comfortably.

His bright pink hair was gone, but the lightness stayed. There was pink on lips, now shiny and full from Renjun's raw kisses. There was pink on his cheeks, burning brighter every time Renjun would open up his eyes to look at the mess Jaemin was becoming. 

And that was precisely what Renjun was looking for: wide blown eyes and hasty breaths. Shatters of the man Jaemin was, who he had to be outside their comfort zone, who he would portray tomorrow and for the rest of his life. But right there, in the safety of Renjun's arms, with his mouth on Jaemin's neck, repaying what he had done earlier and coaxing him to let go for the night, it was easy to forget. 

Jaemin's shirt was neglected to let Renjun's hands roam free. Jaemin dragged his nails on Renjun's back and kept him guessing about what he would do next. Renjun painted him with kisses along his torso, biting whenever he thought his boyfriend was too comfortable.

And Jaemin was purple like the pale bruises on his chest, like the hushed nagging and giggles left by Renjun when he would go a little too far —when his eyes would get mischievous, and Jaemin would have to be extra careful with his clothing choices for the rest of the week. He was purple like the shade royalty would wear, with his assertive hands and quiet control, always watching over Renjun, enthralled as he saw his boyfriend get down and lick a strip from his chest to his stomach. 

"Oh my god," Jaemin gasped.

He tried to get Renjun with his back on the mattress as soon as he sat down again, but Renjun put a hand on his chest — feeling his fast heartbeat and breathing. 

"No," Renjun interceded, stopping Jaemin from flipping them over, "let me."

Jaemin went back to his position and let Renjun adjust himself back on top, that position made them grind against each other, and Renjun let out a quiet gasp. Jaemin's hands went back to Renjun's cheek and neck, burning him in, marking him up before the sun could appear again and make them disentangle their bodies. He kissed him, soft and lazy, just two boys getting back into the rhythm they always had; by the end, Renjun was breathless, and Jaemin was smiling, "when haven't I let you get what you want, Huang Renjun?"

Renjun could think of quite a few times, actually. Some harsher than others, some silly. 

As if Jaemin could understand what was going through Renjun's mind, the need to contradict Jaemin's sweet words on the tip of his tongue, he gave up, "okay, tell me what you want me to do."

But Jaemin didn't need to do anything; that was what Renjun meant. 

Renjun pressed himself down again, rolling his hips, and Jaemin could already see where they were heading. 

"I didn't bring protection," Jaemin reminded himself and his boyfriend — in his defense, it didn't cross his mind that they would be doing anything in the week of the hearing; he should've known Renjun had other plans, "or lube."

Renjun shook his head, voice already strained from the way their bodies were touching, "I did, it's okay."

Of course he did. Ever since Jaemin had met Renjun, he had never seen the boy half-ass any task assigned to him — from organizing all the easels in the studio to taking off their clothes as soon as they arrived home; Renjun was always eager, always ready to give his all. 

"You did," Jaemin let the words roll out of his tongue, tasting Renjun with a breath caught in his throat. The idea of Renjun packing condoms shouldn't have been this powerful, but he could feel his heart swell up and burst at the thought that his boyfriend, the same one that had been distant, wanted to be so intimately connected with him again.

Renjun smiled down at him. 

Jaemin loved whenever Renjun would straddle his lap, loved when the boy was taller and had the control he wanted. They didn't do this a lot — mostly because Renjun didn't have the physical training like Jaemin —, so Jaemin appreciated it whenever his boyfriend took the lead.

"Just a second," Renjun got out of Jaemin's lap, and the boy felt strangely naked without someone on top of him. Renjun went to rummage in the backpack he brought and emerged with a new pack of condoms and the same bottle of lube they used at his house.

Jaemin gasped.

"Are you looking forward to milking us dry?" Jaemin asked when Renjun let the pack of sixteen beside him on the bed.

"Shut up," Renjun laughed, kneeling on the bed and getting back to his position on Jaemin's lap, "we were running out of it; I just bought a new one and didn't separate them yet."

"Sure."

He could continue the teasing, but there were more important things to do when Renjun was on top of him like that — like take his shirt off, watch as his warm skin had its first contact with the chilly air in the room, and trail kisses from Renjun's jaw to his neck. Sloppy, hungry kisses as he felt Renjun squirm and become uncomfortable with all the stimulation.

"Take those off," Jaemin said, tugging at Renjun's shorts so he could know what he was talking about. 

He helped him out of it, leaving both the shorts and underwear somewhere in the room. Renjun's dick was already hard and leaking, and the sight of it made Jaemin twitch. His cheeks and neck were burning red, and Jaemin thought he looked beautiful. 

Renjun grabbed back the bottle of lube, and Jaemin spread his hand so he could receive it. Instead, Renjun put some in his own finger, coating it all the way to the knuckles.

Jaemin stopped breathing when Renjun lift himself up, staying on his knees, and pushed his own finger through his entrance. Someone was breathing loudly, but Jaemin couldn't tell if it was him or Renjun. All he was focused on was the faces Renjun was making as he stretched himself open. 

Renjun was just as mesmerized by the intensity of Jaemin's gaze, and he had to let his head rest on Jaemin's shoulder to keep his self-control. Otherwise, he would ask Jaemin to fuck him right then, and he wouldn't be able to walk tomorrow. 

Jaemin felt like molten lava flowing through his fingers, orange sparks consuming every inch of Renjun's skin, clutching his hips with too much force, and trailing the curve of his ass with care.

An action that he didn't think much of until Renjun understood those fingers weren't covered with sweat — it was too cold for that — but with lube, and Jaemin was making a mess out of their bodies, reaching where Renjun's hand already was. 

They could shower again after, maybe even together, and Renjun could give his boyfriend hell for it later, even if it would be all bark. 

"I don't want you to hurt yourself," Jaemin explained, a kiss to Renjun's throat like blazing fire, shutting up the complaint when he felt the tip of Jaemin's finger prod at his entrance. 

Renjun was tense, and he usually didn't take as much precaution as Jaemin did when prepping himself. He did it all fast and too harsh, and Jaemin was the one who made him slow down, words of encouragement setting deep in his gut. And that hadn't changed, "we can do it together," Jaemin offered, the quiet voice, too breathy to be considered stable, thundering through Renjun's ears. 

They had never tried having them both finger Renjun; it had never even crossed Renjun's mind. Jaemin would usually do it when they had time, when he could bask in all the little noises he could pull out of his boyfriend and keep him on edge until there were drops of sweat pooling on his forehead and clavicle. Renjun would usually do it when he was impatient or when he wanted to put on a show, boasting over Jaemin's parted lips and heaving chest — signs of his self-control leaving, eyes looking for confirmation he could take the next step. 

But they had never done it together. Jaemin wasn't much thicker than Renjun; nonetheless, having his boyfriend's finger inside was different than his own, and it took some time to adjust. Renjun's thighs were already shaking, and Jaemin eased him to sit on his legs, his free hand claiming their rightful place on Renjun's hip, tracing delicate patterns on his skin, alleviating the process.

Renjun's head found comfort on the crook of Jaemin's neck, his nose staying there to take in the smell of the hotel's soap and Jaemin. And in that position, he could take advantage of Jaemin's soft spots; he could kiss under his earlobe and watch him squirm, and he could play with the nub of his nipple with his free hand and watch Jaemin gasp. 

A jolt of pleasure ran through Jaemin's body, and even his hand constricted, causing the finger inside Renjun to move and give the boy his own shock, discomfort filled with burning desire. Before Jaemin could mutter a _sorry_ , Renjun was already searching for his lips, locking them as he deemed necessary — there was no need for words when they had each other like that. 

Renjun was the first one to move his hand, and Jaemin could only follow with his own. The fingers leaving and coming again, stretching Renjun clumsily, sometimes reaching too deep and others staying too shallow. There wasn't a rhythm to it, and Renjun wouldn't have it any other way. It was messy like the beating of his heart, and like the stolen kisses Jaemin would place on Renjun's lips — those only came when he was occupied with something else, when he would shut his eyes and feel Jaemin's lips against his, the act soft compared to how his finger was moving. 

Jaemin curled up his finger, and it sent shocking waves of arousal through Renjun's body. They went in and out together, Jaemin smiling every time he would brush up on Renjun's prostate and hear the boy yelp — he would lose his balance, knees would go weak, and head would rest back on Jaemin's shoulder. Every time that happened, Jaemin would kiss his cheek, whisper sweet nothings, excruciatingly lovely, that had Renjun squirming more than any dirty talk ever could.

Renjun's Jaemin was always like that: sweet, careful, and attentive. 

"Should I add one, or do you want to add one?" Jaemin asked when there was no more burning sensation, and all they had was a room filled with little cries, and quiet breaths — Jaemin wanted to fill it with all sorts of sounds coming from Renjun.

Renjun tried to tell Jaemin he should do it, but at the same moment, Jaemin decided to caress his sweet spot, and all the air on his lungs went out in one shredded breath. He did manage to signalize with his free hand for Jaemin to keep going and got a kiss on the cheek in return. 

Renjun thought it should be illegal for Jaemin to even try to be sweet when he had two fingers lining up against his entrance, but Jaemin did it anyway. 

And he kept going with the chaste kisses while Renjun searched for more, when he locked eyes with his boyfriend and Jaemin would hit his prostate full on just to watch Renjun shiver, and after a few minutes, Renjun was already panting too much to be comfortable. His dick had smeared precome all over Jaemin's stomach, and they would surely have to take another bath after. 

"Stop," Renjun complained, "I'm ready."

Renjun took his finger out, and Jaemin went further, grazing his spot one last time before pulling out completely, leaving him open and empty. Although that was what he wanted, Renjun couldn't help but whine at the loss. 

Jaemin was quick to shed his own underwear and tear off one of the condoms; he joked about the others being for later, and Renjun slapped his chest. Renjun swatted Jaemin's hand away, taking Jaemin's dick in his hand and stroking it. He didn't need much encouragement; Jaemin was already hard as a rock only from fingering Renjun. 

So Renjun lined himself up with Jaemin and reached down. Both forgetting to breathe as Jaemin inched deeper, and Renjun controlled the movement. 

The slide was comfortable, and they went slow, Renjun taking his time to sink down on Jaemin and make a home for himself there. This time, it was Jaemin who had the erratic breathing and eyes closed, hands applying pressure to Renjun's hips, but never making a move. He was trying to ground himself not to get lost in the heat, and after all their silly arguments, Jaemin was overwhelmed about being back like this. Having Renjun all to himself; mind, body, and soul. All of Renjun, all of Jaemin, a contrast of feelings and movements, everything so colorful, so right, so theirs, that it seemed like a crime they waited this long to get back to it again.

Renjun looked at Jaemin, this time searching for his eyes. It reminded him of their first time, when Renjun tried to find the answers of why and how, inside of Jaemin's eyes. _Do you feel it too?_

With enough confirmation, Renjun used his knees to prop himself up, the drag becoming incredibly sweet as he laughed at Jaemin's pained expressions — he was trying hard to stop himself from moving. 

"What?"

"Nothing," Renjun smiled, "you look pretty."

Laughter wasn't uncommon with them, but this time it bubbled up too much between the two, and Renjun kissed Jaemin silly before he leaned down again, still sweet and slow. He took Jaemin's earlobe between his lips as he continued to move and all Jaemin could think was that he was thankful they didn't have any hotel neighbors, because the moan coming out of his mouth was too loud, and it would've definitely woken them up.

Renjun looked just as affected, if not more, as Jaemin. His legs were starting to shake as he picked up the pace, and Jaemin's hands were pressed directly to his ass cheeks, opening him up and giving him the support. 

Jaemin was also red, like the burning touch of his fingers and tip of his tongue — he traced down Renjun's neck with it, licking him and biting until it became bright pink, never strong enough to leave a mark. Jaemin was red like the erratic pulsing in his ears and like the reassurance that this boy — this one boy, all pretty and moaning for him — had his entire heart. Jaemin was red like Renjun's cheeks and ears, like Renjun himself because, at that moment, they were one. 

"I can't," Renjun felt his legs give up, "I can't, you do it."

His voice was strained and request sounding like a whine, which only made Jaemin smile at him. Jaemin let him catch his breath first, kissing his left shoulder and stroking the back of his head. Renjun thought, once again, that Jaemin shouldn't be able to be that sweet — not when he had his dick buried deep inside Renjun. 

Jaemin was waiting for his cue, feeling as Renjun became more erratic from the lack of muscle training. He put one hand on the back of Renjun's head and flipped them over with care, it didn't hurt, but it still shocked Renjun with how fast Jaemin could change their positions.

With Jaemin on top, he put a pillow underneath Renjun to release some of the tension on his legs, and he pushed himself back in. It was fast, and it was deep, and Renjun felt it everywhere. He felt the pressure on his throat as he kept his mouth shut. He felt on his belly as he tried to constrict his breathing. 

Jaemin, understanding his concern, leaned over, so his lips were grazing Renjun's ear; he gave him a kiss there before he said, "there's no one near us," he reminded, "you can be loud."

With the next movement, as Jaemin kept brushing him up inside, Renjun took his cue and didn't try to stop himself this time. He called out for Jaemin's name, chanting it mostly for his own amusement. 

With every thrust, it felt like Renjun was being filled up, and Jaemin went faster, pounding on Renjun as he heard the cries getting louder, his own voice louder, reverberating with how their bodies were linked. Renjun's hands left where they were resting on Jaemin's hips to caress his face, removing the hair falling in front of his eyes and watching as Jaemin's lips searched for his hand, pressing a kiss on Renjun's palm.

While his action was small, it inflated Renjun's heart, and his mouth and head were full of words he never thought of saying before. Words that meant so much more than that moment, but it culminated right there — as Renjun bitterly agreed that it wasn't a matter of no one ever being good enough next to Jaemin, it was just that he didn't want anyone else. 

It wasn't like Jaemin was special, like he was made from a different set of materials, feelings, or moments. It was just that Renjun _made_ him special in his heart; he chose that one to fight over and with, to smile at and hold all year round. 

Jaemin snuck one of his hands between them, reaching for Renjun's dick to put pressure on it too, the dragging becoming irregular and leaving Renjun to yell in their bedroom. 

Jaemin tried to swallow his moans by kissing Renjun, but they moved too hastily and only ended up breathing against each other. It didn't matter, because Jaemin was smiling, and Renjun's heart was about to leave his ribcage. 

Renjun wished he hadn't brought the condoms. He wished there wasn't any sort of barrier between them. They were both clean and dedicated, they just hadn't made the change yet, and he wished, as he realized what he felt, that they had every inch of skin touching each other. 

Jaemin thrust deeper than before, and he could feel him shivering as he came, pushing through his high, and Renjun let it go as well, reaching his own climax. 

At that moment, everything was golden. Golden as he watched Jaemin slip out of him, ragged breaths and sweaty body, sprawling onto his side — Renjun nudged his knee and Jaemin smiled at nothing, eyes closed as he felt Renjun getting closer. Golden like the gentle touch of Jaemin's hand, one arm slipping under Renjun's head to serve as a pillow. Golden as their legs interlaced, and Jaemin looked at Renjun, wanting to give him a kiss on the forehead, finding his lips instead. 

Golden as Huang Renjun realized he was in love with Na Jaemin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess we can kinda see where things are going now, right?  
> Hope it was worth the wait, my classes are gonna be put to a halt for christmas and new years eve, so hopefully, I'll come back soon. I'm not gonna make any promises cause every time I do they end up not going through, maybe this way it's safer and I'll be more consistent haha  
> I have a new renmin coming up next week I think (?) or the week after it; it will be filled with fluff (and smut), and I'm super proud of it! Be on the lookout for it.  
> I also have a new [series](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27686656) (also renmin i don't really write anything but them) yall should check out.  
> Anyways, consider leaving comments and kudos, they make my day 🥺🥺  
> Happy December, you'll see me before the end of it (:  
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/toojuns)  
> [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/toojuns)


	21. the day before

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, I am Not Dead 💛  
> I'll explain it further at the end notes, but as usual:  
> [spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4A8yyS6TLlglvsBWyirQd1?si=-uQs6aaZS127QgM5oJaMFw)  
> [pinterest board](https://br.pinterest.com/clariexyz/1-his-tattoos/)  
> Songs for this chapter: Plans by Oh Wonder (is it really tthh if I'm not out here with my oh wonder agenda??) and Ride by Cary Brothers.  
> Have fun!

A systematic buzzing sound came from the heater outside, which was almost deafened by Renjun's beating heart; he would've surely startled any heartbeat tracker if he was tied to one, and Renjun couldn't even try to be sorry about it—he couldn't even pretend. 

Other than those tiny noises, the place was quiet. The TV was off, and Renjun was, undoubtedly, freaking out. He had been for the past hour, or maybe more? He hadn't brought his phone with him and didn't want to go out and get it; there were far scarier things outside than the idea of not having his phone for a few hours. 

He was in the bathroom, hiding. From no one in particular, he wasn't hiding from Jaemin, per se; he was just... freaking out. 

Freaking out because he loved his boyfriend and had no clue how to tell him that. 

He tried to reason himself with it, too; did he really have to say anything? Wasn't coming all the way to Pohang, standing in the cold, and spending two days' worth of his pay in pastries for Jaemin's sister not enough? 

Renjun certainly thought it was. 

It didn't make any sense to have his heart beating so fast, not even to him. He could imagine Donghyuck rolling his eyes all the way in Seoul if he ever found out about it—which was why Renjun promised himself he would let those thoughts die in the bathroom, with him and no one else. 

So it didn't make any sense, and it wouldn't. Renjun never had the need to express something like that, not with any other relationships he had before. But with Jaemin, it was certainly different. 

Jaemin had always been different; no one in their right mind would have jumped on that boat so quickly if there wasn't love involved—he had been slow not to figure it out sooner. Renjun had been continuously doing things out of his confused feelings, and now that he acknowledge what it was, he was bound to freak out. 

He felt stupid for his beating heart when the person outside the bathroom was already his boyfriend, and this was expected. This wasn't some regular crush; they were in a hotel room together, on a trip that would end up with Jaemin getting custody of his little siblings. Renjun helped Jaemin prepare his entire house; they built furniture together and kid-proofed every corner of every room. This also wasn't a casual relationship, at least not to him. 

Most importantly, Renjun let Jaemin sneak into his bed early in the morning and wake him up, without getting mad at him—every time any of his friends ever tried so much as calling him while he was asleep, Renjun would tear them to shreds. 

The signs were there if he thought about it, as clear as daylight. All he did came from his innate state of trying to mold their lives together to the best of his ability. And it was fun to do so; Jaemin was fun to be around, and he would've done everything again. 

So there really wasn't anything he should be worrying about. He could just say it out loud and let Jaemin deal with it. 

Although, adding Jaemin to the wrecked state that was his mind didn't sound like the best idea. He was still going through it, and Jaemin didn't deserve all of that dumped on him right now. 

Renjun could wait. He had been waiting. He could wait because Jaemin did it too, and there were far more urgent matters. After all, he could use a halt, and Jaemin would still be there—waiting, a smile on his face and affection in his eyes, like the first time they met. 

When he decided to open the bathroom door and spy over, he saw Jaemin basically in the same position Renjun had left him — forearm over his eyes, hiding from the faint light of the lamp Jaemin left on so Renjun wouldn't hurt himself coming back to bed. His breathing was rhythmic, and he might've been already asleep — Renjun had taken a lot of time in the bathroom anyway. 

That was probably for the best; aftercare had always been a big part of having sex for them — it was Renjun and Jaemin's most vulnerable state; in bed with each other, basking in the postcoital glow, reminiscing moments and telling secrets. Jaemin would listen, like he always did, attentive and smiling, sneaking short kisses—but long enough so it would torment Renjun's talking—and hiding his face on the pillow whenever Renjun said something unexpectedly funny—trying to respect his boyfriend's discourse, but breaking the moment Renjun would nudge him to look back at him. Renjun would also listen, face hiding on the crook of Jaemin's neck, taking in the vibration of his voice—that way, Renjun caught any discomfort and broken sound coming from Jaemin, and he could ease him back to the present, to the place where they were, in bed and each other's arms.

Aftercare was vital but also tricky. Tricky because Renjun would say whatever he had on his mind—this time, no filter whatsoever—and Jaemin would answer back in the same style. It was, mostly, productive and helped them figure each other out. Still, right now, that came with emotional baggage—they had just started making progress too—, Renjun couldn't spring an i-love-you and wait for Jaemin to respond in the same manner; he probably had way too much on his plate to even think about it. 

Even if he had thought about it, his stance was yet pretty vivid in Renjun's mind, and as much as he wanted to, his shaken up ego was still hurt from their encounter that one morning. He didn't want to stir things up again, not when they had just started to figure things out, not when this week wasn't about them. 

Therefore, Jaemin being asleep was probably for the best.

It did, somehow, still make Renjun sad. He shouldn't have been, since that was his own doing, but a little part of his brain—the part where logic didn't reign—wished Jaemin would've stayed up either way, wished he waited with his sweet words and understanding eyes. 

He let his knee dip on the mattress, trying to make as little noise as he could, settling under the covers to try and regain some of his body temperature back. Renjun only wore a light shirt and boxer shorts, so his entire being was freezing at that point. 

Jaemin didn't make any sound or any action that would let Renjun know he was still awake. With a sigh, accomodating further into his fluffy pillows, Renjun let his eyes close, mind wandering through all their encounters that day—taking in the little things he hadn't gotten a chance to yet, allowing his heart unwind from all his firm shackles, if only for a moment. 

"Are you okay?" Jaemin's voice was rough, lulled by the sleep he had been trying to fight for the past hour, surprising Renjun. 

It shouldn't have, but his boyfriend's voice tugged on Renjun's heartstrings, sending jolts of confusion and delight up his head, filling his mouth with words he wasn't going to say. 

"What?"

Renjun wasn't sure if he asked Jaemin or himself; the question came from his startled state, trying to navigate his heart back to place.

Jaemin reached for the lamp, turning off all the lights and letting them stay in the dark; the only source of light came from the lamp posts outside their room, brightness peaking from their blackout curtain. It wasn't enough to even see much of Jaemin's face, only to figure out his silhouette, but Renjun was okay with it. 

He was okay because the moment Jaemin turned his body back to him, he reached for Renjun, tucking him in his arms. Lips finding his forehead—not precisely a kiss, just Jaemin's lips resting there, his nose taking in all of Renjun's scent, the sweet, the sweat, and the generic shampoo from the hotel. 

Jaemin would usually lull Renjun to sleep, hand trailing the older's back, watching as his breathing became relaxed, but there was something else that night. Renjun was tense, his back straight, and when Jaemin looked down to assess what was going on, Renjun's eyes wandered away from his. 

Renjun felt the hand on his back halt, "Jun?"

That darn nickname felt so right coming out from Jaemin's lips that Renjun felt angry about how he did not realize his feelings sooner. Who gets mad over a nickname? One that other people used, at that. It wasn't even a weird pet name, just an abbreviation of his own name, and Renjun's heart did somersaults inside his chest. 

He was so far gone; it was ridiculous.

"Did I hurt you?"

It took Renjun a minute to find his voice again, and only because Jaemin's question laced more than just that moment. 

Was he hurt? Renjun didn't think so, at least not anymore, and his body felt fine—more than fine, actually, if his trembling legs were any proof. His heart was, however, torn. It wasn't necessarily Jaemin's fault, so it didn't make any sense to put him through this, but he still couldn't help but shy away from such questions or any type of deep conversation they could have. 

So was he hurt? Perhaps. Probably. He was also confused due to recent realizations. But this week wasn't about him, and if he was honest, he wished none of the weeks could be ever about him again—living in the current state of denial was more than adequate, especially now that Renjun figured out his own feelings; he would take whatever he could get from Jaemin. 

"Of course not," he stretched his arms and legs out to prove the point, "I'm completely fine."

Renjun wasn't sure if Jaemin was just tired or if he accepted his reply, but the rest of the conversation never came. They reveled in the silence, this time not as deafening, and Renjun tried to send his thoughts away. 

It wasn't as easy as he thought it would be because his mind had always been clouded by Jaemin, from the moment he walked into his sister's living room that first day and caught Renjun and his nephew making a mess with washable paint. 

Jaemin walked in and demanded answers to questions that weren't Renjun's to tell, and yet, Renjun did it anyway. With his stupid cat-like grin and inappropriate comments, Renjun should've known he was gone from day one—Donghyuck tried signaling it too.

Even with all the uncertainty, Renjun was sure he would have done it all over again. With Jaemin lying in bed next to him, breathing starting to fall under again, his entire world felt right. 

Tomorrow, they would have to brave new paths, meet new people, have Jaemin be stressed again. Today, Jaemin was his. His to take care, his to cherish, his to love—and, oh my god, Renjun loved him.

He loved Jaemin in all the crazy ways Renjun laughed at others for. He could have gone a little bit mad over the past year, and Renjun thought it was still worth it. He liked every small part of Jaemin, even the ones who hurt him—he could see the effort Jaemin made to make amends, and that was all Renjun could ask for. They weren't ideal, far from it actually, but Jaemin waited out, and Renjun took tiny steps towards him, and they were making it work. 

They were, they would, somehow. They came as two and would leave as four; Renjun would make sure of it. Tomorrow, he would meet another part of Jaemin's life he only heard about, and he would love them the same. 

Jaemin shifted, tucking Renjun's head under his chin—they weren't even that far between in terms of height, but Jaemin liked to sleep with his head up high on the pillow, and Renjun thought only crazy people did that. He felt Jaemin poke his ribs and let out a yelp before he could contain himself. 

"You're spiraling," Jaemin noticed, one hand sneaking under Renjun's shirt, tracing patterns onto his waist, "what's going on?"

"I'm not," Renjun said, stubborn. 

Jaemin pinched his side, and Renjun almost hit Jaemin's neck if the younger didn't push him away fast enough. Sleep gone from their minds, Jaemin laughed as Renjun tried to break out his hands from Jaemin's grip, at least long enough to pinch him back. 

Maybe out of self-preservation—or out of all the years spent swimming—Jaemin was strong, more than Renjun would've liked. It was hard to get away from him, and for every strained huff coming out of Renjun, there was a burst of breathy laughter from Jaemin. 

"Stop that," Jaemin said between waves of laughter, smile so bright Renjun could see even with the dim light. 

He loved that smile too, and even those pinchy bony fingers of Jaemin. They gave up in their little play at some point, and Jaemin let Renjun poke him back—a little too hard, but he deserved it. When peace was restored, they went back to their conversation, ragged breaths and tired limbs. 

"You don't have to tell me," Jaemin comforted, "but should I be worried?"

Honestly, fuck Na Jaemin and how much of an attentive boyfriend he could be. Renjun didn't have time to stop and coo at his response, but that was exactly what he wanted to do. 

"No," he meant it, "you're good."

Too good even; Renjun was in deep trouble. 

Morning came like all the others did, bashful and with a hint of sadness. The sun tried to creep its way into their room, but the curtains were enough to block most of it out, silencing the screaming sunlight from their sacred space. It did, however, light the room enough to chase Renjun's sleep away. 

With a restless heart, Renjun didn't get much sleep anyway, being woken up by anything that made the slightest of sounds. Jaemin, on the other hand, slept soundly next to him, one hand resting on Renjun's hip, another tucked away beneath his head. 

Perhaps some of Jaemin's anxiety was rubbing off on him because Renjun couldn't help but feel his stomach tighten up as everything fell back to place, as he blinked his sleep away, and the room started to get in focus for the first time that morning.

Jaemin laid next to him, hand falling to Renjun's stomach, never leaving his body throughout the night. He was still asleep, breathing deep and loud, unaware of the world for a few more hours. He looked peaceful, parted lips and long eyelashes; Renjun could feel his own body relaxing at the sight of his boyfriend.

Renjun almost envied him, but not enough to go back to sleep. Jaemin, more than anyone else, needed the time for himself. He needed everyone to stop and let him catch his breath again, and that was what Renjun would do for him.

Knowing Jaemin could take a while, Renjun let his mind roam around all the things they had to do today. He knew Seungjo had to be coming by now—the hearing too close to postpone any further—and Jaemin still hadn't seen his grandma. At some point, he would also like to walk through town without Jaemin—or he was trying to convince himself he would, knowing Jaemin would like to have some alone time with the kids before the court. After the weird meeting yesterday, Renjun was starting to realize maybe he would have to wait longer to be on friendly terms with Jaewon.

There was also the looming question mark between them that was Jaemin's father. Renjun didn't feel the need to meet the man that had put so much pain inside Jaemin's eyes. Still, he also couldn't help but notice all the times yesterday in which Jaemin looked over his shoulders and decided last minute to take another route—he didn't fool anyone. Renjun knew him well enough to realize he was avoiding places where his father could be.

Even the chosen hotel had been an active way not to cross paths with the man; they were far enough from town to make Jaemin relieved, but still close enough to the beach for Renjun not to complain—not that he would anyway, but he did tell Jaemin once he hadn't seen the ocean for a while now, and his boyfriend took that as a challenge.

Maybe that's what he could do then, instead of letting his thoughts go down a route that would surely make him question their entire planned day. He could put on his sneakers and greet the winter sea; even its violent waves were tamer than the clouds in Renjun's mind or the intensity of his feelings.

With all the care in the world, Renjun tried to move his body out of Jaemin's reach. He started with his legs, only to have it shoot painful pricks up his back and make him groan. For a second, he had forgotten the activities from last night and how sore he knew he would be from his performance. 

Everything hurt; his legs felt like they weighed ten extra pounds, and the next grunt was louder than expected, one he wasn't able to contain. Before he knew, Renjun was holding his breath in a failing attempt to not wake Jaemin up, to which his boyfriend had already started moving.

"Jun?" Jaemin asked, a perfect replica of the night before, voice rough from sleep.

Jaemin looked pretty even with his puffy eyes and scrunched-up face; it should've been a dead giveaway with how much Renjun liked his bedridden hair, and right now, with Jaemin's crazy raven hair, Renjun couldn't be more smitten. If anyone pointed out, he would deny it, but in the back of his mind, even the black dye stains on Jaemin's ear were cute.

Donghyuck would've called that type of thought tragic, and Renjun couldn't even deny that it was, indeed, a little tragic.

"Hey, sorry," he whispered, hoping Jaemin would go back to his sleep, "didn't mean to wake you up."

"What time is it?"

Renjun hadn't even thought of looking for the time; surely they still had plenty. He looked for his cellphone, and the bright display made him groan again, "almost eight," he answered.

It was still early, and considering they had gone to bed late yesterday, Renjun couldn't help but feel bitter with Jaemin opening his eyes—he was supposed to rest while he could, "we should sleep some more," Renjun offered.

"No," Jaemin said, clearly tempted by the way his hand crept to Renjun's hip, "we have the early visiting slot today."

Renjun knew that and, in his defense, visiting hours in the home Jaemin's grandmother stayed started at ten in the morning, so they had at least another hour to spare even with showering and grabbing breakfast somewhere.

"Come on," Jaemin got up first, sitting on the bed and rubbing his eyes. The action gave Renjun a complete view of his boyfriend's naked back, which would have been a blessing any other day. Today, however, Renjun could only focus on the dye stains on his neck; he wasn't sure Jaemin knew the extent of those. 

"Oh my god," it came out of Renjun's mouth even before he could process it, and once Jaemin looked at him, worried, Renjun decided to finish his sentence, "you need to take a shower."

Renjun's expression was alarming, and Jaemin dashed to the bathroom to assess the situation. As soon as his vision focused and Jaemin could look at his dyed ears, a loud cry could be heard from the bathroom—Renjun knew he shouldn't laugh, but the situation was funny. 

"I said I didn't want to do this," Renjun defended himself when Jaemin appeared back in the room. 

"How do I get this off?"

"Soap and water," Renjun remembered Donghyuck going through the same struggle; fortunately for his friend, Hyuck usually chose lighter colors, and those were easy to take off—Renjun had no clue about how long black dye stained. 

"Stop laughing," Jaemin snapped. 

That only gave him the opposite reaction, and Renjun put a hand to his mouth to contain the smile, "I'm sorry."

Jaemin laughed along, mostly to the sound of Renjun's laughter. The entire situation had sprung out of insecurity, and at least they could make light of the problem; Jaemin had traded the pink hair for stains on his neck, and, honestly, he didn't know which one would look worse to the town's conservatives. 

"Come on, get up," Jaemin patted the bed, rushing him on.

"I'll shower after you," Renjun said, turning to the side to get a few more minutes of peace. 

"You'll have to shower with me," Jaemin explained, "I can't get all of this by myself."

Renjun had a lot of comebacks for that. First and foremost, he thought it was unnecessary to change hair colors; Jaemin had a reason that anyone could sympathize with—and even if he didn't, everyone could eat his fist for all he cared. Second, he didn't want to leave the bed just yet, and he also didn't wish Jaemin to leave it either; they were supposed to stay in for a little longer, at least until he could control his heart rate again. Third, Renjun had just realized how gone he truly was for this boy, and his being was still deciding whether he should give in or fight.

"I'm sore," Renjun said. He didn't even need to get up to know his legs would give him a hard time that day; just the lingering aching feeling was enough warning, "I can't help you."

"We have one day to try and take this off me," Jaemin reminded him, "I'll carry you to the bathroom if I have to."

That shouldn't have elicited such a response from Renjun, but thoughts ran through his mind, and before he could add some snarky remark, Jaemin intercepted.

"Get your mind out of the gutter," Jaemin reprimanded, taking the covers away from him, "come on, I'll scrub your back."

Again, Renjun had many comebacks for that—for instance, back scrubbing usually led to other things, so Jaemin was sending mixed signals. Instead of whatever he could say, Renjun only felt the cold air hit him as he didn't have the comfort of the blankets anymore, so Renjun didn't try to fight it anymore and did as he was told. 

He got out of bed and made sure to have the water as hot as it could get, leaving both of their skins red and Jaemin complaining. Served him right for taking his blanket away.

"It's too hot, Jun," Jaemin said, trying to get out of the spraying water hitting his skin. Taking a shower with Renjun had both good and bad sides to it, and Jaemin always seemed to forget the older liked to boil himself alive.

Renjun didn't really care at that point; he was focused on making Jaemin's skin less stained, and the hot water seemed to help; if the price to pay was hearing Jaemin nag, Renjun was okay with it.

Focusing on others' issues was something Renjun knew how to handle well; it was his own that he couldn't deal with. It was easy to concentrate on the black spots, scrub the same place over and over, and watch as the water pooling on their feet turned from dark to transparent.

Jaemin, on the other side, seemed to be getting antsier by the second, and he had better reasons for it. Every time Renjun finished with a spot, Jaemin went back and scrubbed the same place himself, accomplishing nothing but getting his skin redder—it did annoy Renjun a little, but he decided to give his boyfriend a break.

"You're nervous," it was finally Renjun's turn under the hot shower, and the water seemed to melt all his tension away, his aching muscles being revived for another day.

"Yeah," Jaemin answered, handing Renjun the soap, "I guess that's normal."

"You're gonna do great," Renjun reminded him, one hand reaching to squeeze Jaemin's—it was hot, mostly since outside was so cold, and Jaemin would've hissed if it wasn't for the smile on Renjun's face.

"You think so?" That was the only thing he could think to say, voice shy and lost to the shower spray.

"I know so."

Out of everyone, Renjun was the only person that knew everything about the process he was going through; therefore, hearing words of encouragement from him usually did the trick. It didn't help him calm himself down, but it did spark hope inside his heart, and that was the only thing that kept Jaemin going.

Sometimes, they didn't need long talks or grand love confessions; they needed poking sides and skin to skin, scratching each other's back, and fighting for their turn under the water. Jaemin needed this one boy to laugh at him and make the showering process three times longer than it needed to be. And when Renjun pulled him closer, Jaemin forgot all about the boiling water or crazy schedule and just kissed his boyfriend back.

Meeting Jaemin's grandmother for the first time was stressful to Renjun, probably even more than meeting the kids. Jaemin didn't create a strong bond with her like he had done with the children— mostly because she had the habit of calling him by his father's name—, so Renjun hadn't heard much about her in the first place and didn't know what to expect.

With Jaein, he had studied her way of talking on the phone and laughed along with the stories Jaemin had told him about her, and therefore he felt a little more comfortable when it was just the two of them—even though he wanted to flee at any moment. With Jaewon, from all the accounts, he knew the boy wouldn't be easy, and that came true when Jaemin didn't even manage to get the boy to introduce himself to Renjun.

It was okay, Renjun told himself. They were going through a weird process in their lives, something Renjun couldn't even being to fathom, so if the boy needed space, Renjun was more than happy to comply—he was already full with trying to win the heart of his little sister, anyway, because Jaein already had his.

With the grandma, however, Renjun didn't have Jaemin to help him navigate the waters. Jaemin stood with him, side by side, with no clue what to expect either.

Jaemin's grandmother was a bittersweet memory to him; she was his warmth while he was a kid, a longing while a teenager, and a torn in his adult life. The person he knew from his early years had long gone been taken away from him, and from herself, and the moment Jaemin met his grandmother again, he was facing a stranger.

A stranger that not only forgot all about him but also confused him with his father. He'd taken extreme measures to make sure she wouldn't mutter that name while directing him the word, but there was only much he could do about it—apparently, burning his scalp would only get him so far.

However, it did help him navigate those months with his grandmother, and he met her for the first time again. After years of neglect, Jaemin was back face to face with his grandmother, only to feel the same rejection he did before.

He had a sense of respect for the woman, since she was the one that helped raise his siblings, and a sense of duty because of it. Other than that, Jaemin's relationship was shallow, nothing but trifling affection and need of cohabitation. All their conversations were based on his siblings or the time she worked at a hair salon—the same time when Jaemin was a kid, lost without his dad. It was probably petty feelings that led him up to it, but he couldn't help but resent her a little.

Nonetheless, she was still his grandmother; more importantly, she was the siblings' grandmother, and they deserved a relationship with her, which meant he needed to be the bridge between them.

Jaemin didn't want to meet her, as he was worried about the color of his hair regressing all the progress he'd made with her before. Being back to square one would be challenging, especially when the kids would be going through the biggest change of their lives.

"Hi," Jaemin greeted one of the nurses in the home; they had talked before, but he couldn't remember her name, "we're here for the morning visit."

The nurse remembered him as well, and asked about the kids—Jaemin always took them with him to visit—he explained they were at school. As soon as pleasant greetings were exchanged, the nurse gave them a visitor's pass and let them go their way. The home was small, without any levels, the smell of soap and moisturizer clogging the air. They entered further, reaching their inside garden, where Jaemin's grandmother was sitting on a chair by the patio.

The woman had her gray hair slicked back and watched one of the caregivers hand out the instructions for the activity that day.

Jaemin was awkward, fidgety, unsure what to do. He'd always brought the children along, and that way, he didn't need to make much conversation, letting the kids handle their grandmother on their own. 

Although he did know he should make an effort to create a stable connection, it was hard when the woman reminded him so much of his father. 

Jaemin took a deep breath; it was now or never. 

"Hi, grandma," Jaemin tried, smiling at the woman and sitting next to her on the table she was at, "I'm back."

Jaemin's grandmother looked from the man beside her to her caregiver, clearly confused with whoever Jaemin was. She tried; Renjun could see it; she tried her hardest to search her brain to remember who he was, but came out empty. 

"Jaemin is back!" The caregiver smiled at the boy, "look, Mrs. Na, aren't you happy?"

The woman remained confused but smiled back.

"And you are?" The caregiver asked, looking over to Renjun.

"Renjun," he replied, feeling out of his comfort zone as well, "a friend."

Jaemin's smile strained, but he kept it, "my boyfriend," he corrected it.

The woman smiled at them, cracking a joke, "does he know about it?"

Jaemin laughed back, not finding it very funny, striking a conversation with the caregiver, asking about the place's conditions and any progress with his grandmother. It was obvious he tried to ignore how his grandma didn't remember him, and that meant Renjun was left to brave the new path by himself.

It would've been more challenging if he didn't realize what they were about to do.

Out of all the times he could be grateful for Renjun being there, this topped every other moment. Jaemin was glad the boy didn't pry much into that part of his family, accepting all the snippets Jaemin could give him—Jaemin himself didn't know much about it; they were close strangers at best. With his calming ways and immense support, Renjun took care of the numbing silence with the best way he knew how: teaching.

"What are you doing?" Renjun asked, showing interest in the magazine in her hands.

The two age ranges Renjun was comfortable with teaching were kids and the elderly. Most of his early afternoon classes were filled with women like Jaemin's grandmother, and he knew how to talk to them—at least in that setting.

"We're making collages today," another woman, who was sitting next to them, chimed in. There were piles of magazines and colored paper on the table. It wasn't exactly what Renjun was used to, but he could work with it.

He smiled.

"Can I help?"

It was easy to fall back into teaching mode, and, as much as Renjun felt self-conscious to carry the attention away from the caregiver, it was apparent she was okay with it, minding her own while talking to Jaemin.

Meanwhile, Renjun had not only managed to make Jaemin's grandmother talk but created a circle of elders at his table, all of them cutting the magazines and gossiping about trivial matters. It didn't matter where he was, some things didn't change, and he could've sworn he was back in Seoul at his studio.

"Boy," one of the ladies—Mrs. Lee, or at least that was what Renjun thought her surname was—said, "what brings you here?"

Renjun had been bombarded with all kinds of questions that morning, from where he lived, where he grew up—some people being amazed he was actually Chinese—, and even if he was single.

"I have a boyfriend, actually." He replied, aware of the shocked faces around the table.

He didn't actually mind revealing his relationship status or sexuality, but Renjun and Jaemin hadn't talked about whether they were going to disclose that for everyone in Pohang—the only ones who mattered were the children, in Jaemin's eyes—, so Renjun didn't want to overstep his boundaries.

They didn't pry; the only one who had heard Jaemin calling Renjun his boyfriend was Jaemin's grandmother, and she hadn't recognized Jaemin anyway.

"That's too bad," one of the men said, "I would love to introduce you to my granddaughter."

There were no funny commentaries—much to Renjun's surprise; he would've thought he would get at least one—, and the talk went on. Renjun learned the right way to fish in the open sea, and the first time a university was created in Pohang. The people in that patio had been the core of society and helped shape the city to what it was now, which was fascinating to realize.

Renjun heard about the fishermen, bakers, accountants, dancers, parents, all types of jobs, and personalities.

"I missed my salon so much," Jaemin's grandmother talked, one of the few times she decided to share, "my grandson let me dye his hair pink one time."

Jaemin, by that time, had already finished the talk with the caregiver and was lurking around Renjun, watching as his boyfriend filled the room with joy and peace. The words coming out of his grandmother's mouth came as a shock; he didn't expect her to remember something that happened months ago, when she was already in her advanced stages of Alzheimer's.

"Did he like it?" Renjun asked, feigning ignorance.

"I don't think so," she laughed, "his little sister did."

"That's good then," Renjun smiled, going back to cutting every object he could find on the magazine in front of him.

Jaemin smiled at the lady, aware she wasn't paying attention to him. He felt his heart tighten, confused between being happy she could at least remember something, and being sad she couldn't piece together that that same boy was him.

He didn't think he would be able to have the relationship he wanted with his grandmother, but he took those little moments as small tokens of victory—the day he managed to create a memory strong enough with her, the day she met his boyfriend, the day she corrected herself by calling Jaemin by his name. Those were all precious.

Jaemin couldn't help but feel sad over the memories forgotten and the holidays not spent together. Would he have liked the woman? He couldn't be sure, and he was scared of dwelling too much on it—afraid of what he could find inside his mind.

This, right there, was what he had. Fleeting moments of clarity, smiles exchanged only when other people are around, their bond with the children being the only reason to stay in touch. He could do that, give it all and never receive anything in return, just like she did with his siblings. Family would always be a tricky situation anyway; at least he had people with him he could consider family — blood ties or not.

"Oh, that grandson of yours is lucky, huh?" Jaemin chimed in, mostly ignored by his grandmother, but at least he got a smile from Renjun.

And he loved that smile of his.

Seungjo was meant to arrive by lunchtime, which was why Jaemin cleared his entire—self-made—schedule to greet the older man by the time he got there. It was two in the afternoon when the boy started to get antsy, unclear as to why his older friend wasn't at the hotel yet. 

Time went by slowly that day, the clock being unbearably mean to Jaemin's mental stability. Every minute developed in slow motion, even the specs of dust roaming around the air were stilling in air, reflecting as the weak winter sun rays pierced through the window of their hotel room. It was cold outside but even colder in their bed, with the sheer panicky state Jaemin found himself in. 

Renjun could only watch as his boyfriend paced back and forth, wondering how he didn't feel dizzy yet—Renjun was, just by looking at him. 

There was an underlying fear present in the air, something Jaemin wasn't going to vocalize, and Renjun didn't want to seize out of him. It clawed its ways deep down Jaemin's mind, causing him to second-guess all his interactions leading to that weekend, to that moment. 

Indeed, some things couldn't be changed, and Jaemin's need to trust others blindly was one of them. It came from the deep-rooted need for validation he sought from older men, the empty place his dad was supposed to fill never being equally matched. It should've made him develop a thicker skin, and for some cases—those which involved his children—it did, but when it came to anything remotely close to a father figure, Jaemin still couldn't help but hope. 

Tremendous, childish hope that lifted him high to crash down just as violently as it did the first time, being too trusting would be Jaemin's downfall. 

The idea of Seungjo bailing last minute had never crossed his mind before, at least up until now, as Jaemin glanced, once again, to the time on his phone display. A quarter till three. He was supposed to be there by eleven AM.

Who was Jaemin, on the grand scheme of things in Seungjo's life anyway? The boy had been betting his cards on a favor, and it was stupid of him to do so. Why did he ever think Seungjo would drop everything and come meet him in another city, hours away from where they lived?

"Oh my god," Renjun stopped his train of thought, tired of all the nervous glances and fidgety steps, "please stop moving."

Jaemin looked to his boyfriend, sitting on their hotel bed, back to the headboard, expression varying between concerned and annoyed. He deserved the callout; they had been cramped up in their room the entire morning, waiting to hear news from the nurse, and Jaemin was getting increasingly irritating to watch. 

Still, the look on Jaemin's eyes was pitiful and broke down any annoyance inside Renjun's brain. Jaemin looked like a kid that had been told Santa Claus wasn't real; all previous sparkling anticipation turned into doubt as time went by and reality sunk in.

"He's late," was everything Jaemin managed to mutter, not wanting to materialize his feelings into words.

"He's probably stuck in traffic."

The picture Renjun painted came from his good heart but did little to appease Jaemin. The younger knew the roads that led to Pohang like the back of his hand or the moles on Jaewon's face; therefore, he also knew there was little to no possible outcome in which Seungjo could be stuck in traffic. He would have to take the highway, and—since Jaemin had given him instructions—he would have driven to the east coast and gone south until all he could see were the Pohang fishermen and their boats in the water. 

As much as Jaemin wanted to believe in Renjun's words, it didn't hold much truth to it. None of the ways would have given Seungjo a way to even find traffic, much less be stuck in it. 

"Come here," Renjun called for him, arms opened, and Jaemin's shoulders slumped from the tension, crawling to his boyfriend's arms. He could be miserable, but at least he would be in Renjun's embrace.

Jaemin sighed, getting comfortable on the bed, head resting on Renjun's chest, "I think I'm going to freak out."

Renjun chuckled, "I'm pretty sure you're allowed."

Jaemin tried to laugh it off, his efforts sounding strained; Renjun didn't pressure him for it, finding his hand and circling characters on his palm. 

Jaemin's hands were cold, which took Renjun by surprise. Usually, out of the two, it was always Renjun who had to be warmed back into an average temperature, not the other way around, "do you want to talk about it?" Renjun asked.

There are a lot of topics Jaemin should talk about, others he should deal with instead of shoving it all down his soul and locking it away from others to see. It never helped—talking with Renjun did—but Jaemin found himself shying away from the conversation, at least until he could assess his own mind and build his thoughts back up.

"Do you mind if we don't?"

"Not at all," Renjun told him, "do you want me to tell you about your sister's plan?"

Yesterday, Renjun thought it was nice to know a fraction of Jaemin's life, Jaemin's being, without his boyfriend. Jaein was all parts wonderful as she was devious, and she was brazen with all her little stature; the girl didn't waste any time recruiting Renjun to do her dirty work—which he denied to her face, but was overly inclined to do so anyway. 

"Shut up," Jaemin laughed, getting distracted for a second, "you weren't even with her for that long."

"Oh, but she's very crafty," Renjun smiled, eyes locked to Jaemin's hands, wanting to provide the warmth he craved but knowing he couldn't, "I think you're gonna lose this battle."

Renjun didn't give Jaemin the details but told him enough to get his attention. If they were truthful, they both knew it was far more significant that Renjun and Jaein had bonded than any crazy plan a six-year-old could come up with. So, of course, Jaemin didn't wonder about any details; he picked up on the other little things—Jaein noticing Renjun's outfit, Renjun agreeing to eat the strawberries on her plate since she only chose them cause they were pretty; those things meant a lot. 

Jaemin wished he could've been there to witness it all; he wished he could become a stranger for a few hours and watch as those relationships were born without influencing them directly. 

However, he wasn't there for a concerning reason, and that dawned on him. 

Jaewon was the sibling that needed constant reaffirmation and reminders he would not be left behind, and as much as Jaemin could tell him so, actions spoke louder. After years of getting beaten down by his caretakers and having all his promises unfulfilled, it should've been obvious his brother would have his worries about Jaemin—it was obvious, but Jaemin thought they were past that. 

"Are you even listening to me?" Renjun took him back, voice washing away his thoughts, a sense of urgency, and childish outrage that weren't lost in Jaemin. 

"Not at all," Jaemin mimicked Renjun, getting poked on the ribs—from all of Renjun's ways to call Jaemin out, his slender fingers poking his sides were usually the one that hurt the most, "ow," he yelped, getting lost between defending himself and egging Renjun on. 

They had a pleasant morning, from getting out of bed to watching Renjun create a better bond with Jaemin's grandmother than Jaemin himself; he should be happy. Renjun was there, and they were okay, and Jaemin went from one, to three, to two, and he would leave that city as four. 

As he tried settling his heart down, resigning to his fate—whether he had any witnesses in court or not, he would win, there wasn't any other way—, and tried to think of something else, Jaemin received the one text he had been waiting for. 

I'm lost, come get me.

Never in his entire life Jaemin felt so reassured as when he read those brief words on his screen. Seungjo wasn't ditching him; he was lost—which was completely valid for a Seoul-born person who never ventured to the seaside in his adulthood. 

Renjun chuckled beside him; his theory wasn't that far-fetched; although Seungjo did not get stuck in traffic, he was still coming, so he counted that as a win for himself. Renjun didn't need any extra amount of time to realize how close those two were, and Seungjo cherished Jaemin just as much as Jaemin adored him back. 

"Do you wanna come with me?" Jaemin asked, "to rescue him?"

Renjun would've liked to say no, but only because it was still snowing outside, and he didn't want to feel cold again—he could already feel his hands starting to lose warmth from putting them outside of his blanket so he could comfort Jaemin. Yet, there was little to nothing he could say to Jaemin when the boy looked at him like that, all shiny eyes and hopeful smiles, "sure."

There was another reason Jaemin wanted Seungjo to come quickly, and he was ashamed his mind even went there in the first place. 

As he realized how his brother was feeling, Jaemin needed to assess the situation, and he didn't want to force Jaewon and Renjun into a place they wouldn't be comfortable with—he also didn't want to disclose to his boyfriend something that might not even be that serious, so he needed more time with the kids, without anyone else to interrupt them.

Jaemin felt silly to ask Renjun to stay in the hotel, or to tell him he didn't want him to accompany him this time, so Seungjo was the perfect solution for it—someone would need to keep him company, and Jaemin could assess all of Jaewon's insecurities that day.

Although Jaemin felt they had been making progress as a family, getting Jaewon to open up on his own was still a slow, painful process. He had been hurt too many times for Jaemin to gloss over like it was something every kid felt—it was awful to think anyone could ever go through life not having any source of grounding—and changes didn't come easily for him.

Renjun, although a positive addition to their daily life, was still a change, and it would take time for Jaewon to get used to him. Jaemin couldn't help but feel terrible as he realized he asked Renjun to be there for emotional support but didn't even question how the other people in his life would be affected by it.

Seungjo would be meeting the kids as well, but he didn't have a close connection to Jaemin as Renjun had, and his arrival was discussed months before it was true; Renjun, on the other hand, had been sprung up in a conversation without the kids' knowledge, and with no regards to the other parties involved.

It would be a stretch thinking Jaemin could ever understand the emotional toll it would take on his kids, and as much as Jaemin tried to talk to Jaewon yesterday, he knew he could get a lot more out of the boy if his sister was with them. Jaein was not only straightforward, but she also brought with her the only stable element in Jaewon's life since they were infants—sure, Jaemin had made promises of becoming a constant, but Jaein was already one.

"Are you okay with staying with Seungjo?" Jaemin asked Renjun back in the car but didn't receive an answer right away; the boy was too focused on something on Jaemin's neck and did not pay the proper attention, "Renjun?"

"Your neck is still stained."

"Ah," Jaemin laughed, "yeah, we didn't cover all that well."

"It seems worse in the afternoon light," Renjun explained, cold fingertips coming in contact with Jaemin's nape, "it didn't look that weird this morning," he sighed, "you know it's your fault, right?" 

"How is it my fault?"

"If you had just taken a shower by yourself, this wouldn't have happened."

Jaemin chuckled, they still had time to get the dye out, and he was holding that truth to his heart; Jaemin had already a lot of stress to do without thinking about how his skin might look on the most important day of his life.

"I can stay with Seungjo, don't worry," Renjun told him when their laughter quieted down, "that will give you time to talk to the kids, right?"

If he wasn't driving, Jaemin would've stumbled; Renjun was far too in sync with him to ever fall for Jaemin's deflections—maybe that was why they worked so well.

The shame washed through him again, thoughts of his own clouding the one person who he didn't need to hide from. Jaemin could see Renjun smiling from his peripheral vision, smug over throwing Jaemin off guard—like he had always done. 

"Yeah," he confessed, shoulders relieving the tension as soon as the words came out of his mouth, "I don't know if I'll have time to talk to them tomorrow."

"Don't worry," Renjun repeated, "I understand."

As long as they were truthful, as long as they relied on each other, Jaemin should be fine. No more hiding, Jaemin repeated to himself like a mantra. He doesn't have to; there's nothing to be ashamed of; he's okay now. 

Staying with Seungjo was Renjun's second trial of the day; first, Jaemin's grandmother, now his confidant. The man wasn't someone Jaemin talked about, Renjun could sense there was a deep sense of trust and reverence to him, but Jaemin kept quiet most of the time. 

Renjun couldn't blame his boyfriend either; the more he found out about Jaemin's past experiences, the more he would get shocked. Jaemin seemed careful about anyone who could impose any type of power over him, especially older men, so talking about Seungjo didn't come naturally to him. Therefore, Renjun knew nothing about the man sitting next to him on the bench by the beach. 

Jaemin had driven them to the place where Seungjo had described—just on the outskirts of Pohang; his GPS wasn't working properly, so after almost two hours of driving in circles, Seungjo gave up and texted for help. 

The drive back to Pohang was light, exciting; Jaemin had regained the youthful smile he had given Renjun just that morning, when they were in the shower, and Jaemin forgot about his own agenda and pressed Renjun against the wall, when he first heard his grandmother talking about him, or when they had finally found Seungjo sitting inside his car and had to fill up his tank because that entire trip and the two hours lost had emptied it out. 

Now, Jaemin had left them back at their hotel, going to meet his kids as soon as Seungjo checked into his room. 

Renjun had hoped they would both stay inside their respective rooms, not having to interact until Jaemin got back, until their one ally and person in common would be there to break the ice, but he heard the knock on the door a few minutes after he went inside his room.

"Hey," Seungjo smiled; Renjun is sure he had never been that close to their university's nurse before, "do you want to go for a walk?"

They ended up by the beach, sitting on a bench and watching as the waves crashed on the sand and rocks, reeling in whatever they could find, ruthless, powerful.

It was awkward, as Renjun knew it would be; they didn't talk much on their walk, words being lost on their tongues and superficial questions getting them more rigid than before.

"How's your hand?" Seungjo asked.

"It's fine," Renjun answered, "it only hurts a little when the weather changes."

"Oh yeah," Seungjo reassured him, "that happens; it's normal."

So it was awkward, and Renjun was close to talking about the weather when Seungjo gave up and sighed. That's when Renjun knew that whatever it was, had been eating the man from the inside.

Renjun never noticed Seungjo before. Fortunately for him, trips to the infirmary weren't common, so he only knew the university had a nurse, and that sometimes Mark would spend his afternoons in his care because he strained a muscle.

Seungjo was the textbook definition of tenderness; his eyes were round and filled with care, mouth ready to spill comfort and nagging, and a heart big enough to accept anything—even becoming a witness to his student's custody trial. He looked worn out, bags under his eyes Renjun had first thought could be from the tiring trip to Pohang, but he guessed now there had been other things worrying the man.

"How is he?" Seungjo asked, "Jaemin, how is he doing?"

There was a lot of pent-up stress held in one question, and Renjun could see for himself the other side of their relationship. Seungjo's frustration, his true worried stance, and his fake lightheartedness mixing, confusion surpassing both of them.

"When he first left," Seungjo didn't wait for Renjun to answer; Renjun wasn't sure he could, "I thought we would never see him again, I hoped he was still out here somewhere, but I couldn't be sure."

There was enough hurt in the man's voice for Renjun to understand what he was implying; the memory of a Jaemin Renjun knew nothing about haunting him. A Jaemin without purpose, one with all his demons and no sense of relief.

"I debated a lot," Seungjo kept going, "whether I should help him, whether this was the best solution to his problems. He's nothing but a kid, with nothing to his name."

The wording was harsh but nothing short of the truth; it couldn't have been easy, seeing the boy Seungjo fought to keep sane come back, and with him came more hurt, more headache, more problems. If they were being utterly true to themselves, Renjun knew the idea was insane, he knew from day one, but he also knew Jaemin.

Which, judging from how Seungjo was talking, they had both reached the same conclusion. Jaemin, with his stubborn ideas, was worth the risk, and they were both taking a leap of faith, faith in this one boy who smiled while carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.

"He's okay," Renjun intercepted Seungjo's monologue, more so he could comfort the man than anything else. Jaemin was as okay as someone who would be stripped down and judged for wanting a better life for his siblings would ever be, "he lights up when he's here."

Renjun was sure Jaemin himself didn't notice that, he looked larger than life when they were about to visit the kids for the first time, when he saw Renjun and Jaein holding hands, when he would see an acquaintance on the street. He was in his element, bigger, bolder, and the shell of a person Jaemin was one year ago had long been forgotten by him.

"I think," Renjun smiled, "this is a good thing. I think he's doing the right thing."

Seungjo didn't smile back; he didn't even look at Renjun, eyes set on the sea and its crashing waves, "I hope you're right."

They talked about the little they knew of the custody battle that would be happening tomorrow, Seungjo having inside information about his part, and Renjun having listened to Jaein's ramblings and read the documentation Jaemin left around the house.

They were set to go, Seungjo with his heavy heart and Renjun with his expectant brain.

When they met Jaemin back at the hotel that night, the boy filled with tormented eyes and genuine smiles, Renjun could sense the uneasiness seeping out of him. They didn't talk about it; Jaemin and Renjun took Seungjo to another one of the crab restaurants they had been before and faked a pleasant evening.

It was only when they were back in bed, with Jaemin tucked under the comforter, that Renjun dared to say something, "are you okay?"

He couldn't see much of his boyfriend, raven hair peeking out from inside the cozy cocoon Jaemin had made from himself. Any other night Renjun would've made fun of him for it, their roles reversed—with Jaemin wrapped around blankets and Renjun outside, braving the cold room. However, tonight was the last night before the rest of their lives, and Renjun couldn't find the heart to play around, not when he first saw the tired eyes and the emotional buildups.

Jaemin groaned, choosing not to answer any further than that first primal reaction; Renjun sighed, sitting next to his cocoon of a boyfriend in bed.

"Did everything go well with Jaein and Jaewon?"

"Not really," Jaemin's answer was muffled by the covers separating them, "I think I was mean again."

"You think?" Renjun asked, incredulous. Usually, Jaemin was assertive; he knew when he messed up and how he messed up; he just didn't know how to apologize, years of pushing down his feelings taking the best of him.

"I don't know," Jaemin confessed, voice sounding strained, and it wouldn't be the first time Renjun saw his boyfriend cry, but it never failed to take him by surprise anyway; Jaemin was always raw, bursting with feelings and insecurities, "do you think I'm gonna be okay?"

The question took Renjun by surprise, and he also had an eventful day, so he didn't answer right away. Jaemin lowered the covers, eyes glistening with the telltale of tears and injustice, and they looked at each other for a moment before Renjun could find the right words to say.

"I'm not gonna let anything bad happen to you," he promised.

He heard Jaemin tell that same phrase to his siblings before; he listened to the promise over and over again, Jaemin repeating it until he could trust himself to do so. And as much as Jaemin told others that, he never heard it himself, no one had ever taken time to reassure him before.

Not until Renjun.

"You're not?"

Renjun never once saw Jaemin like that; his expression was almost childlike, wanting to grasp onto anything that might help him move on, surpass that last hurdle, that last barrier inside his head, the one where he would always hear he was not enough, and would never be.

Because Jaemin needed to be enough, at least he needed to pretend.

"Of course not," Renjun told him, hand reaching to cup his cheek and wipe away the trail of tears Jaemin didn't realize had fallen.

With Renjun, he didn't want to pretend. 

The next morning was filled with nerves, and nuzzling back in bed didn't help—even if Renjun insisted on it. Jaemin could feel it on his fingertips, his beating heart, and in Renjun's voice, they were made of nerves and hope and distrust, and they tried to hide it from the world but stayed true to each other. 

So Renjun left their bedroom this time, with the promise of getting breakfast for them; Jaemin shot up a text to Seungjo, inviting him to eat with them, but the man was still asleep by the lack of response. 

Which was expected, and Renjun and Jaemin hadn't slept well throughout the night, too uncomfortable with the idea of their tomorrow to remember their today. Jaemin stayed up, paced, tried to get back to bed, and apologized countless times when his eyes would focus again, and he would see Renjun staring at him, patient, worried. 

Renjun would calm him down, get him back to the present, to that unfamiliar room with Renjun's familiar scent, his voice, his touch. They would hold each other, without talking, making sure the other was there, that they were real, and Renjun would ground Jaemin back down, smile at him, and do it all over again when he could feel his boyfriend slipping away. 

Morning came anyway, without an ounce of respect to Renjun's tired bones, and his alarm ringed when he finally felt his eyelids heavy. Jaemin had been in the same position for what felt like an eternity, back to the mattress and eyes glued to the ceiling; Renjun tried to make light of the situation, to start the morning the same way Jaemin would always begin his, but somewhere along that night the tension had sipped from Jaemin to Renjun, and they were both clouded with possibilities. 

"Hey," Renjun tried, voice still rough from not using it throughout the night, "it's gonna be okay."

He knew his voice held no confidence, but Jaemin's hand found his, and whatever they might be feeling, they were feeling together. That was precisely why Jaemin wanted Renjun there, he knew the boy didn't hold all the secrets to happiness, but Renjun knew how to face their trials together and raise up to challenges. 

As soon as Renjun left the room and was greeted with the cold morning air, he could sense his thoughts getting clearer. His sore limbs, both from their night activities and from his sleepless night, ached as he walked. 

He didn't stray far, choosing the first bakery he could find near their hotel, making sure to buy enough pastries so they could offer some to Seungjo later, and marching back to his room, where Jaemin was. 

Only to find his boyfriend wasn't in bed anymore, he was inside the bathroom, combing his wet hair from a shower—this time, Renjun couldn't see any sign of dye on his skin. 

It looked almost like a ritual, as Renjun watched by the door as Jaemin buttoned his shirt, taking in little care for Renjun's presence, making sure his hands didn't tremble far from the acceptable. 

It was too early to start preparing to go out, but Jaemin looked ready to leave. Everything was in place, except his confidence, which Renjun couldn't find anywhere inside his eyes. 

"You look pretty," Renjun told him, standing at the bathroom door, locking gazes with Jaemin through the reflection on the mirror.

He didn't need pretty, "do I look reliable?"

Renjun's eyes wandered from Jaemin's and to his figure, taking in the blazer he had on—Renjun wasn't sure, but he thought he had never seen Jaemin with a blazer before, at least not since he came back. Maybe when he was still on the swimming team, when they used to have the fundraisers, and Donghyuck would drag Renjun with him.

Maybe that Jaemin he had already seen dressed up, but not this one, not his Jaemin. 

He thought about Jaemin when he first came back home, loaded smiles and helpful stance, eyes made for war tucked away in an innocent gaze as he tried to reconnect with his sister and nephew. He remembered Jaemin's voice reverberating through the crowd, as he stopped a fight by just existing, as he looked down, picked up both fighters, and brought them help. Jaemin, who nurtured, protected, and made sure everyone would be comfortable, even at his own expense. Jaemin, who is made of light, and color, and hopeful dreaming, who had gotten a bad deal of cards and worked with them anyway, who didn't know how to fully express himself, but tried anyway, who fought the lost battle because someone had to. 

"Yeah," he decided, "since day one."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI :D  
> So!! I'm sorry!! That's really all I can say, thank you for waiting out, I plan to be more active with tthh from now on. I didn't realize I had a few unresolved issues with my own adoption, which only came to light as I wrote these past few chapters. That being said, they are being taken care of and I'm excited to be writing again!!! I MISSED THEM.  
> There has been a tremendous amount of support for this fic these past few months and I just want to thank you all, it's been a crazy ride and I'm super glad I decided to start it in the first place. I've met wonderful people because of it and every single comment makes my day.  
> For schedules!! I like my thursday uploads and was planning on uploading this upcoming thursday but couldn't wait, hahah. I started working(plus college starting up again) so I feel like 2 to 3 weeks would be the norm from now on(no more 2 months of waiting, please, I'm SO sorry). If you ever want to know more about the process, how the fic is going or sneak peeks, I usually update it on twitter!  
> Any comment or kudos are highly appreciated! I'm feeling very self-conscious with this one lmao  
> (I also have a [nohyuck fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29134524) I posted a week ago if anyone is interested 🥺)  
> Be safe everyone!!  
>   
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/toojuns)  
> [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/toojuns)


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